Julia15 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I'm thinking that maybe I should get out of the relationship I've been in for 9 or 10 years. Initially, things were good. He was a widower (the marriage was 26 years) with grown kids; 1 still at home. I was a long divorced (18 years) mother of one almost grown child just graduating high school. We always had fun, never tired of each others' company, and never really fought. Disagreed, sure, but never fought. We spent a lot of time together but kept our homes; never considered living together. Having renewed a friendship with an old school chum, I'm beginning to think I've been taken advantage of for far too long. When she and I talked, she was shocked that I went along with what I'd been going along with. This man has money (I'm not sure how much, but it's a lot), and he's very cheap. I always get him nice gifts for significant occasions, putting thought into the purchases. He'll ask me what I want (even after I've dropped hints), and I'll tell him to surprise me, and I pretty much get an insignificant trinket or nothing. More often than not, nothing. Way more often. We've never gone on a vacation, although when pursuing one of his (expensive) hobbies, we have slept in the car overnight in a well-lit parking lot. I'm usually along because I do all the driving. When I ask what he's saving his money for, the answer is always "For his kids." His kids all have money of their own from the same goldmine that their father tied into, they all have college educations, and three of them are over 35. My friend was rather incredulous that I was getting so little out of this relationship yet putting so much into it. When this guys needed open-heart surgery, none of his kids showed up because "they didn't like hospitals". When he had to have in-home care post-surgery or go into a nursing/rehab center, none of his kids volunteered to stay with him, although two were living on their inheritances at the time (they take these sabbaticals from the real world) and didn't have jobs they'd miss. In five days one kid visited the hospital once, although all but one live within a half-hour's distance. And on major holidays, when the kids come over, my job is to clean the place up and disappear. Whenever his deceased wife's relatives drop by, I have to scurry unseen out the back door. My friend thinks I'm crazy, and I'm thinking she might be right. This guy's got great insurance; I have no insurance. I do all the work around here (shopping - at my expense, of course, cooking, laundry) and when I ask for the slightest little thing, I get this eyeroll. I spend $100 a week on groceries, but if I ask for two dollars at a garage sale because I left my purse in the car, BIG embarrassing eyeroll. I'm beginning to think that I need to find someone to take care of who'd be willing to look out for me. I still look good (for my age), and have never lacked for male companionship when I went looking for it. I'm wanting to relocate further south, and while initially my guy was part of the game plan, I'm not so sure now. If I lived in his house and something happened to him, I'd be homeless. If we bought something together, I'd have to come up with money for a buyout overnight, once the will was read. I'd probably end up buying something, and he'd live there for free. The subject of marriage has never been broached, other than him saying he'd never marry again. I guess his first marriage was idyllic. I don't know if I'd ever get married again (my marriage was far from idyllic), but I'm starting to think that at least the gesture of some form of commitment should be forthcoming after all this time. I don't want it to seem like my renewed friendship influenced these thoughts. It didn't, but it did start me thinking about how free-form and one-sided in terms of effort and rewards that my relationship is. Does anyone have any thoughts on this conundrum? Am I being a jerk? Sorry this is so long, but cripes sake, it's been going on for a long time! Some of this is venting, but none of it is exagerrated. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Author Julia15 Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Yes, more early on than lately. He avoids conflict, so I don't really get anywhere. I actually got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" once, but now he denies it. Probably embarrassed he used something so mundane. I was so blind-sided by that one that I actually wrote it in a dayplanner, so when he denies it, I tell him I can get the exact date if he wants. I prefer to surface conflict and resolve it, but he's one of those people who blame a lot of their current behavior on childhood trauma, and he doesn't like arguing because his dad was an alcoholic and his parents argued. Gee, and my dad was an alcoholic for the first part of my childhood and my parents argued practically non-stop whether my dad was drinking or not, but I figure that if my parents didn't shake me to death or molest me and kept me nourished and eager to learn, I'm thankful beyond words. That was then; this is now. I grew up, and lived the life I wanted. I've walked away from this relationship and dated others a few times earlier on, as did he, but we've got such a history now that our lives cause us to reconnect for one reason or another, and after a short while, things are back to 'the usual'. I haven't discussed that I'm going to start looking for a house alone where I hope to retire to; that's a recent thought, and I'm not done thinking about it.
sativo Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 From what you're describing, it seems to me that the relationship is out of balance. He's clearly not giving you as much as you're giving him. The fact that he manipulates you to avoid discussing the issue, is just more evidence of the same. The question is... are you able to live with the imbalance or not? Some people are, others (myself included) are not. The decision ultimately comes down to: If you stay, you know what you're in for. So can you tolerate that pain? If you leave, you have a chance to find something better, but if you don't find it, can you tolerate the pain of being alone? My 2 cents on this would only be: avoid the mistake of making empty threats. it's like a job... if you plan to demand a raise "or else", you better be ready to follow through on the "or else".
Author Julia15 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Sativa, Thanks for your input. I will agree that the relationship is out of balance; most relationships are. I guess my conclusion is that, for a long time, it was ok. Now the imbalance is so blatant, I think there's no need to put up with it any longer. A birthday came and went with no acknowledgement. I even bought a card for him to fill out to me to make a point, and it sits blank a week later. While I'm not going to call it quits all at once, I feel no obligation long term, and will be open to new opportunities. Frankly, when one comes along, both he and I will probably both be relieved. I don't think he wants the responsibility of a person relying on him beyond a "Help, I've locked my keys in my car" type thing. But just putting it into words and hearing from an anonymous third-party really helped with perspective. Thanks!
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