To all the OW's out there from a former OW--> 1 year of NC after a 4.5 year Affair.

[KismetGirl]

So....if I can do it, so can you. This is long, as most of my rambling posts tend to be, but if you need a little inspiration hopefully this helps a little.

 

Just consider that...if you are here asking for help and advice, it's probably because you aren't happy in your relationship with MM. Happy people don't post questions on the Other Woman forum...they give advice, but if you were happy with where you were, you wouldn't be asking for advice or needing encouragement. Most people come here hoping someone will give them some hope....tell them "sure, just hold on to your affair...true love will eventually work in your favour". It won't. And if it will, you certainly don't need to be staying in the relationship to find out. If he wants you, he'll leave his bloody wife. And if he doesn't, does it matter why? I used to say "well, he's just with her because of the kids, etc etc". The reason doesn't matter...whether they stay married because of the kids, the house, or because the really do love their wives, the end result is the same-- they are not in a real relationship with you, and no amount of trying to convince them will work. I mean, why do you need to CONVINCE someone to be with you? Shouldn't they just want to do that on their own?

 

If you peruse my old threads, and there are alot of them so I don't blame you if you haven't got hours upon hours to read them ;-), you will see that I was absolutely, head-over-heels, never-thought-I-would-find-another-man like MM...I was totally in love with MM. I had an affair with him on and off (mostly ON) for nearly 5 years. FIVE YEARS. I was just out of college when I met him, and I'm closing in on 30 years old at this point, and I only broke it off with him last year.

 

I have not seen him in person since last April (2009).

 

I've spoken on the phone with him...what...maybe 3 times, tops, since last April, and all three times it was to discuss work stuff, job stuff I was helping someone with, etc. The last time we spoke a month ago or so, he was friendly, asking me about things, even joking and sort of flirting with me like he used to, and I was *thisclose* to caving in again and going to see him like I did SO many times in the past when I tried to break it off. I know if I see him in person it would all start up again. That's how its been for years....in person, we are incapable of resisting each other. And I've been tempted....Ive gone out with a few guys since last April, and they all turned out to be shmucks. I desperately have tried to find a "replacement" for MM these last few years, without realizing that no one will ever replace him, but that the point was never to find someone to replace him. The point was to realize that as much as I loved him, sometimes love is not enough, and that one day I deserved to find someone to love where it would be....effortless. No hiding, no sneaking, no begging and trying to rationalize.

 

But this time I haven't done it. I haven't caved in and seen him. Over the last year, I've gone from obsessively thinking about him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Upon waking, upon sleeping....but now? Maybe I think about him once a week. Maybe twice, in passing. Maybe even less. I think about how I probably will always love him, but nowadays I'm not quite so convinced that I'll never love anyone else again. I feel the need to lament on occasion over "what could have been", but I think we all have that one person from our past that was never going to work, but that we'll always think about now and again when we're having a lonely moment.

 

Don't get me wrong-- I think if I had met him and we were both single it would have been perfect, really. I think that's what always upset me so much....aside from him being married, he seemed a perfect match for me in every bloody way. Sexual chemistry, intellectual chemistry, friendly chemistry....we got along in every way imaginable. Even my friends and family loved him, even though they wanted to hate him knowing he was married....when they met him in person a few times, they couldn't help but say how charming and funny and easy to get along with he was.

 

For all those OW's out there, I know how you feel. You focus on the "good" parts. How good he makes you feel. Trust me, I've been there...it's so easy to overlook the misery when you get those moments of euphoria. I work with patients in a hospital that are drug addicts, I've seen every addiction known to man, and this addiction I had to this man was no different. No matter how miserable and bad for me it was, I went back and back and back because of how good it felt to be there with him in the moment.

 

And I know that's what is keeping all you OW's in your affairs. The good feelings coupled with the incessant HOPE (conscious or subconscious) that one day, maybe, if you hold out long enough he will realize how great you two are together and will come be with you. Am I right? I think I am. But consider these points, for a moment....I did love him, very much. I loved that he thought I was beautiful and sexy and smart and funny and how he made my blood boil at the thought of him. He might have even loved me very much. BUT:

 

 

I did NOT love how I felt after making love to him for three hours straight,but that afterwards he would have to go home to his wife and kids and I would be left alone at home.

 

I did not love that he couldn't just come and spend the night whenever I wanted.

 

I did not love that, if I wanted to call him on a saturday afternoon, I couldn't, just in case his wife was around.

 

I did not love how he could never be with me on holidays, or vacations, or birthdays, or important weekends, or when I needed him most because he had no excuse to tell his wife on why he wasn't home that night.

 

I did not love that when all my friends could bring their boyfriends as dates to weddings, to birthday parties, to other events, that I always came alone, because the one man who was keeping me from having a real boyfriend (not by telling me I couldn't date others...I just couldn't fall for someone else when I was so mentally/emtoinally involved with him) was home with his family.

 

I did not love knowing that he still f**ked his wife, also knowing that I had no right to tell him not to. She had more right to shag him than I did. I was second in command.

 

I did not love watching everyone around me congratulate him when his wife got pregnant TWICE in the duration of our affair. I did not love watching him walk around showing people sonogram photos of their unborn children, or seeing photos of him and his family together, looking so happy while I sat alone, again. So his wife didn't like sex when pregnant for whatever reason....18 months of no sex for those two pregnancies? Nope, he had me. And I did plenty of things his wife did not do. I genuinly enjoy those things, I didn't do them just for him, but oh lucky him that he got to experiment so much even though his wife wasn't into that.

 

I did not love finding out that my sex life with MM was a basis for improving his sex life at home. And let me tell you right now....unless your MM completely finds his wife a hideous, horrific human being (which is NOT normally the case in men that cheat), he IS still f**king her when you are not around, I guarantee it. Most men that cheat on their wives, assuming she is not abusive and physically horrible (which is usually not the case) purely because they are missing a bit of a spark at home, or feel they aren't getting enough attention at home, but would LIKE to have a better relationship with thier wife rather than cheat, if they could, they just don't know how to go about it. Most MM's are horrible communicators, which is , in my opinion, the number one reason people cheat....they can't verbalize to their spouse what they are unhappy with, and the spouse often doesn't bother to probe. I was f**king this man 3 times a day during the week, and his wife picked up the slack on the weekends. The more sex a man gets, the more he wants. And if you think their wives don't notice something is up, you are dead wrong. i am fairly convinced that his wife increased their sex life BECAUSE she knew he was screwing around and this was her way of trying to get him to not stray. Little did me and her both know, it made no difference how much or how well either of us f**ked him. He once made a passing joke that he was the luckiest guy alive, and he didn't know why I let him get away with having two women. Me neither, to be honest.

 

I could tell you many things I did not love about my affair, and in the end, none of the stress is worth a relationship that ultimately will never lead anywhere.

 

It is a rare, rare case that a MM leaves his wife and actually ends up staying with his OW for the better. In all my time on this website, and talking to people in real life, the only cases in which a MM/OW relationship worked out was one in which the ex-wife of the MM was someone who either was abusive (verbally, physically, emotionally), or with whom the physical attraction was irreparably damaged, or perhaps in cases where there are no children involved. Let me tell you right now...if there are kids involved, and he's actually a caring father, he ain't leaving his wife. Or, rarely, in cases in which the wife found out about the affair and ended the marriage herself, and being alone, the MM clung to the OW for lack of anyone else. But even in those last cases, the stress of divorce, part-time fatherhood, etc tend to make any relationship with the OW strained and break.

 

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but those exceptions are rare, and if you think it is worth it to be miserable for a long time just to see if you MIGHT be one of that minority, that is a poor decision. When things are meant to be....they will be, and it doesnt' require your misery to happen.

 

I don't know what else to say to convince anyone that reads this that affairs aren't worth it.

 

It was a learning experience, and one that changed me forever. Over the last year I've changed alot in many ways...become more skeptical and cynical of relationships in some ways, but being more hesitant isn't always a bad thing.

 

I will always miss him, and I still don't trust myself around him to this day. if he was standing in front of me, I'd probably still want to jump on him and kiss him. But after 5 years I'm able for the first time to keep myself from standing in front of him again, even though his car is parked a block from my house at his office every week.

 

Everytime some d**k guy I went out with treated me badly I would think about MM again and wonder if I should have just continued the affair...at least I know what i was getting there, right? Yeah...I was getting not very much, and settling for that. It messed me up mentally so much that I nearly sacrificed my future career in medicine because I would constantly miss work just to be with him, wouldn't study, you name it.

 

But things change, eventually, if you let it. The mental hold your MM has on you WILL prevent you from finding someone that might be better for you, because you won't notice anyone new if they sat on your face.

 

A month ago I met someone new though. Tall, cute, physically kinda reminded me of MM in some ways. Has that same sort of sarcastic, distant sense of humour as MM. But he's single. SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE!!!! We've only gone out a few times, but it already has more promise than 5 years of my affair with MM had. This new guy is also a doctor, also thinks I'm beautiful, and while I'm taking things slow with him (no sex yet...and trust me, I really want it, I just can't yet for some reason), I have to say, I really like kissing him, and for me to say that is alot because I hadn't felt that way about anyone but MM in a long , long time.

 

This new guy was actually over my house tonight and it was this bizarre and strange feeling to have this new guy laying on the sofa with me, holding hands, kissing and cuddling and watching a movie. And it was nice. I don't know if it will go anywhere.....too early to tell by far, but it reminds me that I AM a smart, sexy, fun girl that other men like, and that I am able to like some of them back.

 

The future is unclear, but finally, perhaps, I am not so unequivocably being strangled by my past anymore....and that sense of relief is one I can't put into words.

 

By staying in your affairs, you are slowy drowning. Your MM, he lets you up for air just as you think you can't hold your breath any longer, and then plunges you under again.

 

There are two choices, ladies (or OM gentlemen). Sink or Swim FAR far away.

 

Good luck, all. If anyone wants to talk more privately, feel free to PM me and I'll try to respond :-) cheers

[Hazyhead]

You know, I don't often read the longer posts (lazy) but I remembered your name from when I first started browsing the forums here. I'm at the end, once and for all, with my xMM. I know that gets said a lot, and people fall back in (I've been one myself), but this really is it for me. And I'm already at peace with it, as much as it hurts, because I was so, so ready for the pain to end and when it did... I felt like a weight had been lifted. I'm under no illusions that it's all going to be laughter and good times, but I'm ready for the work. Reading your post, Kismet, has come at a really good time for me and for that, I thank you. I appreciate your honesty and admire your strength; it is inspirational. Congratulations on your year of NC I will (I edited that to change it from 'hope to') be there in one year's time!

Edited March 14, 2010 by Hazyhead

[mybrowneyedgirl]

such a great post. i think its where most of us hope to eventually be when it all settles. every word is so true. its letting your heart follow you head until you get to that point. thank you for sharing.

[wheelwright]

I enjoyed the long read and am glad you are so obviously back on your feet.

 

What would happen to the OW/OM forum if this happened to all of us over night? I hope any in pain here take inspiration from your experience.

[califnan]

So....if I can do it, so can you. This is long,

 

A month ago I met someone new though. Tall, cute, physically kinda reminded me of MM in some ways. Has that same sort of sarcastic, distant sense of humour as MM. But he's single. SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE!!!! We've only gone out a few times, but it already has more promise than 5 years of my affair with MM had. This new guy is also a doctor, also thinks I'm beautiful, and while I'm taking things slow with him (no sex yet...and trust me, I really want it, I just can't yet for some reason), I have to say, I really like kissing him, and for me to say that is alot because I hadn't felt that way about anyone but MM in a long , long time.

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HALLELUJAH!

 

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[Just a stone's throw]

Thank you for posting this. I'm sure it was intense to write it. It puts a lot of things in perspective for me. Good luck with the new guy. I hope it is everything that you're looking for and need.

[fooled once]

Kismet, your story was one of the first ones I read when I started hanging out at LS. When the A ended, my heart hurt for you because you were so tortured, so convinced life had no meaning left in it.

 

Glad to see the healing has really begun and a new chapter is starting in your life. I would venture to bet, in time, he will be not much more than a memory and you won't miss him forever.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[NoIDidn't]

Kismet,

 

Thanks for coming back and updating the board on your progress since the affair ended. I'm glad you met a new guy, but sad that you are comparing him to the A. I understand though. Its a phase we go through and eventually move beyond in new Rs after such significantly troubling/difficult ones.

 

Its funny how your old threads, so full of angst, drew so many posters to them. But this one, with your clarity and not being in the A anymore, has had more "views" than "replies". I'm sure this one will eventually catch up, though. You posted over the weekend.

 

Glad to see/hear you are doing well. I can really appreciate your honesty about what would happen if you saw him face-to-face. As much as I have concluded that my ex was bad for me, I couldn't handle face-to-face with him without all the feelings and desires coming back as well.

 

Here's to avoiding our Exes..

[donnamaybe]

Ahhh, so nice to see a woman take her life back! Good for you!!!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

By staying in your affairs, you are slowy drowning. Your MM, he lets you up for air just as you think you can't hold your breath any longer, and then plunges you under again.

 

Hi Kismet Girl,

 

Thank you so much for your post. I'm on the low part of the roller coaster right now of my affair. You may or may not remember that we PM'd a couple times; your thoughts really resonated with me. But unfortunately not enough. Clearly. March 13 marked the one-year "anniversary" of meeting my MM. I have not ended it and have not even contemplated ending it for a while now. Needless to say, my dating life is filled with men I find painfully uninteresting compared to MM.

 

I printed out your post and will reread it again. I've bought books to try to give me the strength to end it. I don't know how I will be able to go on without him, but the quote I include above really resonated it. That's exactly how I feel. Just as I reach the brink, he pushes me back into him.

 

I am so glad you've had the strength to keep NC. I want it. I just can't imagine my life without him.... And in fact as I was reading your message MM sent me a text. He has no idea how much this is tearing me apart. Last night we talked for two hours and he talked a lot about his marriage, the early years (almost 10 years now, for his marriage). And it just kills me.

 

Again, thanks for your note. It means so much to read it.

[awkward]

Wow KG you have come a long way. Congrats! Most of my posts were in your threads, and I really felt for you. I am glad to see that you didn't let it mess up your professional life.

[White Flower]

Kismetgirl it's been a long time. I'm happy that you're in a good place and your date last night sounds wonderful. I am glad that you can now see yourself happy with someone new.

 

You're on your way!

[my story]

I am glad I read your post. Just ended the affair last night and I am in so much pain that I don't know what I can do, Knowing you can be happy again gives me hope. Wish you all the best!

[KismetGirl]

Hey guys

 

Sorry for the lack of response, Ive been terrible with getting on this lately....so busy! I guess that's both a good and bad thing? :-)

 

Not sure I can respond to everyone individually....but yes, to everyone out there who is getting just a little bit of help or inspirating reading my post, trust me there is hope.

 

It hurts so, so bad in the beginning it's like your heart and soul are being ripped out of your body. I mean, sometimes I still get those longing moments, and get a little depressed, but its' no where near as bad as it was a year ago when I last saw him and we broke it off for the last time.

 

I spoke to him the other night (via email) about a work thing, and even just seeing his name in my inbox made my heart skip a beat for a second, and I couldn't help myself but go look at some photos of him and start having some reminiscint thoughts....but those passed. I think, perhaps, I will always have fond thoughts, and always be tempted to see him, but again...after five years, this is the first time I haven't physically followed up on those feelings.

 

The very fact that , despite the fact that I occasionally send him a text message at random times (hey, even I am not immune to the occasional "drunk text"), and he still hasn't said "look, you can't text me at 10 pm at night, my wife will notice" makes me know that, should I go see him in person again, he'd probably give in and we'd start the affair up again. I know him, and I know if he really, really didn't care for me anymore he'd tell me to stop talking to him altogether, but he doesn't.

 

but then I have to stop and think....stop thinking of the 'good times' and remember the misery. The moments crying in my bed over this affair, the horrid pain of always knowing i was second best in his life to his family. Those moments let me remember that no matter what, no matter what excuses i gave myself of "oh we would be perfect together" (and we might have been), does it even matter if he's still married? Coulda, woulda, shoulda....isn't.

 

Anyway, I have to drive to Canada in like 6 hours so I'll leave this short for now but just wanted to let everyone know I am unduly grateful for all the support I received here over the course of my postings, and that I hope all of you who are ending affairs, or thinking about ending them, realize that the immediate pain of ending the affair should not deter you from living a happier life in the future. You deserve better, and no amount of wonderful stolen moments will make up for all the time spent wondering why he's married to someone else.

 

Think of it this way....if he decides to leave his wife in 5 years and you still

happen to be single, great, maybe you can get together finally. If you aren't single and you're happy with who you are with....does it matter if he finally decided to come around? Either way, in the long run, you win if you end it now. Either one day he comes to you and you're available, or one day he comes to you and you don't give a crap anymore, or, more likely, he will never leave his wife and you'll be better off not waiting 5 years or more to find that out.

 

However, should you sit here waiting around and he doesn't leave the wife, which they really almost never do for whatever reason, you've wasted years for nothing.

 

As hard as it seems, there's really only one logical choice and that is to end it and move on with your life. You'll feel like the world is crashing down on you, like it's the worst withdrawal of your life, but in the end you will feel so , so much better I promise....Sometimes I wish i didn't waste almost 5 years of my life, even if it was on and off, but it is what it is. You don't need 5 years or more to figure it out, trust me.

 

Good luck all....

[Getting_stronger]

I LOVE LS!!!!!!!!! God its so inspirational.

 

KismetGirl you are so right. A few happy wonderful moments compared to many many hours of longing, sadness, jealousy, questions, misery. Hardly a good trade at all!!

[DramaQueen]

KismetGirl, thanks, that was such an inspirational post. Tears welled up in my eyes because everything you wrote about what you didnt love about the affair was applicable to me the same way and I still love this MM as much as you did yours.

 

It's been 4 years now and i am still nowhere, just crying, hoping and waiting but deep down in me, i know it will not lead to anywhere. I am so happy for you now and i pray to God that one day, I will have the strength to end it all and be like you. i will keep reading your post to remind me again and again that i need to end it quick.