How important is an SO's upbringing?

[shadowplay]

For the first time I'm with somebody who comes from a healthy, loving family and the difference is huge. He's reliable, caring, giving, solid, confident and healthy to the core. No more flaky, bitter, uncertain, insensitive, unreliable, insecure.

 

I know there isn't a perfect correlation between nurture and emotional health, but based on my limited sample there seems to be a pretty strong one. At this point, I can't imagine being with somebody again who comes from a messed up family. Every other guy I dated came from a family that was either dysfunctional, weird or cold. I think it's nearly impossible for somebody grow up in a negative environment without receiving some permanent damage along the way.

 

How do other people feel about this? How important is an SO's family background to you?

Edited March 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[tigressA]

Funnily enough, none of the guys I was romantically/sexually involved with came from a "messed-up" family. They grew up in a two-parent household, with the parents still married, and still happy, at least on the surface. But that didn't mean they were all good people. A good half of them were/are selfish, insensitive, insecure, inconsiderate, etc. I am of the firm belief that growing up in a positive environment hardly accounts for much.

[Star Gazer]

For the first time I'm with somebody who comes from a healthy, loving family and the difference is huge. He's reliable, caring, giving, solid, confident and healthy to the core.

 

Every guy I've ever been with who fit these characteristics came from a stable home, where their parents were still happily married.

[sumdude]

I think it's very important but no guarantee of anything either. My ex wife came from a very messed up childhood. It affected her ability to make deep emotional bonds. I come from parents who stayed married till death and on the outside looked like a solid family. But we have our own big issues too.

[Woggle]

It depends. My wife comes from a great family that genuinely loves each other and it is where she gets it from. On the other hand I had a truly messed up upbringing and you all know how that turned out.

[desertmoon]

It is very important but not a deal breaker. I just need to know the skeletons or what's "messed" up with his family so I can know what to do or what to expect.

[Atalanta]

While I do agree there is a strong correlation between being raised in a stable home and being an emotionally stable adult, I wouldn't judge or hold it against a guy if he came from a broken home. What's important is that a person makes a demonstrable effort to move past the anger and hurt and expresses a desire to be happy and heal.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I was raised in a stable, loving, two parent family and my parents are still married. Yet, I am pretty F up. My brother on the other hand is emotionally helathy, happy and well adjusted.

 

There certainly is a correlation, but it's a lot to do with personality traits that you were born with as well. It comes back to the old nature/nurture argument.

[Tnerforireyeh]

For a long-term mate it's vitally important. I wouldn't marry a woman who wasn't from a healthy, wealthy family.

 

For short-term, I couldn't care less.

[Confusedguy81]

I dont like perfect. A few damaged parts is good because it reminds me of their humanity. The whole stepford wife thing freaks me out...

[threebyfate]

shadow, you know my thoughts about this. In a nutshell "what is love". People learn what love is, both by osmosis and also by active being taught, within their foundational environments.

 

I also question the word "healthy". Is it healthy to give unconditional love with no boundaries? I don't think so. You also need to teach self-discipline to offset, or you're going to get both male and female princesses.

[annsumm]

Yes, a guy that comes from a healthy, functional, loving family is going to be on the top of my list when deciding on future relationships. It seems so important to me now. I have just come out of a relationship with a guy who had deep emotional issues that i think stemmed from childhood. His mother gave him little or no attention and his father worked long hours which couldn't be helped of course but meant he didn't get attention from him either, its affected him, how he behaves and the way our relationship panned out (in my opinion).

Edited March 15, 2010 by annsumm
spelling mistakes

[mrkleen]

For a long-term mate it's vitally important. I wouldn't marry a woman who wasn't from a healthy, wealthy family.

 

For short-term, I couldn't care less.

 

WOW. What a sad, shallow attitude.

[deux ex machina]

For a long-term mate it's vitally important. I wouldn't marry a woman who wasn't from a healthy, wealthy family.

 

For short-term, I couldn't care less.

 

I for one applaud your decision. I certainly hope someone with the same viewpoint as your own takes you off the market - and right soon.

[shadowplay]

Based on everyone I've ever known coming from a good family isn't a guarantee of turning into a healthy individual, but coming from a bad family is pretty much a guarantee of permanent issues (unless there's some serious therapy).

[desertmoon]

For a long-term mate it's vitally important. I wouldn't marry a woman who wasn't from a healthy, wealthy family.

 

I can understand, you want to improve your gene and financial pool. Totally acceptable, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

[OceanTropic]

Personally, upbringing is huge for me. If he disrespects his mother, then he disrespects women, and personally I wont have that.

 

HOWEVER, just because a man was brought up a certain way, doesn't mean he will have certain qualities, but this is true in most cases.

 

I was also brought up in a family where the man is the provider. If I go on a date with a man who doesn't pay, its not cuz i'm a selfish bitch who wants all his money, its just cuz I was brought up this way and this is what I believe to be proper.

[Mr White]

The overall upbringing argument is pretty weak. First, most families have one form of dysfunction or another. Of different severity, of course, but there is no such thing as a "normal" family. Second, there is an overwhelming anecdotal evidence against it: spoiled, entitled scumbags can come both from intact picture perfect families, as well as from pretty bad situations; conversely, sane and remarcable people can come from the worst of circumstances.

 

I'm sure there are aggregate trends that support that (duh, of course ALL ELSE EQUAL, intact family is better), but there are so many mediating variables that to make individual predictions on this basis alone is silly.

[shadowplay]

The overall upbringing argument is pretty weak. First, most families have one form of dysfunction or another. Of different severity, of course, but there is no such thing as a "normal" family. Second, there is an overwhelming anecdotal evidence against it: spoiled, entitled scumbags can come both from intact picture perfect families, as well as from pretty bad situations; conversely, sane and remarcable people can come from the worst of circumstances.

 

I'm sure there are aggregate trends that support that (duh, of course ALL ELSE EQUAL, intact family is better), but there are so many mediating variables that to make individual predictions on this basis alone is silly.

 

I have never met one psychologically healthy person who came from a bad family.

[Star Gazer]

I have never met one psychologically healthy person who came from a bad family.

 

What's a "bad family"?

 

And by psychologically healthy, do you mean emotionally healthy, or something more serious (like a "disorder" of some sort)?

[start-fresh]

Personally, upbringing is huge for me. If he disrespects his mother, then he disrespects women, and personally I wont have that.

 

HOWEVER, just because a man was brought up a certain way, doesn't mean he will have certain qualities, but this is true in most cases.

 

I was also brought up in a family where the man is the provider. If I go on a date with a man who doesn't pay, its not cuz i'm a selfish bitch who wants all his money, its just cuz I was brought up this way and this is what I believe to be proper.

 

So do you plan to do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and taking care of the kids alone? That's your role in the scenario you've presented.

[shadowplay]

What's a "bad family"?

 

And by psychologically healthy, do you mean emotionally healthy, or something more serious (like a "disorder" of some sort)?

 

By "bad" I mean dysfunctional in some way. This can manifest in many forms -- neglectful, abusive, controlling, smothering, boundary-less. Also parents who set bad examples for their kids by not being responsible in their own lives. I think somebody can overcome these issues with therapy, but a lot of people don't seek it out.

 

I mean specifically emotionally healthy, somebody who is able to give and receive love, somebody who is able to trust and treat others with respect, somebody who has normal boundaries and understands proper social behavior. Personal responsibility is another component because lack of it tends to corrode any relationship int he long term.

Edited March 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[Mr White]

I have never met one psychologically healthy person who came from a bad family.

 

If so, whatever your definition of "psychologically healthy" is, it excludes anywhere between 50% and 90% of the population.

[shadowplay]

If so, whatever your definition of "psychologically healthy" is, it excludes anywhere between 50% and 90% of the population.

 

I disagree. Most families aren't dysfunctional.

[shadowplay]

Hey, I wouldn't call myself completely emotionally healthy either. I come from a dysfunctional family. But I'm trying hard to overcome those issues. I think it's really good for me to be with somebody who is emotionally healthy because he sets a good example for me.