start-fresh Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I know you're just playin', but to a lot of men it's either casual sex or a commitment strong enough to lead into marriage...no room for a true "Get to know you" phase. That's why some of them get burned too...the girl that was immediate marriage material wasn't what the guy had dreamed her up to be in his mind. And a girl who is obsessed with material items is also grounds for a "Next!" It's because the 'get to know you' phase is a very dangerous one to be in. The guy could waste a lot of time and money on a woman while she figures out what she even wants. Anyway, women, is it really this hard for you to find guys to date? I'm amazed how many women complain about all of the guys just looking for FWB. I just don't know people that are so upfront about just looking for sex.
Kamille Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 woah slow down AU! You're internalizing the FWB request of non-commital guys as somehow a statement on you? No way na ha. All women get hit on by men looking for casual things. It isn't a statement on who she is, it's a statement about what they're looking for at the moment. I was wondering why you were so upset about this but now it all makes sense. I somehow get the impression that you feel extremely powerless when it comes to dating, like no man is ever going to bother to get to know the real you. Am I right?
Author Awesome Username Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Ehh, both men and women don't try very hard. If I, as a woman, knew of a way to try that actually worked, I would try very hard for a man I have feelings for. A lot of men I know do not want to women to try to chase them. The closest thing I can think of in regards to trying for a man is to get ready and put on makeup, to look nice.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 woah slow down AU! You're internalizing the FWB request of non-commital guys as somehow a statement on you? No way na ha. All women get hit on by men looking for casual things. It isn't a statement on who she is, it's a statement about what they're looking for at the moment. I was wondering why you were so upset about this but now it all makes sense. I somehow get the impression that you feel extremely powerless when it comes to dating, like no man is ever going to bother to get to know the real you. Am I right? Right on the money!
Author Awesome Username Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 From my view, I love it when women pursue me. I hate the convention that says men have to do all the work, because it's BS. It's a strange thing, because I'm very much naturally the kind of woman who pursues. It has taken a lot of mental energy to retrain myself to try to get a man to pursue me instead. It feels awkward sometimes. I've noticed that in all instances of me pursuing a man, I get them but they never develop strong feelings for me, and take me for granted. That is why I've changed my approach.
Kamille Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I know this all sounds cliché, but it really comes down to this: you have to believe in who you are and that you have a lot to offer a lucky man. Date knowing you won't waste time or energy on anyone who doesn't live up to your standard (such as these guys). It's about self-esteem really. My dating life changed once I got fed up trying to convince guys to give me a chance and flipped it to me evaluating if I was going to give them a chance. In that scenario, I simply walked away from guys who offered casual relationships, gracefully, with a no thank you. I knew what I wanted and deserved. By the time I met my bf I had mellowed out because by that time I knew knew knew I was ready for a serious relationship, one where I had lots to offer. I also no longer felt powerless on the dating scene. I hope this helps and I hope I'm being clear. You are not powerless and you shouldn't let the opinion of strangers affect you. This guy has clearly demonstrated he isn't worth your time - not the other way around.
Lucky555 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 it still makes me sick to my stomach that someone would look at me and fathom that I'm the type of girl who would let them do that. It makes me wonder if I looked or acted differently, if a man like that would do the same. ugh I know what you mean..haha i was reviewing the last statments i had with the guy i told to get lost..."I thought the arrangement we had was working" WHAT!!!!!!! I totally was not thinking the greatest during the time i dumped him and i went back to our conversation to see what the hell went wrong. NOW I see. I was his arrangement. wow. I was insulted and still am by guys who think they are going to get causal sex and pretend like they are into you. UGH some men.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 As a man, for me I want to get to know a girl before I sleep with her. I gave up on the one night stands a long time ago, but at the same time after being betrayed in a 6 year relationship, I'm reluctant to get to know a girl who could potentially do the same thing after tremendous effort. The sad thing is that it takes one long relationship that messes up on a man's part to ruin the chances with another girl for years. I've had feelings for AMAZING men who couldn't have them back because of being burned like that. It's like the ex not only burned them, but burned me too. I hope you can learn to eventually put that aside enough to not compare another girl to her, and break the chain of men that are damaged goods after one relationship. Yours was six years long, so it might take a while. Just please don't be afraid to give someone else a REAL chance someday. I don't want every man that has the ability to be in a long, loving relationship to lose that part of them just because they didn't find the right fit.
Woggle Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 The sad thing is that it takes one long relationship that messes up on a man's part to ruin the chances with another girl for years. I've had feelings for AMAZING men who couldn't have them back because of being burned like that. It's like the ex not only burned them, but burned me too. I hope you can learn to eventually put that aside enough to not compare another girl to her, and break the chain of men that are damaged goods after one relationship. Yours was six years long, so it might take a while. Just please don't be afraid to give someone else a REAL chance someday. I don't want every man that has the ability to be in a long, loving relationship to lose that part of them just because they didn't find the right fit. I am sorry for what you are going through but blame the women who chew up good guys and spit them out. After getting burnt once men tend to vow never to let it happen again.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 I am sorry for what you are going through but blame the women who chew up good guys and spit them out. After getting burnt once men tend to vow never to let it happen again. Thus weeding out all of the good men, and leaving us single girls to deal with these headgame guys. Also, being crazy about a guy and then later finding that he has unresolved romantic feelings or anger (usually one and the same) for the ex is like a punch in the gut. It has happened to me so often, that I'm afraid of having feelings for a guy.
Johnny M Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 If I, as a woman, knew of a way to try that actually worked, I would try very hard for a man I have feelings for. A lot of men I know do not want to women to try to chase them. The closest thing I can think of in regards to trying for a man is to get ready and put on makeup, to look nice. I'm sorry, but this is total BS and obviously your way of rationalizing your own passivity. If, as you say, the closest thing you can think of in regards to trying for a man is to get ready and put on makeup, it's hardly surprising that you are only attracting men who want casual sex. So don't be angry at men, be angry at yourself for your lack of insight. Men are human too, you know. They enjoy attention from the opposite sex as much as women do. Personally, if I'm interested in a girl but I get a feeling that the flow is attention is mostly one-sided (i.e. she never calls first or initiates dates), I will drop her an move on. Life is too short to waste your time on women like that. You said that you changed your ways because you used to be chasing men with ho-hum results. It sounds like you went from one extreme to another and missed the happy medium along the way. If the attraction is mutual, neither side should feel like they are chasing the other person.
shadowplay Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 It's a strange thing, because I'm very much naturally the kind of woman who pursues. It has taken a lot of mental energy to retrain myself to try to get a man to pursue me instead. It feels awkward sometimes. I've noticed that in all instances of me pursuing a man, I get them but they never develop strong feelings for me, and take me for granted. That is why I've changed my approach. This isn't always the case. I was the one who initiated with my boyfriend (I emailed him 3 months ago and asked him out to coffee) and he couldn't feel more strongly about me.
shadowplay Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Good to know some women make the first move. Seems like so many are still conditioned to believe only the man should. I mean some have to me, but it's not as common as it should be. Yeah, I think the key is if a woman makes the first move to let the guy take over after that point. If a girl finds herself still needing to pursue, then something is wrong.
St. Nick Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Need I remind you that a relationship goes both ways? If you want sex without commitment and she wants commitment, then go find another girl. Only losers pressure girls into things they do not want to do. There are plenty of girls who will sleep with you with no strings attached. Go sleep with them. Sexual incompatibility is toxic, a real man would end the relationship before it begins. In the original post she never stated how these dudes approached her. How do you know they pressured her? I bet she asked them what they wanted, they stated it bluntly, and she got turned off. You're assuming way too much and favoring her from that 1-paragraph post. A lot of people exaggerate things on this board by making themselves seem victimized in some way. I wouldn't be surprised if this was another case of good ole American prudery toward sex. And what's your definition of sexual incompatibility? Is it because she's obviously sexually immature while these men are not?
homersheineken Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Yeah, I think the key is if a woman makes the first move to let the guy take over after that point. If a girl finds herself still needing to pursue, then something is wrong. Really? I don't want to do ALL the pursuing. I don't mind doing it most of (or even nearly all of) the time, but I do like women to take a bit of initiative and direction - to show me that you're interested sometimes too.
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