Why so hard to let go...Completely

[ladydesigner]

I'm just trying to figure this out and not sure if anyone else is in this position or could offer help in letting go.

 

For the most part I am over XOM and the A. I know that I would never go back to the A and I know I would never have another A, I would divorce first. What I keep struggling with is how cold he was upon ending, how emotions could just be shut off like a water faucet. Another thing I struggle with is why I keep thinking about this or him or anything regarding the A. I do not miss him, I do not want to talk or see him, but thoughts of him and his girlfriend plague me like ghosts.

 

The A ending was a good thing. I would not have wanted to have a sole relationship with him. So why do thoughts of him still come to mind 1.5 years later? Is this normal? Is it obsessing? I am starting to worry about why I can not just wake up and not think of him at all. That is what I really want, I do not want to think of him, there is no reason to.

 

Why? Does anyone else do this?

 

I am not in counseling and maybe that is what I need. My M is recovering and I am having normal sexual relations with my H, I am not insanely attracted to him, but things are back to normal for the most part.

 

Are there any others out there like me that just want to wake up one day and not have one thought cross my mind about my XAP?

[bittersweet memories]

I'm just trying to figure this out and not sure if anyone else is in this position or could offer help in letting go.

 

For the most part I am over XOM and the A. I know that I would never go back to the A and I know I would never have another A, I would divorce first. What I keep struggling with is how cold he was upon ending, how emotions could just be shut off like a water faucet. Another thing I struggle with is why I keep thinking about this or him or anything regarding the A. I do not miss him, I do not want to talk or see him, but thoughts of him and his girlfriend plague me like ghosts.

 

The A ending was a good thing. I would not have wanted to have a sole relationship with him. So why do thoughts of him still come to mind 1.5 years later? Is this normal? Is it obsessing? I am starting to worry about why I can not just wake up and not think of him at all. That is what I really want, I do not want to think of him, there is no reason to.

 

Why? Does anyone else do this?

 

I am not in counseling and maybe that is what I need. My M is recovering and I am having normal sexual relations with my H, I am not insanely attracted to him, but things are back to normal for the most part.

 

Are there any others out there like me that just want to wake up one day and not have one thought cross my mind about my XAP?

 

Well it's easy for him to move on because he now has a girlfriend to focus on and distract him.

[ladydesigner]

Well it's easy for him to move on because he now has a girlfriend to focus on and distract him.

 

Well yes this is true but it is the same girlfriend he cheated on with me. My H should be a distraction to me as well...Uggghhhh I hate this I just don't want to think of him, it isn't fond thinking that's for sure. I have heard some say that whenever the thought comes to mind to just think of something else to distract so to speak. I don't think of any of my exes anymore I want the same to be true of my XAP it sucks.

[ladydesigner]

And maybe because you have unanswered questions, you still think of him.

 

See this is the thing I feel like I don't have any more questions, but I still think about him. I just don't get it. It's like my mind won't let it go. I have never had this problem before. I need a little "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Treatment" LOL

[Samantha0905]

Well yes this is true but it is the same girlfriend he cheated on with me. My H should be a distraction to me as well...Uggghhhh I hate this I just don't want to think of him, it isn't fond thinking that's for sure. I have heard some say that whenever the thought comes to mind to just think of something else to distract so to speak. I don't think of any of my exes anymore I want the same to be true of my XAP it sucks.

 

*hug* It could be that you really loved him deeply. It could be, in part, because he ended it and did so in a very unkind manner. It could be something going on inside of you also and the fact you still aren't happy at home. Perhaps that unhappiness is making you idealize the affair relationship in some way -- even if you say you wouldn't go back to it.

 

You should get counseling. It will help you understand why you tick the way you do and perhaps things you can do to improve in some areas.

[ladydesigner]

*hug* It could be that you really loved him deeply. It could be, in part, because he ended it and did so in a very unkind manner. It could be something going on inside of you also and the fact you still aren't happy at home. Perhaps that unhappiness is making you idealize the affair relationship in some way -- even if you say you wouldn't go back to it.

 

You should get counseling. It will help you understand why you tick the way you do and perhaps things you can do to improve in some areas.

 

Thank You. Yes I do feel I loved him deeply. It's hard to imagine that I could feel that way for someone else, but I did. It was very very unexpected as I started the A to get even with my H. So so stupid of me. Look at where I'm at now. Yes I do believe what you bolded. I try to unidealize the A. I did not have great sex with my XAP like so many do. I had a great friendship with him that turned deeply emotional. I do not have that deep emotional connection with my H anymore I believe due to my trust and respect issues with him.

 

Counseling. Yes that is in order for me, I need it.

[blinded]

LD- Nearly four months NC and I feel the same way.

 

I've been in counseling since the end of my A. I know why it's hard for me to let go. Major events in my past contribute to my inability to let go completely. We had planned to end the A, but what's difficult for me to accept is the how he acted on our last day together. I am too hurt to recall what happened, but I know instead of remembering the good times I think of that one night. His actions just intensified my fear of abandonment and made it more difficult for me to trust people.

 

From counseling, I know not to focus on such negativity. My negative thinking was just making me feel worse about myself. I've realized that I won't ever understand his actions but I'll be a horses arse if I allow it to consume me.

 

It's a day by day thing for me to let go of the anger. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I am forever changed. Lately I have more ups than downs. One song that helps me is by Colbie Caillat: Fearless

 

Good luck LD

[ladydesigner]

LD- Nearly four months NC and I feel the same way.

 

I've been in counseling since the end of my A. I know why it's hard for me to let go. Major events in my past contribute to my inability to let go completely. We had planned to end the A, but what's difficult for me to accept is the how he acted on our last day together. I am too hurt to recall what happened, but I know instead of remembering the good times I think of that one night. His actions just intensified my fear of abandonment and made it more difficult for me to trust people.

 

From counseling, I know not to focus on such negativity. My negative thinking was just making me feel worse about myself. I've realized that I won't ever understand his actions but I'll be a horses arse if I allow it to consume me.

 

It's a day by day thing for me to let go of the anger. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I am forever changed. Lately I have more ups than downs. One song that helps me is by Colbie Caillat: Fearless

 

Good luck LD

Thanks Blinded for your kind words. I also have had negative thoughts about myself since the end of the A. I was always really secure with myself now I feel insecure, it's crazy. I shouldn't let the fact that I was "dumped" get to me, but it does. I drive myself batty. On one hand I am relieved he ended it knowing that there could never be a future for us, the next minute I am wondering what is wrong with me because he chose his GF over me. It's all so mindless.

 

Best of luck to you on your healing as well!

[hopeless4u]

I'm just trying to figure this out and not sure if anyone else is in this position or could offer help in letting go.

 

For the most part I am over XOM and the A. I know that I would never go back to the A and I know I would never have another A, I would divorce first. What I keep struggling with is how cold he was upon ending, how emotions could just be shut off like a water faucet. Another thing I struggle with is why I keep thinking about this or him or anything regarding the A. I do not miss him, I do not want to talk or see him, but thoughts of him and his girlfriend plague me like ghosts.

 

The A ending was a good thing. I would not have wanted to have a sole relationship with him. So why do thoughts of him still come to mind 1.5 years later? Is this normal? Is it obsessing? I am starting to worry about why I can not just wake up and not think of him at all. That is what I really want, I do not want to think of him, there is no reason to.

 

Why? Does anyone else do this?

 

I am not in counseling and maybe that is what I need. My M is recovering and I am having normal sexual relations with my H, I am not insanely attracted to him, but things are back to normal for the most part.

 

Are there any others out there like me that just want to wake up one day and not have one thought cross my mind about my XAP?

 

I am a single xOW and I know my xMM would of kept our friendship going because he couldnt stand hurting me (even though he has).

It was me who had to be firm with him and end things, he has no idea how much I'm hurting, I don't show him my pain because I know he'll just fall back into that 'confusion' he's always said he's in.

It may be that your AP is hurting like hell but they know its better to just walk away.

 

I really wish I could wake up one day and its all gone away.....

[ladydesigner]

I am a single xOW and I know my xMM would of kept our friendship going because he couldnt stand hurting me (even though he has).

It was me who had to be firm with him and end things, he has no idea how much I'm hurting, I don't show him my pain because I know he'll just fall back into that 'confusion' he's always said he's in.

It may be that your AP is hurting like hell but they know its better to just walk away.

 

I really wish I could wake up one day and its all gone away.....

 

Yes my XOM wanted to keep the friendship going and seemed to have no problem with it. I on the other hand felt like I was still pinning for him even though I hid it during our LC. I finally went NC 7 months ago so I could start healing and begin to forget about him and our A. He said he was very sad I couldn't be his friend anymore and that he was sorry for everything. I am still struggling to get thoughts of him out of my head. I keep thinking I should be more healed than this. Some days are better than others too.

 

(((hopeless4u))) I wish I could wake up clean and free as well. Forward and upward from here.

[wheelwright]

I'm just trying to figure this out and not sure if anyone else is in this position or could offer help in letting go.

 

Are there any others out there like me that just want to wake up one day and not have one thought cross my mind about my XAP?

 

I am going back to what another poster said (FO I think): you have to really want it.

 

There must be a part of you that doesn't want to let go.

 

You have to work out if this part of you is messed up and needs bashing to submission, or if it is a part of you that will forever need to be heard.

 

So the question you need to ask isn't 'why can't I let go?' but 'why don't I want to let go?'

 

I am in a similar situation, and I don't find it easy to answer this question myself. Because I no longer trust myself.

 

And if you loved your xAP, well walking away means leaving something behind that was incredibly valuable to you. I feel I lost something so valuable.

 

And you can say to yourself over and over how dumb it is to find this thing valuable, that turned out to actually bring you a world of pain, but the pain doesn't decrease any love you felt.

 

At the moment, I am erring on the side of 'love sure doesn't die easily'. Other times I think I am a messed up self-sabotaging idiot. It's easier to live with the former. Don't know which is correct.

[Fallen Angel]

I am going back to what another poster said (FO I think): you have to really want it.

 

There must be a part of you that doesn't want to let go.

 

You have to work out if this part of you is messed up and needs bashing to submission, or if it is a part of you that will forever need to be heard.

 

So the question you need to ask isn't 'why can't I let go?' but 'why don't I want to let go?'

 

I am in a similar situation, and I don't find it easy to answer this question myself. Because I no longer trust myself.

 

And if you loved your xAP, well walking away means leaving something behind that was incredibly valuable to you. I feel I lost something so valuable.

 

And you can say to yourself over and over how dumb it is to find this thing valuable, that turned out to actually bring you a world of pain, but the pain doesn't decrease any love you felt.

 

At the moment, I am erring on the side of 'love sure doesn't die easily'. Other times I think I am a messed up self-sabotaging idiot. It's easier to live with the former. Don't know which is correct.

 

I think often it is because we had some deep need being met, that once the relationship is ended, is no longer being met by anyone.

 

What I mean is, if your need is to feel appreciated and your lover made you feel that you were appreciated, then when the relationship ends, and no one else makes you feel appreciated, you are no longer having a basic need of yours met. Because of that need not being met by anyone, you feel the void, that the termination of the relationship left, even more deeply. Not only did you lose other things you got from that person (ie, love, respect, companionship etc) that you were getting from other people as well, but they were the ONLY person meeting that one particular need therefore you feel thier loss more deeply than that of someone who fulfilled only needs that you also have being filled elsewhere.

 

Wow, that is some convoluted crap.. it makes perfect sense to me when I am thinking it, but I am not sure it is coming across well in the translation. *sigh*

 

Does that make sense to anyone but me?

 

Anyway, if you understand what I am trying to say then I will finish this way.. the reason we do not want to let go, is because only that one person gave us what we needed, and now we have lost that.

 

But, knowing that can be a first step, because once we figure out what it was that they fulfilled for us, we can seek it in others which will eventually allow that empty place to fill again, and make letting go easier.

 

(I need coffee... I think I may have to come back and try this explaination again after a cup or two....)

[pureinheart]

Hey LD....I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this...no your not obsessing. What you felt was real, not fake so it just doesn't go away overnight, in a week, month and so on.

 

After I went NC with exDM I missed him all the time...even though I didn't want to see him the way things were, and felt so hurt and used, I still thought about him every second of every day, it was frustrating. Then things began to change and I didn't think about him so much.

 

Quite frankly LD, sometimes we romanticize the OP's situation...like it is sooo wonderful, they are laughing having fun with their SO...most of the time that is not the case...not with most anyway.

 

I found out with exDM his M and family life was a battle ground, it was nothing like I imagined in my mind.

 

What you might be going through is a bit of torment, feeling thrown under the bus in a sense and he's now got this perfect life and you are simply existing...you are mostlikely doing better than he is, no matter what the rumor is or what an inside source has said.

 

Hey, my thoughts and prayers are with you.....

[pureinheart]

I think often it is because we had some deep need being met, that once the relationship is ended, is no longer being met by anyone.

 

What I mean is, if your need is to feel appreciated and your lover made you feel that you were appreciated, then when the relationship ends, and no one else makes you feel appreciated, you are no longer having a basic need of yours met. Because of that need not being met by anyone, you feel the void, that the termination of the relationship left, even more deeply. Not only did you lose other things you got from that person (ie, love, respect, companionship etc) that you were getting from other people as well, but they were the ONLY person meeting that one particular need therefore you feel thier loss more deeply than that of someone who fulfilled only needs that you also have being filled elsewhere.

 

(I need coffee... I think I may have to come back and try this explaination again after a cup or two....)

 

It makes perfect sense to me...and want to throw in there that there are certain things/thing that only HE could do/make you feel...like FA used "appreciated"....possibly there was a particular "way" he made you feel this way...there may be others in your life that "appreciate" you, make you feel as such....but it was the special way he did it...and this being a basic need..well...

[pureinheart]

And you can say to yourself over and over how dumb it is to find this thing valuable, that turned out to actually bring you a world of pain, but the pain doesn't decrease any love you felt.

 

At the moment, I am erring on the side of 'love sure doesn't die easily'. Other times I think I am a messed up self-sabotaging idiot. It's easier to live with the former. Don't know which is correct.

 

I think we try to discount our true feelings doing exactly what WW describes in the bold paragragh...until we own how we really felt...then and only then can we heal...it's about getting real with ourselves, and that is scary because we fear we will loose control call up XOM and get things going again.

 

Change is a scary uneasy place to be in...

 

I went back and forth with the thoughts WW had/has in the second paragragh...it was torment, the most unbalanced feeling I'd ever had...I just wanted it to be over and done with...

 

This thought just came to mind, maybe you feel...both of you, WW and LD, that here is unfinished business? If so, what could give complete closure?

[blinded]

I think we try to discount our true feelings doing exactly what WW describes in the bold paragragh...until we own how we really felt...then and only then can we heal...it's about getting real with ourselves, and that is scary because we fear we will loose control call up XOM and get things going again.

 

Change is a scary uneasy place to be in...

 

This thought just came to mind, maybe you feel...both of you, WW and LD, that here is unfinished business? If so, what could give complete closure?

 

I know I was (still am) hurt and angry for his actions. I truly cared for him and thought he cared enough about me and my feelings that I never imagined him to be so 'cold' in the end (similar to LD's xMM). Luckily time has somewhat healed me to a point where I don't break down in tears suddenly. They say that if you want closure, you can only give it to yourself.

 

BUT I can't help but have thoughts that breaking NC would help me. Would breaking NC assist some of us in getting closure we're looking for? Or would it just bring us back to square 1 in the healing process?

[SouthernLady]

I am not so sure, but I am excited I have had 100% NC for 31 days now...whew...some days are harder than others for sure. I find myself feeling the hardest part of letting go for me is the simple need for validation. Because I think of the MM so much, I just want to know that he thinks/feels the same that I do, so secretly part of me hopes to get a text/call/e-mail or anything to give me validation (he did send a text two weeks ago that read "just 2 say hi" and I didn't respond). I don't want to respond, but I just want to know I am not forgotten completely or remembered in a negative manner.

 

I just pray, pray, and pray to find strength to keep NC for all of the right reasons!

 

I have determined partial reasons I have such a hard time letting go personally is also due to the great loss of the closest people to me in my almost 30 years here on earth. My dad died when I was 7 (he had custody of me since I was 1 year old), my grandmother died on my 22nd birthday (my dad and I lived with her for about 4 years and she took the place of my mother...and this was the year I met MM), and even though I moved in with my mother at the age of 7 she has never provided the emotional or affection that I feel I need so much. I just don't want to let go of MM because I love him more than I have ever loved any other man and I just don't want to lose him!

Edited March 14, 2010 by SouthernLady