dannie19 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Been posting on here for a while. My affair with a MM ended exactly one month ago today. Been okayish,tho seeing him at work & his insistence that we are best friends dont help,hard also to accept he rejected me. Anyway I feel so flat & lifeless. Dont think it connected to him but just life in general. When you look at it I don't have a life at all. Worse though I don't know what I want or where to look! Probably posting on the wrong forum but tried the Transistions one & didn't get anything. Sorry,maybe I should see my GP but don't want pills.
jj33 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 When you lose someoe you love there is a hole. And this has given you the chance to focus on the fact that you need to find a directoin. I know the feeling. Theres a void and you dont know how to fill it. This isnt about xMM. And its not something he can fix. Its about you and finding a way to make a life for yourself that makes you happy. Its not an easy one. I havent totally figured it out myself. One foot in front of the other. Big hugs
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Anyway I feel so flat & lifeless. Time for a change of scenery. Go on a holiday, or pick afew good friends, do a spa day/weekend. As JJ has said, you need to find out what makes you happy, find your passion so you won't feel blah.
califnan Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Hi Dannie. You have No Idea how FULL your life is .. There is a possibility you have been looking into the so-called window - and thinking that the MM and his wife have a full life .. ha I can speak to you about a woman who was pretty fulfilled for the past 24 years (after her last marriage). Fulfilled with her family, her company, her home, decorating, cooking etc etc .. Then the MM descended upon her .. She fell for him .. (the cake eater) .. He and his wife (of 3 years) are retired - they go on trips monthly, and are very self indulgent - plus she has Him .. Well God is Good. I am No longer looking into their rose-coloured window. I have a Vital God-given life. I can finish up those unfinished pieces and projects to my life (to help me to go forward, easier) and/or take on other things .. I HAVE HOPE AND STRENGTH .. And YOU TOO, DANNIE ..
Heather1 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Keep balanced. Excercise really helps me, even a 20 min. walk. The WORST thing, and my worst moments, are when I'm by myself & at home. Nothing but dwell time. It's like I need a timer @ home so I can rehash, write in my journal (which I shred) & read. If I do it for too long, I can't move forward with my day & I'm stuck obsessed all day long. When I'm out & about, I don't check my phone all day long. Right now, I have all his stuff blocked so he couldn't get ahold of me if I was out anyway. Make yourself attractive!!! Inside & out!!! For a couple of days I was mopping & worthless. Lately, my attitude is he's an idiot for passing me by. I'm fun! I started my hobbies back up, and I'm making a lot of progress. The last thing I want him to think is I'm sitting around pinning for him! It's the last thing I want to do too.....I want him to be the one missing out. Does that make sense?
Fallen Angel Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Keep balanced. Excercise really helps me, even a 20 min. walk. The WORST thing, and my worst moments, are when I'm by myself & at home. Nothing but dwell time. It's like I need a timer @ home so I can rehash, write in my journal (which I shred) & read. If I do it for too long, I can't move forward with my day & I'm stuck obsessed all day long. When I'm out & about, I don't check my phone all day long. Right now, I have all his stuff blocked so he couldn't get ahold of me if I was out anyway. Make yourself attractive!!! Inside & out!!! For a couple of days I was mopping & worthless. Lately, my attitude is he's an idiot for passing me by. I'm fun! I started my hobbies back up, and I'm making a lot of progress. The last thing I want him to think is I'm sitting around pinning for him! It's the last thing I want to do too.....I want him to be the one missing out. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense! I just wanted to add... call up some good friends for a night out, even if you do not feel up to dancing the night away, a good movie and hanging out at your favorite cafe for a few hours does amazing things for lifting your spirits. Get involved with some charitable organization. I know it sounds awful to say it, but when I find myself wanting to throw myself a pity party over things going poorly in my life, I try to do some charity work. By seeing people who are struggling with problems much greater than myself, i am able to crawl out of my depression hole, and out of my own head, and focus on doing something constructive for the world. (As much as I would like to think it is, eating Ben and Jerry's straight from the container using oreos as a spoon and watching movies that make me cry, is just simply not constructive!) Buy yourself a small treat when you have a really 'good day'. it doesn't have to be anything big, just some small something to let yourself know that you are proud of yourself for the way you handled the day. (A new shade of nail polish, a tiny bottle of some really expensive perfume *you can get a tiny bottle fairly cheaply, and just wear it once or twice a year*, a new book from your favorite author) Treating yourself on 'good days' makes you work harder to make sure each day is a 'good day'. Good luck to you..
Fallen Angel Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Dannie..feeling good about yourself is key.. I agree with all the other ladies.. Try pole dancing classes.. sounds trashy, but really its great exercise and you can reclaim your sexually and feel good about yourself..I just joined, and it's alot of fun.. (no its not a career option!). It really helps me keep my mind off of my almost XMM.. while I am not attempting to take my mind off of My Sweetheart, pole dancing sounds like a blast.. and i need to shed this winter fat I put on.. *goes to google pole dancing classes in her area* Thanks! P.S. has anyone tried those "flirty girl" dvds? I am thinking perhaps it would be kind not to force classmates to see certain parts of me jiggle.. maybe the videos would be a better start for me.. hmmm... any reviews?
pureinheart Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 When you lose someoe you love there is a hole. And this has given you the chance to focus on the fact that you need to find a directoin. I know the feeling. Theres a void and you dont know how to fill it. This isnt about xMM. And its not something he can fix. Its about you and finding a way to make a life for yourself that makes you happy. Its not an easy one. I havent totally figured it out myself. One foot in front of the other. Big hugs Wow...how true...this is great JJ....
pureinheart Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Time for a change of scenery. Go on a holiday, or pick afew good friends, do a spa day/weekend. As JJ has said, you need to find out what makes you happy, find your passion so you won't feel blah. It's so easy to slip into a depression....excellent advice WWIU.
pureinheart Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 hi dannie. You have no idea how full your life is .. There is a possibility you have been looking into the so-called window - and thinking that the mm and his wife have a full life .. Ha i can speak to you about a woman who was pretty fulfilled for the past 24 years (after her last marriage). Fulfilled with her family, her company, her home, decorating, cooking etc etc .. Then the mm descended upon her .. She fell for him .. (the cake eater) .. He and his wife (of 3 years) are retired - they go on trips monthly, and are very self indulgent - plus she has him .. Well god is good. I am no longer looking into their rose-coloured window. I have a vital god-given life. I can finish up those unfinished pieces and projects to my life (to help me to go forward, easier) and/or take on other things .. I have hope and strength .. And you too, dannie .. ((((((((((cn))))))))))))
Author dannie19 Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Thank you everyone. It's such a comfort to have people thousands of miles away take the time to reply. I know it's not about losing him as much as losing myself. It's all great advice but I just don't know if I can find the strength to put it into action yet. I have to be honest, yesterday I only managed to get out of bed for about 3 hours! But today's a new day and one foot infront of the other as you say, it just seems such a huge mountain and no idea what I want there to be at the top if I even make it.... Thanks again everyone for your continued support and patience.
Laura123 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Definitely, I'm at the point of realising how little I meant to him and that it was indeed just a "fling" to him. I read that a lot of affairs end after the honeymoon period (1-6 months), of course some carry on for years, but mine was a blast for the first month, I started to get down in the second/third month when i saw him pursuing me less, missing a daily email etc. Now I still hear from him but I let it drive me crazy over xmas (the dark days and bad weather didn't help). Now it's nearly that time of year again when i first met him....it's brightening up and i can remember the feelings back then. I have realised though how little i meant to him...i have no idea why he still keeps in contact but in time that will take care of itself i am sure. I do know that my stomping around in a bad mood and being depressed stops now because it's only hurting me and closing off any opportunities in the future for myself. It's been a terrible 6 months, i lost my job because of it all and then jumped into a job with a bullying boss that was awful and have now left that. All it did for me was give me mental heartache and what feels like continuously looking for a job. Would I do it again? I most probably would because I hadn't been with anyone I felt like that about for 3 years when I met him. What hurt me the most was the casual way he treated me...he was the first person I had had sex with for 3 years because I just don't do it with anyone....I realise that he's probably got a couple he's stringing along. the summer is starting, time for change, it will happen without even trying too much, just attempting new things and looking forwards, and time and distance do it for you. x
jj33 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 THis may not be a poplular view, but is it possible that this hole was there before and MM filled it.... you thought you had the answer and direction you sought in your life and now hes gone and the hole is back. I have recognized that in my own life. Single, older, work dominating my life and suddenly this person whom I loved more than I could have imagined and we had a life together... and then when it was over I was left with the hole again but it was worse because I had the comparison of recently having felt the happiness of sharing my life with someone, being an "us". I have had to face the fact that what I miss is not just him, its the fact that i liked sharing my life with someone. And that I need to get better at creating structure in my life even if its just for me. Ive never been good at that and had a million excuses for not having that but its gotten to the point where its necessary so I am trying again. Practice makes perfect.
Hazyhead Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 THis may not be a poplular view, but is it possible that this hole was there before and MM filled it.... you thought you had the answer and direction you sought in your life and now hes gone and the hole is back. I have recognized that in my own life. Single, older, work dominating my life and suddenly this person whom I loved more than I could have imagined and we had a life together... and then when it was over I was left with the hole again but it was worse because I had the comparison of recently having felt the happiness of sharing my life with someone, being an "us". I have had to face the fact that what I miss is not just him, its the fact that i liked sharing my life with someone. And that I need to get better at creating structure in my life even if its just for me. Ive never been good at that and had a million excuses for not having that but its gotten to the point where its necessary so I am trying again. Practice makes perfect. JJ, I can identify with you here. My affair plugged a void that I'd sensed and yet ran from for some time, and it suited me at the time to do that. Now, however, I'm dealing with the fallout of not dealing with issues correctly in the beginning, and it's that much harder. Although it's scary, I'm also [almost] giddily excited about the possibilities. Dannie, there is so much good advice already on this thread; choose some stuff to do, and like WWIU said, go out and find your passion. The rest will follow. Chin up chuck!
califnan Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 THis may not be a poplular view, but is it possible that this hole was there before and MM filled it.... you thought you had the answer and direction you sought in your life and now hes gone and the hole is back. I have recognized that in my own life. Single, older, work dominating my life and suddenly this person whom I loved more than I QUOTE] ------------------ If the hole wasn't already there ... the devil sure makes you feel like there was a hole, a void - or something vital missing from our lives .. Maybe there was - but if someone had come along previously, (whom we fell in love with) we would have married him ..
jj33 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Califnan I agree with you, but at the risk of sounding too self helpish.. no relationship can fill the void I was referring to. You think it can (or I have) but when there is a void and its not just the Id like to share my life with someone void but you dont have your own stuff going on (hobbies friends support system) one person cant be everything. Most people dont want to be "everything" to someone else. It works in the context of an A because you know the MP isnt available all the time but it doesnt work typcially work with 2 avialable people. Im not suggesting all affairs are based on this but I think its not unusual.
califnan Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Califnan I agree with you, but at the risk of sounding too self helpish.. no relationship can fill the void I was referring to. You think it can (or I have) but when there is a void and its not just the Id like to share my life with someone void but you dont have your own stuff going on (hobbies friends support system) one person cant be everything. Most people dont want to be "everything" to someone else. It works in the context of an A because you know the MP isnt available all the time but it doesnt work typcially work with 2 avialable people. Im not suggesting all affairs are based on this but I think its not unusual. -------------- Yes, I agree .. We cannot be happy with someone until we are happy by ourselves - our lives .. I am just saying that if you are a SW - falling in love with someone can make you feel that marriage was a missing part of our lives - previously ..
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