Should i trust my gut feeling?

[Theremin]

Hello,

 

first Id like to apologize for firing away with questions in my first post, on some forums it is considered bad etiquette, I apologize if I step on some toes...but I need an unbiased opinion and where better to get it than from complete strangers.

 

 

Here comes my case,

 

Im dating my gf for 3 years....it has been a rocky ride but I do love her a lot. The relationship has been marked from the beginning by her jealousy and insecurities...she didnt really tolerate my female friends, even regular conversation with one of them would provoke fights and she always thought every single one of them had designs on me which is of course completely of the mark, hell, even the slight suspicion that I might find another woman attractive would work her up in a frenzy ( as in Her : "Do you think Katherine Heigl is pretty" Me: "Um...yes". Her: "*starting a fight*" ) She comes from a broken family, had some bad relationships and I always tended to go easy on her in this regard and try to defuse it and try to avoid any sort of contact that would provoke her...I just felt it would be selfish to put a person you love in a position where her weak spots would get stepped on. Also she demanded constant attention and with time even my regular social life started to be percieved as a threat.

 

Now, recently there have been some dramatic changes in her behaviour that in combination with some other things got me really weirded out.

 

First, she started all of a sudden to encourage me to hang out with my friends more, pick up my hobby, reestablish contact with female friends.

 

Second, she started intensively to comment on other men in ways that she never did before as if goading me to respond in kind.

 

Third, a problem arose with a mutual friend. This guy was into her since way before, made some sloppy advances and got rebuffed, shortly thereafter she started dating me. I know the guy, I know the whole story, it was nothing serious but he never really got over her. They stayed friends, but in the last year or so they started hanging out more, I know they talk a lot over IM but I never percieved it as anything to lose sleep over. The thing that got me feeling weird is that several weeks ago we attended a performance he was part of, first he was obviously uncomfortable about me coming there ( as it seems the invitation was extended only to her ), second when we were there he was acting really strange as if he was really freaked out by my presence. Now that kinda got me feeling funny because I was never unfriendly to the guy, quite the opposite, always tried to cultivate a friendship. Now, their meetings did look kinda strange in retrospect, I was never ever invited, they would go out for coffee and stay for 5 hours topped with walks and stuff like that ( something that I could never afford myself with any of my female friends...it would cause hell, plus I would never even think of doing it ). The last straw was him inviting her to a party and making it clear that she could not bring anyone along. After that I simply told her that he might be hostile towards me because he did not get over her...she didnt really take me seriously.

 

Tonight she told me that he finally "outed himself", as in revealed that he has feelings for her and said she is going to avoid him, but the story just seems unbelievable to me as she quoted as evidence a completely innocent remark on his part. I never had problems with jealousy, hell despite her problems with my social life I always encouraged her to develop hers as means of strengthening her personality and overcoming her insecurities but my gut instinct just screams that something is wrong. I cant pinpoint it, but in equation with abrupt changes in her modus operandi I know something is different. In the least case his "outing" was completely different, but I cant fathom why would she play it down? Actually, when I reread the post the signs sound vague ( it is hard to condense intricacies of relationship in a single post), but my instincts are screaming that I am missing something...

 

Thanks for your time

[germain]

I think she would have known what her friend's intentions were - unless she's really naive?

 

Have there been any other situations like this in the past - with this guy or anyone else?

 

I don't believe she has given you evidence to infer so much, but at the same time, she should know better with this guy. Perhaps she wanted the extra attention - either from you or this guy? In any case, I would definitely say she needs to stay away from him and you should both agree on that.

[seibert253]

Trust your gut, it's hardly ever wrong.

 

There's red flags waving everwhere. Judging by what I've read, she probably was involved with him, but now isn't and wants to "come back" to your relationship. The whole "outing him" thing, he probably dumped her, or the other dude's GF found out what's going on and your GF got thrown under the bus. Don't know.

 

Investigate if you haven't.

Don't take anything she says as being totally true.

[mrkleen]

After 3 years, you should be able to confront her - and read her reactions.

 

I hope you are wrong, but I have come to see so many people for the sleezy, dirtbags they are....it is hard to ignore evidence right in front of your face. If you think she is cheating - she probably is. Sorry mate.

[Theremin]

First, Id like to thank you for your replies. Writing the original post has been very therapeutic and I am so glad you all took your time to read it and reply...

 

 

The whole "outing him" thing, he probably dumped her, or the other dude's GF found out what's going on and your GF got thrown under the bus. Don't know.

 

This is something that actually made me feel very awkward...it felt like either it is over between them or she is perhaps throwing me off track, it just seemed so implausible. When I add into the equation that she has a history of cheating...lets say that I just feel uncomfortable.

 

Exactly because I know her reactions I noticed something is wrong and trust me I am not really a trigger happy person in these situations. It is the first time I doubt her and I still want to believe my mind is playing tricks on me, but I have no desire to be a fool either, as 3 years of very hard work went into this relationship. I just wish, if she is indeed cheating on me, that she just tells me so I can go my own way. I am loath to confront her fully yet, this is a touchy matter and I feel that I should have at least some time for it to settle in my mind and for my self control to return so I can run it all again past me and do it calmly, fully in control of my emotions so everything cannot be construed as my wild imagination or something...

 

@germain - Yes, I find it hard to believe she did not realize that the guy had feelings for her, she is an intelligent woman and not really inexperienced. In the light of my female friends being marked as predators just for being female I actually found the whole situation handling on her part very cynical.

Edited March 15, 2010 by Theremin