canberry Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hi, I broke up with my gay lover a few months ago. We were together for 8 years and the relationship was beautiful for the first few years. My lover loved me so much that he gave everything to me, even at the expense of sacrificing a lot things for himself. He took very good care of me to the point of making me dependent on him. From the beginnning, he took charge of all our finances and budgeting. I had a not-so-stable job then and I think he liked it that way coz I depended on him alot. He would be happy because I could just easily resign from my job whenever he wanted to travel for a month or two. When I finally got a job that I liked and was making a bit more money, he did not like it very much. He would tell me that I did not have to save money for my future because he can support me (actually, he couldn't). Instead, he wanted me to spend my hard-earned money on trips abroad with him and so I can go gambling at the casino with him. He always thought about me before himself (so I thought). As for me, I loved him and gave him what I can afford to give. I left some for myself but it came to a point that he was demanding more from me. I admit, I had been lazy and became comfortable in the relationship. But I never took advantage of his generosity and his good heart (???). In the past 4 of years, things have changed. He started hating people in general. According to him, he gives and gives to people but noone is there when he needed anything from people. He got into fights with co-workers, friends and family. And I have been placed in compromising situations between him and my friends. Almost everything around him became negative. Even when he meets up with his family, he'd regret it later on and tell me that he only went to the family gathering because he knew that family is important to me. He would embarrass me alone or whenever we are with my friends. Despite that, I tried to support him and stuck by his side, only to realize that I was becoming an emotional punching bag for him. He started complaining about the littlest of things about me. I told him to seek help but according to him, he doesnt need help. I dont think he ever saw his problem. When I asked for a break from the relationship so I could look at it from a different perspective, he did not take it very well and decided to break-up with me. We had an exchange of hurting words but now, we have both stopped contacting each other. I loved him because I know he is a good person deep inside. However, I also realize that he cannot love me because he doesn't love himself. Everytime something doesn't go his way, he would say its because of his bad luck. During our last years together, it became worse as he made me feel useless. Everyday, I would live with him and see how downward he's moving. He always talks about his bad pasts and how people have been bad to him. People around him have hurt him in the past. I am not one to intentionally do that because it is not in my nature. For now, I think the break up is good for me because I am able to gain back my self-respect and self-worth. Should I move on or wait for him to realize what he is losing? Appreciate your advice.
Angel1111 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 The short answers are 'yes' and 'yes'. Yes, he's abusive and, yes, you should move on. A great rule to live by is that if a man makes you feel bad about yourself, and about life in general, on a regular basis, cut him out of your life. His sad history aside, all these guys have the same freakin' story, they all use the same lines, and they all pick the same kind of women. They pick women who are kind and intelligent and independent. Then they do everything in their power to tear them down. And usually it starts out very subtle and is hard to pin-point. If you're really interested in knowing if he's abusive or not, the best book out there on abuse is Lundy Bancroft's book entitled 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of controlling and angry men)'. It's an eye-opener. The problem is, unless you come to terms with this; with the fact that you don't need to be with him and it isn't your job to feel sorry for him, you'll end up right back with him again. You can bank on the fact that he'll be calling you again and put on the saddest act you've ever seen. These men deserve academy awards for their performances. But things will never, ever change with him. But, as you say, they do have good qualities, and a lot of them even have good hearts that, every now and then, shows through. But that isn't a side you'll see very often and, deep down inside, they thrive on humiliating and controlling people. If you read the book, you'll understand what I mean. I strongly recommend that you thank your lucky stars that you're out of that relationship and that you have no children by him. You can fully cut ties and never have to deal with him ever again. Believe me when I tell you that he knows exactly what he has done to wreck your relationship, he knows exactly why he has driven you away, and he knows that you're kind and understanding, which will work against you if you're not careful. One thing women rarely understand is that our love, kindness and understanding should only be given to those who deserve it. Abusive men do not fall into that category. Find a man who makes you happy most of the time, and who doesn't act like a spoiled 2-yr-old.
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