wheelwright Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 How many choices did you make that you feel were cowardly or brave? (Inspired by thrown under a bus thread).
Author wheelwright Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Cowardly- that I got into an A with a MM just because I was in love with him. Cowardly- that I made every excuse in the book to stay in the A. Cowardly- that I didn't end it sooner. Brave- that I finally did end it and haven't looked back. Perhaps the reasons for the cowardice/bravery are more interesting. Should have stated this from the start. In particular Jt, why is 'just love' a cowardly reason from the start?
Heather1 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 cowardly - that I thought we could carve something normal out of an A brave - that I gave it a shot (I don't have regrets about him at all) & that I've been able to maintain NC for a few weeks. brave - That Kenny Roger's song, "Know when to walk away & know when to run." brave - that we're stopping before more damage is done.
Author wheelwright Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 - That Kenny Roger's song, "Know when to walk away & know when to run." brave - that we're stopping before more damage is done. I have listened to The Gambler a few times. Yep. Good advice.
jennie-jennie Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I feel brave for remaining in the extramarital relationship when there are no guarantees where we are going. I feel brave for demanding to be treated like in any other relationship. I feel brave because we spend a lot of time working on our communication skills and making sure our relationship is as good as is possible. I feel brave for keeping my self-respect intact even though I am choosing to be the OW.
jennie-jennie Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I have listened to The Gambler a few times. Yep. Good advice. "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."
MizzBlue72 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Well, I made a brave choice by leaving my H. My son was 4. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was abusive to me, and he loved our son. I started IC and AlAnon. Through this, I realized how dysfunctional our relationship was. At first, I didn't want to admit. It wasn't until I started hearing and seeing what this was doing to my son that I decided to leave. I made a weak choice by having an A. I met a great man, we were both married at the time. We have been seeing each other two years now. Yes - it was a weak choice for both of us, because we were married when we started seeing each other. I should have left prior to seeing someone else, but this man. At first, it was just sex. I thought I could leave it at that. Be he listened to me, and showed me more emotion than my xH ever did. He is now in the middle of a divorce, and lives in the same state as I do. He has a lot to go through, since he has only been separated from his W for 2 months. We are great friends now, and we are not pushing anything. I've made weak choices when it comes to the relationship with the MM. I must have tried to end the relationship with him 20 times. Prior to him moving here, I did break it off - completely. I was scared to death that he was leaving for me. I know that may sound incredibly stupid to a lot of the readers on here, but I knew that I left the marriage I was in for me and my son - NOT the MM. I would never give up marriage (even as bad as mine was) for a man. I made a brave choice with the MM many times when I tried to convince him to go back to his W. I knew in my heart that I loved him, like I have loved no one else, but I didn't want him to hurt, or go through the pain of a divorce like I did. 15 months post divorce and I am FINALLY feeling like I am clear - on my feet again. I would rather hurt myself than see him hurting. He made a brave choice by leaving for himself. He told me he was moving here for himself, not for me, and that if our relationship works, then great. If not, we would always be friends - that I was not the reason he left. I needed to hear that - I needed to know that I was not the reason their marriage failed. He said many times recently that all I would of had to do was ask him to move here and he would have come in a heartbeat. I never would have. So - I am not sure if the decisions that I make today are brave or weak. I do know that the life I have with my child is our own, that the MM and my relationship is good, strong. We are like best friends. I have made a great decision to NOT introduce the MM to my son (and he agrees) until we decide that this would be a long term relationship. Someday it maybe, but I am not pushy. Neither is he.
Heather1 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Wow....incredibly brave!!! on a side, most M are in trouble way before an A happens. I don't blame OM at all for my M problems. I had a neon blinking sign saying "help me" for years before anything happened.
Samantha0905 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Wow....incredibly brave!!! on a side, most M are in trouble way before an A happens. I don't blame OM at all for my M problems. I had a neon blinking sign saying "help me" for years before anything happened. True. That neon sign was blinking in my face. I am the one who was supposed to respond to it. Coward: Not facing up to the sign.
MizzBlue72 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 True. That neon sign was blinking in my face. I am the one who was supposed to respond to it. Coward: Not facing up to the sign. ABSOLUTELY!!! When you can realize that you need to change something and then don't - that is cowardly. I think we are all brave in our own ways.
bestplayer Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 (edited) Well, I made a brave choice by leaving my H. My son was 4. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was abusive to me, and he loved our son. I started IC and AlAnon. Through this, I realized how dysfunctional our relationship was. At first, I didn't want to admit. It wasn't until I started hearing and seeing what this was doing to my son that I decided to leave. I made a weak choice by having an A. I met a great man, we were both married at the time. We have been seeing each other two years now. Yes - it was a weak choice for both of us, because we were married when we started seeing each other. I should have left prior to seeing someone else, but this man. At first, it was just sex. I thought I could leave it at that. Be he listened to me, and showed me more emotion than my xH ever did. He is now in the middle of a divorce, and lives in the same state as I do. He has a lot to go through, since he has only been separated from his W for 2 months. We are great friends now, and we are not pushing anything. I've made weak choices when it comes to the relationship with the MM. I must have tried to end the relationship with him 20 times. Prior to him moving here, I did break it off - completely. I was scared to death that he was leaving for me. I know that may sound incredibly stupid to a lot of the readers on here, but I knew that I left the marriage I was in for me and my son - NOT the MM. I would never give up marriage (even as bad as mine was) for a man. I made a brave choice with the MM many times when I tried to convince him to go back to his W. I knew in my heart that I loved him, like I have loved no one else, but I didn't want him to hurt, or go through the pain of a divorce like I did. 15 months post divorce and I am FINALLY feeling like I am clear - on my feet again. I would rather hurt myself than see him hurting. He made a brave choice by leaving for himself. He told me he was moving here for himself, not for me, and that if our relationship works, then great. If not, we would always be friends - that I was not the reason he left. I needed to hear that - I needed to know that I was not the reason their marriage failed. He said many times recently that all I would of had to do was ask him to move here and he would have come in a heartbeat. I never would have. So - I am not sure if the decisions that I make today are brave or weak. I do know that the life I have with my child is our own, that the MM and my relationship is good, strong. We are like best friends. I have made a great decision to NOT introduce the MM to my son (and he agrees) until we decide that this would be a long term relationship. Someday it maybe, but I am not pushy. Neither is he. I know that may sound incredibly stupid to a lot of the readers on here, but I knew that I left the marriage I was in for me and my son - NOT the MM MizzBlue72 , i think u r saying exactly what most of the posters on this site who left their husband for other man say . once u have so intense feelings for someone else , u can't just turn it off & go back to ur marriage even if it was possible to work it out . there are so many stories on this site where even good marriage becomes unbearble after u fall deeply in love with some one else & u will find so many reasons to leave . I am not saying it is right or wrong but its manipulation for sure . If were at your place I would do the same but I would never hide the real reasons . Best of luck Edited March 15, 2010 by bestplayer
pureinheart Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Wow....incredibly brave!!! on a side, most M are in trouble way before an A happens. I don't blame OM at all for my M problems. I had a neon blinking sign saying "help me" for years before anything happened. Many blame the A's...I would say this is the norm, as the A had nothing to do with the M...
Hazyhead Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Well, I made a brave choice by leaving my H. My son was 4. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was abusive to me, and he loved our son. I started IC and AlAnon. Through this, I realized how dysfunctional our relationship was. At first, I didn't want to admit. It wasn't until I started hearing and seeing what this was doing to my son that I decided to leave. I made a weak choice by having an A. I met a great man, we were both married at the time. We have been seeing each other two years now. Yes - it was a weak choice for both of us, because we were married when we started seeing each other. I should have left prior to seeing someone else, but this man. At first, it was just sex. I thought I could leave it at that. Be he listened to me, and showed me more emotion than my xH ever did. He is now in the middle of a divorce, and lives in the same state as I do. He has a lot to go through, since he has only been separated from his W for 2 months. We are great friends now, and we are not pushing anything. I've made weak choices when it comes to the relationship with the MM. I must have tried to end the relationship with him 20 times. Prior to him moving here, I did break it off - completely. I was scared to death that he was leaving for me. I know that may sound incredibly stupid to a lot of the readers on here, but I knew that I left the marriage I was in for me and my son - NOT the MM. I would never give up marriage (even as bad as mine was) for a man. I made a brave choice with the MM many times when I tried to convince him to go back to his W. I knew in my heart that I loved him, like I have loved no one else, but I didn't want him to hurt, or go through the pain of a divorce like I did. 15 months post divorce and I am FINALLY feeling like I am clear - on my feet again. I would rather hurt myself than see him hurting. He made a brave choice by leaving for himself. He told me he was moving here for himself, not for me, and that if our relationship works, then great. If not, we would always be friends - that I was not the reason he left. I needed to hear that - I needed to know that I was not the reason their marriage failed. He said many times recently that all I would of had to do was ask him to move here and he would have come in a heartbeat. I never would have. So - I am not sure if the decisions that I make today are brave or weak. I do know that the life I have with my child is our own, that the MM and my relationship is good, strong. We are like best friends. I have made a great decision to NOT introduce the MM to my son (and he agrees) until we decide that this would be a long term relationship. Someday it maybe, but I am not pushy. Neither is he. This is such a hard situation Miz, I was there but only briefly and still I felt such a burden. I wish you the very best and I do hope it works out for you, whatever that may be.
Author wheelwright Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Well, I made a brave choice by leaving my H. My son was 4. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was abusive to me, and he loved our son. I started IC and AlAnon. Through this, I realized how dysfunctional our relationship was. At first, I didn't want to admit. It wasn't until I started hearing and seeing what this was doing to my son that I decided to leave. I made a weak choice by having an A. I met a great man, we were both married at the time. We have been seeing each other two years now. Yes - it was a weak choice for both of us, because we were married when we started seeing each other. I should have left prior to seeing someone else, but this man. At first, it was just sex. I thought I could leave it at that. Be he listened to me, and showed me more emotion than my xH ever did. He is now in the middle of a divorce, and lives in the same state as I do. He has a lot to go through, since he has only been separated from his W for 2 months. We are great friends now, and we are not pushing anything. I've made weak choices when it comes to the relationship with the MM. I must have tried to end the relationship with him 20 times. Prior to him moving here, I did break it off - completely. I was scared to death that he was leaving for me. I know that may sound incredibly stupid to a lot of the readers on here, but I knew that I left the marriage I was in for me and my son - NOT the MM. I would never give up marriage (even as bad as mine was) for a man. I made a brave choice with the MM many times when I tried to convince him to go back to his W. I knew in my heart that I loved him, like I have loved no one else, but I didn't want him to hurt, or go through the pain of a divorce like I did. 15 months post divorce and I am FINALLY feeling like I am clear - on my feet again. I would rather hurt myself than see him hurting. He made a brave choice by leaving for himself. He told me he was moving here for himself, not for me, and that if our relationship works, then great. If not, we would always be friends - that I was not the reason he left. I needed to hear that - I needed to know that I was not the reason their marriage failed. He said many times recently that all I would of had to do was ask him to move here and he would have come in a heartbeat. I never would have. So - I am not sure if the decisions that I make today are brave or weak. I do know that the life I have with my child is our own, that the MM and my relationship is good, strong. We are like best friends. I have made a great decision to NOT introduce the MM to my son (and he agrees) until we decide that this would be a long term relationship. Someday it maybe, but I am not pushy. Neither is he. This is a heartening read because there is a lot of bravery there. In facing up to things, working through things, and sticking to principles.
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 How many choices did you make that you feel were cowardly or brave? My cowardly decision was to enter the A in the first place with XOM. I should have faced the problems in my M head on or get a D, not have an A. My bravest decision was to go NC with XOM and end our LC "friendship". I didn't know I had it in me. If I had not gone NC I would still be torturing myself to see if he emailed today or not. Always looking for the affirmation that he still thinks of me. I feel much stronger today. I no longer look for affirmations or emails. It doesn't mean that I have stopped thinking of him (and I really wish I could) it means I have come to this place of acceptance of an end.
pureinheart Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done." LOL...BTW Kenny Rogers was my moms first love...
bestplayer Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 cowardly - that I thought we could carve something normal out of an A brave - that I gave it a shot (I don't have regrets about him at all) & that I've been able to maintain NC for a few weeks. brave - That Kenny Roger's song, "Know when to walk away & know when to run." brave - that we're stopping before more damage is done. what do we call leaving a partner for someone else ? brave or cowardice ?
crazycatlady Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 what do we call leaving a partner for someone else ? brave or cowardice ? It would depend on why I would suppose. I'm a coward because I can't confront him that I know. I'm brave because can understand how it happened, why it happened, and know it doesn't change that he loves and desires me. And superwoman because I spent 4 days with the OW and never once wanted to punch her face in, well until late the last night when she tried to crawl into bed with me drunk off her butt. And then it was for interrupting my sleep. I love my sleep. CCL
bestplayer Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Many blame the A's...I would say this is the norm, as the A had nothing to do with the M... yet surprisingly , the statistics shows that most of the marriage breaks up because of affairs.
bestplayer Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 It would depend on why I would suppose. I'm a coward because I can't confront him that I know. I'm brave because can understand how it happened, why it happened, and know it doesn't change that he loves and desires me. And superwoman because I spent 4 days with the OW and never once wanted to punch her face in, well until late the last night when she tried to crawl into bed with me drunk off her butt. And then it was for interrupting my sleep. I love my sleep. CCL well actually the question is about the person who has the affair not the BS
crazycatlady Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 well actually the question is about the person who has the affair not the BS Well actually I went back and looked, and it didn't specify. The BS might not be the one actually cheating, but they are part of the affair, and their reactions to discovering the affair could be cowardly or brave as well.
White Flower Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) How many choices did you make that you feel were cowardly or brave? (Inspired by thrown under a bus thread). These are brave and cowardly things I have done with regard to my A. Brave 1. The choice to begin an affair before D. I was always told I'd be killed if I did that. I'm not dead and that makes me feel courageous. 2. Baring my soul to the greatest man on the planet. Imagine George Clooney as a Marine who took a bullet for the President. Yeah, that's the guy I bare my soul to. That takes guts. 3. Divorcing my @#$%$%^& of an exH who would love to see me homeless and that was a very close risk I took upon divorcing him. Luckily I faced that challenge and I now have the house and the kids most of the time. 4. Walking away from MM when the R wasn't going the way I wanted it knowing I could lose him forever and not looking back. (He made it better and I came back). 5. Every time I tell someone about our affair knowing full well I could lose their friendship. I have never once lost a friend by telling, btw. Cowardly 1. Not taking MM's W's phone call on D-day. I should have answered that call even though I was talking to him at the time. I will always wonder what she would have said to me. She never left a message. 2. Not feeling comfortable when MM introduced me to a large group of his military friends. I was afraid of what they thought of me since he did not bring his W to this event and a lot of them know her. And this event was televised. (Now I am baring my soul to all of you), Actually, I felt brave for attending but secretly cowardly inside for feeling awkward if you KWIM. I'm sure I wouldn't feel awkward if we were out in the open. I am pondering more and will share later. Edited March 16, 2010 by White Flower
White Flower Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 yet surprisingly , the statistics shows that most of the marriage breaks up because of affairs. Thanks for stating this. It happens to be contrary to what we're usually told here at LS but it is a refreshing difference for today.
White Flower Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 It would depend on why I would suppose. I'm a coward because I can't confront him that I know. I'm brave because can understand how it happened, why it happened, and know it doesn't change that he loves and desires me. And superwoman because I spent 4 days with the OW and never once wanted to punch her face in, well until late the last night when she tried to crawl into bed with me drunk off her butt. And then it was for interrupting my sleep. I love my sleep. CCLI'm confused and need a refresher. CCL, you are the W, right? Is 'OW' your OW or hour H's?
jennie-jennie Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 what do we call leaving a partner for someone else ? brave or cowardice ? Brave, no one should stay in a marriage when they love someone else.
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