Men_R_from_Mars Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 So my wife and I have known each other for about 8 years before we got married. Of the 8 years we dated 5 years and have now been married for 4 months. When we first met both of us had lots of baggage and issues with ourselves. I was not happy with my looks, I was skinny and had bad skin, needed work on my teeth etc. She was very overweight at the time. I think we were attracted to each other as we found comfort in each other. She has always been very pretty but I have never found her overly sexually attractive because of the weight issues. When we met we were both very young and naive I guess and not very experienced in life and love. Besides this a good friendship has developed between us over the years and we have alot in common. Since we met a lot has changed for me. I graduated as a CA and have an excellent job, I've worked on my appearance like getting my teeth fixed and started gymming and now I am really confident and have a renewed zest for life. People are complimenting me dayly on how good I look etc. Strangers are even fliting with me at the gym. Now my problem is this.... I feel I have changed as a person over the last couple of years and that my wife has not been changing with me. She is not interested in going to gym (she has been reluctantly going a few times only because I keep bringing up the issue), she does not have the same lust for life as I now have. She has many insecurities over her weight, her looks etc. I have discussed these things with her many times even before we got married. I am not sexually attracted to her anymore because of the weight. After we got married I feel trapped and like I'm losing out on life and having great sex. Sex is the one thing you should not be looking for in other places outside of the marriage but its the one thing I'm not getting in the marriage. *so frustrating!* She keeps saying that I am never satisfied with her but I feel taht people should change for the better and improve in life. I don't want to lose her but I feel I want more from life and my marriage. She wants kids but that scares the crap out of me beacuse what if she gains more weight that she cant lose afterwards and then I'm more trapped with kids! Why couldnt I see these things before we got married? It feels like I have to make a discision now whether I want to continue working on this marriage or bail and try a different approach to marriage next time. Find someone that will satisfy me sexually first and has sexually appeal and then see if a friendship develops from there? I need advice!.....
Barky Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 (edited) For advice: see a therapist. My observation: if two 3s get married, and then one 3 becomes a 6, the marriage is doomed. Or as the old Russian saying goes: "What a pity that generals get married while in lieutenant's rank." Edited March 13, 2010 by Barky
mem11363 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 It is ok for 2 people to marry if they both think that making an effort to stay/get fit is important. It is ok for two people to marry if they think that love is totally separate from physical appearance. It is a disaster when one person cares about appearance and the other doesn't. You care and have focused on improving yourself. Sadly most very heavy people never lose weight and KEEP the weight off. And women have even more trouble if they start have and then have kids. Just be careful to marry a woman who views sex as something that is expected in marriage. Some don't - they pretend to like it until you marry them and then they start to ignore your needs. Mostly if you have a blunt conversation before getting engaged - they will be honest about it. So my wife and I have known each other for about 8 years before we got married. Of the 8 years we dated 5 years and have now been married for 4 months. When we first met both of us had lots of baggage and issues with ourselves. I was not happy with my looks, I was skinny and had bad skin, needed work on my teeth etc. She was very overweight at the time. I think we were attracted to each other as we found comfort in each other. She has always been very pretty but I have never found her overly sexually attractive because of the weight issues. When we met we were both very young and naive I guess and not very experienced in life and love. Besides this a good friendship has developed between us over the years and we have alot in common. Since we met a lot has changed for me. I graduated as a CA and have an excellent job, I've worked on my appearance like getting my teeth fixed and started gymming and now I am really confident and have a renewed zest for life. People are complimenting me dayly on how good I look etc. Strangers are even fliting with me at the gym. Now my problem is this.... I feel I have changed as a person over the last couple of years and that my wife has not been changing with me. She is not interested in going to gym (she has been reluctantly going a few times only because I keep bringing up the issue), she does not have the same lust for life as I now have. She has many insecurities over her weight, her looks etc. I have discussed these things with her many times even before we got married. I am not sexually attracted to her anymore because of the weight. After we got married I feel trapped and like I'm losing out on life and having great sex. Sex is the one thing you should not be looking for in other places outside of the marriage but its the one thing I'm not getting in the marriage. *so frustrating!* She keeps saying that I am never satisfied with her but I feel taht people should change for the better and improve in life. I don't want to lose her but I feel I want more from life and my marriage. She wants kids but that scares the crap out of me beacuse what if she gains more weight that she cant lose afterwards and then I'm more trapped with kids! Why couldnt I see these things before we got married? It feels like I have to make a discision now whether I want to continue working on this marriage or bail and try a different approach to marriage next time. Find someone that will satisfy me sexually first and has sexually appeal and then see if a friendship develops from there? I need advice!.....
Jeff1962 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 So now that you've graduated, landed a job, had your teeth and skin fixed you think you are 007 or something huh? People are complementing you because they see an improvement not because you are a sexual God. Get a hold of yourself. Now, the woman that you married is still overweight. She was good enough for you before but not now. Sounds to me like you married her because you thought that she was as good as you could do at the time. You settled so to speak. I don't think you love her at all. I think you feel guilty because that was the only action you were getting at the time and now you want out. Greener pastures maybe. Think wisely or someday you may look back and realize exactly what you had.
Barky Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 SShe was good enough for you before but not now. Sounds to me like you married her because you thought that she was as good as you could do at the time. You settled so to speak. Precisely. Now that he can get hotter chicks, he views with resentment his wife. Happened to me years ago, but not with a wife, with a girlfriend. She was all I could get at the time. As the years went by and I grew wealthier and more desirable, what was once "good enough" for me turned into something not nearly so. Happens to all those 40-year-old dudes who "trade their wife for a newer model."
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Some observations: You probably think that you are better looking than what you really are.Women that you see as "flirting" with you probably wouldn't date you or have sex with you if you were single (or now). My dad thinks that women are flirting with him all the time when in fact they are just being polite You should have really worked on self-improvement before you got married.If you choose to settle, have the guts to stick with you choice.Your wife doesn't owe you anything. She certainly doesn't owe you to improve her looks just because you did.
Author Men_R_from_Mars Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 My observation: if two 3s get married, and then one 3 becomes a 6, the marriage is doomed. Your wife doesn't owe you anything. She certainly doesn't owe you to improve her looks just because you did. Now that he can get hotter chicks, he views with resentment his wife. I appreciate Barky's first response because I feel that the changes and improvements I have been making is a positive thing. It is true that two people can grow apart over time if their interests and beliefs are not similar. The reason I posted this is because I still care deeply for my wife and I want us to connect and be passionate about each other on every level. I want to be attracted to her in every way The rest of the responses (and the last two quotes above) are viewing this situation as me being very selfish...seeking greener pastures etc. Well that is not the case if I can improve things in my marriage. I'm sure my wife would feel the same way if I became for instance a big fat couch potato that watched sport all day etc and she was the one who became a healthier and very active person. She doesn't owe me anything but in a way as her husband I can expect certain things from her if it means improving our relationship, not so?
xxoo Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I'm sure my wife would feel the same way if I became for instance a big fat couch potato that watched sport all day etc and she was the one who became a healthier and very active person. She doesn't owe me anything but in a way as her husband I can expect certain things from her if it means improving our relationship, not so? But your wife hasn't changed. She is the same person/same size she was when you married her. No, you can not expect her to change now because you would prefer her thin. A lot of demands on our partners can be framed as "improving our relationship". In marriage (and in any relationship), you can only control you. If you are interested in improving the relationship, take a hard look in the mirror and decide what you can change.
giotto Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 The problem with this is that you didn't love her in the first place... you were mates, in a marriage of convenience. Now you have improved yourself and think you deserve better than a fat slob. I feel sorry for your wife and I think you should divorce her so she can marry someone far less shallow than you...
BettyBoop Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 She doesn't owe me anything but in a way as her husband I can expect certain things from her if it means improving our relationship, not so? Thing is...is she is still the same person she was when you married her - the answer is no. It is different if she had been skinny when you married her and then she'd ballooned into twice her size. She will wonder how come you found her attractive before and not anymore. I agree with the others - you feel you've "settled" and now wants something more "in your league". I don't think you would love her more if she lost her weight. Also, you cannot make her it will make her resent you - she has to want to herself from within or else it will not be a sustaining change. Having children with this woman would be a disaster. If you feel this way, get out before she "accidentally gets pregnant" and let her find someone who loves and adores her this size now and here. I agree about the flirting comments - I've NEVER seen a woman hit on a guy in the guy but the other way around...you know, I used to know a guy who thought that every single woman who smiled at him wanted him. We smile to be nice. Not because we desire you.
Lizzie60 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I'm glad you post this thread.. now you understand older single women who takes care of themselves being on the dating field and finding men their age who have lost all their 'sexiness'... or even married older women for that matter.. it's not only women who let themselves go.. (a lot does) but also men. I can understand that along the way, you have changed 'league', you still have the option to divorce and find yourself a hot 'chick' who will eventually leave you for a nicer 'model'... and round and round.. Maybe you should print this post and let her read it.. could be her 'wake-up' call.. who knows.. could save you $$$ in MC..
PandorasBox Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 "Why couldn't I see these things before we got married?" Well you took the question right out of my mouth, Why exactly did you get married then? You knew all of these things ahead of time, its not like you both went into the marriage healthy trim and fit with good teeth etc then it all changed. These issues were already there. Now all of sudeen since you gained some self confidence, you're not happy with her or the marriage. The way I see it, you weren't happy to begin with, with her and I guess you got married in hopes she would change. If you want to stay married and work on things I'd suggest a MC if not, do yourselves both a favor and move on. PS I agree with Lizzie about letting your wife read this post. Then let HER make up her mind what she would like to do.
GoodOnPaper Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 She has many insecurities over her weight, her looks etc. I have discussed these things with her many times even before we got married. I am not sexually attracted to her anymore because of the weight. After we got married I feel trapped and like I'm losing out on life and having great sex. Sex is the one thing you should not be looking for in other places outside of the marriage but its the one thing I'm not getting in the marriage. *so frustrating!* She keeps saying that I am never satisfied with her If you found the sex and intimacy satisfying, would her weight matter to you? Your marriage and circumstances resemble mine in many respects, and I wonder if the real issue after so many years is that your lack of initial physical attraction combined with her insecurities has created an intimacy barrier that's tough to crack. I empathize with your frustration. Everything my wife does outside the bedroom exudes her love for and commitment to me and our family. Inside the bedroom, it seems that random hookups would have more intensity most of the time. I do agree with the posters who have said don't have kids under these circumstances -- you will really feel locked in then. This thread is an interesting example of how squeamish many LS posters seem to get when guys of average or less-than-average attractiveness express a desire for a knock-your-socks-off sex life. As if that's only "allowed" for guys who can make random women drool in their presence.
BettyBoop Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 If you found the sex and intimacy satisfying, would her weight matter to you? I want to know this as well. He says a little bit about the sex life, but most of this is about how he feels he is good looking now and is "losing out on his life" with his still fat wife. I just really really feel like he married her because he thought he couldn't do any better. If he could have sex with her then - and she is the same weight now, he *really* should have thought twice. I don't mind average joe's wanting good looking women - but I do mind a guy who marries a woman and then once he looks good he wants her to change to "fit his new appearance". Show your wife this post and let her decide for you. (I should mention it is never a good idea to have kids when you are already overweight because it does increase risks on both the baby and the mother during the pregnancy and delivery. That is one true argument you could use to keep your wife from getting pregnant without sounding like "you're too fat, I don't want to see you get fatter")
Woggle Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I think this guy is wrong but I know most women in here would be singing a different tune if the genders were reversed. I wonder how many will be honest about it.
Mr White Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I think this guy is wrong but I know most women in here would be singing a different tune if the genders were reversed. I wonder how many will be honest about it. If the genders were reversed, it would be all "You go girl, he isn't meeting your needs, you deserve better, you don't have to settle for this!" etc. etc. etc. The OP will probably regret it if he leaves, depending on the quality of the underlying relationship. If it was good, dating some hot bich would quickly remind him of what he's missing.
PandorasBox Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I think this guy is wrong but I know most women in here would be singing a different tune if the genders were reversed. I wonder how many will be honest about it. I think there would be some women on here that if they were fit and toned WOULD mind if there husbands gained weight and didn't try to lose it. But I also think women can be more accepting of their mans weight issues and love them based on other factors than just weight. Where as a man wouldn't be as accepting of weight on their wives. JMO.
Woggle Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 If the genders were reversed, it would be all "You go girl, he isn't meeting your needs, you deserve better, you don't have to settle for this!" etc. etc. etc. The OP will probably regret it if he leaves, depending on the quality of the underlying relationship. If it was good, dating some hot bich would quickly remind him of what he's missing. Very true.
EnigmasMuse Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I really hope for these women who need to lose weight according their husbands, are able to do so. Then hopefully not only will it make them have more self esteem for themselves but help to create some self esteem in their husbands who have the issue with it as well.
crazycatlady Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 This happened to some people I know. The guy was overweight and dumpy for years in their marriage, and then got buff while the wife stayed overweight - not obese and still a pretty woman. He dumped her when when their twins! were 4 months old, said it had been years since he loved her , and went out and found a thinner "better" model. Last I heard the better model is gaining weight. Serves the a**hole right. I would have the same contempt for either male or female in this situation. You either love the person as they are or you don't. She hasn't changed. You have. You broke your promise, not her. You aren't better then her. Better looking does not make you a better person. CCL
just_some_guy Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 The internet is full of overweight men and women who are touchy about their weight. The OP has grown and overcome his self doubts and begun working on himself. That's a good thing. His wife, seems not to moved much on her issues. Sex is in the brain and I would venture that more than just the physical, there's now a gulf between them in their personal esteem and well being and that really kills a sex life. Perhaps some therapy will help them deal with the issues between them.
BettyBoop Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 She keeps saying that I am never satisfied with her but I feel taht people should change for the better and improve in life. That one stood out to me just now. That makes it sound like you have asked her to do many things and yet is not satisfied. About the sex...you only said you were frustrated not how often you did if, if you both thought it was good etc...what is the real problem? That is is putting you off sexually due to her weight or is she denying you sex due to her insecurities? I wouldn't want to have sex with a husband who kept asking me to change. Especially not if I felt there was no pleasing him. I think we really do need more background info on this one.
shadowplay Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Some observations: If you choose to settle, have the guts to stick with you choice. I agree with this.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Have no idea what Lizzie60 is saying (or more so why she chose this forum to further her agenda). Yes she places attractiveness high on her priorities list.... I know, I got it...... So the OP is shallow, unfortunately so are many of us to different degrees. They have only been married 4 months. I say get out and see if single life is all it's cracked up to be. Now for women. Don't you expect things from your husbands? I.e. to stay somewhat attractive as the person you married, to grow mentally and mature, to progress in their chosen field? Women, while often admittedly not as shallow as us males come looks and physiques, certainly expect more from us in terms of growth in, to be just as shallow, the pocketbook. By this I am treading on thin ice, but I expect my spouse to be disappointed in me if I remained at the same level job/employment as I was 24 years ago when I met her..... Maybe I have not met her goals, but I have tried to improve all facets (to varying degrees of success) of my life for her and my family..... The OP not only mentions his physical transformation, but his job too. Give the guy a break, he is probably only in his mid twenties.....
BettyBoop Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 They have only been married 4 months. Omg I totally even missed that one! :shock: If they have been married 4 months the sex life must have been an issue even before the marriage...as well as the "not-attracted-to-you" part. Poster, why the hell did you marry her if you felt this way?! I'd say annull the marriage as a mistake or give us more info why you don't get that sexual satisfaction... this is why I'd never marry a virgin male. They'd eventually wonder what it's like to have sex somewhere else...
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