wien7777 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 In advance, allow me to apologize vehemently for the length of this message. I hate talking about such personal things so when it all finally builds up within me, long monologues marked by an impressive degree of incoherence are bound to be unleashed. However, I will try to make this as concise as possible: I’ve been in a LDR with my boyfriend for almost three years. He’s my best friend and the only guy I’ve ever genuinely loved. When we first started dating, he won me over by doting on me and being very attentive with lots of calls, IMs, and e-mails, etc. I did the same for him, of course, and everything was - in a single, naive word- perfect. Every time we were both online, he would be sure to send me an IM (even if he couldn’t talk for longer) just to at least tell me he loved me. Now our relationship has stagnated. He still treats me well but his behaviour has changed. We don't talk in the same way; or so I feel. Recently, we’ve been fighting about Instant Messenger. He works at a desk much of the day and is thus very often signed on to his Instant Messenger. I guess I’m still stuck in our past and I always expect a sweet IM from him, but it never comes. I’ve talked to him about it and he always has an excuse. The thing is, I feel so strongly about this that we’ve fought about it the past several days. I’ll wait for him to send me a message and he never does, so I finally IM him, usually with a pouty-ish message. Then we have an argument where he makes excuses and I accuse him of not caring. I push the issue and push the issue and it drives him nuts and stresses him out. We’re both miserable right now. I know I’m pushing him away, but I’m not having my needs met. That sounds ridiculous, but I don't know how else to put it. Sometimes people need to hear more than just "I love you". I also keep demanding that he break up with me. Again, ridiculous and utterly self-destructive, but it's like I thrive off of that psychological sadism/masochism (not really, obviously- but why am I doing it?). I tell him I know I’m making him miserable and he should leave me. I don't really want him to leave, obviously- I sincerely don't. I just want him to chase me like he used to. Just once more. That's the thing- I would advise him to leave me, he would give me a response telling me wouldn't ("I can't; not with you..") and I just.. tell him again. I tell myself that if he just says he won't one more time, I'll start being normal and tell him how much I love him and say the whole little "I'm glad we worked it out/are staying together" speech I have in my head. But I just ask him to leave again. I just need to him to be less reserved with me, and that's what I think is the underlying issue here- he has said that he wants to spend his life with me and "grow old together" (and I know well that he's not the type to over-exaggerate in the heat of the moment) but I need ..I just want him to talk about that sometimes, like I do, so that I can see that having this feasible future is on his mind as well, as much as it is on mine. When we talked about this three days ago, he wrote: "I didn't take anything back. And I'm still here as you can see. I'm not going anywhere. I understand what you're saying and why you needed to hear it from me as well, I do, but just because I don't really talk about those things does not mean that I don't think of them. They're on my mind a lot of the time actually, if you really want to know. Being together, living in the same house... even just seemingly small things like walking around the city or drinking coffee on a terrace or something would hold meaning for me because it would be... well, because it would be 'us' doing that, if that makes any sense. I love you and I want you to be around as much as possible. Don't say that your feelings aren't mutual or that I'm not willing to change; you couldn't be more wrong. I'm worried about the future though. I don't know what kind of job opportunities there would be for me and I'm afraid that you'll get sick of me at some point. It's why I'm reserved about discussing that with you. I want the same things as you do; I just don't want to let you down in the long run by building up expectations that I may not be able to live up to. " Even after that, I pushed him away. What if I just explained to him that he doesn't have to be so reserved? That my only expectation is for us to be together for as long as we can, and that all else is secondary? Why couldn't have I said that? Because I didn't think it would change anything. I kept on pushing him away, telling him in every way to break up and move on and today, I guess he did. He said, "fine, this is obviously what you've wanted this whole time, so I hope you're happy about it. I don't understand why you did this and I don't think I ever will. Just leave me alone, then. Goodbye." This broke my heart. I had it coming. I brought it upon myself- I literally, quite literally drove him to those exact words. So I just.. let it end there? I just let him go? I know I've made a horrendous mistake, I just don't know how to put aside my ever-present pride and to make things right again. And well.. judging from what he wrote, I think it's too late anyway, isn't it? And despite all of it anyway, all of my .. obvious mind ****ery (I'll admit it, it wasn't fair).. he would have still stayed if he loved me, though, right? He would've tried to work it out, no? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have left. That's why.. even though I know it sounds so very wrong, I just don't know how to apologize. Please- however harsh or blunt a reply you can muster/see fit.. I think this needs to be fixed.
aerogurl87 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 You created a self fulfilling prophecy by telling him to leave you. Tell someone to leave you enough and they do it. What you should've said was "my needs aren't being met and I'd like you to do X to meet them". Then maybe he would've stayed around. By the way, you didn't mention this, but have you two ever met in real life and spent a significant amount of time together? Also did you two ever discuss ending the distance? I know a big move can be hard but sometimes it's what you have to do if you love someone. Although it's too late for that now because like you said, you drove him away with your nagging and "martyr" spirit.
Els Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I think you should tell him everything that you've told us here. Especially the fact that you realize you made a mistake. He may come back or he may not - but at least he won't leave thinking that it's what YOU wanted all this while. Which is really what you made it seem. When you keep suggesting to someone that they should break up with you, you make it seem like you don't care if they do, which definitely isn't good for a relationship. My bf did it twice so far in two years, and even that really shook up a lot of my trust. I can't imagine how it would've been like if he did that EVERY time we had a problem. And despite all of it anyway, all of my .. obvious mind ****ery (I'll admit it, it wasn't fair).. he would have still stayed if he loved me, though, right? He would've tried to work it out, no? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have left. That's why.. even though I know it sounds so very wrong, I just don't know how to apologize. No. There is no such thing as unconditional love - you cannot persistently treat a partner badly and expect them to not leave you.
Rollercoasterr Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I think you should send him the link to this thread. Let him read it just like it is. That doesn't mean he'll come back, but at least he'll know what you're feeling. Truly what you're feeling, and not something you've written a thousand times and then edited because you think it sounds too needy or will hurt his feelings. You made a mistake by constantly telling him to break up with you. He finally did it. He may actually be fed up with the whole thing, but there's still a chance that's he's only taking some time to cool off.
sweetjasmine Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Have you figured out why you did what you did? I can't tell you what you were thinking, but it looks like you were kind of trying to test him. If you kept pushing the "we should just break up" idea, maybe he would get scared and then tell you all about how much he loves you and would work really hard to prove it to you. Does that sound accurate or was it maybe something else?
Author wien7777 Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Yes, sadly I guess that was it. A disgusting combination of pride, stubbornness, stupidity and sadism on my part. Today, having not contacted him/'left him alone' since Tuesday, he sent: "This has all turned out perfectly for you, hasn't it? You were looking for a reason to get rid of me and you used this to make it look like I'm the one who left, when I was obviously just upset because I didn't feel wanted anymore and you did nothing to talk it out of my head. You let me go. Well I'm still here, whereas you decided to take me off your friend list immediately, like I'm some kind of nobody. But I got the message, don't worry; I'll stop contacting you from now on. You know, I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did and that those goddamn tears (yes, unfortunately for me at this point I'm not the 'robot' you took me for) will stop from flowing soon. I don't want to feel love, or anything at all even, for someone who cares that little about me. Thanks for everything." And when he asked me if he really 'made me that unhappy' and I of course replied no, but that I know I made him unhappy, he responded: "No, you didn't. Things just get tensed more quickly between us because of the distance. And people argue sometimes, no matter how much they love each other; it's impossible not to. I don't want to be without you and I'll keep repeating that until you come back to me. I know that this is your life as well and that you're free to make your own decisions, but I'm asking you to reconsider this one. You're my favourite person in this world and I love almost everything about you. You'll always be more than a friend to me, I don't know how to change that and well... I don't want to either. I'm not interested in anyone else because there's no one who can top you, at least that's how I see it. I'd always compare them to you and there's no way they can win that battle. I know how happy I was with you, what we were like. It's rare and I don't want to give up on it as long as I still think there's a chance that we can have that again. So I hope you're serious about remaining at least friends. Regardless of how we've been lately, the things we said... you really are the best. You've always been. I love you." I really am a terrible person; I still haven't apologized or said what I know I should/need to/want to. I just don't know what to do.
Rollercoasterr Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 You could start by apologizing if that's what you're really feeling like you WANT to do. Not that you feel you should do. Do you want this breakup? or do you want to get back together? And if you do get back together can you handle the distance? Before you do anything you need to ask yourself those questions and answer honestly. And if you do decide that you want him back you need to act like a true adult and stop playing games. You need to stop telling him to just break up with you and start talking out your issues and arguments. You're lucky that he's willing to give you another chance so if you screw this one up, it's all on you.
hoping2heal Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 And despite all of it anyway, all of my .. obvious mind ****ery (I'll admit it, it wasn't fair).. he would have still stayed if he loved me, though, right? He would've tried to work it out, no? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have left. That's why.. even though I know it sounds so very wrong, I just don't know how to apologize. Please- however harsh or blunt a reply you can muster/see fit.. I think this needs to be fixed. Here's the problem with your logic. I get the sense that you have difficulty trusting & you seem to test people to see if they break. It's not only wrong; it's downright unfair. "If he really loves me he will allow me to hurt him repeatedly? Right? If he really loved me he would stay and allow me to continue hurting him and causing him pain and stress..he just would right?" I love the man I'm with more than I've ever loved anyone. He's the first person I've learned how to be completely open with. That said, should he decide he wants to treat me like crap and put me through hell every day of the week I may still love him - but that doesn't mean I'm going to stay in it. You have some very, very unhealthy atitudes and ideas put into your head. Loving someone and having them love and accept you is not a liscence for you to make them your personal punching bag simply because you aren't 100 percent sorted about yourself. To that effect, a person who leaves because they are being treated that way ..it doesn't mean they don't love you; it just means they aren't looking to be in an unhealthy relationship and they have some self respect.
Author wien7777 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 Thank you for your words, all of you. Really. I made up with my boyfriend. He said that the way I was behaving (pushing him away, etc) and the thought of losing me was one of 'the worst things he's felt in all his years of life'. ...And then he cried. (Note: which was more than uncharacteristic of him. Since I've known him I've never seen him in such anguish or torment.) Anyway, that basically broke my heart. I love him a ridiculous amount, as I always have, and I'm going to be good to him from now on. Just as he is to me and just as he deserves. Done.
Shucky Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Sometimes my girlfriend gets really really frustrated with the LDR and she kind of explodes a little, but I just put it down to the incredibly volatile situation we are in and know its because she loves me that she sometimes reacts the way she does. She always comes out apologising though and feeling bad for it, its like she needs just a freeze out from the LDR, different time zones, talking on just a webcam / messenger etc. I used to really kick up a fuss but now I just let her fizzle, hehe, I know she doesn't really mean it so I just let it play its course I'm really glad you were about to work it out, its so hard sometimes to make that first move in communicating but its worth it to reconcile! x
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