Meaplus3 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I guess I'm just full of odd questions today. But on a serious note, I know a couple who has a marriage where they seem to put their marriage ahead of rasing their children. I'm not saying they don't spend time with their kid's.. but it seems like the message they convey to the kids.. is "Mommy and Daddy come first". Is this healthy? What kind of message does this send? What are the long term ramifications to the children? I believe we are all bi- products of what we saw in our parents marriage while growing up. Any thoughts?? If I am in the wrong section mod's feel free to move this thread. Mea:)
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 In my marriage, putting the marriage first rather than my son is achieved with a couple simple ground rules. If my son requires some guidance or correcting, we discuss what that entails and come to an agreement prior to talking to him about the issue. This prevents us arguing about it in front of him and making him think one of us isn't on board with his instructions. If he requires some immediate correcting or one of us isn't around for the moment, and the result isn't one we both agree on we don't discuss this in front of him either. It also doesn't effect the consequence he was given. It only effects future similar consequences. This could get problematic if we were into physical punishment, but we are not. So nothing one of us gives the boy as a consequence is ever really overboard. It would be a problem though for couples who do use physical punishments. We also don't excuse ourselves from our plans or responsibilities as a couple for something the boy wants on the fly. Say we have plans to go out to dinner and he forgot to tell us he was invited to a sleep over. Tough. You should have let us know immediately so we can arranged that too. This teaches him that we are not his servants and his whims are not paramount. I don't want him growing up thinking the world revolves around him, let alone that we revolve around him. We don't use the boy as a revenge tactic on the other. I've seen couples where one will break from normal practice (say no rated R movies or soda after dinner) and let the kid do something they are normally not allowed to do just to get under the other parent's skin. I find this appalling.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 We also don't excuse ourselves from our plans or responsibilities as a couple for something the boy wants on the fly. Say we have plans to go out to dinner and he forgot to tell us he was invited to a sleep over. Tough. You should have let us know immediately so we can arranged that too. This teaches him that we are not his servants and his whims are not paramount. I don't want him growing up thinking the world revolves around him, let alone that we revolve around him. This makes sense and I agree with it. Now, the couple I know for example, well they are constantly leaving their children at home.. they are of age to stay alone.. at 12 and 15, so they can have all these date nights.The kids are not allowed to anwser the phone, have friends over and such. It's all about the two of them. I've even noticed how they sit in their yard.. and just have couple time while everyone else is taking care of their children like ME. It seems as though they are saying " I had you because it was the things to do".. but did I really want you? That is the feeling I get. This has been going on for years. They started leaving them alone when the oldest was 1o and the youngest was 7.:eek: Mea:)
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 This makes sense and I agree with it. Now, the couple I know for example, well they are constantly leaving their children at home.. they are of age to stay alone.. at 12 and 15, so they can have all these date nights.The kids are not allowed to anwser the phone, have friends over and such. It's all about the two of them. I've even noticed how they sit in their yard.. and just have couple time while everyone else is taking care of their children like ME. It seems as though they are saying " I had you because it was the things to do".. but did I really want you? That is the feeling I get. This has been going on for years. They started leaving them alone when the oldest was 1o and the youngest was 7.:eek: Mea:) Well for an example, I'll use yesterday. We had been asked by a couple we are friends with to go up to the snow mountain for their end of season slush skimming event. Leaving from 10am and not getting back till 6pm. We intended to be drinking and we don't bring the kid along when drinking is involved. He is a very responsible 12 yr old boy and it was a day trip so I wasn't opposed to leaving him at home to play games and such. BUT, one of our closest friends lost their job and my new job has kept me seriously busy. So I asked the friend to clean our house for pay. Three birds with one stone - I get a clean house, trusted supervision for the boy, and my friend makes some $. Some might cluck their tongue at our time away, but we feel adult interaction is part of keeping a good balance as a couple.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Well for an example, I'll use yesterday. We had been asked by a couple we are friends with to go up to the snow mountain for their end of season slush skimming event. Leaving from 10am and not getting back till 6pm. We intended to be drinking and we don't bring the kid along when drinking is involved. He is a very responsible 12 yr old boy and it was a day trip so I wasn't opposed to leaving him at home to play games and such. BUT, one of our closest friends lost their job and my new job has kept me seriously busy. So I asked the friend to clean our house for pay. Three birds with one stone - I get a clean house, trusted supervision for the boy, and my friend makes some $. Some might cluck their tongue at our time away, but we feel adult interaction is part of keeping a good balance as a couple. Well this sounds like a reasonable solution. But what about the people who leave their kids all the time.. just so they can have their time?? Where do the kids come in? Mea:)
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