Madewell Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 For the first year+ my bf and I were dating he would still frequently do things with his "friend" (who is actually his ex-gf). My issue has never been that he's friends with his ex, but that he never told me about these times they had plans - I always found out after the fact, from other people or online. (I've never checked his phone or computer, though for awhile I was pretty tempted.) There was exactly one occasion when he told me beforehand that he told me about plans with his "friend." I have no idea why he told me about that time, but not any before or after. I don't think that they were hooking up. I think that most likely my bf just wanted to do what he wanted to do, and avoid a potential headache. We had a couple discussions about this, but nothing changed, until after one particular incident when I had had enough. I nearly ended the relationship at that point. After some discussion, I decided to give the relationship another go. This was with the understanding that there would be no more lying by omission (bf would always truthfully answer a direct question) about this "friend." In the meantime I have never once asked him about this girl. He also has never once mentioned that he saw her or they were hanging out. I haven't had any reason to think that they've hung out either. Since that conversation, he has only told me of one occasion that he spoke to this girl. I find it odd, to say the least, that all of a sudden they're not friends anymore, so today I asked him if he was still friends with her. He said that they didn't hang out or anything, but he didn't hate her, and added "what now?" When I just changed the subject he asked me again why I was asking about her. I told him that certain things about their relationship made me very uncomfortable, and they always used to hang out, but he hasn't mentioned recently that they have. So I was wondering if they haven't been hanging out, or if they have and he just hasn't been mentioning it. Then told him that I won't bring it up again (and I won't, unless I have reason to think he's lying to me). But, now I feel like he's annoyed and just isn't saying so. My feelings are that I'm perfectly justified in asking this question (once since the last conversation we had about this, which was 7 months ago), since he violated my trust in him. Am I wrong?
LovelyDaze Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 No, you are not to be inquisitive on why he feels so upset about not being friends with his ex. Logically, it appears that something occurred to change her feelings about hanging out with him and he is feeling bitter. Sorry to say this, but he may have harbored lingering feelings for his ex and wanted her to stay in his life. Communication is key. You will have to ask him flat out what his deal is. Ask direct questions about how he feels about her and what he intends to do about it. If he dances around the subject, then perhaps you need to take a break from a relationship with him yourself. How he reacts to that will be very telling.
Author Madewell Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 I must've been unclear. He's not annoyed that they aren't hanging out anymore, as far as I can tell. I think he's annoyed that I was questioning him, and implying that I don't trust him.
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 He just called me to tell me about something random and specific. But after he mentioned what he was calling about, he very quickly threw in "Just for full disclosure, I might see ex at this party tonight" and then said "I love you" and without even giving me a chance to say anything immediately changed the subject and talked for like 5 minutes about something else. So when he was done rambling about that, I interrupted him to say that I needed to acknowledge what he had said earlier. I told him for the 500th time that my issue is not if he sees his ex at a party or something, but when he takes her out to dinner and lies to me about it, etc. He interrupted me, saying "OK, this is already too much discussion about that" and then did the "I love you" thing again. He then proceeded to get off the phone with me, because he was supposed to meet up with friends 15 minutes ago. I thought about it, and should have resisted the urge, but sent him a text that said "I want to trust you, not a fan of you blowing me off like that. Have fun tonight." He sent me a half dozen texts back, asking me what I was talking about, and ending by saying I was being passive/aggressive and he wasn't a fan of this. I really don't want to argue via text, so I'm not responding. I know I was wrong to send that text, but at the same time, I don't at all like his attitude, and he hardly let me get a word in edge-wise before getting off the phone with me. Seriously, can anyone help me? Offer some perspective, advice, anything?
paleblue Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 i do not think you are wrong for feeling this way. its kinda not cool i think to hang out with your ex and not mention it. i really like they way you put it " lying by omission" because that is really what it is. a lot of people seem to be under the impression that because they dont actually tell you something means they are'nt lying. but it is lying all the way. i think thats called deceit if i am not mistaken. and why is he hanging with his ex in the first place anyway? this perked my curiosity because my ex gf says she wants to hang out with me here and there, even tho she has a long distance bf that lives an hour and a half away. i know she also hangs out with her other ex bf while she is seeing this new guy. i cant help but to wonder does she tell her new bf all this stuff going on? yeah it is odd when all the sudden you stop hearing about it. and like i said i think you are completed justified. i dont think you should be the one who has to ask in the first place! i think he should just be telling you! and not be getting annoyed with you about it. what if you were hanging out with your ex bf and not telling him? do you think he would be cool with that? you were not wrong to send that text. you are being open and honest and want communication as it should be. i dont see that coming form him. he seems to get annoyed with you asking about his social life. red flag.
BobSacamento Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 If you can't trust him why even bother with him? This will only lead to resentment.
Stung Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Am I wrong? No. Your boyfriend, to put it simply, is behaving like an asshat. His behavior has been suspect, at worst he's been unfaithful, and at best he's self-absorbed and disrespectful. Now he's acting like you're being unreasonably demanding--either he's genuinely insensitive and obtuse or it's a convenient way to manipulate you into not continuing to stand up for yourself.
mrt336 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Basically just to echo everyone else: Trust is a pillar in the foundation of a relationship. I couldn't date anyone I don't trust 100%
confused and broken Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I think that you have to options 1. Decide to trust him until he proves you wrong (dont snoop, the truth always comes out) 2. Dump him because you are incapable of trusting him and trust is everything What you are doing right now (not trusting him) is eating you and your relationship alive
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the support everyone. I'm trying to be assertive but not crazy. I agree with what some of you have said about trust; however I wasn't willing to break up with my bf at the time, and as I had the option of continuing to date him and attempting to fix that issue, I took it. Maybe that wasn't the best option, but either way, here I am now. Mostly I started this thread, because I can see what you mean by the trust issue, and by me not trusting him eating our relationship alive. But on the other hand, I can also see where my question (I've asked him once in 7 months remember) is completely justified as a natural consequence of his breech of trust. I have no concrete reason right now to think that they have been hanging out. I had a suspicion because last Saturday his ex was looking for people to help her do something, and wrote that she was available until 6pm, but didn't mention what she was doing at 6 (presumably dinner date). I texted my bf asking him what he was up to later, and just before 6 he replied that he might go out with some friends, but wasn't sure. I then called him at 7, and he didn't answer his phone (unusual), and didn't call me back for almost an hour (unusual). He didn't mention what he'd been doing, but did try to make it appear as though he had been doing something that I know for a fact he had done earlier in the day. I'm not crazy enough to specifically ask him why he didn't answer his phone when I called. Now I'm starting to be crazy suspicious and read into everything he says. For example, why did he keep pressing me about why I was asking about his ex? If there wasn't anything to find out, he wouldn't have any reason to think I was asking for a specific reason. Then, when I said I was wondering if they haven't been hanging out, or if he just hasn't been mentioning it, he didn't respond and changed the subject. Etc. Plus, I'm getting pretty annoyed that he tries to brush things aside with "I love yous" as if that fixes everything. Paleblue, to answer some of your questions. and why is he hanging with his ex in the first place anyway? "She's fun and she's my friend." i cant help but to wonder does she tell her new bf all this stuff going on? I doubt it, but I'm getting pretty jaded about this. i dont think you should be the one who has to ask in the first place! i think he should just be telling you! I agree, and it blows my mind that he doesn't understand that the lying and secrecy is what the problem is. what if you were hanging out with your ex bf and not telling him? do you think he would be cool with that? Sometimes I wonder if he would care, to be honest. I actually have no interest in being friends with any of my exs, but in order to model appropriate behavior in regard to exs, I have accepted dinner invitations with exs AND their gfs or wives, after asking my bf if he is okay with that and extending the invitation to him also. Edited March 14, 2010 by Madewell
ADF Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Men, especially younger men, almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. keep that in mind, and a lot of "mysterious" male attractions to ex's, female friends, ect become a lot less mysterious.
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Men, especially younger men, almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. keep that in mind, and a lot of "mysterious" male attractions to ex's, female friends, ect become a lot less mysterious. This is one reason it bothers me. They have a lot of mutual friends, and they work together, so I find it completely unnecessary for them to see each outside of work, work-related functions, and mutual friends' parties.
tami-chan Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 If you are uncomfortable in asking your BF's whereabouts and your BF is not candid (read: thruthful) about his whereabouts, then there is already a chasm (ok, maybe not a chasm, but definitely, a crack) in your relationship. I would talk to him about it-once and for all-just lay it all out. You guys need to be secure in your relationship...anything less will create resentment.
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 If you are uncomfortable in asking your BF's whereabouts and your BF is not candid (read: thruthful) about his whereabouts, then there is already a chasm (ok, maybe not a chasm, but definitely, a crack) in your relationship. I would talk to him about it-once and for all-just lay it all out. You guys need to be secure in your relationship...anything less will create resentment. Thanks, good advice. In one example I gave, I made a tactical error in not first specifically asking him where he was when I called, because I know myself and I know that once I have asked the question once or twice in such a way that allows for evasion, I'm not comfortable pressing the issue. I have a fear of appearing crazy, like or a nag, or like "that girl."
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I think it means he did not change the way he handled things. Think about it. He never told you about their interactions and never brought her around when hanging with you, you ask for this to stop and their friendship stopped until you brought it up again at which point he pulls the "in the interest of full disclosure" we are going to hang out? NO, he has been hanging out with her the whole time and got irritated that you brought it up again despite his efforts at keeping you in the dark. My first post on here was for a friend going though the same damn situation. He even used the same damn phrasing with her too. He was catting around with his so called "friend". I've seen this play out for a few other friends (guys and girls) too - it has always been about some form of cheating. If you have a friend that you can't be up front about or bring around your SO -there IS a reason. So if you haven't expressly asked to not be included in their plans and he still doesn't mix the two of you socially, he is getting something out of the "friendship" you won't approve of.
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 I think it means he did not change the way he handled things. Think about it. He never told you about their interactions and never brought her around when hanging with you, you ask for this to stop and their friendship stopped until you brought it up again at which point he pulls the "in the interest of full disclosure" we are going to hang out? NO, he has been hanging out with her the whole time and got irritated that you brought it up again despite his efforts at keeping you in the dark. My first post on here was for a friend going though the same damn situation. He even used the same damn phrasing with her too. He was catting around with his so called "friend". I've seen this play out for a few other friends (guys and girls) too - it has always been about some form of cheating. If you have a friend that you can't be up front about or bring around your SO -there IS a reason. So if you haven't expressly asked to not be included in their plans and he still doesn't mix the two of you socially, he is getting something out of the "friendship" you won't approve of. I think you're right. Is there a way for me to go back and read your old posts?
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I think you're right. Is there a way for me to go back and read your old posts? Sure, it is my first one. I used all her emails and pasted them together so it is incredibly long and in the first person, but I didn't want to leave out anything that might be important. But because it wasn't my situation, there isn't any follow up. You can click on my profile and look at posting history to find it. click my avatar name and go to "find more posts by' I will tell you, despite my opinion against snooping, it is what she did and the relationship ended very badly.
Author Madewell Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Sure, it is my first one. I used all her emails and pasted them together so it is incredibly long and in the first person, but I didn't want to leave out anything that might be important. But because it wasn't my situation, there isn't any follow up. You can click on my profile and look at posting history to find it. click my avatar name and go to "find more posts by' I will tell you, despite my opinion against snooping, it is what she did and the relationship ended very badly. Thank you, I'm going to check it out.
lora22 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I found this site because I had the exact same problem as you. I mean the exact same. If you want to read my story also, it's my first post, titled something like "I know he's a liar is he cheating too"
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Thank you, I'm going to check it out. I hope it helps. My friend and I have not spoken for a long time. She had been my ex husband's live in GF at the time he kidnapped took off with my son to go hide out at the house of some woman he was having an online relationship with. She also had a son a couple years older than my own. Because of how I had met her, I posted her problem on here to try to avoid her feeling like my advise was competitive. Shortly after her and my ex husband broke up, she met a guy from N. Carolina and moved with him to his hometown. I think because of the history of how we built our friendship and the fact that my relationship was going well while hers was not created the rift. I was trying to get her to not stay with the guy because of his catting around, but she felt trapped by having moved. I heard through others that the relationship eventually ended. I hope thing got better for her. I hope they get better for you too.
Silver_star Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 This "friend" of his is causing turmoil between you and if this bothered him at all he would cut it out and fast. He doesnt seem to care how it affects you. You seem to have had very reasonable requests for full disclosure and he gets over defensive and heated at mention of it. I feel that there has been some indiscretions and more lies by omission by your boyfriend...i feel this can only get worse for you. I think its time to call it.
Author Madewell Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I'm pretty sure that he hasn't seen her alone since we had the one last discussion. Sally, I loved the line in your thread that said he was cheating on your friend - he was cheating her out of the trust she had for him. I'm giving myself 1 week to re-evaluate this situation, and then decide what action to take, if any. I'm also in the difficult position of having followed my bf when he moved back to his home territory. Fortunately, no kids involved though.
sally4sara Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I'm pretty sure that he hasn't seen her alone since we had the one last discussion. Sally, I loved the line in your thread that said he was cheating on your friend - he was cheating her out of the trust she had for him. I'm giving myself 1 week to re-evaluate this situation, and then decide what action to take, if any. I'm also in the difficult position of having followed my bf when he moved back to his home territory. Fortunately, no kids involved though. Sorry, I had to go back and read it myself; I didn't really remember the part you were referencing. Jaysus! that thing was long and I did a crap job of the cut & past here and there - sorry if it didn't make much sense in the time line and what not. I'm sorry, you're going through a similar mess. I honestly don't know what I would've done if I'd gotten wedged in a unfamiliar spot and had to go through that. I can really blow my stack when pushed and might have hurt someone (or two ) dealing with that. Do you have family or friends back home you can count if it comes down to it, or would you consider staying in his hometown if the worst comes to pass?
Author Madewell Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I'm going to try to figure that out, so I can weigh my options in the worst-case scenario. Mostly I'm concerned because where I live with my bf has a very high cost of living, and even though I have a good job, I don't think I would be able to make it here on my own or just with roommates. But I will look into rent and things like that to get a feel for if that's an option. I do have friends and wouldn't mind staying, regardless of what happens with him. Otherwise, my only option (that I've come up with so far) is to back in with my parents. I know that they would allow me to do that for at least a little while, the only problem is there aren't very many jobs in their area, and I definitely wouldn't get as great of a job as I have now, unless my company let me transfer. As I said, I was pretty angry about how my bf handled the situation, but I don't really think he's cheating. I think because of how things were, the fact that he is now online more when he's at home (because of things going on with work, presumably), and the fact that he's more active with friends now that the weather is better (as I am), so we're apart for longer and larger chunks of the day outside of work, it's feeding my mistrust in regards to this one issue. ...Which is why his attitude sucks, because now more than ever I need him to be very transparent.
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