How to end Decade Long Love Triangle ?

[Selkie]

Today is my 33rd birthday. Reaching this age has sent me into a long & sobering night of self contemplation.

I know the answer to my long lived love triangle, but Im just looking for back up reinforcement of the conclusion I have reached.

For the nearly the last 12 years of my life so far I have loved one man alone.

When I was introduced to him 12 years we lived a couple hours apart and started out communicating by letters and phone calls (yes so long ago that computers were not yet in vogue)

I was just 21 and a very unwordly, naive and sheltered 21 at that. At that time, he earnestly wanted to meet and date me and was single at the time.

Unfortunately I was in a car accident at the time and suffered a depressing head injury. When he heard of this he was patient and waited months to still meet me. Instead of meeting him I became more depressed because of my injury and moved in with my mother because I felt unfit to go back to my job as professional model.

Living at home I got caught up in taking care of myself and my mother who became very sick at the time.

So instead of meeting this guy whom I found wonderful to communicate with, who shared all values and interests and who was attractive looking in pictures, I hid and ended up taking care of my mother.

He couldnt understand why I wouldnt just meet him and finally after almost a year, understandably, gave up on me in a romantic sense. He continued to be my friend thru mail and long phone calls, but started to look for someone else to date.

In my head I didnt realise that time had flown by so fast and by the time I came out of my brainfog and wanted to see him, he had found someone. (Or rather she found him since she asked him out first)

I was devastated when I realised that this seemingly great guy had moved on and I no longer had a chance.

A year after he had been dating his girlfriend he confided to me that she had no interest in sex because of a rare disease [i know for a fact that this is irrefutably true] He also told me how she was becoming a workaholic and wouldnt move close to him because of it. (she still to this day lives 30 minutes away from him)

He told me that he loved her but didnt know what do about her illness or preoccupation with her high powered career.

This somehow rekindled hope that he might become free again some day.

Still another year went by and I was still living at home taking care of my mother who ate up all my time. When my mother told me that she wanted me to take care of her the rest of my life and that I should never date or marry, I realised I had to leave and have someone else take care of her.

My mother's illness makes her erratic and she became violent when I tried to leave home and I decided to leave the state to get away from her.

The person who came to my aid and basically rescued me was guess who ? My long term far away friend. He chided me that I should have met him and never have taken care of my mother for years. He told me how we would've been married by then if I had made a different choice.

When I left home I moved........To his town......... Not the best choice I know now.

He eventually accepted me moving to his town (its actually a small city), but for the first year I was there he acted very standoffish.

He still had the same girlfriend but he said they were seeing less of each other and that he didnt know if he could marry someone whom he had never slept with, who had no interest in sex to begin with. (Myself , he and his girlfriend are all Catholics)

After 2 years of me living in his town and many times where I heard him tell his girlfriend on the

phone that she didnt give him enough and that he doubted her love, he and I began a tangled &

intense intimate relationship.

I brought him coffee in the morning, fed him dinner at night, did all his laundry, ran errands for him and basically helped him in every area of his life. His family wasn't thrilled with his relationship with his girlfriend and actually were kind enough to include me in family gatherings and gave me gifts and treated me as nicely as possible. (which fueled my faulty thinking that he'd leave his girlfriend for me)

He is the only man I have ever slept with which also adds to my prolonged attachment.

I reasoned in my mind that it was okay for me to engage in pretending he was my pseudo boyfriend because he complained about how he had known me first and was missing stuff in his relationship with his (real) girlfriend.

Our interlude together was strongest the first 3 years, but I gave him an ultimatum 2 years

ago to pick her or me and he said he couldnt ....yet........I had a slow quiet meltdown inside and began to protect myself in a subconsciously subversive way. I stopped taking care of him as much and where once I was sweet and charming I became snarky and vituperous. I also digustingly enough started to eat instead of being intimate with him. So I put on weight which really disgusted him (also digusting myself)

But still I loved him, still I wanted him to see my pain and love me in spite of falling apart.

So presently I'm overweight, have screwed up my good looks with fat and am angry at myself for not being positive and moving on in a healthy manner with my life.

He and I still talk all the time and hang out , but he is still with his girlfriend and still has monthly blowout fights on the phone with her.

One day he tells me can take her anymore, th enext day he excuses her behavior because of her illness.

He is slightly older than me and has recently said he doesnt want to be so old to be married and a dad.

He says he blames me being around for not having gotten on with his sooner. He says if I had stayed skinny and sweet and caring he wouldve married me. (easy for him to say now, huh ?)

I think he is dropping hints that this is the year after a decade of dating his girlfriend that hell finally give in and settle on her for life.

Somehow the thought of this is so heartbreaking to me. I know I need to move on with my life, but I really don't know how.

More than anything, he and I share the exact same interests, sense of humor, religion, political views, tastes and can talk for hours on end.

I just dont know how to give up someone I've know for 1/3 of my life. But I also know I can NOT be friends with him when he finally (probably) gets engaged to his girlfriend. Plus he has hinted that should he marry her that he couldnt stand knowing me and hear about me dating other men finally. How do I deal with this inertia and heartbreak ?

 

 

 

PAX

[Reckless]

I just dont know how to give up someone I've know for 1/3 of my life.

 

Maybe it's not 'giving up', maybe it's recognizing that your relationship has run it's course. Your friendship was helpful, even vital at a certain time but there's just nowhere for it now to go.

 

The right person at the wrong time is the 'wrong person'. Maybe if you'd have both got together when you were 21 you'd have made it but then again, do you know how many first loves fail? How many people get married at 21 and bitterly regret it by 30? You just don't know what your life would have been like with him, wonderful maybe, but I hazard a guess that someone that effectively has had a ten year involvement with two women would not have made the best of husbands. Besides, looking back is useless, you are only 33 your life is NOT over, hell I wish I was 33 again!!

 

You are of course deeply attached to this man, moving on will be hard, very hard. But he has chosen this present girlfriend - he 'waited' for you for a year, you waited for 11; view the tab as paid and start the long road to independence.

 

Love will find you again, but only if you give up on the dream of a future with him. Stop contact with him, wish him well and start putting one foot in front of the other. Get fit, so you can be happy with the body you own, I'm sure you're very beautiful and have much going for you. You have to move on because someone that wasn't even married but made (or allowed you) to wait for 12 years to untangle himself can never, ever be 'the one'.

 

No two objects can occupy the same space, clear your heart and someone else will find a home in it. As far as love is concerned, my motto is and always will be the Churchill quote: 'Never give up, never surrender!!!!'

 

Good Luck,

R

[bark]

How do I deal with this inertia and heartbreak ?

 

Selkie, your story is heartrending. Your right, though, this triangle must end. And you, not him, must end it.The pain, while wrenching, will I hope be preferable to the long slow agony of these last years.

 

You've built your life around a man who's on the verge of marrying someone else, has treated you like his valet and has said very, very cruel things to you.

 

As for inertia, you moved away from your mother, you have the emotional capacity to leave his world. I would look for work in another town--one far away from this man. There, I would diet, undergo counseling and try to met new people. You must break this dependency, and the best way to do that is to experience new people who might be even more fun and interesting (not to mention nicer) than this guy. The sea is big, and there are lots of fish. It is long past time for you to re-define yourself far away from him. And by "far" I mean not just geographically, but emotionally, intellectually and and existentially. This demeaning holding pattern must end.

 

As for heartbreak, yeah, it will be gut wrenching. But what would be worse is his marrying the girlfriend and cutting you out of his life completely. The pain and humiliation would be overwhelming.

 

To protect yourself, you must get out, now. Better to be the actor than the victim...

[2004resolutions]

Hi there Selkie -

 

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much, but am glad that you found a place for support. I just want to start off by saying that leaving someone is never, ever easy. And when you attempt to leave someone who you love, and who says that he loves you - it's extremely difficult.

 

I'm concerned for you about some of the things that he has said...

 

Originally posted by Selkie

He chided me that I should have met him and never have taken care of my mother for years. He told me how we would've been married by then if I had made a different choice.

 

I brought him coffee in the morning, fed him dinner at night, did all his laundry, ran errands for him and basically helped him in every area of his life.

 

I put on weight which really disgusted him (also digusting myself), He says he blames me being around for not having gotten on with his sooner. He says if I had stayed skinny and sweet and caring he wouldve married me. (easy for him to say now, huh ?)

 

He is putting the blame on you for what is clearly something that he has responsibility for. He isn't even married!! If he wants to be with you, all he has to do is break up with his girlfriend. By no means is breaking up with someone easy, but if he wants to be with you he could leave his girlfriend and be done with it. I'm sorry Selkie, but as an outsider it appears as if he is putting the blame on you instead of dealing with what he has to deal with. It's clearly not your fault.

 

About taking care of your Mom and the weight - I'm really concerned about the shame and the guilt that you feel about both of them. With your Mom, you have done a wonderful thing in taking care of your Mom and you should be proud of yourself for it! You shouldn't feel shame or guilt for it. Likewise with the weight. I cringe to hear that he is disgusted by it and that he uses it as a reason that he hasn't married you. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt for it. You are/were clearly hurting inside and where was he when you needed intimacy (emotional)?

 

I'm really sorry, Selkie - I know how difficult this is. I'd love for you to see that you do deserve to move on from this, and that someone who really loves you won't blame you for things that he hasn't/has done. As I said, it's excruciatingly painful to leave someone, but you will be much happier and healthier for it.

 

As for how to do it - you've made a great first step in coming here for support. Writing how you're feeling is a good way to start to deal with the pain. Just put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. People are here to help you if you start to fall. But soon enough, you'll be running again!

 

Best of luck to you...

[Selkie]

I deeply appreciate the advice that you have all offered up to me.

I actually have saved the responses and reread them over the last week.

I have now officially ended my lingering 'friendship'

I'm both scared of the lone road ahead, but also, I must admit I feel this tiny stirring sense of excitement.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words !

 

 

 

PAX

[jester]

I have now officially ended my lingering 'friendship'

I'm both scared of the lone road ahead, but also, I must admit I feel this tiny stirring sense of excitement.

 

 

 

I'm so happy for your decision and resolve.

 

Good luck in taking these new roads.