GoodOnPaper Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 When a guy doesn't have dating options and feels he has no control over it, it's easy to convince himself that any life with someone -- even if the passion is only luke-warm -- is better than being lonely all the time. It sounds like now the OP is simply discovering that he could have some control over his love life. Given how long he's known his wife, though, friendship/companionship ties probably make things complicated. It's like he has ripped the band-aid halfway off -- enough to get some of his feelings out but safe enough to avoid the upheaval that could result from ripping the band-aid completely off. By the way, gotta love males being stigmatized for having too little sexual experience. Now I need to get back to reading the threads about how women with "too much" experience shouldn't have it held against them . . .
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I don't see this about weight so much as I do about a mismatch of growth and development. If one part of a couple grows, changes and evolves past what they were and the other half of the couple stagnates and stays the same - the marriage is doomed, whether it be about weight, motivation, career, or what not. In this case, I'm afraid it is only a matter of time before emotional divorce kicks in, and the legal one may or may not follow - but whether it is on paper or not, the marriage is pretty much over.
Samantha0905 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 One of my friends went from 220lbs @ 4'11" (female) to becoming a professional figure model. The transformation took place over a couple of years. Her ex-husband is about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 if I were to rate him. Once she transformed, she was so proud of her body and began to see herself as sexy. Then she didn't find him so sexy when 9s and 10s started making passes at her. I'm not saying any of this is right -- I'm just saying it happens when a partner makes a drastic physical change for the better. I imagine it's more of a problem if the new and improved spouse is married to an out of shape spouse. I don't know if it's shallow or not, but I know I would prefer my spouse to be fit. I would understand completely if there were some medical condition or something that went on that made them not as attractive, but if they are fully able of keeping themselves at a healthy weight -- it seems they would be inspired to do so. I keep myself in good shape. I want my partner to do the same.
Skump Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Your wife doesn't owe you anything. She certainly doesn't owe you to improve her looks just because you did. Bullsh*t. Spouses have a moral obligation to keep themselves in good physical condition within the limits of physical possibility and practicality. What's the moral alternative? "Hey, sure, I could work out and reshape my disgusting fat ass into something approximating human proportions, but no, F*CK YOU HONEY, I'd rather wash down cheetos with tears of self-pity." - that's the attitude of a spouse who won't hit the gym, shorn of lies and rhetoric.
spriggig Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 ...Where as a man wouldn't be as accepting of weight on their wives. JMO. Women think it's about weight and men stand around and say "Huh?" It's not about weight, it's about confidence. Your man doesn't tell you how good you look, how much you mean to him and he doesn't bring you flowers anymore. It's not that he doesn't love you dearly, it's that he doesn't know you need to hear it, see it and feel it constantly to maintain the connection. Women, get the book "How to Light His Fire" and get your man "How to Light Her Fire". These books should be required reading for every couple.
Lizzie60 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Be careful what you wish for... I once gained weight when I quit smoking.. I hated myself.. my ex never told me to lose the weight though.. so it's a little different.. but he never said that he loved me with the extra pounds either. So.. when I started exercising and dieting.. I lost all the weight and a little more.. The only place I didn't lose was my breast size (that had gone way up - from a small C to a big DD).. I had an amazing body... he then became extremely jealous.. and we had numerous fights because of his jealousy.. he couldn't stand other men looking at me.. Just saying..
xxoo Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Bullsh*t. Spouses have a moral obligation to keep themselves in good physical condition within the limits of physical possibility and practicality. I think you might have an argument if she had been fitter when they married, and then gained a ton of weight. But this couple has only been married 4 months. She is exactly as she was when they married, only now it is not good enough. It is completely unfair to marry someone, and then claim they have a "moral obligation" to change into someone completely different. I think the kindest thing this guy can do is divorce is wife. She deserves to be loved for who she is. How ironic it will be if this guy ends up with someone who only loves him for his looks, and dumps him when he ages badly.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I'm just wondering if your plan is to work your way up the scale gradually ??? If your wife is a 4, will your next temporary relationship be with a 6? While you keep your eye out for an 8? Mr. Lucky
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I'm just wondering if your plan is to work your way up the scale gradually ??? If your wife is a 4, will your next temporary relationship be with a 6? While you keep your eye out for an 8? Mr. Lucky Maybe it will.... Why however all this hostility and negativity when someone is being honest? The OP was not derogatory in his post, just shared his opinion and asked for advise. Maybe we don't agree, but that is his choice and does not necessarily make him a terrible person, does it?
spriggig Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Maybe it will.... Why however all this hostility and negativity when someone is being honest? The OP was not derogatory in his post, just shared his opinion and asked for advise. Maybe we don't agree, but that is his choice and does not necessarily make him a terrible person, does it? Well, because if you know you're this shallow then you need to concentrate on getting an 8 and not screw with the lives of the 6 and 7's in the meantime.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well, because if you know you're this shallow then you need to concentrate on getting an 8 and not screw with the lives of the 6 and 7's in the meantime. So if you bettered yourself, lost weight, became more successful professionally, looked better, you'd not do the same? I love the "holier then thou" attitudes here.
stillafool Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Precisely. Now that he can get hotter chicks, he views with resentment his wife. Happened to me years ago, but not with a wife, with a girlfriend. She was all I could get at the time. As the years went by and I grew wealthier and more desirable, what was once "good enough" for me turned into something not nearly so. Happens to all those 40-year-old dudes who "trade their wife for a newer model." Wow! This exactly the attitude I'm talking about. Why would any woman want to commit to marriage when this is sure to happen?
stillafool Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 The problem with this is that you didn't love her in the first place... you were mates, in a marriage of convenience. Now you have improved yourself and think you deserve better than a fat slob. I feel sorry for your wife and I think you should divorce her so she can marry someone far less shallow than you... Definitely let her go now! Show her what you have wrote about her and get on your way to finding a person who will "grow" with you. Let her find the man she is supposed to be with.
xxoo Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 So if you bettered yourself, lost weight, became more successful professionally, looked better, you'd not do the same? I love the "holier then thou" attitudes here. It's a crappy thing to do, even if it is a popular choice. And, more attractive and higher social status do NOT necessarily equal "better". Before deciding that you've "bettered" yourself (general you), consider what your actions say about who you are.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Maybe it will.... Why however all this hostility and negativity when someone is being honest? The OP was not derogatory in his post, just shared his opinion and asked for advise. Maybe we don't agree, but that is his choice and does not necessarily make him a terrible person, does it? I think you're confusing two separate things here. While I applaud the OP's (or anyone else's) efforts to improve himself, that doesn't change the fact that he made a fully informed commitment to his wife. I'm assuming that when he stood up there and said "I love you" and "I do", he meant it. She hasn't changed, he has. Good for him but why all the negative reflection on her? Sounds like she's still the same person he married... Mr. Lucky
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I think you're confusing two separate things here. While I applaud the OP's (or anyone else's) efforts to improve himself, that doesn't change the fact that he made a fully informed commitment to his wife. I'm assuming that when he stood up there and said "I love you" and "I do", he meant it. She hasn't changed, he has. Good for him but why all the negative reflection on her? Sounds like she's still the same person he married... Mr. Lucky He's also somewhat young and immature. You are right, but that doesn't take away, the OP thinks he's made a mistake and will want out (now or later). Yep, he's changed, we all hopefully change, mature improve as we grow. We only wish our spouses do likewise (and vice versa).
kevinconner Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 You were missing three things when you got married: MaturitySelf EsteemSincere LoveI think your Self Esteem issues may be worked out. You feel better about yourself. Maturity, maybe half way there. But for sure, if you had 100% True Love for her when you married, her looks wouldn't even be on your radar. The looks will always fade. Someone is going to get fat, depressed or maybe lose their hair ( male or female). You have to be ready for this, but its hard to see that far down the road. Hopefully, the two of you deteriorate at the same rate and all things are equal. If you can see yourself being happier outside the marriage (trusting your self esteem) and you are prepared to never quite find true love ( don't need it since you are independant) and you're mature enough to say that didn't work out but its not going to turn you into some balding male hermit in a basement in 20 years saying, "....I threw away the only love I thought I ever had, " then I say make a move. Fact is one person can never force another person to love them, or to love themselves. These things come from within.
Luv2dance Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Maybe it will.... Why however all this hostility and negativity when someone is being honest? The OP was not derogatory in his post, just shared his opinion and asked for advise. Maybe we don't agree, but that is his choice and does not necessarily make him a terrible person, does it? I agree...I know I am new here but it is shocking to me how mean people can be when someone is just trying to be honest about their feelings. I understand that we all have different views and that is a good thing but hitting someone when their already down...just don't get that. It's like some people have never made a wrong/bad decision in their lives. Although, maybe I just have a little sympathy for him b/c I am pretty sure I lacked these things when I got married also...Maturity, Self Esteem, and Sincere Love. Is it wrong to want to jump ship after 4 months absolutely, is it shallow probably but I am sure he knows that and hates feeling that way. Maybe not, but if the care and friendship is there then I am sure he doesn't want to crush his wife. If your still reading, my only advice is don't wait too long...really talk to her and be honest about your feelings, and please do not have children!
spriggig Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 So if you bettered yourself, lost weight, became more successful professionally, looked better, you'd not do the same? I love the "holier then thou" attitudes here. Call it what you will, but yeah, I'm better than that.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) life is not a Harlequin romance novel.... The OP has faced his demons, admitted his faults and realizes he is not happy. He is young and may have made a mistake. Maybe he is 100% wrong, but quit castigating him and playing this fuzzy romanticized view of life. He has bettered himself in terms of appearance, health and education. He admitted they met when they were young, immature, insecure and naive. He has moved forward and she has not. Maybe a deep conversation and she will want to join him (note he did not mention what she does for a living). Maybe not, but sorry if you are in your 20's, you don't want to hear the "looks fade/people gain weight" line..... Edited March 16, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
ADF Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Why do posts like this always leave me thinking there is really only one issue at stake here: the wife's physical appearance? The rest just seems like filler. I have to wonder, if your wife's physical appearance was so important to you, did you talk to her about this before you got married? I think women (and some men) fail to grasp how important physical appearance is to some people. They may not be that concerned about it, or expect to become less important as time goes on. Frankly, I don;t know why men who attach such paramount importance to whether or not their wives go to the gym get married at all. They should just stick to being sugar-daddies for 20-somethings.
ladydesigner Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 They should just stick to being sugar-daddies for 20-somethings. LOL I'm sorry but this is so true. I have to admit that even though I have had 2 kids and am hitting 40 soon, I have managed to keep in shape but still show the effects of aging and childbearing. I'm sorry, but there better be a whole lot more than physicality going on here. I mean seriously we are all going to look like shriveled prunes one day...puhlease
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 LOL I'm sorry but this is so true. I have to admit that even though I have had 2 kids and am hitting 40 soon, I have managed to keep in shape but still show the effects of aging and childbearing. I'm sorry, but there better be a whole lot more than physicality going on here. I mean seriously we are all going to look like shriveled prunes one day...puhlease Yep, but he is only in his 20's..... I admit my vanity in my 40's, as do you.... I keep thinking the clock is ticking and want to enjoy life now...... Sorry to be so shallow;).
fit Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Honestly dude I am having similar issues myself although my wife had a baby and prior to that WAS fit. Hopefully if we stay married she will have some self pride and get healthy again. Now onto your issue...you DID marry your wife like this. She is exactly as you married her. It sounds like you have decided to take some pride in yourself and as a result are enjoying life more. You sound disappointed that she isnt joining you in taking control of her own life and appearance. That sucks for you big time. Being married to someone who is obese is torture when you are fit and take pride in your appearance. You don't like the fact that she is obese and wont try to improve and she secretly HATES it and as a result I am sure it affects all parts of your life. Any woman (or man) who says they are ok with being obese are LYING. They hate it and are too lazy to get off their butt and do something about it. and worse is they get mad at you for pointing it out when they know it themselves. Good luck man...it sounds like your wife doesn't care enough to make an effort. But I am guessing somehow that will be your fault.
Recommended Posts