My thoughts on cheating

[Spark1111]

Yes Indeed

 

And you don't get days off. The job doesn't end a 5pm. It is all the time every day.

 

You don't even get the validation of a paycheck, a raise, a promotion.

 

It is hard/ valuable work.

 

And payment at the end of the day DOES NOT INCLUDE OBLIGATORY SEX, IMHO.

 

Sex is to show how much you love, enjoy and APPRECIATE each other's love and RESPECT for the jobs you both do to contribute to the family unit.

[Spark1111]

 

Spark, I do not agree with his way of doing things. But I have learnt to understand how he functions. I think you and I probably lie much closer in how to handle a situation like this than my MM and I do. You don't need to convince me, I already think pretty much like you do. I was honest, I left my SO.

 

Jennie....

 

Than I will tell you this: If he truly is a split self and not a heartless cad, if he is truly conflicted about always doing the right thing.....than prepare to talk him down from the ledge if your affair ever reaches the light of day; when he goes home and this decent guy see his wife hysterical and his children, that he adores, crying or looking at him with hatred in their eyes....

 

Just be prepared for a suicidal man who may or may not throw you under the bus, not because he doesn't have feelings for you, but because these two "split-selves" are forced to face each other under the harsh light of familial judgement and the painful fall out from this true but secret love for you.

 

Just be prepared for a man who spirals into a major depression because until he sees the pain he caused by keeping YOU secret on the faces of his wife and children....will he realize how he DID NOT do the right thing by anyone and that stressor can make some men want to jump off a bridge so they never have see that pain in anyone's eyes.

 

I've lived this. Trust me. Could you live with yourself if this happened?

[PhoenixRise]

He has 6 underage kids. The youngest was 4 when our affair started. A couple of them are nearing adulthood now.

 

Oh Jennie

 

Do you realistically think this man is going to voluntarily leave his 8-9 year old and his other 5 children to build a relationship with you in the open?

 

Maybe if there is a dday his wife will kick him out and divorce him, but if this happens I think he will beg her to come back. AND do you ever worry that if a dday does end his marriage he will be too guilt stricken, too much of an emotional mess in the wake of the devastation he has caused his wife and children to even have a healthy relationship with you?

[BB07]

First of all, I have always been faithful so I cannot really wrap my mind around an affair. These are just my thoughts.

 

If you cheat, you should tell your spouse so that they can either do the same or end the relationship or heal it, knowing all truth.

 

Now, I think some of you who have cheated would have a problem with your spouse being with another person, yet it's ok for you to do so. Tell them so that they can have the choice to revenge f**k someone so that you can know how it feels to know that your spouse is being intimate with another.

 

Just a thought. I guarantee you, if I ever found out that my wife had an affair, I would be out for total revenge first. If I knew that she gave to another man what should only be given to me, I would give everything of myself to another woman. I would even try it hanging from the ceiling fan if I could.

 

Something to think about. So, before you cheat, think about if you would be ok with your spouse doing the same.

 

 

Jeff.......I have a question for you, curious minds want to know.

 

I've read enough of your posts to know that you are very unhappy with your marriage and you have very strong feelings against cheating, but yet so many of your posts are about cheating............why is that?

 

I just find it odd that you seem to have a strange interest in this subject and I can't help but wonder why.

[PhoenixRise]

And payment at the end of the day DOES NOT INCLUDE OBLIGATORY SEX, IMHO.

 

Sex is to show how much you love, enjoy and APPRECIATE each other's love and RESPECT for the jobs you both do to contribute to the family unit.

 

 

Obligatory sex in return for taking on a thankless job that never ends?? Never.

 

Appreciation for the role of the homemaker and the role of the breadwinner is absolutely necessary.

[califnan]

Stop selling yourself short then! Woman to woman, it's the toughest job out there. If you do not believe it, when YOU start bringing a paycheck home and HE has to start picking some of the tasks YOU did everyday, watch the changes that take place.

 

YOU provide an invaluable service to your spouse and your children and everyone should heap gratitude not only that you do it, but that you are happy to do it.

 

DON'T FORGET that you deserve RESPECT for the SAHM job!

 

-------------------

 

Spark; Have been on Both sides. Nearly two decades as a stay-at-home wife / mother - managing a home, gardens, pool, cooking, twin sons. I will take That life Anytime - compared to working in the outside world with a job (Grueling). Have been in the working world for over two decades ..

 

I only posted this topic to show my illustration as to why I think many of the women who have affairs (while showing just toleration for their husbands) - do not tell their husbands of their affairs .. because the women are being financially kept by their husbands, or not self supporting..

[Jeff1962]

Jeff, what you believe is what everyone does....that and an immediate divorce upon the discovery of a cheating spouse.

 

I know I did.

 

When the reality hit, I was angry and devastated and cried and raged. I really love the man, always have, and have also NEVER been unfaithful, even through some really rough patches.

 

While everyone above me on this post can debate the vows, I took them seriously to heart and always believed HE DID TOO.

 

In all honesty, after DDAY and his continued confusion, I seriously thought about a revenge affair. Why? Not so much to hurt him, but because I was so hurt.

 

I NEVER felt uglier and more worthless in my life because I was forced to assume my love and devotion WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE MAN I LOVED.

 

So then I thought, who would it be good enough for?, and it was less about sex, or revenge, as it was an antidote for my pain and battered self-esteem. I thought if someone, anyone found me desirable, maybe it would hurt less. Those were my thoughts in my darkest moments.

 

But, I did not do it. I realized, no matter what craziness, that just wasn't who I was and had never been. It would have caused more pain to an already too painful situation.

 

I had ALWAYS had my integrity and I wanted to come through this most horrible discovery with that intact.

 

I am so glad I did, no matter what the outcome of the future would hold, I will always have that acted true to my authentic self and I am proud of that today.

 

Dear woman. I tip my hat to you. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and situation. Very heart felt.

[Jeff1962]

Jeff.......I have a question for you, curious minds want to know.

 

I've read enough of your posts to know that you are very unhappy with your marriage and you have very strong feelings against cheating, but yet so many of your posts are about cheating............why is that?

 

I just find it odd that you seem to have a strange interest in this subject and I can't help but wonder why.

 

To be honest, I am angry with my wife over certian non-sexual issues and sexually frustrated. I am lonely. Why don't I bring these issues up you might ask? Because I am always wrong. Do not look into my posts for something that is not there. I have not cheated but sometimes I can see why some people choose to. This is just not how I am though. I'm just trying to work thru a difficult time in my life. Trying to figure out where this is all going.

[Jeff1962]

Another thought BB07. Maybe you should go back a re-read my original post in this thread.

[on1wheel]

Allow me to add my perspective as a man who's wife had an affair. Oh & btw, I totally agree with the posts about marriage doesn't mean what it used to to some people. I wish I knew that about her b4 we had a child.

Anyway, getting ahead of myself here. We had been together 5 1/2 yrs, married for just over 3 when I caught her. She denied it when I asked her over & over, but a spouse just knows. Anyway, I had told her b4 we got engaged that an affair was the only thing I would walk away from w/o trying to fix the relationship.

So my 1st reaction was to leave & have a revenge F*ck while still technically married. Already had it all lined up with an ex that always wanted me back, but I couldn't do it. I took vows & made a promise in front of God, friends & family & it was "til' death do us part", not "til' I find of she's a cheating whore & do the same".

I wanted to be able to look back on my life & say I was the best man, husband & father I possible could have been. There is a place for cheaters, killers etc...if you believe in that sort of thing.

So here I was not going to cheat, wanting a D badly so I could get on with my life & find a woman more like me. But when I asked for the D, she wanted another chance, said she would spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to me & that she would never do it again. I still wanted the D, but I kept looking @ my innocent 19 mth old daughter looking @ me & I just couldn't do it.

You see I stopped being important to me when my daughter drew her 1st breath. I swore to God that I would do WHETEVER I had to do to protect her from pain &/or harm. Me leaving would be great for me, but would make her the victim of a broken home & send her into poverty. If I would die to protect her, then risking being cheated on again seemed like a bargain.

For those of you who think I am weak or pathetic for staying, I ask "if you had a baby & made the promise that I had made, could you walk away knowing what it would do to them?" If so, then you & I have nothing in common & I question your devotion to your chid(ren).

In closing, I say to all you cheaters "just end the relationship if you have to F*ck someone else that bad...it is so selfish & so painful for your partner if you cheat". I will NEVER get over the betrayal, I suffer everyday even after 2+ yrs & I feel a part of me has died. I will never fully trust another woman, I will die with sadness in my heart for not doing what I needed to do to fully heal (divorce the cheater) but everytime I look @ how happy/healthy my now 4 year old daughter is; well my soul smiles.

Let no one who hasn't lived what I have lived judge me. Karma will take care of the cheaters in this world.

[jennie-jennie]

 

Jennie....

 

Than I will tell you this: If he truly is a split self and not a heartless cad, if he is truly conflicted about always doing the right thing.....than prepare to talk him down from the ledge if your affair ever reaches the light of day; when he goes home and this decent guy see his wife hysterical and his children, that he adores, crying or looking at him with hatred in their eyes....

 

Just be prepared for a suicidal man who may or may not throw you under the bus, not because he doesn't have feelings for you, but because these two "split-selves" are forced to face each other under the harsh light of familial judgement and the painful fall out from this true but secret love for you.

 

Just be prepared for a man who spirals into a major depression because until he sees the pain he caused by keeping YOU secret on the faces of his wife and children....will he realize how he DID NOT do the right thing by anyone and that stressor can make some men want to jump off a bridge so they never have see that pain in anyone's eyes.

 

I've lived this. Trust me. Could you live with yourself if this happened?

 

Spark, your description above may be closer to the truth than anything written here on this thread before about my MM. It takes into account his true character.

 

Could I live with myself if that happened? There has been nothing I could have done differently. I have been true to myself and my values all along.

 

I was pretty broken when my MM contacted me, and he picked me up and made me trust again, made me more whole again. I did not know you could love like he does and still stay in a marriage. When I understood that it was too late, all I could do was realize I was the OW for the long run.

 

I too have been a BS, albeit not with a WS in such a long term extramarital relationship. I know the pain. But altruism is weaker than love.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh Jennie

Do you realistically think this man is going to voluntarily leave his 8-9 year old and his other 5 children to build a relationship with you in the open?

No, that is why I have accepted being a long term OW.

Maybe if there is a dday his wife will kick him out and divorce him, but if this happens I think he will beg her to come back. AND do you ever worry that if a dday does end his marriage he will be too guilt stricken, too much of an emotional mess in the wake of the devastation he has caused his wife and children to even have a healthy relationship with you?

 

Yes.

 

(10 characters necessary)

[jennie-jennie]

Oh Jennie,

 

I had not realised before how many and how young...

 

I am concerned for you - I know you don't accept it, but what you are doing is something utterly terrible to his wife - this is the stuff of which life and death is made. I think it wrong that you take no real responsibility for the role you play in this man's betrayal of all he seems to hold dear.

If as you say he is truly a split-self, ie a nice guy but torn between you and his family then your role in this, is as a willing participant, in tearing apart a family. Presumably you accept that if not for you then this wouldn't otherwise be happening because he is a nice guy and it's just that you are a long lost love from his past.

 

If on the other hand he is just a typical MM in an A (and I know you don't like to think this is true) then your presence in his life is really optional. If it wasn't you it would be someone else.

You bring up something interesting here. I am his long lost love and therefore I was already in his heart. I don't think he would have let any new woman in there. He was a very faithful husband.

 

On the other hand, if he is indeed a split self, what would he then have done to sooth this split had he not gotten in contact with me?

I don't know whether you are just a very strong woman who feels she is able to bear the condemnation that will rain down on you from his family when it comes to light, or are just completely amoral. I hope it is not the latter but I fear for you that maybe you are not as strong as you think. In which case you may well be destroyed as well by the fallout. It's almost certain that a d-day will wreak absolute havoc on him, his wife and his family of 6 young children.

 

I am so sad for you as you seem like a genuine and thinking person.

 

Thanks for your concern, Myrtle. I am a very strong woman who feels I am able to bear the condemnation from his family on a Dday. I know you don't like when I bring it up, since I will not reveal which country, but the culture of my country plays in here. Remember all my friends, my family, my elderly parents know of my relationship (and the number of children) and are supportive of me. That says something about the culture I live in.

Edited March 13, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

Because he is doing the best he can to fulfill the promises he has made. Remember he tried and tried to end our relationship until he finally gave up and gave in to the fact that he was not capable of doing so. He is living a compromise, trying to do his best.

I did not know people like him existed before, people who valued vows and promises so much they would even be dishonest to keep them. I have had to learn that the hard way. Life is complicated. There are different kinds of people out there. For some people getting a divorce is a very difficult step to take.

 

Just so nobody gets me wrong this time, "I did not know people like him existed before" does not equal "deserve to die".

[Woggle]

My thoughts are that if you can't stay faithful do not commit to somebody else. Betraying another person is one of the lowest things you can do to another person.

[Spark1111]

Dear woman. I tip my hat to you. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and situation. Very heart felt.

 

Jeff, I also wanted to share this:

 

I DID kick him out, told him to go get her, and began to plan my future without him.

 

At that point in time, he did a complete 180 and started begging to come home. I refused, and he started to discuss this want of his with his OW. Can you imagine? My heart broke for her at that point.

 

But yes, he did become obsessed with who I was with and what I was doing. If he was unable to get me to pick up his constant calling ( I refused), he started to call our children, my girlfriends....all trying to pinpoint my whereabouts; where before DDay, he hardly seemed to care what planet I existed on.

 

For a year after we finally reconciled, he was incredibly jealous of everyone I talked to or mentioned; counselors call this projection and it is pretty common. A WS realizes the ease in which you can lie to and deceive a person who loves you, so now that they have decided they do love YOU, the BS, they "project" their former actions onto you. Crazy and confusing times, indeed!

 

But the answer is yes; a truly remorseful spouse will now envision you in their imagination carrying on all the deeds they did while cheating, and it serves to torture them for a while.

 

Ahhhhh, karma....it is a beautiful thing.

[Snowflower]

Allow me to add my perspective as a man who's wife had an affair. Oh & btw, I totally agree with the posts about marriage doesn't mean what it used to to some people. I wish I knew that about her b4 we had a child.

Anyway, getting ahead of myself here. We had been together 5 1/2 yrs, married for just over 3 when I caught her. She denied it when I asked her over & over, but a spouse just knows. Anyway, I had told her b4 we got engaged that an affair was the only thing I would walk away from w/o trying to fix the relationship.

So my 1st reaction was to leave & have a revenge F*ck while still technically married. Already had it all lined up with an ex that always wanted me back, but I couldn't do it. I took vows & made a promise in front of God, friends & family & it was "til' death do us part", not "til' I find of she's a cheating whore & do the same".

I wanted to be able to look back on my life & say I was the best man, husband & father I possible could have been. There is a place for cheaters, killers etc...if you believe in that sort of thing.

So here I was not going to cheat, wanting a D badly so I could get on with my life & find a woman more like me. But when I asked for the D, she wanted another chance, said she would spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to me & that she would never do it again. I still wanted the D, but I kept looking @ my innocent 19 mth old daughter looking @ me & I just couldn't do it.

You see I stopped being important to me when my daughter drew her 1st breath. I swore to God that I would do WHETEVER I had to do to protect her from pain &/or harm. Me leaving would be great for me, but would make her the victim of a broken home & send her into poverty. If I would die to protect her, then risking being cheated on again seemed like a bargain.

For those of you who think I am weak or pathetic for staying, I ask "if you had a baby & made the promise that I had made, could you walk away knowing what it would do to them?" If so, then you & I have nothing in common & I question your devotion to your chid(ren).

In closing, I say to all you cheaters "just end the relationship if you have to F*ck someone else that bad...it is so selfish & so painful for your partner if you cheat". I will NEVER get over the betrayal, I suffer everyday even after 2+ yrs & I feel a part of me has died. I will never fully trust another woman, I will die with sadness in my heart for not doing what I needed to do to fully heal (divorce the cheater) but everytime I look @ how happy/healthy my now 4 year old daughter is; well my soul smiles.

Let no one who hasn't lived what I have lived judge me. Karma will take care of the cheaters in this world.

 

It's nice to know there are still men like you in this world.

 

Why in the heck can't cheaters marry other cheaters and non-cheaters marry non-cheaters? Then no one would get hurt.

 

I will say this though, I really, really think you should divorce your wife if you feel the way you do (I bolded the pertinent parts of your post). It appears to me that staying in your marriage is slowly destroying your soul. Is that truly fair to you? I know you are doing this for your child and I truly commend you for trying to do right by your daughter. I am also a parent and I understand the sacrifices we make for our children. You mention that your daughter would grow up in poverty? Couldn't you still support her even if you divorced? I guess I don't understand what you are saying here.

 

I don't see you as weak or pathetic at all for staying and trying to do the right thing. It is a true sign of strength and character to be willing to try again with someone who has betrayed you so horribly. I also stayed with my WH and I can empathize with some of what you say.

 

I think you should reconsider staying in your marriage. No child would want to see their parent miserable--I know your daughter is very young right now but when she is older she will understand more.

 

I'm not sure if any of this helps and it's just my humble opinion. But you seem so anguished and unhappy in your posts that it makes me sad for you. You deserve to live a life where you are not in anguish over the choices your wife made.

[salsal]

totally agree with your view on cheating . can not believe its coming from a man, you're a man right?

wish my husband thinks that way , he would have never had an emotional affair with that bitch.