drogemeister Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Long story short, my wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've had some drama, meaning that we split up, divorced and got back together. I've cheated on her and she has done some things that was almost the equivalent to cheating. This was all before we divorced. We've been back together now for almost 6 months. Every part of our relationship is fine except for one thing. Sex. She has never been a nympho, but before our daughter was born, who is now 3, she was into it a lot more than she is now. Now, she tells me she isn't into it. We have sex about 4-5 times a month and she only does it to avoid a fight with me. I have been pressuring about sex because I have a high sex drive and I get very crabby and frustrated. The thing that is confusing to me is that we got back together 6 months ago and before that she didn't have sex for 6 months (I was the last person she had sex with), so when we did get back together, she wanted it a lot. That lasted for 3 weeks. She doesn't even like giving me oral, which is new to me. Every time we have sex, I bring her to orgasms orally and I don't get the same in return. She tells me I should just be happy that I'm even getting sex. Before a few weeks ago, I know she didn't want to do it because it hurt. We found out that it's because she was having orgasms before we would have sex and that would dry her up. Lube didn't really help either. So now, I go down on her enough to get her wet, then we have sex, and then I finish her off. She's told me many times that she likes how we do it now, but the sex hasn't increased. So last night we talked about it again. My daughter stayed the night at my mother in laws house and I was hoping for sex. We went out to dinner, had a good time, came home and played WoW (it's one of the things we do together) and when it was time for bed, she wanted to talk about sex. Basically she told me that she stresses going to bed because she doesn't know if I am going to get upset if we don't have sex. I told her that she doesn't give me any signs either, so I don't know what to do. One thing that we talked about was communication. I told her she needs to express to me that she isn't in the mood, otherwise I don't know. She said she has done that only to have me throw it in her face a week later. I don't know if that is true, but either way, I just want to fix this issue. I want her to not be stressed about sex, to be more comfortable with it, so that she wants to do it more. At the same time, I need to be satisfied. What do I do?
cuppa Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I wished I could give you advice but I'm probably the least qualified to do so now. But I will try... Just from a woman's perspective, it will take a while for some women to get used to frequent sex again after months of celibacy. I think your wife, just like most women, could only have sex when we have that deep connection with our partners and need to have that feeling of sexual/beautiful again. Physically, I have heard about this thing called Rabbit. My girl friends swear up & down that this works. What about you performing this selfless act with her, seeing her to this satisfaction, and then don't demand anything in return. Hopefully, she will start to get used to the feeling again, love being sexual again, and she will do more things with you. Good luck!
giotto Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I think you married my wife... you are welcome to keep her! lol
linwood Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 What do I do? Find a woman who enjoys sex. Dump the Ex-Wife.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Frequency of sex is a typical issue for many couples... I remember a time in my marriage (not that long ago) I would go to bed unhappy if I did not get it... Those days are gone now. I have learned to work for what I want and not expect the immediate gratification in response. I take care of her needs throughout the day, in the bedroom, most importantly in her heart. When I show her love and care and attention all day, and do not expect sex directly in return that same night, guess what, that's usually when she comes on to me. She flirts with me during the day and it's just sweet, the reciprocated love for one another... This is not to say your wife will be the same as mine, all I can say is that once I really began to work on onther things in my life, and not focus and demand and feel I deserve more and/or better sex... that's when the frequency increased, and the quality improved too!
blind_otter Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 When you reconciled, did you get any kind of help to overcome the longstanding resentments that both of you probably have about the past issues that casued the breakup? Forgive me, but I think that reconciling after infidelity and divorce, without some kind of therapeutic support, seems like it would be doomed from the start. If you haven't addressed the reasons why you split in the first place, then they are still there.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Before a few weeks ago, I know she didn't want to do it because it hurt. We found out that it's because she was having orgasms before we would have sex and that would dry her up. Totally confused by this statement. Can you elaborate? Mr. Lucky
mitchell Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 She tells me I should just be happy that I'm even getting sex. This is the most telling line in your post. Your wife still has unresolved issues and needs to see a therapist. Sounds like she is doing you a favor the few times you have sex and is still harboring resentment.
blind_otter Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 This is the most telling line in your post. Your wife still has unresolved issues and needs to see a therapist. Sounds like she is doing you a favor the few times you have sex and is still harboring resentment. Don't you think the guy who actually cheated on her should see a therapist, too, rather than the one who "did things pretty close to cheating"?
Author drogemeister Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Totally confused by this statement. Can you elaborate? Mr. Lucky Whenever I would cause her to orgasm during foreplay, she would dry up when we would have sex after wards. Now, I go down on her enough to get her wet, then we have sex, and then I finish her off orally. She doesn't get dry anymore.
Author drogemeister Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 This is the most telling line in your post. Your wife still has unresolved issues and needs to see a therapist. Sounds like she is doing you a favor the few times you have sex and is still harboring resentment. I believe this is true. She is still getting over the fact that I cheated and I am still getting over her and her friend in NJ. See, even though she didn't cheat physically, she did mentally and emotionally, which caused me to start the path to infidelity. Right before we separated, she was talking to this guy in NJ (We lived in Vegas during this time and now live in Minneapolis) that she met while we were playing an online game. They became good friends and I got jealous. I checked up on her chat log and she mentioned that she gives a good blowjob to him. She also sent a picture of her ass, while wearing panties, to him. I found out, went ballistic, and tried to destroy the friendship. It almost worked, but we ended up separating because of some stuff I did to get back at her. During the course of the time we were separated, they talked, but nothing serious. 6 months before we divorced, we tried to work things out and it didnt work. Only lasted 3 months. Right before the divorce, they had been planning on meeting and ****ing. I found all this out because I got into her email. I have always been jealous of this guy, mainly because I feel he played a huge part in the demise of our marriage. They have only talked on the phone once before we got back together and ever since we got back together she hasn't said anything sexual to him, although he has from time to time. I have access to her emails, her cell phone call logs and the history of her internet browsing. I know it isn't right to snoop, but when it comes to this guy, I get real suspicious. I also know that she hasn't ****ed anyone but me and when she was talking about ****ing this guy, she hadn't had sex in about 5 months (with me), which I could see why she'd be horny. Infact, she was being a total slut, which is opposite to what she is now. I don't know if it's because she gets sex anytime she wants now, as opposed to not getting it before. Anyway, what prompted me to ask you your opinion, is that this guy has cancer and is going through hell right now. She has sworn to me that this is the only reason why she talks to him, because his family and friends arent there for him and she feels obligated. With the hard times he is going through, he keep talking about dying and she has told him that she would go see him. Here is cutouts from the email conversation (the beginning of the emails are at the bottom with the most recent email being the last reply): My Wife: probably. which is why i probably wouldnt go. Him: My theory has always been that I am not and have not been myself for months now, so it would kind of be a worthless visit. My wife: well thats nice. i figured i would just get a call from your brother one random day and then i'd just have to be impotently pissed off for however long. If it comes to your worst case, thats probably how it will go down, and i'll have to lol over being right, and then proceed with the pissed off phase. But its all irrelevant because you'll be fine. Him: The only reason you'll be coming here is to take one in the mouth, then to take it in the ass. Its three stays of three days, assuming they can confirm it and its either not mysteriously gone or something else. It being something else I'd imagine would be the actual worse case scenario. Yeah its much better, basically the risk is both the disease itself and the poison given to hopefully resolve it. The procedure itself, he said that the chances of surviving that are 99%. The cure rate with this whole thing is 50/50, which is honestly better than I had figured. I'm sure there is no way to explain this without sounding nuts, but I kind of knew that this is how it was going to go, however I wouldn't be stunned if it was magically gone right now. Figure that one out. I will say though that if this **** doesn't work, sure we can start talking about a visit for your own well being. My Wife: well that doesnt sound as bad as before. The 9 days in the hospital will probably be a bitch to deal with. I think that would be the worst part if it if i were in your shoes. I would go absolutely batty being stuck there. You better beat it this time though. Otherwise i'll have to make a visit against your wishes solely to beat it for you. Him: He wants to confirm some things first, so I'm going to get a call this week to schedule a biopsy. If it goes that way I get roughly 3 more months of chemo, with 9 days speant in the hospital. Followed by the non dangerous form of bone marrow transplant. So basically the non absurd worse case scenario is much better than I had thought, and I will have to wait more to know what exactly gets done. My Wife: how did your appointment go So maybe you are right.
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