Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 (edited) Been doing the online dating thing for years and I've run across this statement that's an instant turn-off for me and I imagine all guys. It comes in various forms but essentially says the same thing. It's a statement that doesn't just apply to online dating, but probably all situations where a girl and boy are feeling each other out for possible companionship. Backstory: I date girls who are "easy." When I email a chick a few times before deciding whether to ask her out or not, I try to glean "what she's looking for," which usually means whether she's easy or not. I've had a number of women tell me that they're "traditional," or do "friends-first," or some come right out and say, "I'm not looking for hookups," or the equivalent. That's fine. I usually stop emailing those women because that's not what I'm looking for, but I understand it and that's fine. It's not insulting. The ones I will ask out must say something along the lines of they're "just dating," or "having fun," "I've met a lot of guys," or some other line that lets me know they're easy. That's great, because that's what I'm looking for. However, I've found that a surprising number of chicks--and one just yesterday--say something along the lines of, "In the past I was having fun dating guys, but now I'm looking for something more serious." This basically tells me that you were easy and you slept with a bunch of other dudes, but now you're going to make me work for it. Maybe it's a blow-off line, but in online dating if you want to blow someone off you just stop talking. The times I've heard it it has seemed to me to be a serious line, but I can't imagine what the girls are thinking when they say this. I can understand "I'm not easy." But I can't understand why you'd tell any guy, "I was easy, but now I'm not." You see how that would be totally distasteful for a man? He can only think one of two things: that he missed the party bus, or that the girl has singled him out as being less desirable than other men. The other dudes could get into her pants no problem, but he's going to have to do a long-term relationship to get any. I mean, it's an honest statement for sure, "I used to be a slut, but now I'm not," but not something any dude really wants to hear, especially the type of long-term guy that she's (now) looking to find! The more I think about it the more I think it must be a blow-off line. No sane woman could expect a man to date her long-term after she told him something like that. What man would think to himself, "Wow, this girl banged guys who didn't do anything more than smile at her, and now I have to be her boyfriend to get any. Lucky me!" It must only be something said once the girl realizes that there's going to be no rel'p. Edited March 14, 2010 by Barky
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Many people date casually without sleeping with everyone they date. And just like men who live it up before settling down, there is no reason to think their decisions and choices are nullified simply because they they are women or that they kicked their heels up in their youth before entertaining the idea of a committed partnership. I'm not sure why you're even trying think about people and their choices in this manner. YOU are only looking for sex, so why do you care if others are looking for something different? It does nothing to achieve your aim by judging others. It would be like me thinking you're a trashy bit for sleeping with everyone when I'm not even in the dating pool anymore. Stick to folks with similar mindsets to your own and don't trouble yourself with the folks you're not qualified to date.
Author Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 My dear, my post was telling women how I (and probably a lot of other men) feel about being told something like that. My feelings aren't open for debate. Learn from my post, or don't. Doesn't matter to me either way.
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 My dear, my post was telling women how I (and probably a lot of other men) feel about being told something like that. My feelings aren't open for debate. Learn from my post, or don't. Doesn't matter to me either way. And my post was about asking (not debating) you what you get out of wasting your head space pondering the choices of people you are not qualified to date. Learn from it or don't. And if you don't like feedback, you'd probably be happier keeping it to yourself rather than posting it on a public forum.
Author Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 And my post was about asking (not debating) you what you get out of wasting your head space pondering the choices of people you are not qualified to date. Let's stay on topic. I always regret posting anything of substance on these boards. People just use it as a way to attack the OP. Weird.
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Let's stay on topic. It was on topic. Perhaps you should state in you post that you do not want feedback at all and are unclear on what your topic is?
Author Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Ok thanks for your input. Anybody else?
TouchedByViolet Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I'm a guy and as a general rule, a women talking about a promiscuous history is a turn off.
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 That WAS on topic. You posted a reply to her comment, she responded to your response. That your first post is idiotic, is beside the point..... However, I've found that a surprising number of chicks--and one just yesterday--say something along the lines of, "In the past I was having fun dating guys, but now I'm looking for something more serious." Yes... they're done with having a good time, and looking for an easy lay, or a guy who's happy to just have a physical relationship, and are now looking for a more committed relationship. What's wrong with that? This basically tells me that you were easy and you slept with a bunch of other dudes, but now you're going to make me work for it. My dear, how little you know. If she wanted to make you work for it, she'd tell you she was out for a good time, but she just wouldn't give you one.... Maybe it's a blow-off line, but in online dating if you want to blow someone off you just stop talking. Yeh. You work to that rule. We believe in more constructive communication.... The times I've heard it it has seemed to me to be a serious line, but I can't imagine what the girls are thinking when they say this. I can understand "I'm not easy." But I can't understand why you'd tell any guy, "I was easy, but now I'm not." Because once they were easy, and now they're not. Sometimes ladies don't give you material to read between the lines, because frankly, most guys who want an easy lay aren't always that bright.... they think with their dick, see? Which deprives the brain of blood and oxygen.... You see how that would be totally distasteful for a man? He can only think one of two things: that he missed the party bus, or that the girl has singled him out as being less desirable than other men. The other dudes could get into her pants no problem, but he's going to have to do a long-term relationship to get any. Your choice would be merely to say "Well thank you for being so honest with me...I'm not into a long-term relationship, so I'm not the guy for you...." How difficult is that? I mean, it's an honest statement for sure, "I used to be a slut, but now I'm not," but not something any dude really wants to hear, especially the type of long-term guy that she's (now) looking to find! So....It's ok for a guy to play the field, phukk anything that moves, and have loads of easy lays and one-night stands - but then maybe look for a committed relationship - but if a woman does it, she's a slut? I think you should review your double standards and consider that what's good for the gander, is equally good for the goose..... Unless of course, you intend to lie to any long-term planned GF, and tell her you're a virgin.....
Kamille Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 You know, I actually agree with you. What a weird thing to say to a prospective partner. I do like your honesty here though about how you go about making sure you don't waste your time with women who aren't easy. (And I'm being honest).
Author Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 What a weird thing to say to a prospective partner. Thanks, the only person yet posting in this thread who hasn't been added to my 'ignore' list for using my OP to bash me. Let's face it, if I were ready to settle down with a nice girl, I'd never tell her, "Honey, I banged half of Venice Beach but now I want to settle down with you." Who would want to hear that, man or woman, even if it is true?
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Nice to know you won't hold yourself to the same standards you place on others and intend on lying by omission to whomever you try to marry as well as get on a high horse about people who have the balls to be more honest about their intentions that you can be. What a catch you are.
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Sally, apparently we're on ignore, so we can say what we like. He won't read it anyway! It seems Barky is the archetypal "I'll talk with you, but only if you agree with me" head-in-the-sand bloke!
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Sally, apparently we're on ignore, so we can say what we like. He won't read it anyway! It seems Barky is the archetypal "I'll talk with you, but only if you agree with me" head-in-the-sand bloke! Mmm, I don't much care. I didn't think I was off topic nor did I say anything about what I thought of him or his actions in his personal life with my first post in the thread. Must be his time of the month - touchy little girl ain't he?
Kamille Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Nice to know you won't hold yourself to the same standards you place on others and intend on lying by omission to whomever you try to marry as well as get on a high horse about people who have the balls to be more honest about their intentions that you can be. What a catch you are. At the same time, I don't think there's any requirement to reveal how many partners you've had until you've actually been on a few dates with the person and even until both partners start getting serious with each other. BF and I had that talk well into our relationship. We knew each other and felt comfortable with each other by that time. Mentioning that you've had your fun but are now ready to settle down just doesn't make sense a something to put in a dating profile.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Let's face it, if I were ready to settle down with a nice girl, I'd never tell her, "Honey, I banged half of Venice Beach but now I want to settle down with you." Who would want to hear that, man or woman, even if it is true? Even if you have, huh? So you will lie to your future wife about you previously on dating women who were looking for sex? Wow. To each his own. I believe a lot of men have no idea how many sex partners their SO's have bedded. Men have never been able to handle the truth about this and most women know this. You really aren't telling women something they don't already know. I see you know this also, that is why you are willing to lie to your future wife about the type of women you really like to bang.
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 At the same time, I don't think there's any requirement to reveal how many partners you've had until you've actually been on a few dates with the person and even until both partners start getting serious with each other. BF and I had that talk well into our relationship. We knew each other and felt comfortable with each other by that time. Mentioning that you've had your fun but are now ready to settle down just doesn't make sense a something to put in a dating profile. Well, to be fair, he didn't state they put it in their dating profile. He said that it's something they say... Which would intimate that it's something he's asked them, which makes them respond honestly. I'd rather someone was honest with me about their history. Nothing worse than finding out you're with a liar, who also has an STD.... Great discovery a while down the line, to find the guy you've been with, should add a zero to his previous encounters....
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 At the same time, I don't think there's any requirement to reveal how many partners you've had until you've actually been on a few dates with the person and even until both partners start getting serious with each other. BF and I had that talk well into our relationship. We knew each other and felt comfortable with each other by that time. Mentioning that you've had your fun but are now ready to settle down just doesn't make sense a something to put in a dating profile. I make no judgment about however one handles the disclosure of their sexual history, but it is hypocritical to judge others to be unsuitable for having the same kind of history you have. And if they can be honest about it, while you cannot....well I always give more props to honesty than I do hiding information. The OP is only interested in "easy women" and that is cool so long as he dates only "easy women" and doesn't pretend to be into a relationship just to get a woman in the sack. All I asked was why he bothered caring what women he wasn't interested in dated said or did. I do disclose - not saying I just bring that kind of thing up as normal conversation or stop folks on the street and tell them the number of partners I've had . I disclose really for no other reason than to weed out guys who have the madonna/whore complex going on. I can't be bothered with trying to sooth someone like that especially with a guy who lived like a viagra fed monkey humping on anyone who glanced his way but can't deal with a woman having any kind of sexual history. If a guy wanted to live that way - more power to him. If he decides he wants to live differently because it wasn't working for him - more power to him. He may or may not be what I was looking for when I was single, but if he is wasn't, I didn't waste my time wondering why he did or said this or that because he wasn't qualified to date me.
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Even if you have, huh? So you will lie to your future wife about you previously on dating women who were looking for sex? Wow. To each his own. I believe a lot of men have no idea how many sex partners their SO's have bedded. Men have never been able to handle the truth about this and most women know this. You really aren't telling women something they don't already know. I see you know this also, that is why you are willing to lie to your future wife about the type of women you really like to bang. Now that's not a fair statement. I dated quite a few guys who were able to see that women are just other people like they are and didn't pass judgment. My husband and I met through his ex roomie whom I had casually dated a year prior to us getting together. Tho my husband isn't a guy who struggles with the concept of women being sexual people and belonging to the same species as men. SOME men are never able to handle the truth about a woman's sexual history.
Author Barky Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 At the same time, I don't think there's any requirement to reveal how many partners you've had until you've actually been on a few dates with the person and even until both partners start getting serious with each other. BF and I had that talk well into our relationship. We knew each other and felt comfortable with each other by that time. Mentioning that you've had your fun but are now ready to settle down just doesn't make sense a something to put in a dating profile. Most of them weren't saying it in a profile, though some certainly did. They were saying it in emails to me. And I personally would never reveal how many partners I'd been with, to anyone, for any reason ever. Even my doctor doesn't need to know that info. If he asks, "Are you sexually active?" I say "Yes," and that's all he needs to know. Nor would I ask a partner/wife/girlfriend about how many dudes she's been with. In fact, not long ago one woman tried to tell me and I said, "Honey, that's something that's personal to you and you alone." I've found that once people get past the age of 30, they don't really want to know or divulge numbers anyway.
Confusedguy81 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 A woman should never say, "I want your babies" immediately before having sex. Just thought Id throw my own thing in this thread:)
Kamille Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 A woman should never say, "I want your babies" immediately before having sex. Just thought Id throw my own thing in this thread:) Good to know! Will try to stop screaming that out in the heat of the moment!
Confusedguy81 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Good to know! Will try to stop screaming that out in the heat of the moment! you're welcome:)
LovelyDaze Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 A woman should never say, "I want your babies" immediately before having sex. Just thought Id throw my own thing in this thread:) LOL , Confusedguy! But there is someone for everyone. Might as well be honest and say what you want, casual sex, commitment, red hair, five eyeballs, etc. If a person says they want to have lots of babies in their profile..there's a guy out there who probably wants tons of them too. Just look at the Duggar Family...
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