stillafool Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Your wife has been deceived on both ends. Her friend who she was tryinto help, and her husband. That is hard for anyone to get over. The worst betrayal is when your spouse begins an affair with a friend or relative. I would never look at you the same way if you were my husband. But, I am not your wife.
dazzle22 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I think you should let her go through some stages of grieving. Pushing in on her will feel forced to her, and she may take you back before she is 'psychologically ready' and then this will always crop up again over the years. She's probably been through shock, denial, and is at anger at this point.
2sunny Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I cheated, but don't wanna lose my wife! it's no longer what you want - you gave up that right when you betrayed her. it really is up to her. if it continues to be all about what you want the reconciliation will never work, it's just backwards at that point.
Jilly Bean Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 OP - why was your wife so "frustrated" that she started packing up her friends things for her to leave? THAT sounds like your wife suspected something was going on with you two, and was kicking her friend out, OR< was snooping through her things for proof. I mean, even if she was annoyed the friend overstayed her welcome, I don't think she would pack up her stuff for her, or just go through it all. But, through your declarations that you want to work this out, is that underlying attitude that you repeat over and over about how your wife's whole world revolves around you, how you are everything to her, etc. My take is that you started banging the friend, and when she didn't think you hung the moon like your wife does, you lost interest. BUT, by this point, your wife was already highly suspicious, which panicked you, so you crafted a story to try and blameshift to your wife, about her "alleged affair", as a way to lessen your guilt and make you appear "justified". The only hope you have of reconciling is to come clean. Your wife knows you physically cheated, even if you won't admit it. Until you do, she will continue to question everything about you, and your marriage.
scatterd Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Almost everything you said is happening with my husband and I.My husband asked out of the blue for a devoice and was having a friendship he says with a younger girl at work.He claims they did nothing I do not believe him after all the stupid stuff he did.He is trying so hard to make it up I can see the pain and remorse he is doing everything he can and has said the same as you but my trust is gone he did something I believed he never would do he hurt me to the core on top if what he did ,I was struggling already over my dads death and other things he hurt me when I needed him most.All you said your wife feels I also feel,I pray it gets better but the pain is there I trusted him with my life and found out I could not how do you get trust right back I dont know but we are trying because we do love each other some days are better then others but I want it to work because I do love him he says he learned and will never ever hurt me and do that again.Time will tell and we have time My feelings is he has not told me all so I am having a hard time with that.Dont give her up show her lots of love prove it and you wont loose her. Look straight in her eyes and tell her what you told us hold her let her know no one else compares to her build her confidence it was taken away be honest and give her time.We have been together 17 yrs and we will work forever I wish you both thesame :lmao:Good luck!
Dexter Morgan Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I was recently caught cheating. The affair involved text messaging and a card, but never physical. It last only about two weeks and I ended it months ago. My wife of ten years had found a card and I was exposed. I love my wife and never intended to put our marriage in this situation. if you loved your wife, you wouldn't have been giving sweet nothings to another woman. The advice I am looking for is to fully understand the pain I have caused and how can i best repair our marriage. the pain you have caused is even if the marriage is "salvaged", she will look at you from time to time in distrust. She may bottle it up and never speak a word of it after a certain period of time. But now you will have left her with doubts...and those doubts will stay with her forever. It just may come to a point where the doubts are much smaller and she doesn't think about what you did on a daily basis. You want to fully understand the pain....imagine your wife engaging in an emotional affair to somene and you realized she wants this other man to penetrate her and wants him bad....maybe if you picture that you will realize the kind of hurt you have given her. My wife was my high school sweet heart (been together for a total of 15 years). I was her first, she has wanted to marry me since day one, admired me more than anyone else, put full trust in me and every decision i make, has given me a 3 kids (one boy and twin girls) and all i want to do is spend my life making this up to her. and how are you going to do that? She wants to stay together for the children, but i hope to build our marriage back stronger than ever. strong maybe, but never stronger than ever. no matter what she says, there will be a small percentage of her that will not trust you completely again. maybe 95%, but never 100%. It has only been about five weeks since she found out. It started out good, as she was accepting of my constant affection and love I was trying to show her, but the last week and a half has seemed to go downhill. thats because the fog has lifted, the desperation and confusion in her head has left.....she is starting to think more clearly now that the shock is over. And I hope you now cut ALL ties with this so-called friend of hers. if not, then don't bother working on the marriage. Because getting rid of the OW is the FIRST thing you need to do if you are to even try to make it up to her. I have offered to do anything, MC, whatever to build us back. It was a terrible mistake and I hate feeling like two weeks can erase 15 years. what about telling the OW, so-called friend of hers, to never contact you again and the the friendship is now over? you willing to do that?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I think it should take no longer than 2 months or so to work it out. uh, no.....it'll take much longer than that. 2 months she may come to a point where his betrayal doesn't consume his every thought, but things aren't going to be all roses....at least in her mind. I say if things are to improve, it can be up to a year or more.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I do not have real feelings for this friend. nice try buddy. you said you loved her friend in the letter...dont try to backpedal now. She hasn't been in contact with my wife really since HS. The end of the card said " I Love You and Always Will ". I'm a F'n idiot, i know it doesn't make any sense, but I felt this was the only way to get rid of her on good terms that would withstand time? bulls##t, you said it because you meant it or thought you did. You don't get rid of someone by saying you love them. if you didn't have feelings for her you would have told her that you can't destroy your marriage and leave it at that.
Katerina Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Keep asking her what you can do to help her. Let her vent. Tell her how you feel.
samsungxoxo Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 uh, no.....it'll take much longer than that. 2 months she may come to a point where his betrayal doesn't consume his every thought, but things aren't going to be all roses....at least in her mind. I say if things are to improve, it can be up to a year or more.If only writing an ''I love you'' on a card is considered grounds for divorce, going to counseling for years or going through levels of extreme depression then damn... I don't know what to say. Maybe I must be different, but I would say those type of reactions should be if this was an actually physical affair.
stillafool Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 The fact that you wrote this card to a friend of your wife's is what is so unforgivable. There is a rule - no friends or family members. In marriage there is a rule to never cheat. You have a double infraction on you. If your wife does take you back please don't expect her to ever look at you the same way again because she won't. Also don't be surprised if down the road your wife cheats on you. She probably feels it is due.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If only writing an ''I love you'' on a card is considered grounds for divorce, going to counseling for years or going through levels of extreme depression then damn... I don't know what to say. I didn't say its grounds for divorce, but its certainly up to his wife. I said it will take much longer than 2 months for her to not be consumed in thought of his betrayal on a daily basis. And 100% trust will never be there again. There will always be some part of her that not all is right, but it just may be a very small part later on.
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