I cheated, but don't wanna lose my wife!

[Remorseful Hubby]

I was recently caught cheating. The affair involved text messaging and a card, but never physical. It last only about two weeks and I ended it months ago. My wife of ten years had found a card and I was exposed. I love my wife and never intended to put our marriage in this situation. Her best friend from HS moved in after a divorce. The affair began when I began to believe my wife was cheating on internet (she was not). I asked her friend if she would do that and contact was established. My contact (mainly texting) with my wife's friend started out innocent, but i began to notice it turned into being wrong. We decided to stop it, but I gave her a card hoping to end it on good terms and keep our mistake a secret forever. My wife found the card, which mentioned that I Loved Her Friend, but the card was just to end it on good terms.

 

The advice I am looking for is to fully understand the pain I have caused and how can i best repair our marriage. My wife was my high school sweet heart (been together for a total of 15 years). I was her first, she has wanted to marry me since day one, admired me more than anyone else, put full trust in me and every decision i make, has given me a 3 kids (one boy and twin girls) and all i want to do is spend my life making this up to her. She wants to stay together for the children, but i hope to build our marriage back stronger than ever. It has only been about five weeks since she found out. It started out good, as she was accepting of my constant affection and love I was trying to show her, but the last week and a half has seemed to go downhill. I have offered to do anything, MC, whatever to build us back. It was a terrible mistake and I hate feeling like two weeks can erase 15 years.

 

I search daily for hope and uplifting that our marriage can be repaired. I will never give up and never wanna lose her. She is my best friend and besides this mistake, i give 100% of myself to her and my family.

 

I am looking for some advice from both sides, the woman who feels like my wife and the man who succeeded in restoring their marraige. I love her and I am consumed daily with this guilt and hope I can manage not to lose her over this.

 

Thanks!

[Jeff1962]

You betrayed your spouse. Her trust. I do not believe that you did not have sex with this woman. Either way it does not matter. Then you send her a card to end it? You need to look at why you have done this to your trusted partner. You thought she was cheating on you? Why? Feeling guilty or were your thoughts warranted?

[2sure]

. My wife found the card, which mentioned that I Loved Her Friend, but the card was just to end it on good terms.

 

This is great big huge deal. You happened to mention that you love this woman?? Like it was an accident, like your wife is misunderstanding it??

 

You sound sincere in your remorse and wanting to reconcile. But really, the first thing you must do, have to do...is be honest with yourself.

 

As to you told your wife you would do anything...asked her what you can do...

 

Sorry, she probably doesnt know right now. Its up to YOU to do the heavy lifting here. If she isnt sure she wants to go to MC...then YOU go. SHOW her you are taking steps to at least try to figure out what you can do.

 

And as long as your here...like I said, be honest. How did your wife find this card?? Was the woman still living in your home? Etc.

[2sure]

And if I were you:

 

I would never ever again say or even think or mention

 

That you did it because you thought she was cheating when she wasnt.

 

Ever.

[ADF]

Yours was not a small blunder, even if the affair was never consumated. The only thing you have going for you is that you were decent enough to admit what you did. What happens next is really up to your wife, I'm afraid. Once someone betrays a trust, the person who trsuetd them can choose to forgive or not. If she does forgive you, consider it a gift. You sound like a decent guy, all in all. Hope your marriage weathers this.

[samsungxoxo]

I think you would have to become an open book and tell your wife all your feelings. You should also mentioned about the part you thought she was cheating on you online.

 

I think it should take no longer than 2 months or so to work it out. It's not like you slept with the other woman or done physical things in person. You said it wasn't physical so it shouldn't be taking that long.

[linwood]

...... all i want to do is spend my life making this up to her.

 

You don`t need any advice.

You`ve answered your own question.

 

Do what you said you want to do and you`ll get the result you want if she allows it.

[Stung]

 

I think it should take no longer than 2 months or so to work it out. It's not like you slept with the other woman or done physical things in person. You said it wasn't physical so it shouldn't be taking that long.

 

Sorry, but I disagree. The OP told another woman that he LOVED her--his wife's friend of many years, no less! That's a big deal. To many people that would be far worse than, say, a purely physical one night stand with a stranger. Also as they have all known one another since high school I would imagine the wife is now re-evaluating the entire scope of her relationship with her husband, wondering what inappropriate behavior or attraction or touching has been going on between two pillars of her life for the last 15 years. That's a tough one.

 

OP, more details are needed. Why did you send a card stating that you loved the OW if you were really breaking it off? How do you fall in love in 2 weeks--have you really had feelings for this woman for a longer time period? Just how romantic was the wording in the card, what was the context of the word 'love'?

[Remorseful Hubby]

My wife's friend hadn't been staying there for over a month, my wife got frustrated and starting packing her stuff up to move out. She found the card that was supposed to be thrown away. I realized i was headed down the wrong path, but also realized the friend was emotionally unstable. So, I took my time trying to get out of situation and thought card was a good fairwell. I did not really mean everything i was saying in the card, i just wanted her gone on good terms (to keep her mouth shut). This situation made me realize just how close i came to wasting my marriage over meaningless stuff, so i decided to no longer take me wife for granted and make our marriage even better than before (it wasn't bad either). I don't know what caused me to like the attention, i love my wife and see has always been great to me. We did used to text alot and her life revolved around me, but she had to get a job. She began to go to bed early, too tired for sex, on facebook alot and quit texting me. One night i was on the computer and checked her email. I IM popped up and said "Hey, U There", i tried to reply but no luck. That started my questions about her, but it ended up being spam and that situation began my affair.

 

I appreciate your all thoughts and just thought that may answer some of your questions. She just says she no longer feels special, feels our marriage was a lie, lost respect for me, doesn't know who i truly am, but will always love me. I just cant imagine losing her, not only as a friend but as my wife intimately. Shes says shes feels like she lost her husband, the ability to share imitancy with her husband and confide in me. We get along, but i never realized how many reminders there are in the world. I just try to stay positive and keep on keeping on. I want to make her fall in love with me all over again! I just can't lose her, the pain and feeling like a zombie is terrible!

[Remorseful Hubby]

I have never cheated or even thought of it for the ten years of marriage. I do not have real feelings for this friend. She hasn't been in contact with my wife really since HS. The end of the card said " I Love You and Always Will ". I'm a F'n idiot, i know it doesn't make any sense, but I felt this was the only way to get rid of her on good terms that would withstand time?

[Stung]

I have never cheated or even thought of it for the ten years of marriage. I do not have real feelings for this friend. She hasn't been in contact with my wife really since HS. The end of the card said " I Love You and Always Will ". I'm a F'n idiot, i know it doesn't make any sense, but I felt this was the only way to get rid of her on good terms that would withstand time?

 

You told another woman you loved her and always would just to get her off your back? I find this incredibly hard to believe and I don't even have any emotional investment in this situation. You're right, I'm afraid, it makes zero sense and you're going to have a really hard time convincing your wife that you're not backpedaling and gaslighting her. And even if she believes that you said it for no real reason, how then can she believe you when you say you are in love with her, if these words mean so little coming from you?Another side issue, even if you didn't mean it, you said it, to another woman, her friend, changing their friendship dynamic forever. That would not have been ending anything on 'good terms,' it would have been stringing the OW along with a lie, misrepresenting and undermining your own marriage AND giving her some messed up sense of 'power' over your wife. Your idea of good terms is really twisted, to be frank.

 

I don't know. It makes perfect sense to me that your wife is questioning the very foundations of your marriage. Can you understand this as well? Understanding the depth of the wound you have inflicted is a good first step. The last thing you should do now is underestimate her hurt and confusion, or minimize or invalidate it in any way.

 

A previous poster was right, even if your wife is not sure she wants counseling right now you should go ahead and start without her to A) figure out why you were taking your wife for granted and ready to be suspicious about a spambot (this is just sad), B) figure out why you sought attention from another woman to stroke your ego, particularly a woman living in your home and friends with your wife, C) figure out why you would do something like tell a woman you loved her just so she wouldn't be mad at you, if that's really what happened, and D) show your wife you are dead serious about trying to fix the rift and make her feel secure again.

[Remorseful Hubby]

Thank you so much for the advice, it is just what I am looking for. I want to understand her hurt and feelings, so that I can best repair the damage I have done. I struggle with whether I should push for affection and continued words of my love, or should I give her space and not always push to cuddle, hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek and continually say how much i love and appreciate her. Does that only remind her of the damage I've done, or does it help to remind her I am here for her. The first couple of weeks, she was very receptive to kissing, hugging, holding hands as we walk and ride; but she has seemed to withdraw herself a little more lately. She did say she was interested in going on a date this weekend, but do i make it romantic with dinner and movie (typical) or fun to keep our minds on our chemistry?

[Stung]

Thank you so much for the advice, it is just what I am looking for. I want to understand her hurt and feelings, so that I can best repair the damage I have done. I struggle with whether I should push for affection and continued words of my love, or should I give her space and not always push to cuddle, hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek and continually say how much i love and appreciate her. Does that only remind her of the damage I've done, or does it help to remind her I am here for her. The first couple of weeks, she was very receptive to kissing, hugging, holding hands as we walk and ride; but she has seemed to withdraw herself a little more lately. She did say she was interested in going on a date this weekend, but do i make it romantic with dinner and movie (typical) or fun to keep our minds on our chemistry?

 

I am not sure anyone can really answer these questions for you other than your wife herself. Every woman is different in what she wants/appreciates and how she copes with stress or recovers from betrayal. Have you asked her what she needs, what you can do?

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can do now is bare your soul, tell her you love only her and are devastated by the hurt you have caused and are now without a plan of action because you don't know how to fix what you have broken. Let her see your struggle to find the right thing, your desire to make her feel good again. Tell her if she wants you to cuddle her, you will cuddle her until the end of time. Tell her if she wants you to give her space and time to think, you will give her space and time for as long as she needs, but you are not leaving and you will be waiting, and working on yourself in professional counseling in the meantime. And think about how you woo-ed her in the beginning, remember what it was like to win her love, what it was that you did to make her feel loved and safe. You're probably going to have to do all of that all over again...many would say you should never have stopped (I'm just assuming you did because you mentioned you had been taking her for granted).

 

My advice is all theoretical; perhaps others can give you more practical advice.

 

I really hope you're honestly looking for ways to clear this all up and not seeking help in covering up something worse.

[Remorseful Hubby]

I'll talk to her about that tonight. It's not that I took her for granted, it was just when i realized what i did and how i could lose her, the little aggravations and fights seemed so unimportant. For instance, who cares if she's messy or relies too much on me to do things; at least i get to pick up after her daily, iron her shirt if she's running late, get to go to the grocery cause she waited on me - all of that no longer aggravated me, because at least I still got to do that for the love of my life.

[Stung]

Everybody lets the little aggravations get in the way of the big picture sometimes. You could do worse than to tell her about that, and your realization that she is the love of your life.

 

People on this board talk about 'transparency' a lot. Making your life an open book to the wronged spouse, during the time when she is reasonably doubting your word. Have you offered to let her look through your email, your cell phone, given her passwords? Your offering to forego your privacy for a while might go a ways towards soothing her fears, reassuring her that perhaps you are the man she used to think you were.

[2sunny]

My wife's friend hadn't been staying there for over a month, my wife got frustrated and starting packing her stuff up to move out. She found the card that was supposed to be thrown away. I realized i was headed down the wrong path, but also realized the friend was emotionally unstable. So, I took my time trying to get out of situation and thought card was a good fairwell. I did not really mean everything i was saying in the card, i just wanted her gone on good terms (to keep her mouth shut). This situation made me realize just how close i came to wasting my marriage over meaningless stuff, so i decided to no longer take me wife for granted and make our marriage even better than before (it wasn't bad either). I don't know what caused me to like the attention, i love my wife and see has always been great to me. We did used to text alot and her life revolved around me, but she had to get a job. She began to go to bed early, too tired for sex, on facebook alot and quit texting me. One night i was on the computer and checked her email. I IM popped up and said "Hey, U There", i tried to reply but no luck. That started my questions about her, but it ended up being spam and that situation began my affair.

 

I appreciate your all thoughts and just thought that may answer some of your questions. She just says she no longer feels special, feels our marriage was a lie, lost respect for me, doesn't know who i truly am, but will always love me. I just cant imagine losing her, not only as a friend but as my wife intimately. Shes says shes feels like she lost her husband, the ability to share imitancy with her husband and confide in me. We get along, but i never realized how many reminders there are in the world. I just try to stay positive and keep on keeping on. I want to make her fall in love with me all over again! I just can't lose her, the pain and feeling like a zombie is terrible!

 

i don't believe you. my gut is rarely wrong - but you are minimizing this throughout all your posts.

 

admit it - all of it. i don't believe it was just text and a card... no way - no how.

 

be honest. that is the best place to start.

[Jeff1962]

I have never cheated or even thought of it for the ten years of marriage. I do not have real feelings for this friend. She hasn't been in contact with my wife really since HS. The end of the card said " I Love You and Always Will ". I'm a F'n idiot, i know it doesn't make any sense, but I felt this was the only way to get rid of her on good terms that would withstand time?

 

If this card were from my wife to another man, given with everything you have said in this thread, I would be crushed. No one in the world would ever convince me that something had not happened.

 

Dude. You'd better kiss your wife's A, if you did not cheat. If you did, you should be honest with her.

 

You need to figure out exactly why you did this in the first place.

[Stung]

i don't believe you. my gut is rarely wrong - but you are minimizing this throughout all your posts.

 

admit it - all of it. i don't believe it was just text and a card... no way - no how.

 

be honest. that is the best place to start.

 

Yeah, I'm not convinced either...it's a pretty hard-to-swallow story as told and does read a lot like a kid doing his damnedest to backpedal out of breaking the cookie jar.

 

OP, the bottom line is you need to come clean about everything. Coming clean to us would be nice, particularly if you really want helpful advice, but coming clean to your wife is ESSENTIAL. If you respect her as a human being, be honest with her. Lying, omitting, minimizing, fudging, gaslighting--at this point all are just cruelty, prolonging the agony, making her doubt herself as well as you, warping her reality. You seem like a guy who dislikes confrontation--but you do respect your wife as a human being, I hope. Time to be fully, painfully honest. This is the point where a marriage is more likely to be lost forever due to lying than to the original infidelity.

 

This board is full of stories of spouses who found out about infidelity and tried to stick by their marriages and fix the rifts, only to find out later their adulterous spouses had been lying to them about the affair from the beginning. I have never yet seen such a story end happily ever after.

[spriggig]

This board is full of stories of spouses who found out about infidelity and tried to stick by their marriages and fix the rifts, only to find out later their adulterous spouses had been lying to them about the affair from the beginning. I have never yet seen such a story end happily ever after.

 

You gotta come clean. This board is a good place to start. I think this board has heard it all.

[whatstartoutasfriend]

I am very happy I found this thread. I am in a similiar situation, except that I am texting my 'friend' currently. If I may ask, what kind of 'texts' were you and your 'friend' sharing? My guy friend and I do NOT send sexual texts or anything like that. Our texts are friendly banter and jokes between the two of us. I just wonder, what constitutes friendly texts and what consititutes a texting affair?

[CarrieT]

what constitutes friendly texts and what consititutes a texting affair?

 

Does your partner know you are texting to a "friend?" THAT is where the line is drawn -- if you can be open and honest with all of your communication with another person, then there is no affair. Otherwise, it could be an "emotional affair" which leads to other things like lying to your partner, deceit, and potential infidelities.

 

Pretty simple, when you think about it...

[Tea]

You gotta come clean. This board is a good place to start. I think this board has heard it all.

 

Everybody is right. If I found this card and my husband wrote that and said "I didn't mean it." the WHY WHY WHY?! would be screaming in my head. The ending the relationship amicably would just make me more angry because I see it as a bunch of bull honkey.

 

If my husband would say, "okay, listen. I really fell into this weird situation where I loved the attention she gave me and looked forward to her texts. Then I realized it was too much and wrote her the card. Maybe I confused love with just appreciation for the attention, but I really just wanted to cut it off. I shouldn't have told her I loved her, but the nature of the texts by then was out of control and I was confused. What I knew for sure was that I did not want to continue having contact with her b/c I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

 

THAT, I would buy. Your story, BULL HONKEY!! I wouldn't even consider starting to forgive at this point no matter what you say.

 

You have to go into detail the EXACT emotions you were going through at that time, as hurtful to her as it may be. Nut up, buddy.

[Dexter Morgan]

The advice I am looking for is to fully understand the pain I have caused

 

only way for you to truly understand the pain you have caused is for your wife to go out and get pleasured by some stud and her enjoying the hell out of it.

 

maybe you can just sit and imagine your wife in ecstacy with another man....maybe you will understand. But nothing beats the real life experience.

 

 

and how can i best repair our marriage.

 

act like a husband for starters. you stay your ass home now from here on out, you lost the privileges of a trusting wife. You now must show her you have interest in being a husband and not wanting to go out and do things that are more condusive to cheating, like partying with the guys, drinking...etc.

 

if you aren't willing to show her in those kinds of ways, then just do her a favor and file for divorce.

 

 

She wants to stay together for the children, but i hope to build our marriage back stronger than ever.

 

you may be able to salvage it and make it decent again, but stronger than ever? how is that going to be possible when she will NEVER forget what you did to her? You remember, YOU did this to her, not the other way around. so you have NO IDEA what thoughts are going to be going through her head. You may think one day all is fine and dandy, and on the surface it may seem so.

 

but make no mistake, you will have scarred her and she WILL relive in her mind you being with another woman and will look at you with suspicion from time to time...it might just get to a point where its not all the time.

 

 

It has only been about five weeks since she found out. It started out good, as she was accepting of my constant affection and love I was trying to show her, but the last week and a half has seemed to go downhill.

 

thats because people that have been betrayed go through this desperation faze in which I feel they need to prove that they can hold on to their cheating spouse...as if it was something wrong with her that you cheated.

 

But as the fog lifts, she is now probably thinking more clearly and isn't as accepting now because the shock is over.

 

 

I search daily for hope and uplifting that our marriage can be repaired. I will never give up and never wanna lose her. She is my best friend and besides this mistake, i give 100% of myself to her and my family.

 

 

do you have a daughter? what would you do if a husband cheated on her?

 

what would you do if you found out, because of what you did, that your wife went out and had an affair and confided in another man?

 

 

I am looking for some advice from both sides, the woman who feels like my wife and the man who succeeded in restoring their marraige. I love her and I am consumed daily with this guilt and hope I can manage not to lose her over this.

 

Thanks!

 

 

then you better be prepared to let the ball stay in her court for a LONG time. she says "jump!", you say "how high".

 

If some buddies want to go out for a night on the town, don't expect her to be too flexible. Remember, you f####d that up. You show her that she means more to you than anything that might give her suspicions about you. and again, if you aren't willing to sacrifice and give up certain things....then just do her a favor so she can find someone that would put her first.

[salsal]

hi,

I am a 45 year old lady, 2 years ago I discovered that my husband of 20 years

was having what you call an emotional affair with a colleague , just like you a lot of texting but nothing physical, as a mater of fact 200 texts in one month and 100 phone calls, only discovered it from the telstra bill.

When I confronted him he was very remorseful ,he said it was just an infatuation, never even told her he loved her and he has no real feeling towards her. I was in a state of shock , followed by a lot of anger as I had so much trust in my husband. this was 2 years ago, he is now very affectionate, caring , and he feels so bad at how much he hurt me. until now 2 years later I can not forget what he has done , I would give anything to try and know what was in those texts , I feel that this will never leave me and that one day I will just explode and it will end our marriage , we have 2 lovely boys .

I wish I can tell you that it will be fine but it has not with me , what my husband has done lives with me every day and torments me and he knows that we just try and live as if everything is just as it used to be,

salsal 18 march 2010

[nichole2004]

I will be gentle and tell you this-your one step ahead of most cheating men. Most men when caught will deny it till death or deflect the blame onto the wife in some form. You do take responsibility and I give you HUGE credit for that. I also give you major browny points for trying to understand how your wife is feeling during this horrible time. Most cheaters just want to try to forget about it and act like it never happened.

 

With that being said, i agree with the previous post- i dont believe it was just texting. Men are very physical beings, and to say you love someone almost alway involves physical in some sort of way.

 

To answer your question-to fully understand the pain you caused-well thats hard because each woman is different. Maybe it will help to tell you how I felt when my husband cheated on me with my best friend.

 

I felt like the lowest person on earth. I felt like I was literally the blunt of the joke in everybodys world. It feels like not only you get punched in the stomach by your husband but then you turn around and get punched in the back by your friend. Your hulimated because you think everybody around knows and has known for a long time-but they didnt tell you.

 

The pain from the harsh double punches dosnt go away like a physical punch although. It lingers.....and while you analyze everything you just found out you cant help to blame yourself. Logically this is insane. Your wife did nothing wrong. But she will process everything from what did i do to make him not love me, not respect me....to what didnt I do to keep him in my arms.

This analysis will linger for a long time to. Women tend to blame themselves for the short comings in there marriage. Next she will probably try to make your evry existance as happy as she possible can. She will look at the other woman and analyize the difference between herself and the OW. She will try to change her own self to more match to OW because in her mind that is what you want. She feels something is so wrong with her that you cant truely love her....so as a woman and a wife she will do ANYTHING to fix it for your behalf and greater good. (this is not good because she is only thinking about you, like you were when you caused this)

 

you might think that this is going to be the hardest part... well strap on your seat belt cause its not. Remember that punch I was talking about earlier....the whole time its been lingering at the pit of her stomach. Then she goes into the anger phase. This is where that punch feeling becomes numb. Its weird you dont feel anything (to have no feelings-anger, sadness, love-it really scary). You can kiss her, make love to her, say the sweetest things, bring her the moon, and she will have no feelings, no emotions (she will probably fake the feeling although just to get through the day).

 

This is when she realizes that it wasent her fault and that there is nothing she could have done or ever could do to fix it. The numb feeling is scary because its odd to not have no only feelings for your husband (even though she knows she love you because other wise she would have left), but for any one else for that matter. Her good friend also did this to her!!! If you cant trust your friends then who can you really trust. It is the most lonely feeling in the world to feel like nobody is on your side and nobody cared enough for you to stand up and say HEY this is the most amazing woman and she dosnt deserve this.

 

But nobody did.

 

obviously you both thought that she was stupid enough not to catch you and that just shows zero respect for her on both of your parts.

 

So how do you fix it. That question I am not sure on how to answer. My husband or best friend still refuses to admit it to me that they had an affair so I havnt reached that phase yet. Let me tell you something though if more went on you need to tell her. It will eventually come out and that will be the deal breaker. So if you truely love your wife and respect her come clean.

 

She will bring this up for years to come and wont trust you for even longer. If she wakes you up in the middle of the night wanting you to anwer any question, small or big you better answer it with eagerness. You better be prepared for the a long agonizing road. But remember you caused this. You took the probably the only person who would die for you in a heart beat and rub her face on the soles of your shoes after you walked through poo.

good luck you seem to realy love your wife