Jeff1962 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 (edited) First of all, I have always been faithful so I cannot really wrap my mind around an affair. These are just my thoughts. If you cheat, you should tell your spouse so that they can either do the same or end the relationship or heal it, knowing all truth. Now, I think some of you who have cheated would have a problem with your spouse being with another person, yet it's ok for you to do so. Tell them so that they can have the choice to revenge f**k someone so that you can know how it feels to know that your spouse is being intimate with another. Just a thought. I guarantee you, if I ever found out that my wife had an affair, I would be out for total revenge first. If I knew that she gave to another man what should only be given to me, I would give everything of myself to another woman. I would even try it hanging from the ceiling fan if I could. Something to think about. So, before you cheat, think about if you would be ok with your spouse doing the same. Edited March 12, 2010 by Jeff1962 spelling
EmmaLou Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I completely agree with everything you've said, it's so good to hear that some people still think like this. There are a lot of double standards regarding cheating.. I know someone who's husband had an affair, and she mostly blamed the 'other woman' for stealing a married man.. (If my partner cheated I wouldn't care what the other woman did, it would all rest on my guy.) But once this woman divorced her cheating husband, she then got together with a man who was still with his partner of 25 years(unmarried)... and said; "well he's not married, so it's different" Also, on CSI the other night (I know it's fiction but this does happen! ) A wife and husband were both knowingly cheating on each other, not an open marriage as they kept their cheating lives secret but both partners knew.. They both seemed fine with it. Then the husband ends up killing one of his wifes lovers, and she doesn't understand why when he's cheated himself? And he said... "Yes but I'm a MAN! It's expected, but your behaviour is embarrassing me!" I even joined a dating site under a fake profile looking for 'intimate encounters' to see how many married men would message me. It was most.. I asked them why didn't they seperate, or be open about it so their wives could sleep around too... they said they loved their wives and didn't want to leave them, but wanted some extra discreet fun.
scatterd Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I am with the both of you why be married if you cant stay faithful.Break it off then do what you want but marriage should be for life.I guess its just a peice of paper for some.I take my vows serious I am not into playing house and hurting the one I promised to love honor and cherish through sickness and health.It seems like its hard to find the honest ones.
Disintegration Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I agree. I originally thought that if my H had an affair I would totally pay him back, however I don't know if I would. Two wrongs don't make a right, I think I'd just be utterly hurt and disgusted. I would just leave him and divorce him. However I can't really say unless I'm in that situation 'cause you never know what you'd do. I agree though, honesty is best and I personally would want to know so I could decide what I wanted to do regarding my life.
xxoo Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I do NOT understand cheating. Just leave and screw whoever you want. Or, at the very least, let your partner know you are choosing to sleep with others, so they can make a choice if they want to stay with you. Cheating in secrecy is wrong, wrong, wrong. I believe there are very valid reasons for ending a marriage. Divorce is a valid option. Cheating is not. FTR, I feel the same for any commited relationship that promised monogamy--married or not.
jennie-jennie Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I DID not understand cheating. I have had to learn to understand it because the man I love continues to stay married. He is a good man who wants everyone good, so I had to dig deeper to understand what motivates a good person to stay married although he/she loves and is in a relationship with someone else. Had I not fallen in love with such a man I would never had understood what motivates long term infidelity. Now I know.
Disintegration Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I do NOT understand cheating. Just leave and screw whoever you want. Or, at the very least, let your partner know you are choosing to sleep with others, so they can make a choice if they want to stay with you. Cheating in secrecy is wrong, wrong, wrong. I believe there are very valid reasons for ending a marriage. Divorce is a valid option. Cheating is not. FTR, I feel the same for any commited relationship that promised monogamy--married or not. Tell it! I think cheating when you're in a long term relationship with a bf/gf is just as bad as when a couple is married. It's still cheating and wrong.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Had I found out that Mr. Messy was cheating early on in our M, I probably would have paid him back 10 fold. Not by cheating, not my thing, but the things that I could come up with would make your skin crawl. I would have been one for public humiliation and destruction. I wouldn't want to do that now. I wouldn't mind if he developed a rash in a place hard to scratch in public:rolleyes:, but again, that wouldn't do anything to enhance my life or the life of my children. I am almost at the point of indifference because most of the post A antics(from him and ow) have subsided. It allows me to focus on those things that are most important. I agree with all of you for full disclosure, but as a FBS, what else would I say. I am not trying to hide anything. I am not trying to make things easier for myself. I would perfer all the details for making choices about my life, but apparently some people operate from a different place. I wouldn't buy a house without all the details, I would make medical decisions without all the details, I wouldn't make any life altering decisions without all the pros and cons. I have to know what something is worth to me and see if it is worth the investment. Too bad there isn't an lemon law for marriages.
Author Jeff1962 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 I think a lot of us loose communication with eachother over a period of time. Little hurts, a misplaced thoughtless word here and there can do quite a bit of damage. Maybe we feel as if the other one does not hear us or acts as if our feelings are not valid so we eventually, over a course of time, close up. This is not the right solution by any means but self preservation is a human trait. To be honest, I have closed myself off from my wife emotionally. I have not been mean in any way, just very distant. She has noticed and asked several times as to why or what. I always tell her nothing is wrong because my feelings are always not valid according to her. So I hold them unto myself to spare myself more pain. To be honest again, I dream of a woman to love me. She posesses so many different faces which still leave me empty in reality. I so want for my wife to be that woman but I fear it is too late because I know myself, I know how I feel inside. I have had opportunities with other women but I can't go this route. This is just not how I am. I am left lonely and frustrated. I could not do this to my wife. I think the right thing to do would be to leave before this happened.
onedayatatyme Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I DID not understand cheating. I have had to learn to understand it because the man I love continues to stay married. He is a good man who wants everyone good, so I had to dig deeper to understand what motivates a good person to stay married although he/she loves and is in a relationship with someone else. Had I not fallen in love with such a man I would never had understood what motivates long term infidelity. Now I know. Jennie, hate to say it but calling your lover a "good man" reeks of moral relativism. Would his wife say he's a good man if she knew? What he is doing is not OK and neither is what you are doing. I'm not judging you or "your" man, only your actions. He is choosing to lie to his wife day in and day out. This is a person that he promised to love and protect forever.
Author Jeff1962 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Jennie, hate to say it but calling your lover a "good man" reeks of moral relativism. Would his wife say he's a good man if she knew? What he is doing is not OK and neither is what you are doing. I'm not judging you or "your" man, only your actions. He is choosing to lie to his wife day in and day out. This is a person that he promised to love and protect forever. In no way am I judging either but I have to say well said. Jennie, you deserve better than this.
troggleputty Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I DID not understand cheating. I have had to learn to understand it because the man I love continues to stay married. He is a good man who wants everyone good, so I had to dig deeper to understand what motivates a good person to stay married although he/she loves and is in a relationship with someone else. Had I not fallen in love with such a man I would never had understood what motivates long term infidelity. Now I know. This statement is fundamental to unwinding your life into a different direction. The fact of the matter is that the bolded statement, above, is objectively false. There is no accepted definition of "good", or "the good," in a philosophical, moral, or ethical sense, which includes repeated breaking of promises to one's spouse; sexual and emotional infidelity to one's spouse; and moreover, using you (i.e. the AP) in such a manner. What you are doing is actually reverse-engineering the definition of "good" to include whatever it is that your MM embodies. It's a purely circular definition, and its sole purpose is to justify a continued and unfortunate stagnation in your personal growth. You must one day confront the objective reality that whatever other qualities your MM possesses, "goodness" is not one of them, at least not in the context of his relationships with women. Saying that a bad man is a good man, does not by the saying, make it so.
jennie-jennie Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Jennie, hate to say it but calling your lover a "good man" reeks of moral relativism. Would his wife say he's a good man if she knew? What he is doing is not OK and neither is what you are doing. I'm not judging you or "your" man, only your actions. He is choosing to lie to his wife day in and day out. This is a person that he promised to love and protect forever. Too bad it is not possible to promise love then. Moral relativism, I believe that is the opposite of moral absolutism? Yes, I believe in moral relativism. Different people hold different morals. What is right for one, is wrong for another. There is no black and white. Life is so much more complicated than that. What is important, is that you are true to your own morals. I would never do what my MM does. Yet I do not judge him, because I know his values differ from mine.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 He is a good man who wants everyone good, As long as the status quo is kept, then I can see in your eyes why you'd think this. But, when D-Day happens, watch out.. Or, if something happens to him, he ends up in the hospital - WHO is he going to have by his bedside, holding his hand? Making decisions that only a spouse can make? You or his wife? JJ, one day you are going to be so heartbroken. I dread that day for you because when it happens, you are going to be completely distraught.
onedayatatyme Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Too bad it is not possible to promise love then. It depends on your definition of love. If you mean it isn't possible to promise the chemical reaction in the brain that gets you all juicy for somebody, then you're right, it isn't possible to promise that. But if you define love as the day in and day out choice to serve somebody or something above your own self interests, to hold their needs or desires more precious than your own, of course you can promise that and deliver on it.
jennie-jennie Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 To be honest again, I dream of a woman to love me. She posesses so many different faces which still leave me empty in reality. I so want for my wife to be that woman but I fear it is too late because I know myself, I know how I feel inside. I have had opportunities with other women but I can't go this route. This is just not how I am. I am left lonely and frustrated. I could not do this to my wife. I think the right thing to do would be to leave before this happened. Jeff, I do agree with this. You are not happy where you are. Go out and find happiness. Kudos to you for rather getting a divorce than risking being unfaithful.
califnan Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 My thoughts on cheating: I think men and women get married for two different reasons - outside of love. A man may marry because he thinks it will mean than he will have uninterrupted love-making for the rest of his life. A woman man marry to be taken care of .. If a woman is in a marriage and without contributing to the support of the family and is not attracted to her husband, and does not wish to make love to him - I think this is as bad as having her outside affair. Maybe it is seen that a stay-at-home mother is contributing because she does all of the childcare and household jobs that may have a price on them .. But, aside from getting a paycheck - working outside the home is a sacrifice - and Not to be compared with a stay-at-home wife .. I have spent decades on both ends - as a woman who maintained a house, gardens, pool and a cook - who cared for her children.. and as a woman who worked outside the home.. There is no comparison. The woman who works outside the home is definitely the one with the biggest grueling sacrifice (and many times she still must attend to her household duties when she returns) .. What I am trying to get to, is that if a woman within the "marriage" does not wish to have sex with her husband, and additionally she doesn't contribute to the household finances - she should not be in the marriage..
In_Repair Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 (edited) I agree with you Jeff. I sleep with who I want now that I am separated, but I didn't cheat. She had an EA and we eventually split over it, then she went to the OM. At that point, the relationship was completely dead in my eyes. Even though we are technically still married, I don't see it as cheating. Revenge affairs won't help. At a time when you are already feeling your lowest, abandoning your own sense of right and wrong is not going to help the situation any. Just walk away... and then go bang everything that moves. If you really wanted revenge though, an affair would do it. You are right, they HATE to see their spouse with someone else, even when they leave for another person. It's just plain funny how my ex gets so damn jealous over every woman she hears about me even talking to. It's so bad that apparently her and her boyfriend fight over it a lot. He thinks I'm still screwing her and it drives his stupid ass crazy. Now that's ***king funny... Edited March 12, 2010 by In_Repair typos
Author Jeff1962 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 It's so bad that apparently her and her boyfriend fight over it a lot. He thinks I'm still screwing her and it drives his stupid ass crazy. Now that's ***king funny... Hahahahahaha. You should send her flowers to the house annonomusly just to screw with him. Sign it, it was so hot.
jennie-jennie Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 It depends on your definition of love. If you mean it isn't possible to promise the chemical reaction in the brain that gets you all juicy for somebody, then you're right, it isn't possible to promise that. But if you define love as the day in and day out choice to serve somebody or something above your own self interests, to hold their needs or desires more precious than your own, of course you can promise that and deliver on it. Which (unfortunately) is exactly what my MM is doing.
jennie-jennie Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 As long as the status quo is kept, then I can see in your eyes why you'd think this. But, when D-Day happens, watch out.. Or, if something happens to him, he ends up in the hospital - WHO is he going to have by his bedside, holding his hand? Making decisions that only a spouse can make? You or his wife? JJ, one day you are going to be so heartbroken. I dread that day for you because when it happens, you are going to be completely distraught. I'd rather have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
ADF Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I don't know if revenge sex would help a relationship already under strain from infidelity. I doubt it very much. However, you do make a keen observation. Many men--and is usually men who say this stuff--are quick to say they don't really believe in monogamy. They say it isn't "natural," that it is just a social construct, and boldly assert their right to be ployamorous. Fair enough. But let one of these wingnuts find out their female partner(s) has been fooling around with another guy, and 9 times out of 10, they go utterly ape about it. As an ex-GF of mine who had been in some "open" relationships told me, "an open relationship is one where he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." Amen. YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!! But I think she was right about how it USUALLY plays out.
xxoo Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Which (unfortunately) is exactly what my MM is doing. How do you figure?
xxoo Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 My thoughts on cheating: I think men and women get married for two different reasons - outside of love. A man may marry because he thinks it will mean than he will have uninterrupted love-making for the rest of his life. A woman man marry to be taken care of .. If a woman is in a marriage and without contributing to the support of the family and is not attracted to her husband, and does not wish to make love to him - I think this is as bad as having her outside affair. Maybe it is seen that a stay-at-home mother is contributing because she does all of the childcare and household jobs that may have a price on them .. But, aside from getting a paycheck - working outside the home is a sacrifice - and Not to be compared with a stay-at-home wife .. I have spent decades on both ends - as a woman who maintained a house, gardens, pool and a cook - who cared for her children.. and as a woman who worked outside the home.. There is no comparison. The woman who works outside the home is definitely the one with the biggest grueling sacrifice (and many times she still must attend to her household duties when she returns) .. What I am trying to get to, is that if a woman within the "marriage" does not wish to have sex with her husband, and additionally she doesn't contribute to the household finances - she should not be in the marriage.. I really cringe at these gender stereotypes. I'll agree that a person uninterested in their partner's needs should not be in the marriage. But I don't think that working inside or outside the home has much to do with that. Would it be better if the woman worked outside the home and did not wish to have sex with her husband? Or if the uninterested party were the husband?
Author Jeff1962 Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 I don't know if revenge sex would help a relationship already under strain from infidelity. I doubt it very much. However, you do make a keen observation. Many men--and is usually men who say this stuff--are quick to say they don't really believe in monogamy. They say it isn't "natural," that it is just a social construct, and boldly assert their right to be ployamorous. Fair enough. But let one of these wingnuts find out their female partner(s) has been fooling around with another guy, and 9 times out of 10, they go utterly ape about it. As an ex-GF of mine who had been in some "open" relationships told me, "an open relationship is one where he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." Amen. YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!! But I think she was right about how it USUALLY plays out. No, revenge sex would not help the situation. It would be what it was, to screw someone else and get even, nothing more. More men are faithful than what you may believe.
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