Liebeskrank Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 (edited) It's been five years now, we were young and we had our whole life ahead us. I might have been too young to tell, but I was certain I was going to marry her someday. Until one night we were coming back from a date and we got blindsided by a minivan that ran a red light. It was all a blur at the moment, but I was fortunate to have suffered only minor injuries. She was on the passenger side and wasn't so lucky. The doctors said she had fractured her ribcage and had her chances weren't good. I remember to this day the last time I talked to her. I said that everything would be OK, and I promised her I would be always by her side. I am sure she heard me, but she couldn't hold on... My whole collapsed; I gave up college, my job and I lost a lot of weight. Everywhere I went it reminded me of her, our friends reminded me of her. Seeing how destructive that all was, my parents decided to move out of the country. So now, 5 years later, I am in the US. I have tried dating again starting a couple of years ago, but I'd compare them with her and I just couldn't do it. I've always been very cautious and rational about relationships, but the unthinkable happened two months ago. I met a girl who I am now feeling madly in love with. The first thing that struck me was that she has the same name as my ex-girlfriend, but as I get to know her, she starts to look more and more like my ex. Especially her personality. I have a lot of questions, and I am wondering if I am just attracted to her because of my ex. And I feel guilty for breaking my promises, for being "in love" just like that. Also, I've never told this story to anyone in here (the US), not even my best friend. This is becoming too painful to not share with anyone... This girl knows I like her, but she's cautious because we don't really know each other very well. Should I tell her about my ex and how she reminds me of her? Edited March 12, 2010 by Liebeskrank I didn't know the best place to post this. It does say "Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss."
Andrew1984 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 no. dont tell her that, thats not fair. your ex wouldnt have wanted you to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life, so dont feel guilty. Im sorry to hear this story. good luck.
Ronni_W Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I'm sorry for your loss, Liebeskrank. I agree with Andrew to not tell any woman that she reminds you of a former love. Your instinct is correct that it is not wise to tell someone along the lines of, "I like you because you remind me of a dead person whom I used to love very much." (No matter the words you use, that would be the message. And, put that way, I hope you can see how damaging it might be.) I do understand your need to tell your story, though. You do deserve that: to have your story told, heard and acknowledged. Perhaps the time is coming when you will trust your best friend enough to be able to share your prior experience with him. In any case, I would strongly urge you to consider getting some grief counseling. It comes across that you are not fully recovered from your loss, and perhaps not the trauma of the accident itself. (Check with hospitals, funeral homes or faith-based communities as to what is available in your area.) Your parents had your best interests at heart but just moving to a new country is not enough; it does not change the basic facts and feelings. The new girl is obviously not your deceased girlfriend. I would encourage you to look for, and find, what makes this girl unique and special in her own way. Until you can do that it would be unfair of you, and unhealthy, to pursue a relationship with her. She has her own personality and you need to be able to recognize it as hers so that you can love and respect THIS girl for exactly who SHE is. The new girl deserves that from you. When you do fall in love, you will not be breaking any still-existing promises. As humans, our promises do not extend beyond death...even though we sometimes use words like "eternity" in the heat of great passion or trauma. It is not reasonable or realistic to enslave yourself so literally to words and sentiments that do not also honour the fact that you are human, and you are still living. You are also not falling in love "just like that" -- it has been five years already. That is a long mourning period by any standard. It is not all-of-a-sudden; not "just like that". I can only imagine how difficult it is for you, Liebeskrank. You do deserve to get proper help so that you can recover from the loss and trauma you suffered five years ago. Sending Comfort, Courage and Strength.
GrayClouds Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Very sorry about your loss and wish you well. It took courage to post, it is a good first step. One of the best ways to deal with any quilt is to be open and honest with the people around you and well as yourself. Finding love is not about replacing someone who once was there but being open and appreciate a persons unique traits. You may not be there in your grieving process to be able to do that. If your not it will make any new relationship very difficult to succeed, and that would not be kind to you or the other. You should find some a professional to work with to help you process what is going on with you. What you are feeling is completely understandable but complicated. Having someone to help you work through them who you can be open a honest with in a non-judgmental environment will help that process. Be it with this new girl or someone else taking the time and effort to process your grief that your still holding on to with help you greatly.
pgummins Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 This is might not help you much but I'll give you my opinion. I'm so damn sorry to read that, but as the people before me said, your ex would have wanted you to move on and be happy. The other thing, I would advise you to speak to a best freind if you have one, or anyone you trust. Its good to see you posting here, but when I opened up to someone I felt better straight away and helped me rationalize.
monkeymaid Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 i would say yes. tell her what happened. ...tell her that she reminds you of her. be honest, communicate, stay pen and flow with her. if she wants to stay thats up to her, but for you, i think you are going to have to share this with anyone you get with. my $.02
Ronni_W Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 i think you are going to have to share this with anyone you get with. I do agree to share the experience, yes. Definitely. But to tell a romantic interest that she or he reminds one of a former love (living or deceased)...I can't see that as being good for the relationship's long-term prospects. Who wants to live in the shadow of an old flame, wondering, "Are they with me for me...or just cos I remind them of some other person?"
spriggig Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 The fact that she reminds you of her is irrelevant to the new relationship you are contemplating. You like what you like, it's OK to "have a type". Maybe she seems right to you because she is--completely apart from what happened before.
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