Hazyhead Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 (edited) ... to your xAP, if you could somehow communicate it without breaking NC? I have so many things flying around my head that I want to scream at him. I won't, of course. I just want to walk away, but they're there regardless, the things unsaid. I want to tell him that he didn't deserve me. For so many reasons. I want to say that I will move on; I will find somebody to share my life and have fun with when I'm ready. I want him to know that I wish him well. And... that I loved him and still do. There's more, but if I had to whittle them down, y'know, those are the things I would express. Anybody else? Edited March 14, 2010 by Hazyhead
Heather1 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 That was my last email to him was that I wished him well. I don't think there's anything I want to say to him. If anything, I want him to tell me he's sorry & that he wasn't just using me & I guess somehow prove to me he wasn't using me. That's not going to happen. At least I'm glad I was able to wish him well, and I told him I'd be OK. He never replied. His last message to me was basically to F-off after I told him I was hurt. I guess just the fact he got mad when I showed a feeling proves he used me huh? The best defense is an offense. There's nothing more for me to say without getting more hurt.
califnan Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 By not saying anything, he already knows he didn't deserve you - and you are going to move on .. especially if you ended the relationship on a good note .. How did you verbally end the relationship ?
Heather1 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 my verbal ending was washing him off in the shower, him getting dressed & asking if he looked OK & I told him he looked SO handsome. He never called me again, after 2 1/2 years? Geez, I'm just the walking wounded today. Hazy, how did things end?
Author Hazyhead Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 By not saying anything, he already knows he didn't deserve you - and you are going to move on .. especially if you ended the relationship on a good note .. How did you verbally end the relationship ? There was no verbal end. He's going through turmoil with his marriage and he said that he needed to sort himself out. I didn't respond. He knows how I feel from the several other times he's done this so I don't really see the point of expressing it to him again, like Heather said, it leads to hurt because it keeps the dialogue open. It wasn't necessarily a bad end, what he said was caring, and I do understand his need, but I can't myself go through it with him anymore. I'm done.
Author Hazyhead Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 my verbal ending was washing him off in the shower, him getting dressed & asking if he looked OK & I told him he looked SO handsome. He never called me again, after 2 1/2 years? Geez, I'm just the walking wounded today. Hazy, how did things end? Ooh! See above Heather, I think you've dodged a bullet. I'm sorry though.
bittersweet memories Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 (edited) delete..... Edited March 14, 2010 by bittersweet memories
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 If I had one last thing to say to my XOM it would be this: I know now that everything you said to me was a lie. The insults to injury upon ending made me realize what a coward you were rather than just being honest and if it was honesty (and it was blatant) then you are a person I should never have been friends with or trusted in the first place. My mistake was that I was vulnerable and hurt in my M and I exposed that to you. I wish you would have listened to me and had been there as my friend, who I always thought you were, rather than someone who saw this as an opportunity to get laid. I know I will never put myself in this position ever again and I thank you for giving me that clarity.
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 There was no verbal end. He's going through turmoil with his marriage and he said that he needed to sort himself out. I didn't respond. He knows how I feel from the several other times he's done this so I don't really see the point of expressing it to him again, like Heather said, it leads to hurt because it keeps the dialogue open. It wasn't necessarily a bad end, what he said was caring, and I do understand his need, but I can't myself go through it with him anymore. I'm done. This is a little off-topic, so I apologize in advance. Was there a d-day between you all? Does his W know of the affair? If she doesn't, I'd say he's doing nothing more than the affair dance. Pulling his W close to keep her off his scent, and pushing you away into neutral until the coast is clear again, because you understand his end goal (affair with you, marriage with her - there is no affair without a marriage). Sounds like he's had to do this dance often, and that you see it as hurtful, while he sees it as necessary if he is to keep seeing you. Does he know you are in NC, or did he suggest it while he tries to regulate his marriage? Either way, its a common phenomenon: the MM Affair Dance.
Author Hazyhead Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 This is a little off-topic, so I apologize in advance. Was there a d-day between you all? Does his W know of the affair? If she doesn't, I'd say he's doing nothing more than the affair dance. Pulling his W close to keep her off his scent, and pushing you away into neutral until the coast is clear again, because you understand his end goal (affair with you, marriage with her - there is no affair without a marriage). Sounds like he's had to do this dance often, and that you see it as hurtful, while he sees it as necessary if he is to keep seeing you. Does he know you are in NC, or did he suggest it while he tries to regulate his marriage? Either way, its a common phenomenon: the MM Affair Dance. I agree (love that term, by the way). I honestly don't know how he coped with the stress of that! But to answer your questions NID, yes there was a dday. He fessed up to his wife and was (and still is I think) moving out for the sake of everyone's health and sanity, but I think it was still so stressful because he was saying that it had ended a while a go, blah, blah, blah... so there were/are still secrets. You know, I miss him and what we had that was good (admittedly, there was quite some bad too!), but I feel relieved. I'm done with all that tension, stress and pain. He ended it and decided upon the NC over email (nice) and I haven't responded. Nor will I. What's the point?
Author Hazyhead Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 If I had one last thing to say to my XOM it would be this: I know now that everything you said to me was a lie. The insults to injury upon ending made me realize what a coward you were rather than just being honest and if it was honesty (and it was blatant) then you are a person I should never have been friends with or trusted in the first place. My mistake was that I was vulnerable and hurt in my M and I exposed that to you. I wish you would have listened to me and had been there as my friend, who I always thought you were, rather than someone who saw this as an opportunity to get laid. I know I will never put myself in this position ever again and I thank you for giving me that clarity. LD, I think for people in the affair situation, nice as they may be (even though I understand what you mean about your ex), they are not people that should never have been friends in the first place. I can only speak from my persepective, but this brings up another question... is 'it' there from the start? (BTW, I like the idea of being appreciative for the clarity that you will never put yourself in that situation again. I can certainly say the same.)
White Flower Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Hmm, I still talk to MM but have not said the following but might someday if our story doesn't end well. Thanks for pursuing me relentlessly only to get what you wanted knowing full well that I would never get what I wanted once you knew I fell. And you knew I would fall as that was your ultimate goal. Come to think of it, I may have said that to him but not exactly in that way.
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 LD, I think for people in the affair situation, nice as they may be (even though I understand what you mean about your ex), they are not people that should never have been friends in the first place. I can only speak from my persepective, but this brings up another question... is 'it' there from the start? (BTW, I like the idea of being appreciative for the clarity that you will never put yourself in that situation again. I can certainly say the same.) With me, no it was not there from the start. He was a co-worker and when he first started at the company (we are both no longer there not because of A though) I didn't even know his name for months until he moved into my department in which we became really good colleagues and friends. I still did not think any romantic thoughts about him. He apparently had a crush on me from the start that only grew. I somewhat sensed it but I knew he had a girlfriend. It wasn't until my M took a real turn, me becoming a BS, and I felt really bad about myself and my M and we started to talk about my M and I started to develop my own crush. We are both at fault I just wish he never asked for that first kiss. I should have said no. It sucks for everyone I guess.
Author Hazyhead Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 With me, no it was not there from the start. He was a co-worker and when he first started at the company (we are both no longer there not because of A though) I didn't even know his name for months until he moved into my department in which we became really good colleagues and friends. I still did not think any romantic thoughts about him. He apparently had a crush on me from the start that only grew. I somewhat sensed it but I knew he had a girlfriend. It wasn't until my M took a real turn, me becoming a BS, and I felt really bad about myself and my M and we started to talk about my M and I started to develop my own crush. We are both at fault I just wish he never asked for that first kiss. I should have said no. It sucks for everyone I guess. Flattery can have such a powerful effect and I believe that it's when we need it that we are most vulnerable to it. Of course, it can be wonderful but when it's loaded with such complications it's a dangerous thing. It does suck for everyone LD, but there is no point in feeling such guilt. Forgive yourself. You do deserve that. (((LD))) For me, my God, it was there from the getgo. Also dangerous!
Author Hazyhead Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Hmm, I still talk to MM but have not said the following but might someday if our story doesn't end well. Thanks for pursuing me relentlessly only to get what you wanted knowing full well that I would never get what I wanted once you knew I fell. And you knew I would fall as that was your ultimate goal. Come to think of it, I may have said that to him but not exactly in that way. WF, I think he may have fallen too, but it's him that keeps the situation complicated.
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