OrangeKin Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Hello everyone.. haven't been here in a while, the last time I was here I was sharing my suspicions of my H.. it turned out he cheated, we tried to work it out, but he recently decided to get close to someone else again.. I don't really have anything to discuss, all I know is that I'm sitting here alone crying in front of a computer. I can't believe how much this hurts. I guess I just want to hear someone tell me it will be ok. I feel so sad. Not just for our marriage ending.. but our child losing her father. I'm so sad over losing my best friend.. and having essentially no support system here.. while H has his work friends and of course OW. At least I know for sure that I do want a divorce. No ifs ands or buts. I feel sick. Thanks for letting me vent..
Gunny376 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 As long as I'm still living you've got a friend in me A good friend and here lately? That means having a Togaz friend! Ask nothing in return, have nothing but to give! Stay strong!
JLoves Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 (edited) I've been reading a book which has helped me a lot over the last month or so. 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna. Amongst the many things he says in it, one that sticks with me is describing the feelings of loss, not for the marriage, but the loss of your dreams of the future as a happy family that your H and my stbxw have stomped all over and destroyed. It has a lot of mind exercises to help rid yourself of the circulatory arguments with yourself over what happened and how to put yourself into a better frame of mind. I borrowed it out of the library and am going to go and buy it so I have it for the next time I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster. It will get easier, there will be more ups and downs but they will get less frequent and you'll recover from them quicker.. Eventually you'll find someone who will love you more than your H. It's ok to mourn the loss of your dreams.. Take your time. (found a link to an extract of the book which talks about this http://www.booksattransworld.co.uk/paulmckenna/website/books/ICanMend_extract.html ) Edited March 13, 2010 by JLoves
Author OrangeKin Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Thanks guys, sometimes I feel like I just need a sympathetic ear. JLoves, thanks much for the link.. haha I realized I had already been doing some of the "think of all the times you wanted to strangle him/her" just to put me off from wanting to call. I realize how pathetic I am right now.. I feel better during the day, but at night it hits hard. Especially this being the weekend.. I wonder if he's out having fun reliving his single days, while I am at home with DD. I wish I could go out and forget my troubles for even a few hours.. but I can't. Anyway, thanks again. Talking to you all really helped.
Author OrangeKin Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Ugh I know I shouldn't have but I peeked into our bank statement.. he goes out to dinner on worknights, then to the bars and pubs on weekend nights. Myself I go straight home after picking DD up from school.. He goes out while I'm alone with DD.. the feeling of being forgotten and left behind feels so heavy. Like it's crushing something. Why does he the cheater get to live in his bachelor pad and be virtually free from parental responsibility.. while I am here in our broken home cleaning up the mess and surrounded by memories of our life. I don't have many friends, or even a sitter I can count on. I know it's time to start looking.. I apologize for the tone of this post being whiny and complaining.. I just don't know what to do to not feel so sad. Anyone have any similar stories?
JLoves Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Yep, my stbx is living up the life of a single girl.. Off camping with new bf on the weekend, esp on what would have been our 12th anniversary. Doesn't go down well especially when complains that she has no money. (yet, seems to be able to take the kids to Mac Donalds on one of her two evenings a week when she has the kids) At least I got to go out with my family and enjoy a Childrens week beach day. I'm not bitter at all...
Gunny376 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 yet, seems to be able to take the kids to Mac Donalds on one of her two evenings a week when she has the kids) Well they do have the $1 and kids menu which when the kids are still young is on the cheap. Its only when your an adult and you order the "Mega, triple cheese, quad burger with a super sized fires and drink with a weeks worth of calories that they start getting into your wallet!
JLoves Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Well they do have the $1 and kids menu which when the kids are still young is on the cheap. /QUOTE] I guess so.. Guess who has to deal with getting the kids to bed who are still bouncing around the room from the fizzy drinks... Only slightly better than giving them sugary chocolate breakfast cereal for dinner and then dropping them off... Could be worse...... . . . ...
Gunny376 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Nutrionally its not sugar that makes children (and people) hyepractive ~ its the carbs ~ carbohydrates that do so. That is to say rice, potatoes, (and by products) and pasta products. Its the bodies process of breaking down carboydrates into simple sugar that feeds the enegry cycle. In the Corps before a five, ten, fifteen or more mile "Death March" or PFT the chowhall use to load us up with carbs'. The day before a PFT (Physical Fitness Test) was always pasta night. Or at the minimun a baked potato or two. Read, (via Amazon or such) "Eat This - For Kids - Not This!" What's beefing up our kids (and us) are all of the food additives, flavor enhancers, and preservatives that we eat at home. I about to turn 53 and weigh the same as I did in HS, etc. Mostly of what I eat is fruits and vegetables and some meat. All of which I cook fresh and by hand. For adults read "Eat This and Not This" Its not so much a diet guide as it is a shopping guide as to which brands to buy and not to buy?
tnttim Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 When I was feeling depressed and thinking of all the good memories now some how bad memories I would force myself to think of all the bad times. The times I just wanted to leave myself. The times we argued, the times I came home to a messy house, no dinner, anything that would knock her off the pedistal my brain convenantaly made for her. You always have a support system, your looking at it right now. The POW camp called loveshack.
phineas Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Yep, my stbx is living up the life of a single girl.. Off camping with new bf on the weekend, esp on what would have been our 12th anniversary. Doesn't go down well especially when complains that she has no money. (yet, seems to be able to take the kids to Mac Donalds on one of her two evenings a week when she has the kids) At least I got to go out with my family and enjoy a Childrens week beach day. I'm not bitter at all... HAHAHA!!! I hear ya. She has the kids half the time. I'm giving her more money than I spend on the kids myself. (I cook meals myself from raw foods) She buys microwaveable dinners & shops at the expensive grocery store. I go to Aldi. She has micro-brew in her fridge I have bud-lite. She's partying it up with OM on the weekends when I got the kids. Yet complains ALL the time that their gonna shut off her cable & phone. She's strugling. She has no money. She has no gas money blah blah blah. There is a reason I don't go out much. It costs money. There is a reason I cook instead of microwave everything. it's cheaper & healthier. (actually I cook extra so later in the week I can re-heat it) I've lost 40lbs since she left & added quite a bit of muscle. She's gained at least 20lbs of ass. For the most part I sit at home alone also. it's the worst at the begining. But now I don't mind. I do get lonely but I have women friends I can talk to or hang out with so I don't feel so lonely. Also i've always been the type that enjoyed my own company. I've got projects that keep me busy also.
2sure Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 One of the hardest parts, for me, about dealing with the betrayal of infidelity...was the frustrating sense of : where do I stand, what should I do, what do I know, what happens now? It isnt just the betrayal...the logistics of divorce & change are overwhelming to even think about initially. But then, something happens, something further...to help you decide. And suddenly everything is not quite as overwhelming because at least now you are facing a solid direction. Now although some of the unknowns and some of your fears are still the same....it seems doable. And now that you are facing a solid direction, or when you do...a lot of what is keeping you up at night just wont anymore. Your future, the steps you are taking will become much more important to you than where he is, who he is with. Even if they are baby steps...start taking them because you will see they are positive. Gives you back some sense of control and with that everything else seems possible.
Author OrangeKin Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 I don't get how some people can move on so quickly.. especially after putting on the whole convincing show, crying, begging, opening their heart and soul to you, saying sorry, saying they'll never do it again. Then the next weekend I find out they've met someone new, spend HOURS texting, sending pic messages, etc. (This is a new, other woman.. yeah, in addition to the other one, in addition to the OTHER other one. Long story.) I read up on the 180.. it's like he is the one doing the 180 and I'm the one suffering seeing as how he's 'moved on'.. he tries to contact me but I can't help but feel sick and disgusted. I don't want to hear his voice or see his face so I just ignore him.. he is the one trying to be civil and I've turned into this bitter shrew. tnttim - POW camp! That sure made me chuckle, thanks phineas - I've never minded being alone most of the time, but it seems like I would really like to not be left to my thoughts.. I feel like I just need someone there for me you know? 2sure - baby steps, exactly.. but it seems like a struggle to walk when it feels like I've been crippled. Thanks everyone.. I know this sounds painfully cheesy but it means a lot to hear from you guys. It still hurts like hell but I don't feel so alone.
floridapad Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I read up on the 180.. it's like he is the one doing the 180 and I'm the one suffering seeing as how he's 'moved on'.. he tries to contact me but I can't help but feel sick and disgusted. I don't want to hear his voice or see his face so I just ignore him.. he is the one trying to be civil and I've turned into this bitter shrew. Forget about what he is doing because the truth is if you do it will only cause you pain, plus you can't control it anyways. Just because you may think he is doing a 180 doesn't mean you can't do your own. Do the 180's like there is no tomorrow. It does get better. I went LC 180 with my W just to distance myself and detach and it was hard for the first couple of months but then it gets better and better. You need to protect yourself and the only way is to 180 and LC (since you have a child). Also, don't be afraid to grieve. It is hard not to. Let it out but do remember the quickest path to healing is accpetance of your loss. It will take time but acceptance is the path to healing. Dont be afraid to feel anger its very natural BUT. Some point in the future you WILL have to forgive. If you do not the bitterness will eat you alive. I know you can't think about that right now nor should you but just be aware of that bittereness. it will permeate inside you and become part of you if you let it. I wish you luck in all this. What doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
tnttim Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 When he does a 180 you do a 180, that's part of the reasoning behind the name. The main reason is focused on you doing a complete turn around. Basically the 180 shows you to do the opposite of what you feel you should do, counter intuitive thinking. There is no shame in trying again, some don't get that chance. At least you know that it will never work out, 1 answered question in a million I'm sure. Don't blame yourself for what he did, he's the a**hole. Trust you will trust again, don't let him take your hope away from trusting another. Start trusting yourself, don't let him take your hope away from trusting yourself either.
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