transbluency Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I've been "happily" married to my wife for the past four years, and I've known her for a total of six. The reason I married her was because she possessed many of the qualities I believed would make an amazing life partner; she's cute, the funniest girl I've ever known, caring, loyal, generous, successful in her career, and loves kids. Her friends and my family think the absolute world of her. And I do love her. I've put in a lot of effort to support our relationship; I give her hugs and kisses, I give her massages after work and I sexually pleasure her (manual/oral) when she wants, I rehabilitated her when she suffered a serious injury, I do everything to maintain the household - laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, ironing, taking out the trash, cleaning - all the while working full-time and overtime. Because of the aforementioned, she thinks I'm the best husband and an amazing person.......but I'm not. The one thing missing in our relationship is sex. Sounds cliche, right? Well, there are a number of issues to address here... 1. First off, we don't have any. We've attempted a handful of times, but there are physical issues that make it difficult for her to have sex. The reason we did try was because she wanted me to be satisfied, which I appreciated, but I wasn't interested in having bad sex. So for all of these years, I've chosen to respect her sexual discomfort issues and sacrificed having sex with her. 2. Another problem is that I am not physically or sexually attracted to her. It's not to say that she's unattractive; on the contrary, she's actually a cute girl. But the attraction I've had with her was always an emotional one, which was a stark contrast to previous relationships. Most of them were extremely physical, and there was a significant amount of amazing and passionate sex had....sex that I haven't had for six years. I still think of sex with my ex's - in addition to girls I want to hook up with - to relax before I fall asleep. 3. To make up for the lack of sex and my high sex drive, I masturbate constantly behind my wife's back. I do it in the morning before I go off to work, and I will do it when she's not home or while she's asleep. One time she caught me looking at looking at some celebrity pictures and became really upset, but we eventually resolved it. I attributed it to a different set of problems - which did exist - but the truth of the matter was that I was actually just horny and was getting ready to masturbate. And as to why I'm a total and complete scumbag, I have started to have intense sexual feelings for a new girl at work. She is 20 years old, married, still in college, is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, extremely sweet and very flirtatious. I have not been able to stop thinking about her for the past two weeks and my mood has been an absolute roller coaster. I constantly think about being with her and having sex with her. Normally, I use visual stimuli - porn, pictures - for masturbation, but lately, I've only needed to fantasize about her to have wildly intense orgasms. A good friend of mine works with her and has lunch with her from time to time. He knows about my crush, and he's offered to invite me out to their lunches. I've had thoughts about having lunch with them and eventually segway into having lunch with her alone. I've already started to gradually groom myself better for work, which I never do - manually shaving, doing my hair, putting on my contacts - in an attempt to charm her with good looks. So why am I here? Partly, to bare my soul. Or perhaps someone has enlightening advice I hadn't considered. I think I know what I'm supposed to do: I should limit my contact to this girl as much as humanly possible and focus my energies on developing/improving my relationship with my wife. And yet, there is this self-destructive, mildly depressive side of me that says to pursue this girl and go f*** her silly because it'll be worth it. Even though the thousands of posts on this forum are absolute proof that it's not.
White Flower Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Is there any way possible for your wife to get help for her sexual issues? Sex is a real need for anyone not just you and this needs to be addressed. I feel for your wife but you have needs too. How does she feel about your lack of intercourse??? If I were your W I would make it my number one priority to get help for my problem or at least find a solution that would work for you including an open M (but I know I'm unusual that way). I feel for you and I am glad you found an outlet to discuss your very real problem. Try not to take the overly zealous posters too hard.
bentnotbroken Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 First, dump the jerk who claims to be a friend. Friends don't help their friend self destruct. Then get some help for whatever your hang up is. If you can't love her enough not to cheat, then divorce her and let her find someone who can.
White Flower Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 ps You are not a scumbag for having needs. I know you feel guilty for looking outside the M which is normal but you do have valid needs to be met. Hopefully it can be worked out within your M.
White Flower Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 First, dump the jerk who claims to be a friend. Friends don't help their friend self destruct. Then get some help for whatever your hang up is. If you can't love her enough not to cheat, then divorce her and let her find someone who can.This may be the only way to go. I wonder how your W would feel if she knew how bad your need for intercourse is (which is quite normal BTW).
anne1707 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Transbluency You had a similar problem a few years ago. How did you deal with it then? Did you act on your "crush" in the past? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134465/
Author transbluency Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Is there any way possible for your wife to get help for her sexual issues? Sex is a real need for anyone not just you and this needs to be addressed. I feel for your wife but you have needs too. How does she feel about your lack of intercourse??? If I were your W I would make it my number one priority to get help for my problem or at least find a solution that would work for you including an open M (but I know I'm unusual that way). I feel for you and I am glad you found an outlet to discuss your very real problem. Try not to take the overly zealous posters too hard. I don't believe there is a way for her to get help for her issues, and our attempts to have sex have all ended poorly with her having felt extreme pain and discomfort - in one case, crying. And this pretty much has turned me off to even trying. She HAS expressed that she feels that having sex is important - in the context of me being satisfied - but nothing really comes of it. There have been some "kinky" things (non-intercourse), but she is turned off by them and I don't want to pressure her to do something she genuinely doesn't like. And that's part of what is difficult to take sometimes...the fact that previous girls loved sex and craved me in that way. For years, I thought that I was honorable in making a sacrifice, but lately I've been missing it in the worst way. She does recognize that I make a sacrifice, although I don't believe she understands how huge it is. The emotions I've recently experienced are so conflicting. My wife is still an innocent and somewhat conservative woman; for me to spring something like this on her now would be devastating. I couldn't even imagine how she would react to the mention the idea of an open marriage. And for all of the passionate sex I've had before, it never resulted in a long-term relationship because the meaning and the depth wasn't there. I mean, do I really give up an amazing person just for sex? Or for the slim possibility that I could find someone like her in my lifetime? And yet, my urges have gotten almost out of control. Usually, I can masturbate and lower my sex drive considerably for awhile...but with this crush I have, my drive doesn't subside.
schewter Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 <<I have started to have intense sexual feelings for a new girl at work. She is 20 years old, married,>> Married?? Then stay the hell away from her...show a little empathy.
Author transbluency Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Transbluency You had a similar problem a few years ago. How did you deal with it then? Did you act on your "crush" in the past? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134465/ Nothing happened. I continued to crush on her, but I resisted the temptation. Around the time we graduated, she did give me a sweet gift, and it felt like kind of a goodbye gift. She was off to work at a high-stress job elsewhere, and we haven't kept in touch. What's different about this recent crush is how strong my sexual attraction to her is....
Author transbluency Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 One thing I noticed about your comment about the 20 year old. You FANTASIZE about her. That's just what it is right now. A fantasy. How do you know she's not a lousy lay? How do you know she doesn't just lay there? How's that fantasy? You wanna risk it? Yeah, your friend is a jerk for facilitating bad behavior. He definitely doesn't have your best interests at heart. I agree you should see if your wife can't get help for her issues. I also think you should tell her why: because you're no longer sexually attracted to her but you ARE attracted to someone else. My friend has become good friends with her, and I'm privy to details about her marriage that lead me to believe that 1) she didn't really marry for love and 2) her sex life isn't particularly satisfying. So yes, at this point, it's just a fantasy, but I'm confident enough in looks and charm to know that I may have a shot. And all of this, I guess, adds to my scumbagness....
jnj express Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 1st if you need to masterbate to satisfy yourself, and at least keep the mge going at this point---do so. 2nd --talk to your wife about the problem---if she can't have sex tell her that you need some sort of physical relief and the 2 of you work it out together----If you can't do that----otherwise divorce her----she sounds like a wonderful person, and to cheat on her would wreck her life---I don't think you wanna do that to someone you really do love 3rd---your friend is an A-hole--offering up this MARRIED woman to you----or did you forget she has a husband who will also be an innocent who is hurt if you start to pursue this girl. 4th---you don't really know anything about this girl and her mge.--what you know is what your A-hole friend is telling you---and he could be spinning or interpreting what he hears the wrong way 5th --In all honesty you should go to this girl and tell her not to be so friendly and open with this A-hole friend of yours, as he is trying to get her in trouble, and ruin her mge. You will BECOME a scumbag if you do not solve your problems in your own mge., which is where your time needs to be spent, and you will also be wrecking an innocent mge,. of another couple. Also you know nothing of the other husband---if you cause his wife to cheat, and he finds out---you could be in for problems yourself, if he comes looking for you. Right now you have some physical problems in/re. sex in your mge., but life is carefree and good----If you get in an A.---THAT CHANGES FOREVER---for the rest of your life there will be a black cloud above you.
thegoodlife Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 If you can't respect your own marriage, at least respect the fact she's in a marriage of her own. You only know what you hear from your "friend" and since he knows about your crush and knows about your sexless marriage of course he's going to feed you stuff about this girl and her married life that will make you feel like you have a chance or she needs you. I'm not saying that your friend is making this stuff up, by all means her marriage issues could be very true. But that's between her and her husband, just like your issues are between you and your wife. That's where it needs to start. Bringing in another person into the equation will only further confuse and mess things up. I agree with the other posters that say be honest with your wife about your needs, if there is no way to work through the issues then maybe divorce is best. For the most part, whether you are in a sexless marriage or a sex-filled marriage there will always be other people that catch your eye. This girl is not the first and she won't be the last. You've just got to do the right thing for your marriage. It's not just about you.
White Flower Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I don't believe there is a way for her to get help for her issues, and our attempts to have sex have all ended poorly with her having felt extreme pain and discomfort - in one case, crying. And this pretty much has turned me off to even trying. She HAS expressed that she feels that having sex is important - in the context of me being satisfied - but nothing really comes of it. There have been some "kinky" things (non-intercourse), but she is turned off by them and I don't want to pressure her to do something she genuinely doesn't like. And that's part of what is difficult to take sometimes...the fact that previous girls loved sex and craved me in that way. For years, I thought that I was honorable in making a sacrifice, but lately I've been missing it in the worst way. She does recognize that I make a sacrifice, although I don't believe she understands how huge it is. The emotions I've recently experienced are so conflicting. My wife is still an innocent and somewhat conservative woman; for me to spring something like this on her now would be devastating. I couldn't even imagine how she would react to the mention the idea of an open marriage. And for all of the passionate sex I've had before, it never resulted in a long-term relationship because the meaning and the depth wasn't there. I mean, do I really give up an amazing person just for sex? Or for the slim possibility that I could find someone like her in my lifetime? And yet, my urges have gotten almost out of control. Usually, I can masturbate and lower my sex drive considerably for awhile...but with this crush I have, my drive doesn't subside. I hear you loud and clear. Your wife is an amazing woman with whom you have a very strong emotional connection; yet, you can't share ALL your feelings on this subject because she is 'conservative and innocent'. You need to ask her to step up to the plate and take a swing at allowing you some freedom (either with her or outside the M openly) or tell her you need to D. If she is that amazing of a person she will understand your need and remain friends with you. If you cheat on this amazing woman you will feel like a scumbag. If I were you I would tell her I had needs that I know she can't meet and perhaps we should get a D or try an open M. She may love you just enough to allow that to happen. If not, let this amazing woman go so that you don't have to feel like a scumbag in order to get your (very real) needs met.
spriggig Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 OK, back up. Here it is: ...I do everything to maintain the household - laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, ironing, taking out the trash, cleaning - all the while working full-time and overtime. You're going TOO far. Nice guys don't crank a woman's engine. Read this: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml And then read the rest of the site.
on1wheel Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Please don't cheat. U will destry her entire world. She thinks the world of U it sounds like & she may never recover from such betrayal. I should know; my wife had an A 2+ yrs ago & not only have I never gotten over it, I know I never will. I suffer daily & it's the sole reason I am here. Desperately seeking some magic knowledge that will release me from my torment. I feel like I am dead inside most days. If U care for her @ all, just ask for a divorce. She will be crushed, but not in a way that she won't B able to get over. I wish my W had done that for me, as that is what we agreed either of us would do if we felt we had to haves sex with someone else. Do not take the selfish route & B a cake eater. No one here will respect U & I suspect U won't respect yourself...otherwise U wouldn't be seeking validation here. Afterall, advice is something you ask of others when U already know the answer, but either don't like it or are hoping for a stranger to talk U into it. Please don't do to your W what mine did to me. Be strong & good luck.
Taramere Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 (edited) 5th --In all honesty you should go to this girl and tell her not to be so friendly and open with this A-hole friend of yours, as he is trying to get her in trouble, and ruin her mge. Yes. I'm not sure I'd be quite as direct about it as that. I'd be more likely to give her a veiled warning. "Good friend" or not, he's trying to dabble harmfully in two colleagues' marriages. Who knows what, in the event of an affair coming out of it, he'd be liable to do with that information? Transbluency - you might be making a mistake regarding someone like that as a good friend you can trust. He's showing no respect for your marriage, for the girl's marriage and for your respective spouses. It really shouldn't surprise you if somewhere down the line, when you're least equipped to cope with the knowledge, you discover that he has no respect for you either. Part of me wants to suggest taking this to marriage counselling, so that there can be open discussion about these sexual problems, how you both feel about it - and what the next step should be. Then again, counselling can be a risk. Once everything is out on the table, it places pressure on both of you to make some kind of change or reach an agreement. The only changes or agreements I can envisage here would be 1. The two of you split up so that you can have a sex life without feeling guilty or deceptive about it 2. The two of you reach some kind of agreement that involves you getting sex outside of the marriage. An open marriage, except that you're the only one actually getting any. I don't know if even the healthiest, most secure of spouses would be able to cope with a situation like that long term. Love sometimes leads people to overestimate what they can deal with, emotionally, for the sake of keeping a loved one happy. 3. You carry on as you are, and just make the best of it. The alternative to that would be that you seek out another sexual partner on a more covert basis, and live that kind of half lie situation whereby your wife knows what's going on but turns a blind eye to it. There is no perfect solution. The only perfect solution would be if your wife's sexual problems were suddenly and magically cured, and you developed the kind of sexual attraction to her that (from what you're saying) was never there before. You perhaps have to accept that whatever you do here, you're going to struggle with the wisdom and ethics of it. Edited March 15, 2010 by Taramere
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I've got a friend like the one you "know" the 20-year-old through. He has slept with a number of the married women in my church and other places. He has no respect for marriage and loves to prove his own opinion that all marriages are crap and all married people cheat. Be careful with this guy. He could be like my friend (and yes, he is my friend, I ignore his antics) and if successful in getting the two of you into bed, going after your W for himself. That said, I recommend a SEX therapist for you and your W. And a maid service. Women want to be treated nicely and considerately by the men in our lives, but we don't want them to DO everything FOR us. At least, I don't like that. Maybe some housework is just the kind of exercise your W needs to further rehabilitate her from her injury AND give her sex drive some pep to push her past the pain response she experiences? I hope you don't cheat. I think you will regret it. Sex therapists do a double duty of couple therapy too, so I think it will help you AND her. If nothing else, it may keep her from being so turned off from the things she CAN do with you.
spriggig Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 ...I should know; my wife had an A 2+ yrs ago & not only have I never gotten over it, I know I never will. I suffer daily & it's the sole reason I am here. Desperately seeking some magic knowledge that will release me from my torment. This one caught my attention. On1Wheel, I read many of your past posts, but I may have missed where you confess to what you did in your relationship that contributed to your wife's infidelity. If it's "nothing" then it's nothing. But if it's "something" then admitting that to yourself and forgiving yourself may release you from some of your torment. Just a suggestion. Stay strong.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Can you give a bit more information? Is she physically disabled from having sex because of the accident from which you helped to rehabilitate her? Does she know how sexually frustrated you are? I imagine that any woman who is married and not having sex with her husband must be well aware of his probable frustration. PLEASE don't have an affair, especially now, with this person you have the hots for. How about going to a marriage counselor to sort out how your sexuality can be dealt with within your marriage, or to help you and your wife move away from the marriage if that is the answer for you? You are not a scumbag for wanting and needing to have a sexual life, but how you go about that can make you a real big one.
onedayatatyme Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 If U care for her @ all, just ask for a divorce. She will be crushed, but not in a way that she won't B able to get over. Here, here. As a husband who has recently been betrayed, DON'T DO IT. It is absolutely terrible. Cheating is the cowards way out. You will be ending the marriage but not being considerate enough to tell your W!!! BTW, OP, I don't think you're a scumbag for feeling the way you feel. In fact I empatize 100%. You've done without for 6 years! That's a heck of a long time for most people. And you came here to get answers before you fell into the trap. Good for you. Just because you're tempted doesn't make you a scumbag. I've been cut off for just a few months... trust me, I'm feeling the temptation. What defines your character is how you handle it. What decision you make. I know enough about myself to know that if a woman literally tried to seduce me right now, I might not be strong enough to resist. So the key for me is going to be avoiding putting myself in that situation at all. Recognize early when you are getting attracted to someone and distance yourself. If you feel like you can't resist, do your wife a favor and end your marriage first. I would suggest though that you do enter into some kind of sex counselling if your W is willing. Sounds like she would be. Maybe the problem can't be solved but isn't it worth a shot?
D-Lish Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 OP, I don't think you are a scumbag for having the fantasies you are having. I couldn't imagine not being able to have sex with my partner. You have needs that you've been ignoring and your wife has been ignoring. Personally I don't understand how she couldn't have empathy for your sacrifice. The solution isn't to have an affair- it's to leave the marriage. No marriage counsellor is going to be able to fix the fact that she can't have sex. You two are at an impasse with regard to a pretty important issue. Why can't you be honest with her about how you are feeling? An affair isn't the answer.
BettyBoop Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 She is 20 years old, married, still in college, is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, extremely sweet and very flirtatious. ....And yet, there is this self-destructive, mildly depressive side of me that says to pursue this girl and go f*** her silly because it'll be worth it. Am I the only one who thinks it's horrible he can be so judgemental of this married woman to think she would cheat on her husband with him just because he dresses nicely for work and considers putting the moves on her? OP, the only reason your fantasy for this woman is so intense is because in your fantasy she wants to please you and so kinky things to you. But perhaps in her own fantasy - the only person there is her husband. Just because your "friend" says her marriage is crap doesn't mean it is. Women exaggerate all the time and if I say "my boyfriend ALWAYS complains about my clothing style" he probbaly did it once or twice. Just because she is being sweet and smiley doesn't mean she flirts with any intentions but to boost her own self-esteem.. 1
2sure Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 The way you put it when you wrote about doing all of the housework, taking care of your wife all the while working full time... It sounds like you are either: A. Doing those things out of guilt because you feel bad B. Using doing those things as justification for wanting to do things you shouldnt Either way, do them or dont but you cant trade one for the other so stop that altogether. Your wife has some responsibility here as to meeting your sexual needs!! It does sound like when the two of you married, you knew sex was not going to be able to be a priority and you both accepted it. If thats the case, you have realized you can not live up to those terms, and there is nothing wrong with that. The fact that you cannot even masturbate without her being upset about it is nuts. Time to renegotiate. Life changes, needs change - renegotiating terms is part of a living and growing marriage. As to the 20 year old at work. You sound like a predator. Is that what you are? Whether she is flirty or not...what do you have to offer her? She is 20 years old , do you really feel she is experienced enough and mature enough to make a decision to bang a married man?? Do you think she will not eventually feel consequences or remorse or confusion. Who are you to decide this?? Come to terms with your own life and marriage.
her_halo_slipped Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 (edited) My friend has become good friends with her, and I'm privy to details about her marriage that lead me to believe that 1) she didn't really marry for love and 2) her sex life isn't particularly satisfying. So yes, at this point, it's just a fantasy, but I'm confident enough in looks and charm to know that I may have a shot. And all of this, I guess, adds to my scumbagness.... Pleeeaassee....stop and listen to yourself.This poor innocent unsuspecting young MARRIED woman is not a plaything you get to choose to have a shot at!! The hide and arrogance of you. Leave her alone. If the only problem you have with your marriage is a lack of sex why don't you do the more honourable thing and visit a sex worker. You get your rocks off, a sex worker earns her living, your wife goes on as normal, and an innocent unsuspecting woman is spared your good looks and charms. Win win all round don't you think? Oh and FYI...there are some women out there who want a whole lot more than looks and charm. Intelligence, honesty and integrity to name a few. And yes...by your definition and mine....you may very well be a scumbag on this issue. You sound decent in other ways. Edited March 19, 2010 by her_halo_slipped
spriggig Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 The way you put it when you wrote about doing all of the housework, taking care of your wife all the while working full time... It sounds like you are either: A. Doing those things out of guilt because you feel bad B. Using doing those things as justification for wanting to do things you shouldnt Or...he thinks "Maybe if I'm just nicer to her..." Women do this all the time, instead of speaking up about their discontent, they think the problem is that they "aren't a good enough person/wife" and they try to fix a problem that doesn't exist.
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