hurt, he still has feelings for ex-wife, wants to give it a second chance..

March 13, 2010

For several years I have been dating, and refusing to settle, had never find someone who was truly right for me, until about 5 months ago. I met someone who was special, it was synergy, we communicated well, had a great time together, clicked on a intellectual level, physical, emotional, etc, the best fit I’ve ever had and vice versa. He thought I was his soulmate. And unfortunately, he wasn’t yet a year about of being divorced…red flag.

He assured me he was past the divorce, had dated around, had the rebounds, that he realized his ex-wife was a poor fit, that he had settled and become depressed until he decided to seek marriage counseling on his own, got into therapy and realized that he wanted a divorce, she amically agreed to it. They were married 5 years, together total of 10. They decided to remain friends afterwards…red flag.

Now, we started as friends but just developed into something much more meaningful, it took us both by surprise how suited we were for each other…neither of us planned on it. Basically, I started noticing changes in his behavior and the turns out she became very jealous/threatened by me and started emailing him/talking to him about how she still had feelings for him, even though she’s is involved seriously with someone. I think this feelings are normal. However, he confessed to having met up with her a couple of times…realizing that he was jealous of her new partner and felt that he still had feelings too. When I found out, I offered him time and space to figure out his unresolved feelings…I cannot deny or compete with a 10 yr emotional bond and and realize he still has a ton of emotional baggage. I was nonetheless hurt, wasn’t surprised, I just felt mislead as to how available he was since he assured me he was over her, how unhappy he was with her, how much he’s improved since leaving her. He also informed me that when they divorced, they decided to leave all options on the table. In hindsight, it sounds less like a divorce and more like a seperation, but the divorce decree gave him carte blanche to do anything (just my opinion). Had I known they left "options" on the table along with knowing they they still talked as friends, I wouldn't have come anywhere close to him....I feel horribly mislead as to how emotionally available he was despite trying to ask the right question.

Now he thinks that the marriage could have worked given who he has become now. He said they she never did anything wrong in the marriage that he was the mean, angry one until he got help. Well, his attempt at reconciliation didn’t last long as both of their true colors showed again and nasty words were exchanged and he realized it was over and was scared that I had left him and said it was completely over, done deal, unresolved feelings were resolved and that he realized being “friends” with the ex-wife was NOT a good idea as I had suggested. I cautiously took him back, but that that he had finally processed the crux of his divorce, realizing that the failed relationship in the past was just that, in the past. We lasted only a few more weeks after this as she started emailing again telling him how she still had feelings for him wanted to be with him, which of course doesn’t give him a change to heal or become emotionally unplugged from her.

The truth in my opinion, the only reason the marriage occurred survived as long as it DID in the first place is become when he was acting less than himself the disparity between the two was less obvious. She is a poor fit, in his own words and in the opinion of his old friends from home. I know who she is, think she is a very nice girl, but inferior to him and that he's having a hard time letting go of the idea that 10 years are gone down the drain.. I wasn’t threatened by her presence initially because even I saw how poor of a fit she was all on levels, even he admitted he had settled for her. Unfortunately, I realize he wasn't telling me the whole truth, othersiwe I wouldn't be left so confused as to why he was ever want to go back to her, based on the things HE told me. He was unhappy as he wasn’t living up to his full potential until he decided to get help and leave and has been so happy since then and made major improvements.

I know he is confused and has a lot of soul searching to do and told him to take space/time for himself to look at everything objectively. Both he and I see such a potential in our future that we both know this break is the right thing to do if we ever have a real shot in the future. The issue, and what I’ve having a hard time is the ex-wife is not as emotionally mature and will continue to “hook” him with these emails and in doing so, this break will be ineffective as he will never move past these emotional provocations on her part in order to objectively see their relationship. I see that HE is also wanting to revisit this just as much and I have to put some of hte blame on him. Of course he’s still going to have feelings after 10 years with someone but as long as he keeps revisiting them with her, he will never be able to remove himself from what was an unhealthy marriage. It hurts so much to know that we are so right, but that she is interfering with his recovery AND that he is letting her. I know it won’t last if he revisits that marriage, I would never be okay with feeling like his backup but how do I deal with this INTENSE pain and hurt? What can I do? What is your advice in this situation? I feel like I’m fighting an unfair fight so I just cut him off cold-turkey, even though he wanted to remain in contact….it hurts me too much.

I did end up email him a few days later..several...as I had so much raw emotion and hurt that I feel are because of him. It's not fair, I feel like he is being dismissive about what he's done...and I feel that I have been drug threw the mud emotiaonlly. I reading everything I can get my hands on, journaling, talking with friends, trying to realize that I need to just move on...but I can't. I even took the low road and sent a very hateful, vindictive email (which I knew I'd regret) and I'm sure it did damage...but I was kind of hoping that it would do permanent damage so that HE would at least cut me off so I woudl avoid the temptation to hang on. I'd tell ANYONE in this situation to move on...but it's so different when i'm the victim....I need to hear from anyone in this siutiona, especially if you are the man...since he won't tell me the truth...you tell me.

Signed Unfair Fight

March 13, 2010

For several years I have been dating, and refusing to settle, had never find someone who was truly right for me, until about 5 months ago. I met someone who was special, it was synergy, we communicated well, had a great time together, clicked on a intellectual level, physical, emotional, etc, the best fit I’ve ever had and vice versa. He thought I was his soulmate. And unfortunately, he wasn’t yet a year about of being divorced…red flag.
He assured me he was past the divorce, had dated around, had the rebounds, that he realized his ex-wife was a poor fit, that he had settled and become depressed until he decided to seek marriage counseling on his own, got into therapy and realized that he wanted a divorce, she amically agreed to it. They were married 5 years, together total of 10. They decided to remain friends afterwards…red flag.
Now, we started as friends but just developed into something much more meaningful, it took us both by surprise how suited we were for each other…neither of us planned on it. Basically, I started noticing changes in his behavior and the turns out she became very jealous/threatened by me and started emailing him/talking to him about how she still had feelings for him, even though she’s is involved seriously with someone. I think this feelings are normal. However, he confessed to having met up with her a couple of times…realizing that he was jealous of her new partner and felt that he still had feelings too. When I found out, I offered him time and space to figure out his unresolved feelings…I cannot deny or compete with a 10 yr emotional bond and and realize he still has a ton of emotional baggage. I was nonetheless hurt, wasn’t surprised, I just felt mislead as to how available he was since he assured me he was over her, how unhappy he was with her, how much he’s improved since leaving her. He also informed me that when they divorced, they decided to leave all options on the table. In hindsight, it sounds less like a divorce and more like a seperation, but the divorce decree gave him carte blanche to do anything (just my opinion). Had I known they left "options" on the table along with knowing they they still talked as friends, I wouldn't have come anywhere close to him....I feel horribly mislead as to how emotionally available he was despite trying to ask the right question.
Now he thinks that the marriage could have worked given who he has become now. He said they she never did anything wrong in the marriage that he was the mean, angry one until he got help. Well, his attempt at reconciliation didn’t last long as both of their true colors showed again and nasty words were exchanged and he realized it was over and was scared that I had left him and said it was completely over, done deal, unresolved feelings were resolved and that he realized being “friends” with the ex-wife was NOT a good idea as I had suggested. I cautiously took him back, but that that he had finally processed the crux of his divorce, realizing that the failed relationship in the past was just that, in the past. We lasted only a few more weeks after this as she started emailing again telling him how she still had feelings for him wanted to be with him, which of course doesn’t give him a change to heal or become emotionally unplugged from her.
The truth in my opinion, the only reason the marriage occurred survived as long as it DID in the first place is become when he was acting less than himself the disparity between the two was less obvious. She is a poor fit, in his own words and in the opinion of his old friends from home. I know who she is, think she is a very nice girl, but inferior to him and that he's having a hard time letting go of the idea that 10 years are gone down the drain.. I wasn’t threatened by her presence initially because even I saw how poor of a fit she was all on levels, even he admitted he had settled for her. Unfortunately, I realize he wasn't telling me the whole truth, othersiwe I wouldn't be left so confused as to why he was ever want to go back to her, based on the things HE told me. He was unhappy as he wasn’t living up to his full potential until he decided to get help and leave and has been so happy since then and made major improvements.
I know he is confused and has a lot of soul searching to do and told him to take space/time for himself to look at everything objectively. Both he and I see such a potential in our future that we both know this break is the right thing to do if we ever have a real shot in the future. The issue, and what I’ve having a hard time is the ex-wife is not as emotionally mature and will continue to “hook” him with these emails and in doing so, this break will be ineffective as he will never move past these emotional provocations on her part in order to objectively see their relationship. I see that HE is also wanting to revisit this just as much and I have to put some of hte blame on him. Of course he’s still going to have feelings after 10 years with someone but as long as he keeps revisiting them with her, he will never be able to remove himself from what was an unhealthy marriage. It hurts so much to know that we are so right, but that she is interfering with his recovery AND that he is letting her. I know it won’t last if he revisits that marriage, I would never be okay with feeling like his backup but how do I deal with this INTENSE pain and hurt? What can I do? What is your advice in this situation? I feel like I’m fighting an unfair fight so I just cut him off cold-turkey, even though he wanted to remain in contact….it hurts me too much.
I did end up email him a few days later..several...as I had so much raw emotion and hurt that I feel are because of him. It's not fair, I feel like he is being dismissive about what he's done...and I feel that I have been drug threw the mud emotiaonlly. I reading everything I can get my hands on, journaling, talking with friends, trying to realize that I need to just move on...but I can't. I even took the low road and sent a very hateful, vindictive email (which I knew I'd regret) and I'm sure it did damage...but I was kind of hoping that it would do permanent damage so that HE would at least cut me off so I woudl avoid the temptation to hang on. I'd tell ANYONE in this situation to move on...but it's so different when i'm the victim....I need to hear from anyone in this siutiona, especially if you are the man...since he won't tell me the truth...you tell me.
Signed Unfair Fight

Sorry you are going thru this mess....

Just one thing - are you in love with him?

March 13, 2010

Sorry you are going thru this mess....

Just one thing - are you in love with him?

The truth, yes...as much I don't want to admit, but yes...which is what makes it so difficult to just "move on"

March 13, 2010

The truth, yes...as much I don't want to admit, but yes...which is what makes it so difficult to just "move on"

Right - thank you for answering sincerely hun

If you ask most of the people here they would advise you to move on, NC, erasing & blocking him from FB freinds list, not taking his calls, and there'll be spams advising you to read books about getting your ex-back for 13.99$ & toy kit woteva

If you ask me, I think you are the lucky one and the winner in this case whileas (we do not know yet tho) he's the candidate for looser (if he is not in love with this other woman). You are lucky you experienced "being in love" and if he doesn't act fast and do something to get a person like you he'll be the one who lost

In practice, I would say you are the one to relieve the stress among you two right now. Be cool, keep on living your own life, if he contacts you allow him to do so. Relieve the tension and the stress & all that. Talk to him, communicate. Go with the flow. Continue giving love a chance, if you are still in love with him do not deny it. Go on with your life, live it fully , see friends, visit family, do trips overseas, at short do whatever you love to do. If you are still in love with him in 1 month, 6 months a year, a lifetime so wot? That is the greatest thing to happen to you.

Set him free, I know this is classic but if he comes back to you than probably he was always yours. If he doesn't and you are still in love with him, well that is called life and that makes you the lucky one and I'm sorry for the bloke but he is a looser (if he has not find love before you guys met)...

Last but not least, from your bloke's perpective, if he is in love with her (the ex) and the love is mutual (she in love with him as well) than there is nothing much you can do. In this case I would say shame on him for playing with you and giving you so much grief. Because a man can not be in love with two woman at the same time. That is way out of order as far as he is concerned. If he is in love with his ex, you were a mistake or whatever you want to call it.

To conclude, if you still in love with him after all this in this case you are a great woman with a great heart truly in love as to be glad to see that he is happy. Believe me there no such feeling on earth as to see the man you truly love being happy with someone else - if you are truly in love with him. Meanwile, live your life to the fullest, if there are moments you remember and think about him, let it be. don't be afraid of it, face it, you are in love with him. It doesn't make you an idiot or a looser living on the breadcrumbs he's to offer like most people would think. Makes you a mature woman with a great heart able to love someone .

Never ever stop believing in love, who knows one day you meet that guy of your life...the one and only. The guy who will love you till the end of time....and in that case don't push him away because you are still in love with this person.... reward his love. Give love another chance.

We need hearts like yours beating on this earth.... Without you, I swear it would be hell on here.

Thanks for being in love and welcome to the heartbreak hotel.

Have a funtastic w/e hun xx

March 13, 2010

Hi - I am a man, but in your position, same situation if you read my post(s).

They decided to remain friends afterwards…red flag.

They remained friends and he relentlessly pursued "why cant we reconcile". Her actions confused him - her words said NO her actions said maybe. Like inviting him to stay overnight at her place on Xmas eve, come on vacation to Mexico, etc.

However, he confessed to having met up with her a couple of times…realizing that he was jealous of her new partner and felt that he still had feelings too.

Yup, she broke into tears when he had a couple of GF's. Talk about a crazy message to send him.

I was nonetheless hurt, wasn’t surprised, I just felt mislead as to how available he was since he assured me he was over her, how unhappy he was with her, how much he’s improved since leaving her.

This is the real issue, I'm sorry to say both of us were deeply mislead about what was really happening, what the truth of his/her feelings towards the EX were. There was likely a lot going on behind the scene.

.

Now he thinks that the marriage could have worked given who he has become now.

Yup, she had regrets - "if I had only...".

She is a poor fit, in his own words and in the opinion of his old friends from home. Unfortunately, I realize he wasn't telling me the whole truth, othersiwe I wouldn't be left so confused as to why he was ever want to go back to her, based on the things HE told me.

Yup, he was terrible - at first. Then as she said she set the bar pretty low after their separation. Then he looked OK because he wasnt coming home drunk or disappearing like he used to. So the killer things in their relationship were not evident. And he was OK again.

It hurts so much to know that we are so right, but that she is interfering with his recovery AND that he is letting her. I know it won’t last if he revisits that marriage, I would never be okay with feeling like his backup but how do I deal with this INTENSE pain and hurt? What can I do? What is your advice in this situation? I feel like I’m fighting an unfair fight so I just cut him off cold-turkey, even though he wanted to remain in contact….it hurts me too much.

Its not her, it is him. He is letting it happen and deserves NC. He doesnt want to let go of both you and his exW. I told my ex that I would not share her and I will never ever be able to be just friends. She cried she didnt want to lose me but in the end she chose to end it - without being completely honest that it was largely the exH influence.

I am NC with her and I feel 1000 times better than I did 45 days ago. If she can treat me this way then it is only a matter of time before the next guy comes along that will steal her away. If it is true for you that he is making a mistake then he will find out.

The N/C certainly puts pressure on him to find out quick before you have fully moved on.

Also, and maybe it makes you feel a little better about a positive outcome with him, N/C does have the "mystery" impact on him - meaning "I wonder what she is doing/thinking". You cant make someone love you the way you want them to and in the timing you want. They need to want it. And NC protects you from the hurt and makes him think. But work on the NC for you - not for the getting him to come back reason.

Best of luck.

March 16, 2010

Thanks Digg,

You have the perfect advice and I'm gonna take it...I'm glad it happened, not sad that's over...and I'm going to be happy for him either way. I'll just chalk it up to a live's lesson. I can't force anyone to be with me if they don't want to.

March 16, 2010

Thanks for input JerryTodd,

I appreciated you sharing you story, it helps to know I'm not alone. I'm on NC now and it's only been a few days but it feels freeing as you said. It finally doesn't hurt as much and I'm realzing a lot about the situation as I remove myself further and further each day. Glad to hear that you feel better after 45 days. I look forward to that time as well and sorry you had to go through this as well.

March 16, 2010

Thank you nowomannocry,

You are quite the emotionally evolved being. I appreciate your perspective and it's refreshing. At least I experience, right?

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hurt, he still has feelings for ex-wife, wants to give it a second chance..

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