Mr White Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I disagree. Most families aren't dysfunctional. Whatever, this is just like saying that most people aren't dysfunctional. No matter who you look at, they will always be a little too much or too little something. Too strict, too condescending, too risk-averse, too mellow, too innovative (i.e. unstable), not innovative enought, etc. etc. etc. Most families and people fall in the thick, juicy meaty, part of the curve that is a mixture of good and bad. So eventually the external circumstances are irrelevant. A person either grow the f*ck up and resolves their mommy/daddy/relationship issues, or not. Anything else is just an excuse for either being a condescending jackass (being born in a "good family" is not an accomplishment ) or a wreck (being born in a "bad" family is not an excuse ).
livinlovin Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 When I found out about my last boyfriend's family background, I didn't want to judge and hold it against him. Looking back, I wish I had. His parents were distant and eventually divorced. Because he'd never seen affection in a relationship, he wasn't able or comfortable giving affection. I don't think that having parents who are still married means a thing, because people can be married but not loving. But I do think that having a messed up family life leads to messed up emotions as an adult.
pandagirl Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 But then you wonder why some people who come from horrible families go on to be the most amazing individuals you've ever met. The most annoying guys I've dated have come from super liberal families, who gave their children too much freedom and adoration. The result? Lazy, entitled jerks. My friend's dad was a verbally abusive, bipolar alcoholic. She went on to graduate from an Ivy League college with a phd, and she is probably the most well-adjusted, loving individual I know. She saw her dad as someone she didn't want to be, and worked on becoming the opposite. When you're a child/teen, sure, your family plays a HUGE role, but I think once you become an adult, it's up to us to figure out our crap, not using family or past events as an excuse for our behaviors.
carhill Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 OP, TBH, with the utmost respect to those who come from difficult childhood backgrounds, I'll never knowingly date or marry such a person ever again. All the significant pain in my 'love' life of the last thirty years has been at the altar of shytey childhoods. Whether it be unhealthy psychologies, anti-social behaviors, mental disease or defect or simply the universal 'you had a great childhood, Beaver Cleaver, and you'll never understand what I went through' (STBX's version), the overwhelming theme is that they deserve better, better than me. Excellent. Go to it I'm not going to ascribe good or bad here, merely incompatible. Life's too short and I'm too old to 'fix' or 'understand' such things anymore.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Based on everyone I've ever known coming from a good family isn't a guarantee of turning into a healthy individual, but coming from a bad family is pretty much a guarantee of permanent issues (unless there's some serious therapy). You read my mind .. This is exactly what I was going to post as an extension to my first post.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I come from a fairly wealthy family so hers better be too. And really, if you're going to marry, why not marry rich? Women have been doing it for a million years, why not men?
confusedmf Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 ... Whether it be unhealthy psychologies, anti-social behaviors, mental disease or defect or simply the universal 'you had a great childhood, Beaver Cleaver, and you'll never understand what I went through' (STBX's version), the overwhelming theme is that they deserve better, better than me. Excellent. Go to it I'm not going to ascribe good or bad here, merely incompatible. Life's too short and I'm too old to 'fix' or 'understand' such things anymore. A mental disability is not a disease nor is a defect. About a 25% of Americans suffer in one way or another. It's depressing seeing some of the responses because a lot of families aren't fortunate to have the whole white picket fence thing when raising their children. Using some of the reasoning presented here, that seems to show that people that grew up in dysfunctional families should not deserve to find that special someone? Would, perhaps a better solution is to pull out the eugenics playbook once again and determine who is able based on a whole list of criteria? I too agree having good family value is important. That's all, I wouldn't care if they were neglected when they were a child, or that they previous had a case of depression. **** happens, what matters most is how they are now and how they play with the cards life has dealt.
annsumm Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 When you're a child/teen, sure, your family plays a HUGE role, but I think once you become an adult, it's up to us to figure out our crap, not using family or past events as an excuse for our behaviors. Yes, I agree with this. Some people are so thickheaded and messed up though that it never gets figured out and they continue to use past events to mould their future and behaviours.
Star Gazer Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 By "bad" I mean dysfunctional in some way. This can manifest in many forms -- neglectful, abusive, controlling, smothering, boundary-less. Also parents who set bad examples for their kids by not being responsible in their own lives. I think somebody can overcome these issues with therapy, but a lot of people don't seek it out. I mean specifically emotionally healthy, somebody who is able to give and receive love, somebody who is able to trust and treat others with respect, somebody who has normal boundaries and understands proper social behavior. Personal responsibility is another component because lack of it tends to corrode any relationship int he long term. Yeah, when you put it that way, I definitely came from a dysfunctional family (although they tried, it was just what they knew, ya know?). In the past, I definitely had trouble setting boundaries and trusting others. But I moved past that... in part, due to therapy. Hey, I wouldn't call myself completely emotionally healthy either. I come from a dysfunctional family. But I'm trying hard to overcome those issues. I think it's really good for me to be with somebody who is emotionally healthy because he sets a good example for me. I know what you mean. Being with BF has almost reset my wiring! But then you wonder why some people who come from horrible families go on to be the most amazing individuals you've ever met. The most annoying guys I've dated have come from super liberal families, who gave their children too much freedom and adoration. The result? Lazy, entitled jerks. My friend's dad was a verbally abusive, bipolar alcoholic. She went on to graduate from an Ivy League college with a phd, and she is probably the most well-adjusted, loving individual I know. She saw her dad as someone she didn't want to be, and worked on becoming the opposite. When you're a child/teen, sure, your family plays a HUGE role, but I think once you become an adult, it's up to us to figure out our crap, not using family or past events as an excuse for our behaviors. But the examples you gave have nothing to do with how those people were in relationships.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I don't have much experience seriously dating a large amount of women, but from what I've seen, I can't really find much correlation between family background and how they behave in relationships. My first and only actual girlfriend who I dated for 3 years came from a barely functional family in which both parents were hardcore alcoholics. She was very loving, affectionate, understanding, and being totally honest, tolerant of all the BS I slung at her. She was for the most part very humble and didn't have any sense of entitlement to anything. Her downsides were that she was very jealous and possessive of me, had a pretty nasty temper, and had an extremely hard time trusting me for reasons that were suspect at best. She also was very insecure about her appearance/attractiveness despite being at least an "8.5" on any guys' hotness scale. A girl that I was seeing around this time last year came from an upper-class background in which she had a good, strong relationship with her parents. She initially came across as very affectionate and caring, and we also had loads of things in common. However, she is blissfully unaware that her actions could possibly have impacts on other people, as a friend she's really only there for people at her convenience, is pretty vain, needs constant validation from men, complains incessantly, has drama queen written all over her, and had done a significant amount of drugs and drinking by the time she was 16. In her case, I think the overindulgence of her by her parents is what did her in. Permissive parenting at its worst. So I'm not really sure what to conclude here. Finding a well-balanced family where it isn't quite neglectful/alcoholic but not too affluent/indulgent doesn't seem to be too easy.
Recommended Posts