hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 A week has passed since xMM's W rang me out of the blue after 9 days complete NC with xMM and he then rang to say she had OD'd. Over the weekend I was going out of my mind wondering if she was OK, I know its not my business but I couldn't get it off my mind. So on Monday at work I checked his calander and he was working so I figured she was OK, I also asked a friend who works with his son (he has no idea we are friends) if he was at work and he was so my mind was at ease. The anger then kicked in....how could he be so cruel?? They dragged me back into their drama, she rang me asking for the truth, I didn't contact him after the call to have a go at him or tell him to tell her to leave me alone and TBH I had no intention of donig, their life now. HE rang me to say she had OD'd, why do that knowing it would leave me worrying if he had no intention of letting me know she was OK???? My friends say he is punishing me for telling his W the truth but I had no choice. The last time I refused to talk to her she plagued me with calls, texts and answer phone messages and TBH she is worse when I refuse to speak to her. My friends and a few of you on LS have also said they wonder if she OD'd at all??? I'm beginning to wonder?? So to my shame I sent him a text on Monday saying he could of at least let me know she was ok and that I'd been going out of my mind...this was not an attempt to start contact but to let him know I was pissed at him....heard nothing. We passed each other in our cars yesterday and he just looked at me with that lost look that always wins me over, I fought my emotions and just gave him a cold stare, it was the best I had as it felt like he'd reached into my car and ripped my heart right out of my chest! Very unexpected!! I sobbed all the way home and have been beating myself up ever since!! What sick people would think its ok to drag/blame someone for something like that and then leave them wondering?? I'm really not in a good place again, I feel like I've gone back 2 months. My head can see him for what he is but my heart is breaking all over again....I'm not sleeping again, feel sick when I try to eat and he is on my mind 24/7!!!
Tashcw Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Firstly, don't be ashamed about breaking NC and texting on Monday. This must have been on your mind constantly, and for him not to respond is very, very cruel. If he is punishing you by either lying about what happened with his W, or by blaming you for it then there is no WAY you should feel guilty! You owe him absolutely nothing, especially not enough to cover up his cheating to his wife when she'd rung you and asked you specific questions. My view is he's lost control of the situation and is desperately trying to get back whatever control he can by still manipulating you. I also think he's trying to blame anyone else but himself and you're the easy target, especially as he knows he's previously had a hold over you. Is there any other way you can find out if she's okay / he's telling the truth?
Brokenlady Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Maybe he thought you caught him in the lie about the OD and so that's why he's not responding. Or maybe it was true and he thinks everything is your fault. If she wasn't fine, I'm sure xMM would have called you to guilt trip you about that as well, so it's probably safe to assume she's fine. It doesn't really matter though, it's really none of your business. He is a jerk, and not worth what this is doing to you. If you are truly concerned about her and can't stand not knowing, ask her yourself, or her friends, but I really think it's best for you to stay away from all of this.
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Firstly, don't be ashamed about breaking NC and texting on Monday. This must have been on your mind constantly, and for him not to respond is very, very cruel. If he is punishing you by either lying about what happened with his W, or by blaming you for it then there is no WAY you should feel guilty! You owe him absolutely nothing, especially not enough to cover up his cheating to his wife when she'd rung you and asked you specific questions. My view is he's lost control of the situation and is desperately trying to get back whatever control he can by still manipulating you. I also think he's trying to blame anyone else but himself and you're the easy target, especially as he knows he's previously had a hold over you. Is there any other way you can find out if she's okay / he's telling the truth? The only way to find out the truth is by ringing his W and believe me I've thought about doing it but whats the point?? My friends have said it could be either of them manipulating or both!! His W has made it quite plain that she wants him to hate me, this is a perfect way to make him think I said things to push her over the edge on purpose(I didn't) and he has made it quite clear that my feelings really don't matter to him by this latest action....
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Maybe he thought you caught him in the lie about the OD and so that's why he's not responding. Or maybe it was true and he thinks everything is your fault. If she wasn't fine, I'm sure xMM would have called you to guilt trip you about that as well, so it's probably safe to assume she's fine. It doesn't really matter though, it's really none of your business. He is a jerk, and not worth what this is doing to you. If you are truly concerned about her and can't stand not knowing, ask her yourself, or her friends, but I really think it's best for you to stay away from all of this. I will stay away BL, I have no intention of going near either of them. I just wish I could get this out of my head and him out of my heart! Its so frustrating. They are both so messed up in their life and I think it was probably like that before I came on the scene. The fact that he and his son are both at work means she is obviously ok, if he was lying then so be I guess...
bittersweet memories Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 A week has passed since xMM's W rang me out of the blue after 9 days complete NC with xMM and he then rang to say she had OD'd. Over the weekend I was going out of my mind wondering if she was OK, I know its not my business but I couldn't get it off my mind. So on Monday at work I checked his calander and he was working so I figured she was OK, I also asked a friend who works with his son (he has no idea we are friends) if he was at work and he was so my mind was at ease. The anger then kicked in....how could he be so cruel?? They dragged me back into their drama, she rang me asking for the truth, I didn't contact him after the call to have a go at him or tell him to tell her to leave me alone and TBH I had no intention of donig, their life now. HE rang me to say she had OD'd, why do that knowing it would leave me worrying if he had no intention of letting me know she was OK???? My friends say he is punishing me for telling his W the truth but I had no choice. The last time I refused to talk to her she plagued me with calls, texts and answer phone messages and TBH she is worse when I refuse to speak to her. My friends and a few of you on LS have also said they wonder if she OD'd at all??? I'm beginning to wonder?? So to my shame I sent him a text on Monday saying he could of at least let me know she was ok and that I'd been going out of my mind...this was not an attempt to start contact but to let him know I was pissed at him....heard nothing. We passed each other in our cars yesterday and he just looked at me with that lost look that always wins me over, I fought my emotions and just gave him a cold stare, it was the best I had as it felt like he'd reached into my car and ripped my heart right out of my chest! Very unexpected!! I sobbed all the way home and have been beating myself up ever since!! What sick people would think its ok to drag/blame someone for something like that and then leave them wondering?? I'm really not in a good place again, I feel like I've gone back 2 months. My head can see him for what he is but my heart is breaking all over again....I'm not sleeping again, feel sick when I try to eat and he is on my mind 24/7!!! What i don't understand is why you are dragging yourself back into this drama by contacting him again.. You claim they are dragging you in but it looks like you are the one that can't get enough of them. Leave them alone and move on.
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 What i don't understand is why you are dragging yourself back into this drama by contacting him again.. You claim they are dragging you in but it looks like you are the one that can't get enough of them. Leave them alone and move on. I'm not contacting him again. I sent 1 text on Monday asking why he couldn't of let me know his W was ok after pretty much accusing me of being the reason of her OD. I have not and have no intention of contacting either of them and I want to move on. I was doing ok before last week and my head is still seeing it for what it is but I'm hurting all over again which I can't seem to control, I want to be over this, believe me.
Brokenlady Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 The only way to find out the truth is by ringing his W and believe me I've thought about doing it but whats the point?? My friends have said it could be either of them manipulating or both!! His W has made it quite plain that she wants him to hate me, this is a perfect way to make him think I said things to push her over the edge on purpose(I didn't) and he has made it quite clear that my feelings really don't matter to him by this latest action.... Well, if all they are doing is manipulating each other, then I'd say they deserve each other.
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Well, if all they are doing is manipulating each other, then I'd say they deserve each other. This is exactly where my head is, I just need my heart to catch up.
pureinheart Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Hey, if ya can just hang in there H4U. It's not the "same" drama that was brought to me, yet it is the "same level" of drama that I went through. My suggestion would be of course to distance yourself, post here, and try to learn all you can about what has happened to you through councelling, reading etc... H4U...this is all shocking to you because you don't live this type of drama...they do, on a continuous basis and have learned to function in everyday life with it...I think she did attempt in someway to commit suicide. In my experience and am of the opinion that people who operate in life like this have to function "normally" in an abnormal situation, meaning it's "abnormal" to us, but not them...they can do everyday things behind this...yet with us, this type of thing stiops us in our tracks because we know it not normal. GBU....
pureinheart Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 What i don't understand is why you are dragging yourself back into this drama by contacting him again.. You claim they are dragging you in but it looks like you are the one that can't get enough of them. Leave them alone and move on. I would be concerned also if exDM said his exW (even now) said she was gonna take her own life and would try to see if she was allright...I would do this with anyone and have before...it's a normal reaction in an abnormal situation.
pureinheart Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I will stay away BL, I have no intention of going near either of them. I just wish I could get this out of my head and him out of my heart! Its so frustrating. They are both so messed up in their life and I think it was probably like that before I came on the scene. The fact that he and his son are both at work means she is obviously ok, if he was lying then so be I guess... Absolutely.
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Hey, if ya can just hang in there H4U. It's not the "same" drama that was brought to me, yet it is the "same level" of drama that I went through. My suggestion would be of course to distance yourself, post here, and try to learn all you can about what has happened to you through councelling, reading etc... H4U...this is all shocking to you because you don't live this type of drama...they do, on a continuous basis and have learned to function in everyday life with it...I think she did attempt in someway to commit suicide. In my experience and am of the opinion that people who operate in life like this have to function "normally" in an abnormal situation, meaning it's "abnormal" to us, but not them...they can do everyday things behind this...yet with us, this type of thing stiops us in our tracks because we know it not normal. GBU.... Yeah you're right I don't live with all this drama. xMM always said that was part of the attraction...I have never 'gone off on one' when we had conflict, I talk, sort and deal with things and that hasn't changed. To me its deal with the problem, find a solution and move on....so why can I not do that now???
fooled once Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Yeah you're right I don't live with all this drama. xMM always said that was part of the attraction...I have never 'gone off on one' when we had conflict, I talk, sort and deal with things and that hasn't changed. To me its deal with the problem, find a solution and move on....so why can I not do that now??? Maybe because you aren't done with him? Maybe that is why you sent the text. You sent a text with an accusation - the best way to get him to respond. I am not being mean, but did you really care how she was? come on, if you did, why did it take a week? You imply they deserve each other -- what did she deserve to be dragged into the affair? What did she deserve for you to have an affair with her husband? I don't mean that snippy - but you are still blaming her...when it was HIM that did this ---not her. And IF she did OD'd, life goes on. A week has passed -- why wouldn't they be at work? Many OD cases are at most an overnight stay in the hospital and then outpatient care. I know you are hurting, but until you really REALLY want to be done, you won't be done. 2
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Maybe because you aren't done with him? Maybe that is why you sent the text. You sent a text with an accusation - the best way to get him to respond. I am not being mean, but did you really care how she was? come on, if you did, why did it take a week? You imply they deserve each other -- what did she deserve to be dragged into the affair? What did she deserve for you to have an affair with her husband? I don't mean that snippy - but you are still blaming her...when it was HIM that did this ---not her. And IF she did OD'd, life goes on. A week has passed -- why wouldn't they be at work? Many OD cases are at most an overnight stay in the hospital and then outpatient care. I know you are hurting, but until you really REALLY want to be done, you won't be done. I sent the text on the Monday, this happened on the Friday night before(2 days) He ended the conversation with I'll let you know how she is (he didn't know how she was at the time). Yes I did care, I know what I did was wrong and she knows that. The reason she rang me was because she knows I won't lie to her. I'm not blaming her for any of this but she has a history of doing this and my friends have said for me to look at this from all sides, which I am trying to do. I am honestly trying to do what is right and TBH if I'd of wanted back into their drama all I'd of had to do was ring him, I know he would answer.
jj33 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Hopeless Im so sorry he is such an idiot. Either way he was wrong. Once he called to tell you she od'd he should have let you know she was OK. So either she is OK now and he is just being hateful (we know that) or he made it up and he is totally hateful anyway you look at it, this is not someone you want in your life. Hang in there sweetie. It will get better in time. big hugs jj
Author hopeless4u Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Hopeless Im so sorry he is such an idiot. Either way he was wrong. Once he called to tell you she od'd he should have let you know she was OK. So either she is OK now and he is just being hateful (we know that) or he made it up and he is totally hateful anyway you look at it, this is not someone you want in your life. Hang in there sweetie. It will get better in time. big hugs jj thanks JJ. Its a hard place to be but I WILL get through this....I've been this low before because of him and got out of it and I'll get there again. Just need to be able to get that kick up the ass I always get here and from my friends and I'll get there....
scatterd Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 she could be in the mental ward this is his doing hes the one that cheated on her he made a commitment not you.WOW you should be lucky to know how you would have been treated had you been with him,This guy is sick move on and find a single guy that has good intentions good luck.
jj33 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Knowing myself the thing that would get me now is that he might have lied and I would have a go at him for being such an azz. But dont do that. The temptation to want to know whether he was honest etc must be greaet but dont go there. You are OK. He is in the office so you can pretty much guess that if he was truthful she is ok. The rest doesnt matter.
Chingaling Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 she could be in the mental ward this is his doing hes the one that cheated on her he made a commitment not you.WOW you should be lucky to know how you would have been treated had you been with him,This guy is sick move on and find a single guy that has good intentions good luck. Scatterd has a very good point. From what I understand (around here at least) anyone who seriously attempts to take their own life (to the point where they need emergency medical attention) is transferred to the psych ward for observation/treatment. No way would they just let a suicidal person check themselves out of an ER and go home just like that. Whether voluntary or involuntary, I would think that a short stay in the psych department would be inevitable...Is it possible that she is still hospitalized??? Or is it more likely that he walked in at exactly the same time she was stuffing pills in her mouth and this became the "attempt"? There are ways of making sure that a suicide is successful - swallowing pills when you know someone is coming home shortly could be a dramatic attempt for attention.
BB07 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 If there were any good reasons at all to tell you about the wife's OD, he would have followed it up with an update.
NoIDidn't Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 One would think that he'd have the decency to tell you how she's doing if he told you about the OD. I think its possible that she is in a psych-ward somewhere. If she is, you could verify this without ever having to talk to him or anyone that knows him. Hospitals screen visitors, not callers. But I imagine this might come off stalker-ish to some. I'm sorry this whole thing only adds to your pain. Can I just say that I don't think he's doing this on purpose. He just doesn't strike me as sophisticated enough to have planned to suck you in emotionally like this. Its likely just that it or something similar worked in the past and he knows he can't lean on you, but in a sick way is still trying (and getting, considering your reaction here) to get your emotional support. ((((hl4u))))
MizzBlue72 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 One would think that he'd have the decency to tell you how she's doing if he told you about the OD. I agree. He is again just thinking of himself and not you. Keep your chin up. You may want to think of changing your number and emails so he can not contact you anymore. Close the door once and for all, don't just try to move on - just move on. I know it's easy for me to sit here and write this, but I think the MM doing this to you is really in the wrong.
NoIDidn't Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 What you do know is that he's at work, and there's been no funeral scheduled (otherwise co-workers would know). So you KNOW she's not dead. She's obviously in some state of disarray, but face it, she was before she called you. She's still alive, she's not dead, she's still upset. So, he acted like a blue ribbon dickwad. He's done that before. He did it when he called about the OD. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. But will you change and move on? Good point. Its been a week. If she died, she would have been memorialized with a funeral by now or it would be in the works and the office would be buzzing with it. What he did was horrendous. I completely understand the anger and obsessing about it. At some point, though, you are going to have to decide what it is that you are going to focus on. Are you going to focus on your anger at him and keep you focused on the AR, how it ended, his character, etc., etc., etc.. Or are you going to turn the focus back to you, get back to sleeping and eating properly again, how to use this as a learning and growing opportunity, etc., etc., etc.. One is more beneficial to you than the other.
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