xenos911 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hello I don't usually post on forums about stuff like this... I don't know if anybody is going to read this but I would like some advice. This is my story: About 5 years ago while doing my undergraduate work I worked up enough courage to ask this pretty spanish girl out in my class, about 20 seconds before the final exam, in front of about 20 people, and she said yes, fortuantely. So we started dating and I fell in love with her. We dated for about 2 years and I was thinking about asking her to marry me. Now, my parents divorced when I was 6 and I was always skeptical about marriage. I never wanted to put anybody else or children through that either emotionally or financially. Before this girl I only had 1 real girlfriend so I felt like maybe I needed more information to base a life-long decision on. I broke up with the girl that I loved and dated close to fifty girls in the next ~8 months. During this time I remained close friends with my ex. Then the day came when she told me that she had a boyfriend. At this time I wanted to make her my girlfriend again, but figured that the chances of her relationship lasting long was not too high, since she just met the guy a month earlier. So, then I graduated and went traveling to Australia and thought about her pretty much every day and messaged her whenever I could. I got back from traveling about a year ago and found a job in my field ( it is tough to find jobs in chemistry right now ) and I took it, knowing that my ex girlfriend works at the same company. For the first few months I found it very difficult to see her everyday, I would hope and pray that they would seperate and I could get her back. Then I met my current girlfriend (who I have been dating for about 10 months) and she is a great girl, everything I am looking for.. smart, cute, etc. and I was happy for the next couple months. Now, I am realizing that there just was not the same spark as I used to have with my ex and I can't stop thinking about her again. Seeing her everyday is a constant reminder of how I made the biggest mistake of my life. A couple months ago her boyfriend asked her to marry him. I still cannot come to terms with this. I hate seeing her, I hate talking and joking with her at work, I cannot find another job in my field (I have looked) and I am feeling like I am backed into a corner. I work at a small company so I have to see her everyday. I do not know how to cope with this decision I made when I was young and stupid. That could have been me marrying this girl. I have so many thoughts go through my head when I think about this like:"maybe she is better off without me" "I really hurt her" "I would do anything for her" "I still have a great girl in my life, but that spark isn't there" etc etc I do not know how to rationalize my feelings and that makes me feel helpless.
Ronni_W Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hugs, xenos. How to cope with decisions we made in our youth is exactly to remind ourselves that we were young and unwise. It is also that you actually made the BEST decision that you could, given your beliefs and feelings at that time. At the time, it was a well-thought out decision. That has to be enough for you; you simply have to find a way to make it enough...because it is all that you have and ever will have, about it. You forgive yourself BECAUSE you were young and unwise, and you take pride for having been younger but also capable of making a well-thought out decision that was based on the information you had at that time. If you're not feeling the 'spark' with your current girlfriend that you want to feel, then maybe you need to consider that she is not the very best girl for you? At the same time, realize that how you felt with your ex is not representative of how you "should" feel in a romantic relationship. Each one is unique and has it's own 'texture and flavour', so to speak. Emotions are actually meant to be felt/listened to, not "rationalized" away. Our intellect can tell us one thing while our feelings can be messaging an entirely different thing. As a guess, your feelings might be messaging that it's time to start working towards self-forgiveness, learning how to manage life's disappointments, exploring if there are any 'left-overs' from your childhood experience of your parents' divorce. In general, those are the types of things to take away from our feelings. And, until we heed their deeper messages, they will persist or keep reoccurring. In my experience. Since you are also feeling helpless, it may be an excellent time to consider getting some professional help to sort it all out. Best wishes.
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