Rogerroger Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 My marriage has been on a roller coaster for the past few years. My wife has suffered from mental illness and substance abuse, but there has been some progress on that front, which is why I'm still in it. She seems to have managed to commit to staying sober, and is getting both therapy and medication for the mental illness. The results here are that she is no longer verbally or physically abusive to me or our small children. However: We just don't seem to have the same values. She seems deeply interested in what I think are superficialities (the way she dresses, her hair, her nails, and whether or not she is popular at work, celebrity gossip, and so forth). Furthermore, she is very sensitive if I disagree with her opinion on anyone or anything. She takes disagreement as indicative of lack of support from me. So she may say, "Bill (at work) is such a huge jerk because took me off that project (because at the time she couldn't work on it because she was in the hospital recovering from alcohol abuse)." I know Bill, too, and really don't like being put in the position of having to be either with her and against him or with him and against her. But heaven forbid if I should suggest that Bill might have had good reasons for taking her off the project. She is comfortable lying to anyone about almost everything (including me). She lies about stupid things because she thinks people will judge her badly if she tells the truth, even though in some cases the lengths she has to go to to preserve the lies get to the point where the lies start to unravel. She makes a lot of people uncomfortable because when they befriend her, she tries to become their #1 BFF in the whole world, so sometimes they start avoiding her, and then she hates them with a passion. She has become very proactive about seeking out activities for the kids, but spends very little quality time with them at home. She dresses them immaculately, but clearly resents the fact that they generally ask for Daddy rather than Mommy. When I married her, she seemed such a different person. She was big-hearted, kind, loving, and fun. Now it seems she has turned her focus in a direction that I don't want me or my children to go. I wonder if her improvements are enough for me to stay in it and keep trying to help her.
Jeff1962 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Well first of all shared values are important in any LT relationship. Dude. You and your wife need professional help. I cannot help you. GET HELP.
troggleputty Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I'd guess the odds are favorable she's having an affair with "Bill."
del88 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Shared values are extremely important. You said she is getting help and is making improvements, some that is good. Perhaps, when she is at a point when she is doing much better you can start working on the relationship in counseling.
D. It Is Written Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) You need to support her. You're her husband. She is going through a difficult, transformational period in her life, and you're upset that she likes clothes and celebrity gossip? I think the correct answer to the Bill question would have been, "Yes, honey. He's a jerk for doing that." Regardless of whether you understood his reasoning. You need to be on her side. I feel that your concerns are stemming from selfishness or resentment of the way she treated you when she was not well. If you are not already, I think you should be in counseling too. I think your priority should be keeping your wife on the road to recovery, helping her build better relationships with her kids, and making sure she becomes a stable, balanced individual more akin to the woman you married. Edited April 8, 2010 by D. It Is Written
You Go Girl Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 She is comfortable lying to anyone about almost everything (including me). She lies about stupid things because she thinks people will judge her badly if she tells the truth, even though in some cases the lengths she has to go to to preserve the lies get to the point where the lies start to unravel. She makes a lot of people uncomfortable because when they befriend her, she tries to become their #1 BFF in the whole world, so sometimes they start avoiding her, and then she hates them with a passion. Now it seems she has turned her focus in a direction that I don't want me or my children to go. . On the preoccupation with superficiality--looks, nails, clothing--maybe she's trying to feel good about herself as she pulls herself out of her hole. Lying is unacceptable. Tell her that every single time you catch her. She needs to mature, and realize that lying is crossing people's natural boundaries. Being overbearingly friendly--she'll figure that out on her own, and until she does, she'll keep learning the same lesson over and over again. Say nothing about it. Last remark though--what is this direction she is pulling you in that you don't want to go?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Have people told you that she makes them uncomfortable? Has she told you that she lies because she's afraid of being judged harshly? Has she said that she resents that the kids ask for you? (mine ask for my husband, as well. He's rarely home, so when he is, I thrust them upon him with many statements like, "Go ask your father.") What are your values? If you are going to accuse someone of having different values than your own, I hope you have clearly defined yours. I'd like to hear yours, and what you perceive hers to be.
Recommended Posts