chocha_mocha Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Hi all Ok, Ive been with my bf now for 9 months. Things have been up and down from the start really and my problem is I just can't some stuff he's said out of my head. Some people may not understand it but for me its a real problem... When we first met he decided to tell me I wan't his type. At first it didn't bother me too much but as time went on its kinda become this metastasized mess in my head and I feel like I want to end the relationshipo because if it. He would go on about how he;s always been into blondes/skinny women - I am neither which I am actually happy with, I like having long waist length brown hair and a curvy body, ive never aspired to looking like barbie. However during the first couple months he kept banging on about it from time to time and made jokes about how he likes me so much he wouldn't even ask me to be blond etc. He Told me that its 'ok' not to be a tiny 6ft blonde supermodel but apparently thats what everyone wants. He's said he's always loved the way blonde women look, how it makes him look, turn his head etc, how he's always windowshopped at women who look a certain way. His analogy is how he's always window shopped at cakes and that I'm a banana he wouldn't have thought of eating, thanks! Problem is I'm very sensitive to stuff like this and I really can't handle my bf who I'm crazy about tell me what he likes to look at etc, especially when I've seen him do a double take a women who are his 'type', just makes me feel crap. Its like saying don't think of the pink elephant - yeah, I'm thinking of a pink elephant. He bangs on about this plus what he likes - women who dress a certain way, have lip piercings, have pale lips etc. I personally feels its kinda rude and insensitive especially when at the begining I told him exactly how I felt about guys talking this ways because of my ex who never talked about anything but women, porn, pointed out my bad points etc. He thinks I'm being over the top about it because he tell me he loves me and that he finds me attractive but I just feel second to some image of perfection in his head. It wouldn't bother me if it was a case of his ex partner all looking a certain way and he's with me and thinks I'm beautiful but thats not the case (apparently he's never been with his type). When you tell a guy you've always had issues with body images, depression, ex's talking telling you what plastic surgry would make you look better, that your sensitive to guys talking about how hot women are etc - why would someone go on to tell you that all this? I asked him and he said he's telling me something about himself. Hmmm, yeah as a prospective or current girlfriend I am just dying to know all this! I know that part of the problem is my insecurities but the upsetting thing is he really doesn't see any of this as a problems - its basically all in my head and I should just listen to him telling me that he finds me attaractive, but with all this said, I just feel like No 2. when I make it very clear to him he's my No 1. If you've made it to to the end, thanks for reading
Confusedguy81 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 hiya chocha, Sounds like your bf likes feeling superior to you, which in it self shows his insecurity. I always go by this motto when with someone: Am I more insecure/unhappy now than when I wasn't with this person? Sometimes being single is better...
Author chocha_mocha Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Yeah, you're spot on there. He is very insecure and always had a complex about people looking down on him, expecially me. I just hate it all because I do love him very much but if there was one dealbreaker in a relationship it would be someone talking like this and the crazy thing is I told him exactly that, so why do it? You're right, I do feel more insecure now than I did before meeting him.
boogieboy Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 He does it to make sure you feel insecure to him, which keeps him in control of the relationship. Well, its working, he keeps himself above you. Its pretty pathetic. If you told him about it and he wont stop, you will have to either leave him or give him an ultimatum. He wont stop doing it until you show him youre serious.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 You say this was also an issue with your ex, which suggests it is your pattern to attract men who are critical of you and your appearance. That's obviously not a good thing. You need to do some reading and learning, maybe even therapy, to get to the root of that issue and weed it out. Until you do, you will most likely continue to attract this type of man.
Author chocha_mocha Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 You say this was also an issue with your ex, which suggests it is your pattern to attract men who are critical of you and your appearance. That's obviously not a good thing. You need to do some reading and learning, maybe even therapy, to get to the root of that issue and weed it out. Until you do, you will most likely continue to attract this type of man. Yeah, you're probably right, my first partner was like this also. He generally watches whats he says these days but problem is I hold a grudge so its almost like too little too late. I probably go for the insecure ones because on the outside they appear kinda soft and gentile but underneath there is a lot of mess just waiting to cause problems it seems:(
Ruby Slippers Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I probably go for the insecure ones because on the outside they appear kinda soft and gentile but underneath there is a lot of mess just waiting to cause problems it seems:( Been there, done that.
sigurpol Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 why would someone go on to tell you that all this? I asked him and he said he's telling me something about himself. That sort of answer, from anyone and about anything, pisses me off to no end. Just because someone pulls something out of their personal bag, does not merit that as being "honest". It's self centered. 'Oh, well this is what I like!'-- Really? Good for you, then go find what you preach about so much. How about just talking about what HE likes in YOU. People who do that tend to strike me as, "well, at LEAST I'm being honest", or what he said. It's stupid. There many other things about himself that he can talk about. And it doesn't have to be his preference in women. I've never really said anything to a girl that I liked that falls into what's being said to you.. it doesn't help, there's no point into bringing it up. Jesus, even if someone I liked ASKED me, I'd still dance around my answer.
LovelyDaze Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 This guy is a sack of BS. No one who loves you would keep going on and on about how you are not what they like..physically, mentally,etc. Hell, he doesn't even like HIMSELF.This jerk has got his nerve to keep bringing you down like this. What he is basically trying to say in clear English is, "Hey..I COULD be dating a sexy, thin blonde but I am giving you the honor of dating me so you should feel grateful!" Give me a damn break! Lose him. You are worth much more than to be with someone like this. Sadly, he is also telling you that "eh, you're alright for now." and that he is settling. No, love embraces every curve, every silhouette and every strand of your long brown hair. Dump him and then leave your heart open to finding THAT guy who will look at you like the goddess you are.
BettyBoop Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I probably go for the insecure ones because on the outside they appear kinda soft and gentile but underneath there is a lot of mess just waiting to cause problems it seems:( Been there, done that - three times in the past! Hon, these guys will NEVER make you happy because they cannot make themselves happy first of all. My exes would never tell me how I was inferior to them in attraction (because I wasn't) but there is A LOT of mess inside these guys. A guy who loves you will not tell you about all the other women and looks he desires. He will say "I do like blondes, but I prefer you over any blonde." or something... You said it yourself you feel more insecure now than you did before him. That alone says A LOT. You're worth to be happy and feel secure. Remember that.
Author chocha_mocha Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 That sort of answer, from anyone and about anything, pisses me off to no end. Just because someone pulls something out of their personal bag, does not merit that as being "honest". It's self centered. 'Oh, well this is what I like!'-- Really? Good for you, then go find what you preach about so much. How about just talking about what HE likes in YOU. People who do that tend to strike me as, "well, at LEAST I'm being honest", or what he said. It's stupid. There many other things about himself that he can talk about. And it doesn't have to be his preference in women. I've never really said anything to a girl that I liked that falls into what's being said to you.. it doesn't help, there's no point into bringing it up. Jesus, even if someone I liked ASKED me, I'd still dance around my answer. Thats exactly how I see it Sigurpol. I am generally an honest person but does it make me dishonest because I haven't told my bf about all the film or rock stars I've fancied in my life? Or the fact that Ive found guys completely the opposite to him attractive? No, not really, I just don't see the point in mentioning it because 1. thats my past and its a pretty insignificant part at that 2. How the hell is that suppose to make him feel special? 3. I'm not a teenager anymore (wish I was hehe) so talking about about how I used to find 6ft 7" basket ball type men hot to my bf is a little sad in my opinion, its the sort of thing you talk about at break time in school His ex girlfriend used to say to him how she liked skinny/emo guys () and he aint that. He said that at a time in his relationship when their sex life was suffering it made him feel insecure and thats whats I'm so pissed about - if he's had it done to him why do it to me? Apparently he saw it as a compliment because if you fancy someone who is your type it isn't anything 'special'. My view is that he's just sugar coating the fact she prefered something different to him in the looks deparment. He does tell me I'm beautiful but its just eclisped by all this stuff. I think he actually gets angry at me because I don't really believe him when he tells me nice things, but what else am I suppose to think. I've gone from a curvy dark haired girl who looked in the mirror thinking yeah, I'm not so bad, to yeah, its ok, but I'm no blonde, all cos some insecure guy wants to tell me what he likes. I think the worse thing about it all is thats he 31 not 21 cos this is the sort of thing I would expect from a younger guy who's lacked some life experience.
torranceshipman Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Chocha mocha, you are lovely how you are, but your boyfriend is an azzclown. How dare he say stuff like that to you. You shouldn't be with a man who talks down to you like that. This would beat up anyone's self esteem and he says all this to make you feel bad. He knows what he is doing. Nasty piece of work...you are NOT being sensitive - he is being really offensive. you SO need a new boyfriend. Sheesh.
Author chocha_mocha Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Well its good to know I'm not a complete fruitcake and its not just me - which is contrary to what bf likes to tell me
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