wiseup Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I've been in a new relationship for 6 months now. As a matter of fact, we just celebrated our 6-month anniversary last week. Everything was good. I felt like it's the best relationship I've ever had. Still do. He is very loving, treats me like a princess, very considerate. We really do enjoy each other's presence. Except one thing - My morbid fear of dogs. I never had a pet growing up. My mother is terrified of them. I would scream and panic whenever a dog tries to get close to me. I would lose all my "cool" instantly. While my bf grew up in a family that's very big on dogs. There's always dogs in the family. Golden retrievers, to be exact. His grandpa was devastated when their golden retriever died 10 years ago and passed away shortly after. And they got a new one after that. When I visited his family around X'mas. The dog was always kept in a different room than me. I think things are going so well during the past 6 months that we both think that we possibly have the potential to maybe eventually "make it". Except that he always dreamed of having a house with a dog in it in the future. It's part of who he is. It's part of what he has gotten used to. He said he's ok with me not liking dogs, but he doesn't know if he can accept the fact that I can't even calmly say "Excuse me, would you please let me out" when someone walks into the elevator with a dog. He said he'll make an appointment with a therapist and we can both go. Until then, we should take it lightly. We talked a lot this morning and we both cried. He said he's not ready to give up. And he kept saying "I wanna be with you now". To me, the key word is "now". I am not at an age where I just wanna date for fun. I wanna settle down. I want a family. And trust me, my ex-bfs have said similar things to me before along the lines as "I don't wanna break up now". That absolutely means nothing to me. They just wanted to have some more fun with me and kick me away when they see fit. I don't want it to be the case with him. If I am going to hurt later because possibly I could never get over my phobia (cuz believe me, I have been trying and not made too much progress, or at all really), maybe I should just hurt NOW by walking away NOW. It might hurt less. Besides, I don't know if I want to get over it. My phobia is part of me. It's who I am. We should always look for people who like us for who we are. If he can't accept who I am, why should I change myself for himself? I should be with someone who likes me the way I am, right? It is really a shame though cuz we really are in love with each other. And it's been very hard to talk about breaking up, on both of us. What should I do?
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 While I understand your need to be with someone who accepts all of you, why wouldn't you want to consider therapy, for an irrational fear? Best case scenario, it removes a fear that debilitates. Worst case scenario, it does nothing. Don't you think your own quality of life will improve, if you lose your fear of dogs, whether you stay with your current b/f or not?
Author wiseup Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 I guess you've got a point there about getting over the phobia for myself. But for the past 27 years of my life, it never got to the "debilitating" point other than I don't ride elevators with dogs and use the stairs instead. I don't feel like my life is greatly harmed by it. Just like I never felt not having a sibling around is a terrible thing being an only child. Even though I might want more than one child in the future. I still grew up in a close-knit, loving family. So I don't really see the necessarity to get over my phobia of dogs, if it wasn't for my current relationship.
Stockalone Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I think you should give therapy a try. If you panic with dogs around you, isn't that seriously affecting your life in a negative way since you can't control when or where you might encounter a dog? That said, even if you get to a point where you aren't running away screaming, do you think you will ever like dogs? Because I think that is the real issue here. If you are just able to tolerate a dog you pass on the street, that is not the same as being okay with your bf wanting to have a dog living in the same house with you, being a part of your everyday life. Personally, I can't stand dogs, and I never want one in my home. Based on that, I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants to have a dog as a pet.
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I hate spiders but that doesn't stop me from getting rid of them, when they creep into my home. I'm afraid of heights but it doesn't stop me from forcibly making myself look over the edge of buildings, ride a skylift and have even gone parasailing. No fear is going to take over me. Any fear that limits your life and the people around you, IS debilitating. As well, when other people put their dogs away, when you come over, is kind of unfair, don't you think? As well, the number of times they invite you over, might also be limited, due to not wanting to lock pets away, in their pets' own homes. Honestly, what have you got to lose and what have you got to gain?
Lakeside_runner Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Okay - I'm probably wrong but here's my first impression after reading your post: THE GUY ACTUALLY PREFERS A FUTURE WITH A DOG OVER A FUTURE WITH YOU???
Author wiseup Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 Okay - I'm probably wrong but here's my first impression after reading your post: THE GUY ACTUALLY PREFERS A FUTURE WITH A DOG OVER A FUTURE WITH YOU??? That's EXACTLY how I feel! That's one of the reasons I don't even want to get over it!
Author wiseup Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 As well, when other people put their dogs away, when you come over, is kind of unfair, don't you think? As well, the number of times they invite you over, might also be limited, due to not wanting to lock pets away, in their pets' own homes. It has happened before. I did feel bad when people have to lock away their pets. But I have been trying to get over my phobia. Granted, I haven't tried therapy yet. But I have been trying on my own. I would try not flinch everytime a dog walks by. And I've seen no tangible progress really. I am afraid I would NEVER get over it. And it's fine. I could always associate with people who don't have dogs. I live in NYC and there are tons of people who don't even have the room for a dog.
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