KewlBum Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hey guys, so I had another thread describing the problem, it was a really long post. Anyways, I'll briefly summarize what happened: - She was VERY happy with me in the beginning - Later on, I would constantly start arguments and fights over the stupidest little things. Our relationship was rocky, and she was unhappy alot of the time. - She broke up with me a week ago. I tried to get her back, convincing her that I've definitely learned my lesson (I have indeed), and to take me back. She said no multiple times. - I call her last night one final time, and it turns out she does still love me. She said she would be willing to get back with me to try things out, but her mom didn't want her to (for various reasons that I do not blame her for). I asked if I could come over the next day to try and talk to her. She said ok. After our phone call, her mom found out we were talking and got very angry. She tells me that it's probably best not to try and convince her anytime soon and to wait until her mom is in a better mood (she's been depressed lately) which could be weeks, months, maybe never. - I just called her 10 minutes ago. I asked if she was being completely honest in still loving me and wanting to get back together. She says she does still love me. But she also said that she felt last night that she wanted to be back with me, but this morning after waking up she didn't want to anymore. She says it's because she's gotten more busy these days (school/work) and also because she wants to be alone for now. - I ask if we could still be friends. She said yes. I ask if we'd be able to see eachother (as friends), and she said to give her some time like a month. - At the end, I asked if whenever she felt like she wanted to be in a relationship again, if I'd be a possibility? She said yes, but it might not be for a long time as her career and such is finally taking off. I am so heartbroken right now. After last night, i really thought I'd wait a bit till her mom was good, then we'd be together again. I know this is stupid, but does anyone think there's a chance she'll change her mind about wanting a relationship? Maybe in a week, or a month, or a couple months? I'm not counting on it, but is there a chance? I think if by some miracle she changes her mind, then she would call me as she did say she loves me still and that she would think of me if she ever changed her mind. Also, because she said give her about a month before we can see eachother (as friends), does anyone think I shouldn't do it? I mean, even if I can't be with her romantically, I do still want to be her friend. I want to actually be with her romantically more then just as friends though obviously. Basically, I will move on in the sense that if I see a girl I like, then I will try and get her, and if I do and we start going out, then great and I probably won't think of trying to get back with my ex at all. But until i do get another girl, trying to get my ex will also be there, just as a little side thing that doesn't take up any of my time. I should rephrase that, it's not that I'll be trying to get her back per se, I won't exactly be doing anything. Just, what's the best way to get her to miss me enough that she might start wondering again, and start doubting her decision to not want a relationship: - don't have any contact with her whatsoever (ie texts/calls/msn) and don't meet up with her as friends when she's ready (ie in a month) - don't have any contact with her but do meet up with her as friends when she's ready (maybe seeing me again will spur something in her brain) - have the occasonal contact with her, and also meet with her as friends when she's ready - have the occasional contact with her but don't ever meet up as friends even when she's ready Like I said, I will be moving on. I will be trying to find another girl. If I do, then I doubt I'll still want my ex back. But until I find someone else, I'm just asking what's the best way to make it so that she'll miss me enough to want a relationship. PS. I know there's really no chance at all to be with her. Again, I won't be putting any energy into it other then what i'm typing right now really.
Ronni_W Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I'm just asking what's the best way to make it so that she'll miss me enough to want a relationship. Okay. With the understanding that you CANNOT "make it" so that somebody gets feelings for you against her own free will and desire: stop contacting her. Strict no contact. If she contacts you, just ignore it. If you get the urge to contact her, just ignore it and go do something else instead. If you want her to "miss" you, then first you have to be gone. Obviously. So, do that. Take yourself 100% out of her life.
rand0m Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Don't be "trying to look for another girl". It's not healthy and will not yield good results. The most successful relationships spawn from coincidence or randomness. People will search all their lives and find nothing.
LovelyDaze Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Don't be "trying to look for another girl". It's not healthy and will not yield good results. The most successful relationships spawn from coincidence or randomness. People will search all their lives and find nothing. randOm is 100% correct. DO NOT TRY to look for another girl right now. She will just be your rebound no matter how much you like her. Take time to get to know yourself and what you really want in a relationship. Definitely go NC with your ex and don't date for awhile until you come to a place of indifference about your ex. To paraphrase randOm's reply, the best relationships come from just living your own life to the fullest and NOT searching for the next love of your life. The right one will come on time and when you least suspect it.
Author KewlBum Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 I just meant that I will be open to other girls, like I'm not going to just stay at home all day hoping to get my ex back. I will be out there, I will hang with friends, and if I meet a girl I like and we hit it off, great. In the meantime, I'm not trying to "make" my ex like me, I was just asking which route one would take to make it so that she misses me the most. Is no contact at all really the best way? I mean, won't that just make it easier for her to forget about me?
Ronni_W Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Is no contact at all really the best way? I mean, won't that just make it easier for her to forget about me? Honestly, she's going to forget about you if and when she wants to...even if you're in her face 23 out of every 24 hours. But. By all means keep contacting her if that's what you want to do. Just don't be hurt, disappointed or surprised if (when?) she gets so fed-up with you that she just has to be nasty about it and tell you to eff-off permanently. That is, it sounds like she's still trying to be nice to you right now. When that changes, just remember to take 100% responsibility for it.
Author KewlBum Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 I figure we'll have the occasional contact (ie a few texts a week,nothing more then that). Then when we see eachother as friends (in a month or so), she might see me and get those feelings again. I know that's a long shot. But isn't that better then to not see or have contact with her at all?
LovelyDaze Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I figure we'll have the occasional contact (ie a few texts a week,nothing more then that). Then when we see eachother as friends (in a month or so), she might see me and get those feelings again. I know that's a long shot. But isn't that better then to not see or have contact with her at all? No, it is not better. I hope you believe you deserve better than to accept miserable crumbs from your ex. That is what she is giving you...crumbs. Day by day, you are living in the hope of your ex changing back to the girl you loved. That is not going to happen. People change and sometimes stray far away from the people they once were. Don't take it personally. People who have been married 10, 20 even 40 years will up and leave their spouse because they just don't love that person any longer. Nothing is forever. Oh, I take that back....YOU are forever. You must treat yourself like a king and not accept BS from someone who obviously wants to go another way in life.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 I just think that if we keep in contact as friends for the time being, she'll remember what kind of guy I was like in the beginning. And when we start hanging out as friends, she'll see me physically instead of just my voice/typed words which may further make her remember what it was like in the beginning and missing me in that way. As well, through time she may be more and more open to the idea of wanting a relationship again (not just with me, but in general). So with us hanging out and seeing/remembering what a fun guy i am and maybe some nostalgia from our past, she may want to try again with us.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 No, it is not better. I hope you believe you deserve better than to accept miserable crumbs from your ex. That is what she is giving you...crumbs. Day by day, you are living in the hope of your ex changing back to the girl you loved. That is not going to happen. People change and sometimes stray far away from the people they once were. Don't take it personally. People who have been married 10, 20 even 40 years will up and leave their spouse because they just don't love that person any longer. Nothing is forever. Oh, I take that back....YOU are forever. You must treat yourself like a king and not accept BS from someone who obviously wants to go another way in life. Like I said, I wouldn't be counting on getting her back. I know the chances are completely slim. I'll be going out, hanging out with friends, doing as much social stuff as I can, and if I wind up with a girl then great. But until that time when i happen to be with someone else, I might as well do my best to increase what little chance I have with my ex (it's not like it would take a lot of time and energy).
LovelyDaze Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I just think that if we keep in contact as friends for the time being, she'll remember what kind of guy I was like in the beginning. And when we start hanging out as friends, she'll see me physically instead of just my voice/typed words which may further make her remember what it was like in the beginning and missing me in that way. As well, through time she may be more and more open to the idea of wanting a relationship again (not just with me, but in general). So with us hanging out and seeing/remembering what a fun guy i am and maybe some nostalgia from our past, she may want to try again with us. Not if you are in her face. If you so much want a ghost of a chance that she might want you back...have her MISS you. You can't miss what is always there. To be rude: get lost. Allow her the time to feel if the missing link in her life is you. What you don't want her to do is to be sick of seeing your face.Bad news. Like I said, I wouldn't be counting on getting her back. I know the chances are completely slim. I'll be going out, hanging out with friends, doing as much social stuff as I can, and if I wind up with a girl then great. But until that time when i happen to be with someone else, I might as well do my best to increase what little chance I have with my ex (it's not like it would take a lot of time and energy). Don't waste ANY of your time and energy on the hope of getting her back. As I mentioned above, just go away from her so she can make that decision if she feels she has made a mistake and wants nothing more than to get back together with you. Be genuine to no one but yourself. Not her-yourself. Like I said earlier, you have YOU forever-guaranteed. Don't sell yourself short. I am sure you have a lot of love to give...give that to someone who sincerely deserves it ...and wants to give it back in return.
northstar1 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I just think that if we keep in contact as friends for the time being, she'll remember what kind of guy I was like in the beginning. And when we start hanging out as friends, she'll see me physically instead of just my voice/typed words which may further make her remember what it was like in the beginning and missing me in that way. As well, through time she may be more and more open to the idea of wanting a relationship again (not just with me, but in general). So with us hanging out and seeing/remembering what a fun guy i am and maybe some nostalgia from our past, she may want to try again with us. Sadly, it works completely the opposite. If you try and be her 'friend', you'll end up doing one of two things: 1)She will realize you are holding onto hope and will find your constant attention annoying and will pull away. Or worse, she will just completely drop you into the friend zone - which is unescapable once you are in it 2)You'll hang around, hanging out, and holding onto any hope or sign she throws your way. You might even think you are moving back to a spot where she wants to date you, and then the worst case scenerio is that she will meet someone new, and you'll hear about it and be crushed. She can't miss you if you are around, either physically or via texting/calls. The only thing you can do is leave her alone, do your own things, hang out with friends, keep busy. If she for some reason changes her mind, she will make it clear to you that she wants to try again. At that point, you can assess where you are at. People are telling you to back off because they've gone through it and know the pain that comes with feeding off the crumbs an ex will give you. Just leave it alone for now, no texting, calls, facebook etc. Disappear.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 What if a month from now she wants to hang out, but as friends?
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 You see, my logic is this: - If never see's or talks to me, then I'll never be on her mind or at least it'll be harder for me to be on her mind - If we do see and talk, then I"ll be on her mind. She'll remember what made her attracted to me in the first place.
northstar1 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 You see, my logic is this: - If never see's or talks to me, then I'll never be on her mind or at least it'll be harder for me to be on her mind - If we do see and talk, then I"ll be on her mind. She'll remember what made her attracted to me in the first place. It might be your logic, but isn't how it works. All you will do if you force the issue or hang around her will cause her to either be annoyed or push you into the phantom zone. Again, she can't miss you or think about what she is giving up if you are in her face.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 It might be your logic, but isn't how it works. All you will do if you force the issue or hang around her will cause her to either be annoyed or push you into the phantom zone. Again, she can't miss you or think about what she is giving up if you are in her face. Thats the thing I don't understand. If we do see eachother, then wouldn't that help enable her to realize what she gave up? And if we don't see eachother, then doesn't that prevent her from realizing what she gave up since i'm not there to remind her (i dont mean literally telling her)
LovelyDaze Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Thats the thing I don't understand. If we do see eachother, then wouldn't that help enable her to realize what she gave up? And if we don't see eachother, then doesn't that prevent her from realizing what she gave up since i'm not there to remind her (i dont mean literally telling her) You are right. You are not understanding what we are trying to tell you here. Trust us, here at LS, MOST of us have been at this "break-up rodeo" more than once. I have been a dumper but I have been a dumpee more times than you can count! As a dumper, I did have an ex who kept calling me at work & on my own phone to the point I had no respect for him. I felt he had no life of his own and that was so unattractive. He kept begging me to come back and I kept telling him no. I eventually had to change my number and tell my co-workers that I was busy and could not accept calls. My ex just looked pathetic to me. That helped when I became the dumpee. I did NOT want another human being to view me as a complete loser. Hanging on to her doesn't tell her that you love her, it will make her think you are the proverbial "psycho ex" you hear about. PLEASE. Leave her be. She WILL think of you regardless of if you are there in her face or not. But you want her to think of you in a positive way right? Well,you HAVE to stay clear away. She will start to think you have confidence, strength and above all, big b****! She will probably start wondering of YOU are dating someone else and go to investigating it by contacting you.
Ronni_W Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 If we do see each other, then wouldn't that help enable her to realize what she gave up? YES! But. Given how you're coming across in your posts: She is going to realize that she "gave up" a really needy, out-of-control boy who can't take 'no' for an answer. She is going to realize that she "gave up" a boy who can turn into the proverbial psycho ex! And when she realizes what she "gave up", she is going to be so thrilled and proud of herself...and it will be highly unlikely that she is going to want back what she "gave up". (Who would want that back?) And if we don't see each other, then doesn't that prevent her from realizing what she gave up since i'm not there to remind herYES! But. That is what you need to be hoping for right now (given how you're coming across in your posts.) The more she gets to know you in your current state, the less attractive you are going to appear to her. You're showing her a new, unattractive side of you...there's no chance that she's going to remember the old (also because you're not giving her any space and TIME to remember the old.) Or maybe you're not seeing the full picture of how unattractive such behaviour as you're displaying (through your posts) really is? Believe me, there is NOTHING coming across with which any self-respecting person will want to be attached. You are NOT doing yourself any favours by just staying in her face in your current state.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 You are right. You are not understanding what we are trying to tell you here. Trust us, here at LS, MOST of us have been at this "break-up rodeo" more than once. I have been a dumper but I have been a dumpee more times than you can count! As a dumper, I did have an ex who kept calling me at work & on my own phone to the point I had no respect for him. I felt he had no life of his own and that was so unattractive. He kept begging me to come back and I kept telling him no. I eventually had to change my number and tell my co-workers that I was busy and could not accept calls. My ex just looked pathetic to me. That helped when I became the dumpee. I did NOT want another human being to view me as a complete loser. Hanging on to her doesn't tell her that you love her, it will make her think you are the proverbial "psycho ex" you hear about. PLEASE. Leave her be. She WILL think of you regardless of if you are there in her face or not. But you want her to think of you in a positive way right? Well,you HAVE to stay clear away. She will start to think you have confidence, strength and above all, big b****! She will probably start wondering of YOU are dating someone else and go to investigating it by contacting you. But I wouldn't appear needy. Like, I'm not going to ask to get back with her. I'd just act like we're friends and give no indication that i'm interested in her. Like I said, I DO want her back, but I'd at least want to be her friend if that doesn't happen. So when I'm with her, I'd do just that, be a friend. I won't appear needy at all, I'd act as if us not being together is not a big deal (it won't be by the time we're able to meet face to face), she'll see how I have a life of my own, she'll see my humour again, etc.
northstar1 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 But I wouldn't appear needy. Like, I'm not going to ask to get back with her. I'd just act like we're friends and give no indication that i'm interested in her. Like I said, I DO want her back, but I'd at least want to be her friend if that doesn't happen. So when I'm with her, I'd do just that, be a friend. I won't appear needy at all, I'd act as if us not being together is not a big deal (it won't be by the time we're able to meet face to face), she'll see how I have a life of my own, she'll see my humour again, etc. You really aren't listening. So, maybe you need to go this route and learn for yourself. I can almost guarantee it will end up in pain, but its your path to walk. But why would you want to be her friend? So you can learn about the new guy she may end up dating? Would that be fun? Because that's what friends do, they get to hear about the new person they are dating/screwing etc. That's not what you want, that I can tell. To see her, but not be able to act on your romantic impulses? Spend some time on these boards, read the posts of the people who've tried the 'friend' route after a breakup and see the pain they go through.
Author KewlBum Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 You really aren't listening. So, maybe you need to go this route and learn for yourself. I can almost guarantee it will end up in pain, but its your path to walk. But why would you want to be her friend? So you can learn about the new guy she may end up dating? Would that be fun? Because that's what friends do, they get to hear about the new person they are dating/screwing etc. That's not what you want, that I can tell. To see her, but not be able to act on your romantic impulses? Spend some time on these boards, read the posts of the people who've tried the 'friend' route after a breakup and see the pain they go through. I want to be her friend because she's a good person and is very important in my life. Even if it's not in a romantic way, I'd still like to spend time with her. I'm sorry if I'm acting irrational right now, it's just...I am feeling so messed up right now. So you are saying she will miss me more if we have no contact whatsoever vs if we keep in contact via occasional text/msn/call and hanging out as friends? Ok, I will try to go with that. I can do the no texting/msning/calling thing. But what if in a month she asks to meet up and hang as friends? Do I say no? Wouldn't that put her off, think that I don't want her anymore and so even if she does want me back she'll think "well, he doesnt like me so I'm not even going to try".
mellowyellow186 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 i was once in this situation.. he broke up with me because we argued about silly things... after a month of breaking up we got back together, and it was great we worked our problems out, but of course no one can change everything and he did the same thing again. my advice is that if she really loves you she will come back, but is it worth it? what if she does it again as my bf did to me? it may hurt now, but if it happens again it will hurt more. i know how you feel tho, so if you need to talk to her dont hesitate, but dont show her your pain, be friendly, and happy, make her remember what she would be missing, the good times, not the bad. i hope that helps. goodluck
D-Lish Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 You see, my logic is this: - If never see's or talks to me, then I'll never be on her mind or at least it'll be harder for me to be on her mind - If we do see and talk, then I"ll be on her mind. She'll remember what made her attracted to me in the first place. If you knew anything about human nature- you'd know your logic is flawed (really flawed). She can't miss you if you're in her face. She can't learn to miss you if you're available to her. Do the opposite of what you're doing now- because what you're doing now isn't working.
LovelyDaze Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 You really aren't listening. So, maybe you need to go this route and learn for yourself. I can almost guarantee it will end up in pain, but its your path to walk. But why would you want to be her friend? So you can learn about the new guy she may end up dating? Would that be fun? Because that's what friends do, they get to hear about the new person they are dating/screwing etc. That's not what you want, that I can tell. To see her, but not be able to act on your romantic impulses? Spend some time on these boards, read the posts of the people who've tried the 'friend' route after a breakup and see the pain they go through. I hope you heeded to this. YOU ARE NOT READY...to be just friends. Sit quietly in your room in the dark with no music, sounds, etc. Imagine vividly that you two are being good buddies and having lunch just laughing, telling cool work stories and the like. THEN, after you tell a funny joke that makes her laugh out loud she tells you, "Oh, guess what?? I met this wonderful guy last week and I've got a date tomorrow night! I think he is a dream come true! I'll tell you all about it later!".................................................... Now, don't lie...that would hurt like a cagefight kick to the stomach. You have to let go and heal. If you knew anything about human nature- you'd know your logic is flawed (really flawed). She can't miss you if you're in her face. She can't learn to miss you if you're available to her. Do the opposite of what you're doing now- because what you're doing now isn't working. D-Lish is right. If you keep slapping on tape of something that's broken...you need to try glue. Obviously your way isn't getting you anywhere with her so try something new...like letting her go! You don't want to annoy her. Because if you do, she will surely want to stay away from you for good. Your intentions aren't even honest. Your heart and soul doesn't want her as a friend...you want her back. Quit hurting yourself. You deserve better.
Author KewlBum Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 Ok, so I won't initiate any contact with her. But what if she texts me? What if she calls me? Do I ignore those? Do I send short replies that gives no indication that I want her back? What if she wants to meet up (just as friends)? Do I say no? Do I ignore her? Do I agree and we meet up, and again, I make no indication that I want her back and instead just be the funny and charming guy that made her attracted to me?
Recommended Posts