I'm Never Going Out Again...

[USMCHokie]

It's a slump, Hokey. Even attractive people - men and women - have them. I think the slump analogy is fitting, because they say that when a hitter thinks about what he's doing too much, that's when he starts whiffing at pitches. It's when you can relax and just do what you set out to do that you break out of the slump.

 

The other part of the problem may be that you're trying to start up a romance in a way that really doesn't seem natural to you. Surely you can relate to the analogy of choosing your own battlefield, eh? I think the same applies in dating. There are some people who function well in bars and noisy chatty environments; others, myself included, do not. Find a place that allows you to be you.

 

It's all in your head, man. Trust me. It's hard to see that now, but that's what it is.

 

 

Well, to be perfectly honest, there isn't really a natural way for me to start a romance...my last relationship was with someone I went to school with 8 years ago who I had randomly reconnected with via Facebook...I've never actually been successful or natural in any sort of dating battlefield...

[USMCHokie]

Thanks everyone for your kind words...

 

 

I had a nice drunken chat by the bonfire tonight with my best friend who I'm visiting...I asked him about this...I told him that I can't even bring home a drunk girl like the common douche can...he told me that he knew that that isn't the kind of girl that I wanted...and he's right...I am the last person who would ever want a random bar hookup...but I just want something to get my ex out of my head...and everyone seems to think that going through a period of meaningless hookups has helped them move on...but then he said that I need to stop comparing myself to the mass douchebaggery that is out there...

 

I don't know...it's just frustrating...

[skydiveaddict]

I'm with you . meaningless hookups are just that. bonfires are cool however

Edited March 14, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[ADF]

When you mentioned "the dance floor, " I immediately felt I knew what might be the problem.

 

What you need to keep in mind is that dance clubs are, for the most part, hostile, predatory, attitude-rich venues. They are full of arrogant, aggressive, posturing, poseurs. Not all clubs, perhaps, but a shockingly high number of them. They aren't about fun; they're about attitude.

 

Try meeting women in a venue where being a jerk is not the standard posture. You might be pleasantly surprised.

[Barky]

I am the last person who would ever want a random bar hookup...

 

Well then no wonder you can't get laid. I'm always suspicious of men who don't like random hookups. Very woman-like, IMHO. Like men who are "just friends," and okay with it, with women. Closet gays? I don't know.

 

I'll take any hookup with any moderately attractive or better woman, unless I work with her in which case it's hands-off. And I don't hang out with chicks unless I'm banging them, which means no "just friends." And I don't hang out with dudes. Which means whenever I'm with someone in a social setting, I'm with a chick I'm screwing. And I'm usually screwing 2-3 chicks at a time. Follow those rules and your loneliness will vanish.

[marsle85]

Or maybe a nice little alter boy that the priest is done with :bunny:

 

 

Face it Homer, you're a sicko. ;)Because stuff like that never happens.

 

God help you.

[Explorer]

I'm tired of going out and being left wondering what the hell the mass douchebaggery has that I don't. I'm tired of going up to the dance floor and having girls look at me in disgust and leave because I showed up. I'm tired of wasting girls' time talking to them.

 

I'm tired of consuming a few drinks, then actually thinking a girl would be interested, then realizing how stupid I was for thinking a girl would be interested, and then spending the rest of the evening pissed off at the world for dealing me such a sh*tty hand.

 

I'm beginning to feel that my ex is the only girl that was stupid enough to date me...it was a fluke...and that was my one taste of a relationship...

 

 

So I pledge that from this moment on, I will not place myself in any sort of social situation that involves a female.

 

I have a feeling all of these thoughts are projecting on the women you are approaching

[sagetalk]

You sound like a girl , man up. Most guys would revoke your man card for that kind of whining.

[sally4sara]

I looked at your picture; you are nice looking. Symmetrical and of good build.

 

I live in the area you do, the club scene is not the best for picking up women in your age group. Too many over indulged college kids.

And despite the diversity of this area's population, I hate to say it but it really seems like the different ethnic groups here do not like to mix with others very much. I don't normally promote segregating yourself to your ethnic group, but you will likely find better success looking for activities and clubs with this in mind.

Keep your head up; it will get better.

[bananaboat11]

KC... don't be discouraged. We've ALL been there... including myself. And supposedly I'm this awesome guy (ALMOST as awesome as YOU)... yes, I said it in 100% sincerity and honesty.

 

You'll be coming up to visit me once UMass' Spring Break period is over and we'll go out.

 

Keep your chin up, man.

[amerikajin]

Well, to be perfectly honest, there isn't really a natural way for me to start a romance...my last relationship was with someone I went to school with 8 years ago who I had randomly reconnected with via Facebook...I've never actually been successful or natural in any sort of dating battlefield...

 

Of course there's a natural way: it's whatever way you feel comfortable picking someone up. For some people, it's going to a bar; for others, it's meeting someone at a coffee shop. Some people meet through work or through involvement in organizations; some couples just meet by chance. It's whatever way you feel comfortable doing it. If it feels natural, go with it. If it doesn't, if it feels forced, then don't. It's really that simple.

 

Maybe a lot of this is just the timing. You're still trying to process things from your previous relationship, which is always going to complicate things until you can move on. I think that you ought to start trying to work through some of the things that happened in your last relationship before thinking about another.

 

On that note, a lot of people talk about "closure". I don't know if people who get dumped ever get the kind of closure that they seek. People want a rational explanation for why things happen or don't happen in relationships, but too often there just isn't any. Whatever closure you find has to be your own.

 

In my view, aside from the lifelong relationships of family and those few chosen friends that we have, most relationships are not permanent - and that goes for romances. Life is like a really long train ride. We get on somewhere, we get off somewhere. In between is our journey. People join us on our journey, and they often end up leaving us to continue their own journey. Come to peace with that. Appreciate the time that you've had together, and accept that they've moved on. You don't always have to know why unless there's some sort of deeper level of dysfunction that is harming all of your relationships. As they say in the 12-step program: change the things that you can change, accept what you cannot change, and may the forces that be give you the wisdom to understand the difference between the two.

 

Let's go, man. You've got a whole lotta livin left to do.

[Silver_star]

I'm tired of going out and being left wondering what the hell the mass douchebaggery has that I don't. I'm tired of going up to the dance floor and having girls look at me in disgust and leave because I showed up. I'm tired of wasting girls' time talking to them.

 

I'm tired of consuming a few drinks, then actually thinking a girl would be interested, then realizing how stupid I was for thinking a girl would be interested, and then spending the rest of the evening pissed off at the world for dealing me such a sh*tty hand.

 

I'm beginning to feel that my ex is the only girl that was stupid enough to date me...it was a fluke...and that was my one taste of a relationship...

 

 

So I pledge that from this moment on, I will not place myself in any sort of social situation that involves a female.

 

 

That is all.

 

Have a good evening.

 

Allright if thats the attitude you want to have...seems a little destructive though. Try not going to bars so much to meet women. Try a house party or a friends of friends situation instead..it may work better for you.

[boogieboy]

Thanks everyone for your kind words...

 

 

I had a nice drunken chat by the bonfire tonight with my best friend who I'm visiting...I asked him about this...I told him that I can't even bring home a drunk girl like the common douche can...he told me that he knew that that isn't the kind of girl that I wanted...and he's right...I am the last person who would ever want a random bar hookup...but I just want something to get my ex out of my head...and everyone seems to think that going through a period of meaningless hookups has helped them move on...but then he said that I need to stop comparing myself to the mass douchebaggery that is out there...

 

I don't know...it's just frustrating...

 

You dont have to compare yourself to the massive douchebags out there, youre better than them. The problem in the bars and clubs is that women are so screwed up by the douchebags using them, they many times are greatful for someone who treats them well, even if he starts off as a douchebag.

 

Be careful though, young girls are looking for adonis's, and you have to accurately rate yourself to know which women wont blow you off for a muscleboy. If youre a 7, you have to go for 6's or 5's. You can play the numbers to see which 8 or 9 will find you funny, but many women date up from their league, and those are the guys they stay sexually attracted to. If you can deal with women more your age, you'll find are looking for something better.

 

You start talking to them as if youre passing them and they seemed interesting to talk to. Like something you noticed about them while youre walking by. If you know how to talk to them, then when you go up to them, dont go straight up to them, they see you coming. Just start a conversation with a general question, dont ask anything personal, dont introduce yourself, dont ask her name, or where shes from. She'll give that info out eventually if you seem interesting to her. forget the dance floor, if youre not really good looking or a great dancer, its pointless. You can easily talk up girl in pairs and address them all in a fun way, and tease the one you like. You will have to eventually pull her away with a rouse, but thats the game in the club. You have to be in with all her friends as well. Get it?

 

If youre at work, and you go out to lunch, best place to chat up women is on line, on the way to lunch, whatever. You approach them in the same way. Matter of factly.

 

Once you start trying these things, and noticing the results, and how easy it is, believe me, it helps you get over your ex quick.

Edited March 15, 2010 by boogieboy

[silic0ntoad]

Trying to pick up girls at a bar worth any substance is an exercise in futility.

 

I go to the bar to get out and chill with my friends. I couldn't care less about the eye candy, because to me, I'd rather not try to find a meaningful relationship at a bar or club.

 

Just go to chill.

[DustySaltus]

Hokie, there's no "right" way to meet someone. I met a girl I was with for almost 6 years while working at home depot. She was trying to grab a bag of soil outside and the bag ripped open and soil fell all over her.....that's how we met.

 

If you go out and have a look of defeat on your face before you even start your night, that's a problem. No one is saying that you need to be a ball of sunshine all the time either but there needs to be a balance. I know you probably look around and see couples everywhere. Just like when we are in a relationship with someone we see single women everywhere.

 

It's not about where or when. Most importantly it's being OPEN to it.

 

I got out there and dated too quickly after my breakup. I was trying to fill a void. That was a mistake and it took a lot of time and self-reflection to realize that. Just be yourself and confident and everything else will fall into place when you least expected it. I'm not trying to blow sunshine or bs here, it's the honest truth. You're going through a rough patch right now but things shall turn around.

[USMCHokie]

You sound like a girl , man up. Most guys would revoke your man card for that kind of whining.

 

 

I know...I really need to avoid LS after a night of drinking...

[USMCHokie]

Trying to pick up girls at a bar worth any substance is an exercise in futility.

 

I go to the bar to get out and chill with my friends. I couldn't care less about the eye candy, because to me, I'd rather not try to find a meaningful relationship at a bar or club.

 

Just go to chill.

 

 

I am beginning to totally agree with this...and the funny thing is, when I go out to the bars with my married buddies, it is JUST to chill...and it is usually more fun that way...but when I go out to the bars with my single friends, there's always that lingering pressure and/or expectation to meet women...because that's what they do...

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, there's no "right" way to meet someone. I met a girl I was with for almost 6 years while working at home depot. She was trying to grab a bag of soil outside and the bag ripped open and soil fell all over her.....that's how we met.

 

If you go out and have a look of defeat on your face before you even start your night, that's a problem. No one is saying that you need to be a ball of sunshine all the time either but there needs to be a balance. I know you probably look around and see couples everywhere. Just like when we are in a relationship with someone we see single women everywhere.

 

It's not about where or when. Most importantly it's being OPEN to it.

 

I got out there and dated too quickly after my breakup. I was trying to fill a void. That was a mistake and it took a lot of time and self-reflection to realize that. Just be yourself and confident and everything else will fall into place when you least expected it. I'm not trying to blow sunshine or bs here, it's the honest truth. You're going through a rough patch right now but things shall turn around.

 

 

Thanks Dusty, I appreciate your support through all this...and I know you're not one to blow sunshine...as you would probably expect the same of me...

 

Yes, I agree that it's not something that can be forced or manipulated, and that you have to be open to the chances that come, in whatever manner they come...I know people say that you have to let love come to you...but at the same time, you can't sit idly by and wait for it to arrive at your doorstep...there's some degree of initiative involved, yes...?

 

I'm just afraid I'll fall back into the same hole I was in several years back where I kept so close to myself that I didn't give anyone a chance to even see me...

[USMCHokie]

I looked at your picture; you are nice looking. Symmetrical and of good build.

 

I live in the area you do, the club scene is not the best for picking up women in your age group. Too many over indulged college kids.

And despite the diversity of this area's population, I hate to say it but it really seems like the different ethnic groups here do not like to mix with others very much. I don't normally promote segregating yourself to your ethnic group, but you will likely find better success looking for activities and clubs with this in mind.

Keep your head up; it will get better.

 

 

Thanks...

 

I've played the race card all my life...and it's been hard trying to let go...funny thing is, I've never really had any friends or acquaintances who belonged to my ethnic group...and if I find myself in a room filled with them, I start to freak out and immediately run for the door...

 

But I agree, it's a tough town... Why would they settle for someone different when there's plenty of their own to choose from, right...?

[USMCHokie]

Of course there's a natural way: it's whatever way you feel comfortable picking someone up. For some people, it's going to a bar; for others, it's meeting someone at a coffee shop. Some people meet through work or through involvement in organizations; some couples just meet by chance. It's whatever way you feel comfortable doing it. If it feels natural, go with it. If it doesn't, if it feels forced, then don't. It's really that simple.

 

Maybe a lot of this is just the timing. You're still trying to process things from your previous relationship, which is always going to complicate things until you can move on. I think that you ought to start trying to work through some of the things that happened in your last relationship before thinking about another.

 

On that note, a lot of people talk about "closure". I don't know if people who get dumped ever get the kind of closure that they seek. People want a rational explanation for why things happen or don't happen in relationships, but too often there just isn't any. Whatever closure you find has to be your own.

 

In my view, aside from the lifelong relationships of family and those few chosen friends that we have, most relationships are not permanent - and that goes for romances. Life is like a really long train ride. We get on somewhere, we get off somewhere. In between is our journey. People join us on our journey, and they often end up leaving us to continue their own journey. Come to peace with that. Appreciate the time that you've had together, and accept that they've moved on. You don't always have to know why unless there's some sort of deeper level of dysfunction that is harming all of your relationships. As they say in the 12-step program: change the things that you can change, accept what you cannot change, and may the forces that be give you the wisdom to understand the difference between the two.

 

Let's go, man. You've got a whole lotta livin left to do.

 

 

At this point, I don't know whether it's my previous relationship or my own neurosis that's messing me up...I'd like to think that thoughts of my ex aren't affecting how I approach women...

 

And everything seems forced right now...maybe because I feel like I'm in such a hurry to "move on"...it's hard to be patient...

[sigurpol]

I find myself going through the same cycle actually, haha.

 

And each time I tell myself, not to get so angry about it, and try to enjoy the night. Doesn't always work, though!

 

Basically, I feel what you're saying.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I find myself going through the same cycle actually, haha.

 

And each time I tell myself, not to get so angry about it, and try to enjoy the night. Doesn't always work, though!

 

Basically, I feel what you're saying.

 

Me three! I'm tired of failed dating................

[sagetalk]

I know...I really need to avoid LS after a night of drinking...

 

Don't blame the booze, look in the mirror. Every guy gets like that every once in awhile, but don't give it life by spreading it around. Kill it right when you think it.

[desertmoon]

Thanks...

 

I've played the race card all my life...and it's been hard trying to let go...funny thing is, I've never really had any friends or acquaintances who belonged to my ethnic group...and if I find myself in a room filled with them, I start to freak out and immediately run for the door...

 

But I agree, it's a tough town... Why would they settle for someone different when there's plenty of their own to choose from, right...?

 

Are you southeast Asian? Singaporean? Vietnamese? Just curious. Don't have to answer.

[USMCHokie]

Are you southeast Asian? Singaporean? Vietnamese? Just curious. Don't have to answer.

 

 

No, just your average neighborhood chinaman. My parents were from Malaysia.