My update

[Just a stone's throw]

Thank you Stones. Maybe we can talk sometime, I'd like that.

FWIW (for what it's worth) you're welcome.

[Heather1]

The right thing sure isn't the easiest thing!!

 

ST- we did the friend thing, it just lead to better sex. Less frequent, totally intense, way more confusing!! OM has always wanted to be "friends." I bought into it several times because I liked having him in my life & we were friends for over a year before. We stayed physically away from each other but we're so attracted to each other when we saw each other we were like magnets. It sounds like you're at where I was awhile ago during one of our NC. Same things said, etc.. I hope you're able to end things here, as hard as it is. The reason I say that is if you follow my path, things got worse (except the sex?). Now I just think he hates me & regrets everything....even though I really tried to be respectful of his feelings. I also feel like his friendship line is more one of damage control. Like he wants to say we'll be friends so he can tip toe out without breaking up & dealing with that drama. You're still at a point where at least you know he has no regrets.

 

JJ, pm me when you get there. Have no clue how many posts that takes but it's nice to have OM's POV.

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather, thanks for that POV. Definitely similarities. But our physical relationship is done (:mad:) though its for the best. We both recognize that our physical attraction is way too strong to be in each other's space at all. Just to be able to drop an email note to one another every once in awhile would be (I think) okay with both of us, maybe someday but I think we'd have to draw the line there, we both know it.

 

I doubt strongly that your exMM holds ill feelings toward you. If he does, I would venture to guess they are only on the surface so that he can put his life back in order and deal with his guilt once and for all. If he were to be honest with himself and you, you would likely hear that he does care for you. Strange way of showing it but the alternative is that you both end up right back where you were.

 

So as one other poster on another thread explained to me, be glad that he's making it easier on you and all the burden of ending it is not on you.

[Getting_stronger]

I hear you both- Heather and Stones throw- I am trying to move on from an A but its so hard. He ended it/Ive suggested a break/he ended it again. Still going (sort of). We are both married, good friendship, love maybe, but totally toxic for my mental health. I need to end it but cant seem tio let him go totally.

[Just a stone's throw]

I hear you both- Heather and Stones throw- I am trying to move on from an A but its so hard. He ended it/Ive suggested a break/he ended it again. Still going (sort of). We are both married, good friendship, love maybe, but totally toxic for my mental health. I need to end it but cant seem tio let him go totally.

 

GS, it would be nice if there was a magic pill you could take to just erase in your memory that which makes you think you can't live without this A. Wow, wouldn't it make this all so much easier. Unfortunately, it's just not that easy and every day, once you've made or been forced to make/accept that decision that it's over, you need to revisit the why's and the what was I/he thinking that got us to this point. Also, the when does it get easier's??

 

Well, as you can read from Heather, and as I'm also starting to realize, time does help to heal some of the pain and loss that you feel. Still not easy. If there was that magic pill I'm afraid that I (as I can only speak for myself) might find it too easy to do this all again with another and that just can't happen. I won't let it. Good luck to you. I hope you can find the strength to make the break. Keep us posted on your progress. We'll do the same.

[Fallen Angel]

GS, it would be nice if there was a magic pill you could take to just erase in your memory that which makes you think you can't live without this A. Wow, wouldn't it make this all so much easier. Unfortunately, it's just not that easy and every day, once you've made or been forced to make/accept that decision that it's over, you need to revisit the why's and the what was I/he thinking that got us to this point. Also, the when does it get easier's??

 

Well, as you can read from Heather, and as I'm also starting to realize, time does help to heal some of the pain and loss that you feel. Still not easy. If there was that magic pill I'm afraid that I (as I can only speak for myself) might find it too easy to do this all again with another and that just can't happen. I won't let it. Good luck to you. I hope you can find the strength to make the break. Keep us posted on your progress. We'll do the same.

 

I agree. It is most often the lessons learned with pain as a consequence that leave the most lasting impression. A child who touches a stove but does not get burned will keep touching the stove until he does.

[Heather1]

Moth to flame....

[Getting_stronger]

Heather and Stones throw, do you think about your xAP a lot, How do you stop? what are your strategies?

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather and Stones throw, do you think about your xAP a lot, How do you stop? what are your strategies?

 

Yes. A lot and a lot more than I'd like to. I find it's not bad for a few days and he may only enter my thoughts randomly and then there are times (like this weekend) that I'm thinking about him constantly. This makes me nervous that I'll break NC. I, for one, try to keep myself busy. I exercise which helps a great deal. When I'm not working out regularly, that makes things worse. I also try to think about how "not perfect" things were between us and how he held so much back from me. Which in reality doesn't constitute any type of real relationship. It's a fantasy. And finally, I focus on my H. I am reading a book called the Love Dare which I'm trying to utilize to help strengthen my R with my H. It too is helping in it's own way from the other angle.

 

But if I could just get him out of my head during sex, I would be so much better off. That I need some advice on. How do I stop thinking about exAP during sex. Anyone who can share they're tricks on that, I do need help!

[Heather1]

Think about him all the time still, except on my trip. I haven't been home for a few weeks, so I pretty much dropped off the planet to him & it's helping me. Limiting caffeine, trying to stay busy. I'm taking care of my mom now, she can barely walk but should be ok soon. It's bringing me down a little, but at least I'm out of town & won't see him.

My thoughts of him are mostly painful (which keeps me from contacting him). The last time I saw him was in the shower, so I have that visual & it's hard. But mostly I think of the rollercoaster & how I was a slave to my phone! I have enough hurtful memories now to keep me away.

I also think too he's under a lot of pressure. He kept getting sick, which might have been because of his home/work life & not me.

Then I think of the eventual outcome. If we could continue in our private bubble it would be one thing, I don't ever want this public.

Stone's Throw, he was too much of a wimp to end it so I had to. His endings always have a loophole (like "friends" or he's now coming into my work again? I changed my schedule). Whether it was me getting the hint or not, I was the one who had to slam the door.

[GreenEyedLady]

That man is such a creep, you really need to cut him out of your life forever.

 

He does the same thing over and over. Now YOU do something different.

 

((HUGS))

[Heather1]

I know. For some reason I still look at some good...& I buy into the apolgies, he misses me, etc. He can be SO charming, and then I give in too soon.

 

I'm bummed for some reason tonight. Even though I won't get ahold of him, part of me hopes he's thinking about me & has good thoughts. Stupid, I know.

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather, not stupid... human. You gave a lot of yourself to someone you thought you could trust and who would accept what you were giving. That is not the case. It's very painful. I don't know why this weekend was so hard. I am in the same boat as you.

[Heather1]

Probably because I'm hanging out at my Mom's while she recovers. I've only been out about an hour a day, since I'm the only one helping her. Kind of isolating.

 

Maybe I'll get her a sitter today so I can ride my bike & get out? I go home wed, which will be 4 weeks of absolutely NC. I was hoping I would have forgotten by the time I got home. Didn't realize caregiving would give me so much dwell time.

 

Maybe I'll take a break from the LS board too until I get home & am busy again. I need to not think about this at all!! You've all been extremely helpful !!

[Just a stone's throw]

It's a good thought too, as LS can be addicting in and of itsself and cause you to rehash things to a point of excess. Do what you think is right. Safe travels. Glad your Mom is improving.

[one of billions]

Thanks...I fell asleep early & woke up @ 3am thinking again.

 

Of course, due to this A I've isolated myself & have no one to talk to about it. No one knows.

 

I think what hurts the most is how totally used I feel. I promised myself, after I gave him a gift and he didn't give me one, that I'd never have sex with him again. I caved, and then he hasn't called me since. I thought it was great, I thought we were turning things around & I got the heave ho BIG TIME. Then I had to end things, even though I'm sure he just wanted me to figure it out & end it because he wouldn't. He took the wimpy way out.

 

Well....I feel good about a couple of things. I treated him well & never used him. I guess that's all that matters is how I treat people in the end. I'm surprised he was like that, because he's surrounded by users that want stuff from him because of his business. I would have thought I was a breath of fresh air. I never asked or expected anything from him. It would have been nice if he would have told me it was over, instead of letting weeks roll by where I had to figure it out.

 

It doesn't matter, he wants it to end. I can't force him to want me I've left him alone.

 

Heather, I am not familiar with your story, but if he doesn’t make you feel good anymore then why would you want to pursue him. You are feeling used because he is treating that way. You never asked or expected anything from him. You’ve made it so easy for him and he is continuing the pattern of doing as he wanted. You’re showing him that all he needs is a few apologies and a little charm and he can continue to use. It’s sad that even after treating you this way your thought is you can’t force him to be with you.

[Getting_stronger]

Oh its so easy to do though. If the XAP is charming, thoughtful, does a few things here and there to make you feel special- we cave! Despite distant bells ringing reminding us that he has let us down before, or did someting that showed us our low priority in his life, or keeps us hanging on every syllable, twisting and turning each word to see what he meant. It doesnt matter, we are hooked. Until we unhook ourselves, wash him off, start a new day, it just goes on and on.

 

I am at that stage now. I want to unhook, but the smallest piece of crumb from him and I come-a-running. UGH. I need a harden-the hell-up drink!

[Just a stone's throw]

GS, make mine a double!

[Just a stone's throw]

Oh, Heather, I just read your post on the other thread. I was so irritated with myself for feeling the need to break NC at this point and I didn't even want to post it but thought I needed to as part of being honest with someone out there including myself. I see you reached out too. UGGGHHH!! What is it with us? Why do we feel this need to validate our feelings by those that don't deserve anything from us? Be glad he didn't respond. Huge Hugs to you, I know you're stressed right now.

[Heather1]

GS, that is weird huh? I just remember at one time he was SO into me!! I told him no hugs one time (before A), really took a stance. I'd see him all the time, he was always coming to my work & his friends just loved me. We talked about everything& he said he'd be there for me no matter what....total conquest I guess cuz then everything changed. I took it as wrestling with guilt, but he's proven to me he barely cares about me.

ST- yeah, lots of stress. He won't get ahold of me, so that's good. Wish I was that strong.

[Getting_stronger]

Heather- yep the same for me. I was his soulmate, the one he should be with. Now Im its all too much for him and he feels too guilty to continue- oh but he is ok with the sex part! I posted on another thread that I am going to start transitioning him out. take longer to respond, not text him first- that sort of thing. Its not much- but its a huge improvement from where I am now. I need to creep some control back in on my side. Wish me luck

[Just a stone's throw]

GS, that's all well and good and I do wish you luck but do you think he'll even notice? In my case, exMM was too into himself. He never picked up on any of those subtlties when I was trying to prove a point that he wasn't the all-important. It was very frustrating. The funny thing is my H would have picked up on them right away. I ended up going the more direct route leading to one of our numerous mini-NC's which I always broke. I hope you are strong and when you're looking for additional strength, we'll be here for you!

[Getting_stronger]

Good point JAST- he may not notice at all- I hadnt thought of that. It was more about me I guess- showing myself that I am not some pathetic teenager hanging on every text or word.

 

But havibg said that i want him to get the hint too!! He probably will notice after a bit- and like you- my husband would notice that sort of thing a lot more quickly about me.

 

What did you do in the end... end it? Im sorry if you have said all this before

[Just a stone's throw]

He ended it. A little over a month ago. One of his kids got ahold of his phone (as the story goes) and there was a pretty innocent email from me. Kid questioned it, he lied his way out. Had extreme guilt and finally had to end it once and for all. We had many "mini-endings" prior to that which we always kept a "friend link" which would go back to full-blown FWB eventually. But now, it is done. It's been a tough weekend. Many emoutions in my head but I think the good ones came out on top. Lots of guilt while in church.

[Getting_stronger]

He ended it. A little over a month ago. One of his kids got ahold of his phone (as the story goes) and there was a pretty innocent email from me. Kid questioned it' date=' he lied his way out. Had extreme guilt and finally had to end it once and for all. We had many "mini-endings" prior to that which we always kept a "friend link" which would go back to full-blown FWB eventually. But now, it is done. It's been a tough weekend. Many emoutions in my head but I think the good ones came out on top. Lots of guilt while in church.[/quote']

 

 

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