alg24 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hi everyone! I guess this is just my venting... I have been maintaing NC pretty well. (In some respects) Some days are better than others-- this is my not so great day. ( I will not cave and call or text) I just needed to vent. I miss him, the good, and what we had... I know there was so much bad... The abusive words, the hurt, the pain... But I miss so badly his smell, his smile, waking up next to him... His comfort he gave me. It hard living in the same small town... Only one more month until he officially leaves. Over a week ago I did see him... I will not lie- we spent the night together (NO sex- I am crazy but not that crazy) He held me tight, did not attempt to have sex, told me he has missed me so much, he is sorry, he does love me, this is crazy... The next morning when I left at 5AM I told him we needed to continue to not talk... It will always be the same thing with us... We bring out the worst in each other and it will never be different... We have gone a month without contact, lets forget last night and continue NOT speaking. He said okay and he respects me. Later that day I got a couple text messages. I ignored them. He did not blow my phone up or say nasty things when I did not respond... A couple days later I got another text message- I miss you. Anyway, we have not talked in about 6-7 days. Before that conversation was brief but very civil. I will not go back there. Its not tempting to go back but I do miss him if that makes sense... I know this was not love, but I did love him (make sense?) And I gave him all my love... Insanity is doing the same thing over and trying to achieve different results. This man and I are insanity... Even if we were great it is still impossible. We come from different backgrounds. The age difference. It would never in a million years work. So why did I try for so long to make it work? And now that its over do I miss him so. Why can't I see the logic in this? Even if things were to magically work out and we would be great together its a impossible situation. Not to mention this was an affair-- its so fair from reality... People see the difference- I am much happier out of this affair. My closet friend and roommate still sees the sadness (she knows me so well though) But after this experience I am left sad, confused, hurt, and bitter. At age twenty-one I have very much hardened myself and have a bit of bitterness. It just sucks... Anyway, my advice is never start up an affair... It hurts everyone.. It does not matter if they are separated, divorcing, having problems, he is not happy-- just don't do it... People dealing with the aftermath-- stay strong! We all deserve happiness.. No contact allows yourself to heal. We need to keep away and keep ourself surrounding by positive healthy situations. Thank you everyone.
Author alg24 Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Also, I am thinking about leaving in a week or so to go back north.. I think getting away will do me some good. I need to distance myself from MM. My roommate/best friend is leaving monday which is very upsetting. (I have close family 45 minutes away)
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Going away is a great idea! Do it. But, whatever you do, remember that you do NOT owe your exMM so don't feel the need to tell him you're going away. A, I really wish you hadn't spent the night with him.. All that does is, is confirm in his mind that eventually you will cave if he waits around long enough and pushes your buttons. It's OK to miss him, allow yourself that..You are going to have rough days, probably for a while, but just remember what it is you're feeling will pass. Re-read your post, it has alot of insight. Deep down you know what's what.
Author alg24 Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you. Noo, I would not tell him I am leaving. I would just go. I think I need to get away.. I do not have set work where I am living and my school work can go with me... Might be a good time to get away. My mom and brother are actually coming down wednesday until monday next week... Perhaps I will make a overnight bag and go see them (they will be 45 minutes away) But regardless I will be visiting them a lot. I have also been making a point to keep away. (If you saw my other posts I ride horses) I do not ride nearby if I can help it, changed my schedule, etc. Its weird because logically it all makes sense, and I know its not a good situation. But I guess due to the fact its an addiction it makes it hard for me. I have been enjoying my life but not getting crazy. I have done nothing to draw attention to myself or get him upset. I live my life each day and keep away from anything associated with him. Luckily we travel in different circles and do not have the same friends. With his work he leaves in a month and will not be back until mid October. Perhaps even November. Also, this year (he did not do this last year) he will be in California for the month of June and July (maybe August) and I will be staying on the east coast. Somedays he understands that this is not meant to be. We bring out the worst in each other. We need to respect each other and keep away. I also mentioned to him months ago (before it was over) having me in his life makes things more difficult. He needs to focus on work and his younger children.. Thats the priority (and I must say he does make sure they are number one in his life, which they should be) Anyway... Also, forget the intense pain and crying for days for a minute.. I am over the drama truly... I don't want the craziness, jealousy... Not having it for a month was blissful. And the days during those months he would start with me (only a couple times) reminded me how much i do not want the bull**** I am 21... What am I doing?
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I am 21... What am I doing? Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep remembering this.
fooled once Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Over a week ago I did see him... I will not lie- we spent the night together (NO sex- I am crazy but not that crazy) He held me tight, did not attempt to have sex, told me he has missed me so much, he is sorry, he does love me, this is crazy... The next morning when I left at 5AM I told him we needed to continue to not talk... It will always be the same thing with us... We bring out the worst in each other and it will never be different... We have gone a month without contact, lets forget last night and continue NOT speaking. He said okay and he respects me. I cannot tell you how sad it was for me to read this I wondered where you have been and I have suspected you went back to him.... And until you truly do decide you want more for yourself, you will continue this cycle. This time there was no sex, but I would bet the next time (and yes, unfortunately, I do think there will be a next time), there will be and before you know it, you will be right back in the mess. Enjoy visiting your family.
Author alg24 Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 Fooled once- I did not disappear because we are back together... Or because I am entertaining that idea.. Honestly, no. I did disappear a little while because I had 6AM- 5PM work days =( (Not fun!) We went a month without the contact, I did have that slip up, and after that I have really kept away. Honestly. Even after posting this venting I have not had contact with him or seen him. I realize this is insanity... It will never change and it is a never ending cycle. My family is coming in this week (brother and mom) and after the week is up I am going to leave (will not tell exMM). I need the time away... Not just because of him but I think its time for a change of scenery. Today was a great day... I thought about him a little but had no desire to call or text... We have not had any contact in awhile (including seeing each other-- even in passing) I have COMPLETELY changed my schedule. I have no sexual desire to be with him, truthfully. Honestly, I do miss him, but the things he has said have beyond hurt me. I don't think I could ever be intimate with him.. And thats the truth. I have been beyond hurt. Missing him and the "good times" are one thing, but being intimate and physical with him is another. I have really been focusing on the negative things about him... My sleeping at night has gotten a lot better... Also, when I saw him weeks ago it was weird because I didn't get those butterflies in my stomach. The next morning when I told him it was done with us and we need to NOT speak anymore I spoke strong and confident. When he texted me hours later to try and reel me back in I did not respond... I am not fooling myself... Some days are better than others. Being away from each other for a month made me realize it was an addiction, we brought out the worst in each other, I stayed out of comfort and not wanting to be alone, any attention was better than no attention, and I was obsessed. Also, when someone cares about you they do not say such hurtful things... It was not just once but many times. He thought it was okay to hurt me then a couple hours later act like nothing happened... It was complete and utter insanity.
Getting_stronger Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Stay strong Alg! I think moving away will bring a whole new life to you. Big hugs
MizzBlue72 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 You know, you are going to be OK. One thing that you have going for you is you are questioning what you are doing. Lean on your family and friends and yes visiting away and not telling MM where you are going will help - a lot I bet. It will be hard to maintain NC, but in the long run, it will help you.
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