the worst pain i ever felt

[Tears_Forever]

when i was 17, on jan 1 2008 i met this guy at my neighbors house. he seemed like a major flirt at first but we didnt talk that whole month, i would just see him from time to time at my neighbors house and we'd say hi.

then in february we switched screen names on AIM and we'd talk a lot. he used to flirt like crazy and i thought it was odd cuz he didnt even know me that well to say he likes me.

he spent all of february trying to kiss me when i saw him at my neighbors house but since i never had my first kiss or ever had a bf, i would be too shy and lose my chance.

then in march we started meeting up by the subway and walking home together, we live 3 blocks away from each other. we used to hold hands sometimes and yeah we finally started kissing. his feelings for me got stronger. i could tell cuz he would always ask me to hang out in a few days and we talked more and more online. on my birthday in march he got me a real silver necklace that im wearing right now. he used to draw me pictures and write me cute emails and stuff through out the day.

then in april we were going strong, we got a lot closer and things were getting comfortable but at the end of april i ran off with no explanation.

i didnt give him a reason, i just left. i know you all hate people like that but i cant believe i was THAT person. i left him shattered and i didnt even realize he liked me that much. i thought it was just whatever.

literally we were hanging out and i said to just get away, i cant do this. i cant i cant i cant i need my space, i need to be alone right now.

he spent days trying to get in touch with me and id just ignore it without even realizing the value of it. well he got a new girl in 2 days so whatever, i moved on with my life without ever thinking twice about him. i became really close with this new guy friend i had a crush on so i guess thats why i didnt think of my ex.

well that was in april.. then may, june, and july went by. we had no contact. i saw him walking down my block in june though with his new girl. me and him talked for a few mins but like i felt NOTHING. i didnt even think about the past, i asked how his grades were in school and stuff and then that's it lol. it was so weird... and then we went our seperate ways.

then in mid-august i was at my friends house who also knows him, and she convinced me to call him and meet up with him at 1am.

idk why but i did.. and when i saw him that night all my feelings for him came back so strong.

like literally i fell in love at that moment. he asked for a hug and i said no, cuz he had a gf and i knew he wanted more than a hug.

after that night we started talking more.. he broke up with his girl within days and kept trying to get with me. we never made it official before..

in september me and him got super duper close...

in october things were going extremely good. he became my bset friend and id talk to him until sunriise, we'd see each other every day. it was like an unhealthy obsession now that i think about it.

in november we started arguing for the first time... he used to hang out with his exes still so we argued about that until he cut them out of his life.

in decemeber he started slipping away from me, he started distancing himself and its really obvious that he was.

in january i realized he distanced himself so much that our relationship just gradually faded away. at my job one of my co-workers liked me and he would always wanna mess around with me but i wanted to stay loyal to my "bf" even though it wasnt official but he did spend an entire year asking me out. i think i said yeah in november 2008 but we say our official date is january 2008 which is the first time we saw each other.

well anyways one night in january i decided to hold hands with my co-worker which is really stupid of me but in my defense my bf did distance himself from me in a very obvious manner.

then in january we were talking and i said i want to break up and he didnt let me. he would never let me break up with him. he basically forced us together even though i always wanted SOME space to breathe. this time i normally told him that please let's just have some breathing space and we'll take it from there. well we talked and stuff and he goes "i hope u know i was gonna cheat on u but then i didnt". i was like what the hell? and guess what, turns out he did cheat on me. with about 12 girls..

mostly exes, he has (and still does) have a bunch of girls on stand by so when he sees them at school and stuff they mess around), and the best part is that the one he cheated on me with in jan 2009 was my best friend from child hood. they're neighbors. she didnt know about us cuz i didnt want ppl in our neighborhood to know so i cant really blame her but i did introduce them a few weeks earlier.

literally my whole world shattered when he admitted to cheating on me with so many girls...

i cried so much for the first time over a guy..

and then i said it's over.

since hes a player, he convinced me to get back with him. he got on his knees and begged he would never ever cheat on me ever again and that its not worth it to lose me or to hurt me.

after 3 hours of begging i got back with him.

he did everything in his power to keep me happy. he'd always talk to me, listen to me most of all, surprise me all the time, he always made every day worthwhile.. he'd do so much for me.. he'd pick me up fro mschool and work and buy me lunch. he would buy me things to make me happy and he'd always make me feel like the most special girl in the world. he was my best friend and the love of my life.

things were going really really smoothly from feb 2009 to july 2009.

we started arguing that summer, a LOT cuz i suspected him of cheating on me. i had a hunch so i went with it. i told him i had all the facts, even though i didnt...

well after 8 hours of me cursing at him and his family for raising him that way (its true, his mom encourages him to cheat and his brother covers for him and his dad is just like him which is why he ran out of the family the second another woman came along), well he finally admitted that he cheated on me again after jan 2009..

not with 1 girl, not with.. not with 3... but with about 8 girls...

i cried so much cuz he actually had a whole nother girlfriend that summer that he hid from me.. and when his summer class ended he lost touch with her.i couldnt believe it, i was so stupid..

and its weird cuz that particular summer we were the closest we had ever been.

i thought he was mine, all mine. i did so much for him, i gave him my world. he was the first guy i gave my heart to. we used to stay up all night talking and texting.. we'd video message and hang out in the summer and go to times square and walk around and go shopping together and be all cute together. he was my world...

and when he told me he cheated, he told me "the only reason u dont cheat on me is cuz u cant get a guy for ur life".

i was so crushed by this cuz at this point i was at a new job and another one of my co-workers alwyas wanted to mess around in the locker room, no strings attached and i said no alll summer. and he used to talk **** about my bf cuz he used to see my bf during our lunch breaks.

well anyways, after my bf told me i cant get a guy for my life, i said okay. i went to work after my lunch break and i blew my co-worker in the locker room.

yes i regret it, im not proud of my decision..

but like at this point me and my bf were so into the relationship that we lost most of our friends and all we did was spend all our time on each other. we had no time to live seperate lives or even talk to other people.

things that summer wre bad.. we used to go through each other's email accounts and phone history cuz we couldnt trust each other.

he wasnt allowed to tal kto girls and god forbid i talked to a guy.

a week after i blew my coworker, (i was 19 at this point), i told my bf that i did it and i only did it to teach him a lesson that i can play this cheating game better than he can.

he asked for space from me, he cried to my neighbor cuz they are best friends.

after a few dyas, he got back with me.

then in september 2009 we were super close agian...

in october 2009 i found out he had a girlfriend on the side.. he used to talk so much **** about me to her.. telling her lies about me every day, saying i harass him and stuff which wasnt true cuz he was the one that didnt let me out of the relationship.

when i found out abotu the girl, i ran into her one time and my bf got all close with her in front of me and i cried soo much it was humiliating. i cried so much out of jealousy nad anger nad disrespect and rage that she came to me and hugged me. when my bf saw that he cut her out of his life and got back with me. during the month he had her on the side, he used to hurt me physically sometimes.. like grabbing me aggressively nad shouting at me in crowded subways calling me a slut even though i never slept with anyone, including him...

well i didnt know this was wrong cuz i pushed all my friends out of my life monts and months ago.. so whatever he said or did, i accepted it.

after october he left her and stayed with me.. made all these promises..

in november we argued sooo much about the past 2 years. just yelling and cursing every single day.

in decmeber he straight up told me hes pursuing another girl and i need to back out of his life. i cried.

i begged and i begged cuz by this time my mind was obsessed with him even through everything he put me through... all the **** i forgave him for, he had the nerve to tell me to back out of his life cuz he might get with this new girl.

he tried t oget with her, tried winning her over, but sucks for ihm cuz she left his life in a heartbeat and like an idiot he came back to me saying he's sorry and he wants me back.

so on chrismas 2009 he siad let's start new and we'll start fresh and he asked me out and i said yeah.

so in january 2010 he broke up with me without telling me when...

he was pursuing yet a new girl and this time it worked out for them and they are still together.

im glad she's really ugly though, she's like really manly and brolic and idk why he downgraded from me to her.when we broke up in person, we both cried a lot but then he said **** it he wants to stay with me.

we tried agian, he said let's be friends but we'll stay loyal and commited to each other and we wont pursuse other people.

i agreed. we cut back on kissing and stuff and we were literally best friends.

i found out from friends that he made it official with his new girl and that all he does now is smoke weed to impress her and stuff.

it sucks cuz 2 years ago when i got with him, he stopped all his bad habits. he stopped cursing, he dropped the tough guy act, he stopped beating the **** out of ppl who looked at him the wrong way, he stopped drnking nad smoking just to keep me happy.

the last time i saw him was on jan 17. we met up for lunch when i thought we were just friends. we argued that day cuz he kept supporting weed. we argued like a couple, but i dnt think itd be the last time i see him so i figured we;ll be better off the next time we go out for lunch.

well i didnt see him again afte rthat.

on feb 1 2010 he IMed me by accident thinking i was his guy friend, and he told me how he made out with his new girl.

i cried so much that day, i cried and i cried and i told him how could he do this to me, he prmisd to stay loyal and he told me before she was just a frined and i trusted him.

well i guess i was really dumb for trusting him, i cried like every in nov 09, dec 09, jan 2010..

so that day on feb 1 when he IMed me by accident, i said "imsorry i cant do this anymore" he said "im sorry too" and i blocked him.

i deleted him on fb but i still go to his profile. he writes about how he's high and stuff and he changed his status to "in a relationship".

i just finished crying my eyes out...

i randomly cry for ihm from time to time.

i see his friends around, ivve seen his mom around a few times this week..

its just a matter of time before i run into him outside. i dont know how ill react.. i dont know how to deal with this.

i lost my best friend, i lost my first love.

 

the good thing is that through out february, i cried less for him. i gained back all of my friends.. i can finally focus on school. i stopped lying nad hiding my life from my family (they didnt know about us for the whole 2 years).. and i can finally be my own person.

i still wear the necklace he gave me.. i have everything he ever gave me since we met... its hard to let go.

i dont plan on getting a bf for a few years cuz i just wnana be independent and im tired of hiding my life from my parents.

i dont question why we broke up, it was so obvious we had serious trust issues for allthe right reasons..

i counted and he cheated on me with 20 girls.. half of them he cheated on me with over and over and over again...

he also used to lie to me A LLOT about who he was with.. and i would always find out by seeing either a pic on myspace or reading his text or finding out from his friends. it wsa usually no where bad but like he would still lie to me about it just so i wouldnt yell at him for skipping school and stuff.

idk, all my friends are glad im back to normal. people are so happy im out of the relationship.. no one wanted us to be togehter anymore cuz we were always yelling and fighting or crying and cursing...

its like i feel so independent, like a new person now but why do i still cry about it? i dont know how i feel.

through out feb, i felt hate for him. genuine hate for using me, for wassting 2 years of my life... for lying to me and decieving me.

i know his feelings for me were real but he had a cheating problem and he was a little agressive the past few months.

i know he loved me cuz he'd put our problems aside hwen i needed him the most at any time of day.

its so hard to understand why he did all that. from a guys point of view, why did he cheat that much?

ya i was with him for 2 years but i never had sex with him. he always told me he nderstands that its aginst my religion (im muslim and he was christian).. and we both knew we wuldnt ever get married in the future cuz of religiion so thats hwy i never slept with him..

but i dont understand how someone has the heart to cheat so much on someone they would die for.

[mella]

It sounds like a real mess, your relationship with that guy. I think your idea of taking time and being independent is a good one.

 

I was in a similar sort of relationship when I was your age, but I just didn't know he was cheating along the way, I just found out years later that he had cheated whenever he had the chance. He got something out of it that made him feel desired and powerful. Some guys see the number of girls they sleep with as directly correlating to their value. It's weird, but it's true. It certainly doesn't say anything about you, so don't take it too personally, it's his character flaw.

 

When you start a new relationship it should be with someone who is pretty close to his direct opposite. Someone respectful, loyal, trustworthy and who would never lay a hand on you. It's good that this relationship is over, it was not a good one. Enjoy your freedom and best wishes...