So frustrated.

[sweetjasmine]

Sorry, I just need to rant a little. Long wall of text up ahead.

 

My SO was going to come out and see me this weekend. Over a week ago, we were looking at ticket prices, and there were still flights available at around ~$100-150ish. He said he wanted to wait until it got closer to the date so the price would go down, and I told him that it wouldn't go down. That only happens sometimes, usually when they can't fill up enough seats, and you can never predict what's going to happen.

 

Of course, he didn't listen to me and waited. And tonight, prices are $600-1000, so he's obviously not going to come.

 

He felt like crap and apologized for it, but I'm still pissed off. It's the icing on the cake for what have been two really bad weeks. And it really, really pisses me off that I told him, and he didn't listen to me at all. When we talked about it tonight, he said, "It always goes down, it's gone down every time I've booked a flight."

 

Some background (here's my old thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t211870/ ): we've been in an LDR for almost two years now, and I've spent the past two years doing nearly all the traveling. He's flown out to see me twice and has driven down to meet my family twice, and we've both flown out to see his father twice. He was supposed to come another time, but he completely forgot he told me that.

 

In other words, I've been booking all the flights, so it's infuriating to me that he'd say, "It's gone down every time I've booked a flight" when he's only done it a handful of times in the past few years. Compared to the all of the times I've made travel arrangements by plane and train. And yet he won't listen to me. Well, now he gets to save more money by not coming at all.

 

I held back and didn't argue with him about it, beyond saying I was a little angry and pretty disappointed and pointing out that I had told him the price wouldn't go down. He already feels terrible, and I don't want to make him feel worse.

 

The problem is that things have been weird lately, and he's been acting like a real a-hole at times. He's extremely stressed and anxious about getting a job now that the grad school thing has fallen through. The other day he said he was applying for some job in Canada, "but don't worry, I won't get it." What does that even mean? He brought it up again today and said, "What if I get that job in Canada? Would you come with me?"

 

How am I supposed to emigrate to Canada? We've spent weeks at a time together, living in his apartment, but we've never really lived together, but I'm supposed to go through yet another emigration process, two years after I've gotten my American citizenship? All because he couldn't find a job in the entire United States? And how would I emigrate? How long would that take? And in the meantime, I would have to be the one traveling to Canada once a month or whatever.

 

I had my grandmother's funeral last weekend, and after I got home, I was talking to him about it online. Well, more like talking at him because ten minutes into the conversation he tells me that he's been on the phone with the state tax bureau the whole time, and now they were giving him the bureaucratic run around about a tax return they owe him. So he interrupted me while I was talking about being upset over everything and started mouthing off about the tax people. He got so mad that he got up and left and went for a walk outside. I didn't know until later that it was the last straw and that earlier he had gotten two rejection letters from schools, so he snapped because of a pile of bad things.

 

When he spoke to me again, he apologized profusely, but it honestly is still bothering me to some extent. Half the time I feel like I can't talk to him anymore, and then he gets frustrated with me because I don't talk. But when I do, he either gets irritated or doesn't listen or interrupts me. He wasn't like this before. He doesn't know how to deal with this kind of stress.

 

And today he was saying that whichever one of us finds a job first will take it, and the other will just have to move, but I'm f-ing tired of being the one who has to travel all the freaking time, and my grandmother's death has really made me feel like I need to be closer to my family, geographically, so that I can be there and spend time with them. I've been out here in this stupid city, far away from my family and all of my friends, and I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of missing out on everyone's lives.

 

He's already got job applications out there, and yet I don't even know if I'll be able to leave my program by June, so I can't even start thinking about applying for jobs. Which means that he's going to land something, and I'll have to pack up and follow along or end things. When I've been doing all the packing and traveling the whole time. And he says, "I'm not asking you to choose between me and your family" - but that's exactly what it's going to be unless he gets a job on the east coast.

 

I hate this.

[Rollercoasterr]

I don't think he's trying, hon.

 

Mathew and I have been doing the LD thing for almost 2 years, him in Canada, me in the US. I have NEVER PAID less than $400 for a flight, and it has never gone down closer to flight time. It always goes up. I've had to buy my tickets a month before hand to get the best price. But that's probably because of where I live, time of year, etc. But still. You can try Bing and sometimes they'll give you price predictors. $100-150 is an awesome price, I don't see why he didn't just book it unless he didn't have the money and/or didn't really want to come in the first place.

 

If you want to immigrate to Canada it'll be about the same as doing it in the US. The procedures are a little different, but you're looking at 6-8 months. If I'm not mistaken, Bearandsue is moving to Canada, and she started her process around the same time as Mathew and I, and that's been just about 6 months ago(10 days until 6 months). Maybe you can ask her if you've got any questions about anything.

 

I just really get the vibe that he's being lazy and not wanting to visit or not wanting to get a job. It may not be the case ,but the way he's being so aloof about everything just makes me cringe.

[aerogurl87]

Yeah sounds like he's not trying to me either. I'm booking a flight to Canada right now (well trying to) for May and the prices went down for like 2 days, then they went back up. So I don't believe in the whole "wait for the last minute to get the best price" theory. Now if you book it near late fall or winter, the prices may drop, but probably still won't be less than $400. For me to fly from North Carolina to Edmonton will be about $630.

 

With that said, I think you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel about him seemingly not putting in as much effort as you. My guy and I had this talk and he said he just wasn't planning as much as me at the moment because he wanted to wait till we had about a month to go before he started planning everything. I would say maybe your guy is like this, and if he is you should talk to him about it and try to find a compromise so you'll both end up happy and not frustrated.

[BettyBoop]

I'm so sorry but I have to agree with the others it sounds like he wanted to save his money...I have never ever had flight prices do anything but go up the closer to the departure date it gets.

 

I don't really have any sound advice unfortunately except do not move to live with someone unless you have lived together with them for over a month...the last time I saw my ex-fiancé we were together for 6 weeks straight and went on vacation and that is when I finally realised that he was not what I was looking for and what my life would look like living with him...

 

I think you need to be straight with him that you feel like you have done all the travelling and that you feel done with the travelling and want to be closer to your family. If you matter to him he will take you into account and listen. If you're gonna make it work you both have to work together on this.

 

Hope you feel better soon...

[sweetjasmine]

Mathew and I have been doing the LD thing for almost 2 years, him in Canada, me in the US. I have NEVER PAID less than $400 for a flight, and it has never gone down closer to flight time. It always goes up.

 

Yeah, I've never seen international flight prices go down. But it has happened with domestic. I've seen it a few times. Last time he came out here, it was a last minute spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. It was sort of a surprise but it couldn't be entirely a surprise because he wouldn't have known how to get to my place from the airport.

 

$100-150 is an awesome price, I don't see why he didn't just book it unless he didn't have the money and/or didn't really want to come in the first place.

 

$100-150 is usually the lower price. Sometimes it dips a little lower. He did want to come see me, but he just didn't listen to me when I said the price wouldn't go down. It was a stupid mistake, but it really bugs me that he ignored what I said.

 

If you want to immigrate to Canada it'll be about the same as doing it in the US.

 

Ha, I hope not! It's damn near impossible to get into the US unless you're on a work visa or have a family member who's a US citizen petitioning for you.

 

The procedures are a little different, but you're looking at 6-8 months.

 

I figured it'd be at least that, probably more. And I'd be petitioning as an immigrant, unless I looked for a job there and hoped they'd hire me. He asked me to tell him what I thought about all that, and that's what I'll tell him.

 

I just really get the vibe that he's being lazy and not wanting to visit or not wanting to get a job. It may not be the case ,but the way he's being so aloof about everything just makes me cringe.

 

He's not being lazy about jobs and has been sending out applications. He's pretty terrified of not finding something, so he's not being lazy about looking. But when it comes to visiting, he wants to see me but it seems like everything else he has to deal with gets in the way.

 

And I can see how what I wrote makes him sound aloof, but he's not really acting that way. He's anxious, stressed, and impatient. There's so much going on in both our lives right now that I can't really blame him too much for being distracted. And he's trying to be more sensitive and whatnot, but it's still difficult to deal with.

 

So I don't believe in the whole "wait for the last minute to get the best price" theory.

 

Yeah. Like I said, though, it has happened before. But he was convinced it happens all the time.

 

With that said, I think you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel about him seemingly not putting in as much effort as you.

 

You're right.

 

My guy and I had this talk and he said he just wasn't planning as much as me at the moment because he wanted to wait till we had about a month to go before he started planning everything. I would say maybe your guy is like this, and if he is you should talk to him about it and try to find a compromise so you'll both end up happy and not frustrated.

 

Yeah, he's like that sometimes. I'll talk to him about it maybe today since I'm not feeling too upset anymore.

 

I don't really have any sound advice unfortunately except do not move to live with someone unless you have lived together with them for over a month...the last time I saw my ex-fiancé we were together for 6 weeks straight and went on vacation and that is when I finally realised that he was not what I was looking for and what my life would look like living with him...

 

That sort of thing worries me. We've spent about five weeks together at his place, and I didn't sense any problems. Still, it makes you wonder, you know?

 

I think you need to be straight with him that you feel like you have done all the travelling and that you feel done with the travelling and want to be closer to your family. If you matter to him he will take you into account and listen. If you're gonna make it work you both have to work together on this.

 

Hope you feel better soon...

 

Yeah, you guys are right about that. Thank you all.

[sweetjasmine]

One more thing I forgot: I have a week off, week after next. Normally during breaks my first priority is going out to see him and from there, going to see my family before heading back here. But this time, I just want to go see my family. I don't want to bust my butt going out there in part because I'm feeling resentful for him not making much of an effort to see me.

 

Is that petty? Because it sure feels like it.

[D-Lish]

One more thing I forgot: I have a week off, week after next. Normally during breaks my first priority is going out to see him and from there, going to see my family before heading back here. But this time, I just want to go see my family. I don't want to bust my butt going out there in part because I'm feeling resentful for him not making much of an effort to see me.

 

Is that petty? Because it sure feels like it.

 

No, it's not petty. If I was the one making the majority of the effort in a LDR, I'd get frustrated too.

 

100$ for a flight is pretty damn good- most people would have jumped at that and booked it if it was an important meeting.

[Rollercoasterr]

Please don't make excuses for him. The more you make excuses for him, the easier it becomes for it to be a habit.

 

If he wanted a job bad enough he'd go work at Mcdonalds or somewhere. But he isn't. You can continue to look for a job while you're working a crappy one. I worked at wal-mart for 9 months until I found the job I have now.

 

Prices may have gone lower, but how much could he have saved? Not much. If he really honestly wanted to come see you, 100-150 would have made him jump. They aren't going to give away international flights away for free, you know. Having it less than $100 would basically be like giving it away. Who do you think pays for the heightened security at airports? Consumers do.

 

I understand and realize that love makes people oblivious to a lot of things, and that we only get your side of the story here, but what you also need to realize is that if you're putting forth more effort than he is now(which you are), then it will continue to be that way and steadily get worse.

 

And it's not impossible to move to the US if you're doing the right thing. Marriage/fiance visas might be long and expensive, but it's actually a pretty straight forward and easy process. The paper work is difficult to fill out, but basically it's just a waiting game. It'll be the same for Canada. And if he ends up sponsoring you, know that he'll have to prove he can support you, which means he will have to make a certain amount of money(or have it in assets) to support you. Same for the US.

 

No money, no honey.

 

I am in no way saying that you need to dump him and run. All I'm saying is that you need to watch your situation. You need to have a long talk with him about his expectations. Will he always want you to put forth more effort? Is he actually willing to go through the visa process one day(that is what it will all boil down to)? Be as serious as you can and don't make excuses for him.

[sweetjasmine]

No, it's not petty. If I was the one making the majority of the effort in a LDR, I'd get frustrated too.

 

100$ for a flight is pretty damn good- most people would have jumped at that and booked it if it was an important meeting.

 

Sigh. Yeah.

 

Please don't make excuses for him. The more you make excuses for him, the easier it becomes for it to be a habit.

 

If he wanted a job bad enough he'd go work at Mcdonalds or somewhere. But he isn't. You can continue to look for a job while you're working a crappy one. I worked at wal-mart for 9 months until I found the job I have now.

 

He's working a crappy job, now, and it pays better than any McDonald's job would, but he hates it. He's worried that he's going to get stuck there for the rest of his life, which is pretty silly from my perspective. Still I can understand the desire to get out and get a real, stable job so we can get started with our lives.

 

Prices may have gone lower, but how much could he have saved? Not much.

 

That's another thing that's bothering me. If prices went down, it would've only been by about $50.

 

If he really honestly wanted to come see you, 100-150 would have made him jump. They aren't going to give away international flights away for free, you know. Having it less than $100 would basically be like giving it away. Who do you think pays for the heightened security at airports? Consumers do.

 

Yeah. And this would be a domestic flight within the US, btw. There are some commuter flights between our cities, and those are the ones which sometimes get really cheap the day before, depending on how full/empty they might be.

 

I understand and realize that love makes people oblivious to a lot of things, and that we only get your side of the story here, but what you also need to realize is that if you're putting forth more effort than he is now(which you are), then it will continue to be that way and steadily get worse.

 

I'm worried about that.

 

And it's not impossible to move to the US if you're doing the right thing.

 

Sorry, I guess I was unclear. We both live in the US and are citizens. The thing about Canada was him applying for a job there even though he's an American citizen.

 

Marriage/fiance visas might be long and expensive, but it's actually a pretty straight forward and easy process. The paper work is difficult to fill out, but basically it's just a waiting game. It'll be the same for Canada. And if he ends up sponsoring you, know that he'll have to prove he can support you, which means he will have to make a certain amount of money(or have it in assets) to support you. Same for the US.

 

That's the other thing. If he got that job in Canada and moved out there, would that mean I'd have to get engaged so he could sponsor me? I wouldn't want to rush into an engagement just because he decided to move to Canada for a freaking job. I want him to propose when we're both ready and when we both want it. Not out of necessity for emigration because he wanted to take a job in another country instead of continuing to look for one in the US.

 

Be as serious as you can and don't make excuses for him.

 

That's good advice, thank you.

[Rollercoasterr]

Well if you're both US citizens then I'm not sure how that would work. You don't get the same options that everyone else does. I would assume that if he's going to try and live up there for work then he would have to find an employer to sponsor him. If you want to go too, you'd have to do the same, or wait until he's a canadian citizen(or permanent resident, I'm not sure) and then have him petition to bring you up there. That route would literally take years and you would have to be married or engaged to be married.

[aerogurl87]

So you're both US citizens but he wants to try and get a job in Canada? May I ask why exactly? Other than money, what is making him apply for a job in another country, considering I'm guessing it'd be easier to find a job in a country you're already a citizen of, not to mention less expensive.

 

And domestic flights are nothing compared to international flights, I've found. With my ex, we could book a flight from North Carolina to Boston with a 3 night stay at a hotel for like $300-$400 usually. All it took was looking around some and it could be done. And so what he's working a crappy job? I hate my job for the most part but it's been paying the bills for 2 years and I'm sticking to it until I find something new. As the old saying goes "beggars can't be choosers".

[sweetjasmine]

Well if you're both US citizens then I'm not sure how that would work. You don't get the same options that everyone else does. I would assume that if he's going to try and live up there for work then he would have to find an employer to sponsor him. If you want to go too, you'd have to do the same, or wait until he's a canadian citizen(or permanent resident, I'm not sure) and then have him petition to bring you up there. That route would literally take years and you would have to be married or engaged to be married.

 

Yup.

 

I mentioned all that earlier tonight, and he hadn't thought about it. He said he's not going to apply for it, but he sounded pissed. I asked, and he said it was just frustrating to find out that one of the few jobs he was interested in isn't going to work out.

 

So you're both US citizens but he wants to try and get a job in Canada? May I ask why exactly? Other than money, what is making him apply for a job in another country, considering I'm guessing it'd be easier to find a job in a country you're already a citizen of, not to mention less expensive.

 

It was for a company with two offices in Canada and one in the US, doing stuff he's interested in.

 

So he said he won't apply for that, but when I brought up the rest of the stuff I mentioned in my OP...

 

 

The gist of it was that I don't understand the pressure he's under and how serious the situation is. And he's kind of right - I underestimated some things. He really does need to find a full-time decent job, or when student loans kick in, he's going to be in a bad situation.

 

As for the rest, he basically said he was sorry about the flight but that he has way more important things to worry about. And that all led him to start ranting about his situation and how he hates where he's at in life right now, but along the way, he managed to basically straight out say that his problems and his feelings are more important than mine right now. That he can't deal with my "petty BS", but wait, no, he doesn't mean that my problems aren't important or that they're petty, but he can't deal with it right now, but I shouldn't feel like I can't tell him about my problems or feelings, but he can't deal with it right now. That he really wanted to see me and could've used a break from all the BS going on in his life, but he has more important things to do than to get upset about it. And when I complain about my problems, he wonders wtf I'm complaining about since I have it easy, but wait, that doesn't mean that it isn't hard for me and he understands that. And so on and so forth.

 

I have no clue what to make of it. A lot of it was contradictory. I just know that a lot of what he said was very hurtful, and even though I told him that, he doesn't realize it yet. This is the first time he's ever said anything like this stuff. He's never been this insensitive. Ever. He said that until this huge job problem is solved, the uncertainty and pressure are going to be driving him crazy.

 

But where does that leave me? I can feel the resentment growing within me. I don't think he realizes how much damage he's caused. He says I need to toughen up a little for him, but in order to do that, I have to care less. And I'm starting to. I'm starting to forget things that I liked about him and find myself appreciating him less than I used to.

 

What a stupid, unnecessary mess. Things used to be fine. Sigh.

[aerogurl87]

As for the rest, he basically said he was sorry about the flight but that he has way more important things to worry about.

 

he managed to basically straight out say that his problems and his feelings are more important than mine right now.

 

This says it all OP. You're not a priority to him, and so he never really was looking for the price of the flights to go down. Why? Because he just didn't really care. You can continue to tell him your needs aren't being met until you run out of breath, but as long as he refuses to make you a priority, nothing is going to change. Yeah he was upset when he agreed to not try and apply for the job in Canada because you were interfering with what he wanted. Your wants at this point mean nothing to him, he's even told you this. Now maybe you can handle waiting around and seeing if his attitude will change, and maybe you'll be happy with that. But there's no guarantee he'll ever make you a priority in his life again, in fact the longer this goes on, the less the odds will become of him changing his mind.

[sweetjasmine]

This says it all OP. You're not a priority to him, and so he never really was looking for the price of the flights to go down.

 

I'm not a priority to him right now, but he actually was looking for the price to go down a little. The thing is that when it didn't work out, he wasn't all too upset about it because he has "more important" things to be upset about. He did want to see me, though.

 

You can continue to tell him your needs aren't being met until you run out of breath, but as long as he refuses to make you a priority, nothing is going to change.

 

Yeah, basically.

 

Yeah he was upset when he agreed to not try and apply for the job in Canada because you were interfering with what he wanted.

 

Well, he was irritated because he thought he might have had a shot at getting that job, and it's in something he's interested in. But he said when it came down to it, he'd rather pick me over a job. He did say a few times that he wasn't pissed off at me and that I should be honest with him about these things.

 

Your wants at this point mean nothing to him, he's even told you this.

 

But it's confusing. He basically said he has more important things to worry about than my feelings right now. But his ultimate goal is to get set up financially so he can buy us a house and take care of both of us. He says he's figuring me into all of his plans and that he can't imagine doing all of this without me.

 

But then he turns around and says all the crap he said last night.

 

So for about a year now, he's been talking about how his first goal is to get us together and then his long-term goal is to take care of me, and he still feels that way. But the past two weeks or so, he's been acting like an a-hole and hurting me along the way, even though he still says he just wants to be able to take care of me.

 

I guess I get where he's coming from, with the whole "male pride" thing where if you can't provide for your loved ones, you're a miserable failure. But he doesn't have to hurt my feelings.

 

Now maybe you can handle waiting around and seeing if his attitude will change, and maybe you'll be happy with that. But there's no guarantee he'll ever make you a priority in his life again, in fact the longer this goes on, the less the odds will become of him changing his mind.

 

I think it'll change if his prospects look better and he finds something. But my question is how much damage will have been done by that point? Am I going to think about how he called my problems "petty BS" every time I feel like I need to talk to him about something?

 

I told him last night that I didn't want to talk to him for at least a day so I could think and clear my mind. I don't know whether to bring up these issues now or wait or what.

[Romance]

I would be so irritated because I would have been so excited and counting down the days..then to find out he isn't coming would just crush me. I'd be so upset he didn't do everything in his power to see me.

[sweetjasmine]

Quick update: I didn't contact him all day, and we both pretty much spent the day thinking. When I contacted him, we ended up having a long talk. He brought it up first and said he was really sorry about yesterday, that he said some truly terrible things to me and that I don't deserve that. He said he was wrong about a lot of things and that his perspective was totally out of whack. That my problems are just as important as his and that he was being an insensitive, mean a-hole. I told him how it had made me feel, and he apologized for hurting me like that. He also apologized again about the flight.

 

I feel better about the whole thing. I mean, it's not entirely fixed, but I don't feel angry anymore. I just worry that it might happen again because I don't think I would be able to handle it and I think it'd ruin our relationship. Like I told him, he needs to learn how to cope better with this kind of stress because it's not healthy for him to act that way and it's not healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone who acts that way. He can't take his frustrations out on me, and we both know that. He's been seeing a counselor lately, so he's going to bring it up next session. Hopefully that'll help.