rose45 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 my ex and i were together for over a couple of years and broke up over a year ago but noone did anything so wrong..no cheating or anything..just arguments over silly things; jealousy on my part which i learned from, trivial stuff..maybe we needed time apart. He knows i loved him alot. i contacted him a year later leaving a v-mail and he called me back a few minutes later and i explained my regrets immediately and he said he can't jump back into this which I understood. We can't rush back into being together. He also said there are financial things going on stressing him out and also how he feels closed off right now. He said we would exchange calls and then meet. We have been talking for a few months about twice a week. And just from knowing him I can tell he isn't the type to run back; like it wouldn't be a switch for him to just jump back immediately and it would be a long process. Its also going to be really awkward when we do see each other. I don't think he ever got back with an ex; i think anything to do with emotions and tough situations he tries to ignore. He also does seem like he isn't happy with the way things in his life are going (unless he is bs'ing me). He says with the mortgage he is paying for a family member's house he has negative income coming in and that he also might have to give up his apartment. He also said he thinks his job will be making rounds of layoffs and he would eventually be affected. He also said if he gave up his apartment (and I live at home but actually might be moving out soon but i didn't tell him that just yet.) he said where are we going to go; what are we going to do? you need money to do some things etc. I said its not a reason to not see someone. You work around it. He said it doesn't feel right to him right now to see each other. He said he can't erase the negative things or red flags that happened before so quickly etc (noone cheated or anything; it was just petty arguments that should have been avoided) I told him i really regret alot of things and that alot of situations were very new for me and he said he knows. hopefully i didn't screw things up so much that he can't give this another chance and I hope i didn't do anything so wrong in these months we were talking. I didn't bring up us or meeting until about the 3rd month of us talking every few days. Most people said how casual could i have been without bringing something up with this moving forward to atleast seeing each other once. He didn't do everything right when we were together either but i do take more of the blame and truly have alot of regrets. He actually said i shouldn't torture myself about it; it was a long time ago. He said at the very least just put things on hold and that he needs to square other things away first and that he just isn't in that mindset right now to be in a relationship and to basically give it more time for him to think about it. I asked him directly do you want me to go away and is this a done deal? and he said he isn't ready to say ok don't talk to me anymore. And I asked so you don't even know if you want to see me in a few months? and he said well it would have to be within a few months or so and that he can't expect me to wait 5 years for a phone call and i told him no i can't do that. I also pointed out it seems like you are turning down the idea without even trying and he said what we have been doing now is trying but he just isn't ready right now and that he sort of got used to the way things are right now. I asked what are you so afraid of? and he said that it seems whatever he takes a chance on turns to crap. And he said he knows what will happen when we do see each other; it will just be more and more--whatever that means--becoming attached again? I sort of agreed to put things on hold by saying ok so you will call me? He said he would call during the week. He said he doesnt doubt that i have been trying very hard and he knows i have good intentions. We had another conversation a week later after this serious one regarding my job and the changes that could be coming. He said to let him know what happens. I asked him if he wants to call me soon though? and he said he would. Its been almost 2 months since we spoke. I am glad the emotional holidays are over which might have caused him to avoid speaking during those times because we werent going to be a couple(xmas, nye, vday). I wasn't expecting it either. I decided to call this past sunday and i left a casual voicemail saying just wanted to say hi and see how u were etc etc. Still no call back. I really want to text him asking how he was and to tell him the team i am on will be starting soon to kind of show I will be busy and I am not expecting to spend all this time with him if we ever did reconcile....and i also wanted to text him i know u mentioned awhile ago i had stressed you out. i just didnt know what you were thinking but now that i do we can drop the subject. How is everything? I really don't just want to disappear and let things be like we were never speaking for months. It seems so weird to just blow me off completely and I want an answer other than just silence. I am hoping he isn't blowing me off and maybe he just isn't ready to talk or something and will still get back to me but its probably not looking good its like i did something wrong already...really hurting because we were talking every few days for about 4 months and now he disappeared.
DustySaltus Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Rose, who broke up with whom? A second chance cannot work unless both people are willing to work on the issues that led to the breakup in the first place and make a committed effort to fix them. Nowadays, it has become such a hard thing accomplish because people would much rather move onto someone new then go down an old road of unwanted self-reflection on their part of the demise of the relationship. Look at his actions. He isn't exactly beating down your door is he? A lot can happen in a year. Again, why did you break up?
Author rose45 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 He called we had a long talk. And he basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me. I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did. One thing i mentioned was wishing i had met him when i was older(he's about 9 years older than me) and he said is it that big of a difference? and i said no not that in that way..just the fact i was very inexperienced with everything when i met you. He is the first and only guy i have been with sexually, my first love etc. He said he thinks i regretted that because i brought it up a few times how he could look back and i couldnt. I said i never once regretted it; i think i was just insecure at times over it but in reality i did like it about you being the only one. I hope the way i said things doesn't make him think i have done it with all these new guys? but probably from my emotions still being with him i would hope he thinks otherwise.... I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer? I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change. I tried getting as much direct info as i could and think of all the questions i wanted to ask..... i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting me he would have been seeing someone already or looking and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk. I do feel better we spoke but i still hope that if he knew for sure he didn't have any feelings that he would just say that and rip the whole bandaid off and then i would leave him alone for good. I was thinking i should continue to try and talk to him on the phone and continue dating like i have been doing to see what else is out there and hope for the best with him and i as well?
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