NoIDidn't Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I get why you hacked into his email, the long distance and the distrust. I also think that you knew enough about him to guess his password, so he couldn't have told you all lies. I don't think that blowing them up because you blew up your own life in the hopes of having one with him is in your best interest. If they find out about your hack job, you could face jail time if they decide to press charges. I agree with jthorne. There is no trust here. And if you are planning or even seriously thinking about revenge, there is also very little love as well. Love doesn't make a person act out in revenge. This thing is long distance. Cut your losses and move on. It doesn't sound like its worth digging yourself into a deeper hole.
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I agree completely with NID. And even more so since it's a long distance affair. Focus on what you have in your life NOW and go from there. Fix "you" and let the MM go. It's not worth going for revenge - Plus, you will feel stronger as time goes on! Best revenge is to live your life and never look back.
2sunny Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 you are unwilling to see the evidence that shows they are indeed still a married couple and intend to leave it that way. the exchanges show that they are still very much connected and keep in touch when he's away. i'd bet money you are not his only OW. her messages are of a loving, caring, concerned and devoted wife. his exchanges are short, curt and to the point - bearing little emotion and no info to work off of. this most likely represent the core of who they are. she's warm - he's very cold. she's open and he's very closed off... for good reason - he's hiding a lot and she isn't. he's unwilling to give up any info because he's got stuff to hide. take the evidence for what it is. they are still married - and acting as a married couple. he has no intention of leaving her- he just intends to keep her happy enough to do whatever he wants, when he wants. is that enough for you to continue in this tangled web?
datura_noir Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Um, forgive me, FA, but I went back and read some of your older posts one day, and came upon one wherein you said that your MM gave you his passwords because you had found that he was secretly communicating with a MW that he'd had/was still having a NSA affair with. Your post stated that you told MM to either drop her or you were gone, and that he did drop her, and then he offered you his passwords! Of course, I was curious and confused about what I had read and had to read it about 3 or 4 times, but about a week or two later, I went back to check out that post for a reference to another thread, and that particular post and some others had mysteriously disappeared. I know I was not imagining things, and no, I'm not a bored stalker either. So please, do not promote falsehoods on here, I know what you posted and can't imagine why you are trying to twist things up-these situations are complicated enough!!
Fallen Angel Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Um, forgive me, FA, but I went back and read some of your older posts one day, and came upon one wherein you said that your MM gave you his passwords because you had found that he was secretly communicating with a MW that he'd had/was still having a NSA affair with. Your post stated that you told MM to either drop her or you were gone, and that he did drop her, and then he offered you his passwords! Of course, I was curious and confused about what I had read and had to read it about 3 or 4 times, but about a week or two later, I went back to check out that post for a reference to another thread, and that particular post and some others had mysteriously disappeared. I know I was not imagining things, and no, I'm not a bored stalker either. So please, do not promote falsehoods on here, I know what you posted and can't imagine why you are trying to twist things up-these situations are complicated enough!! I do not remember ever saying any such thing, and would be grateful if you could please point me to where this might be posted, as to I believe perhaps you are confusing me with someone else. I have NEVER told My Sweetheart to "drop" anyone. As to him "secretly communicating" with a MW he was/is having a NSA affair with, if he is/was doing any such thing, it is still a secret. He occasionally gets a call/email from a woman he was involved with many years ago, but he always tells me if she calls or emails, as she was "stalking" me on several of my online accounts for a time when she found out that he and I were involved.
Fallen Angel Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I do not remember ever saying any such thing, and would be grateful if you could please point me to where this might be posted, as to I believe perhaps you are confusing me with someone else. I have NEVER told My Sweetheart to "drop" anyone. As to him "secretly communicating" with a MW he was/is having a NSA affair with, if he is/was doing any such thing, it is still a secret. He occasionally gets a call/email from a woman he was involved with many years ago, but he always tells me if she calls or emails, as she was "stalking" me on several of my online accounts for a time when she found out that he and I were involved. I have been turning this over in my head trying to figure this out... perhaps you are speaking about the fact that he was in NSA affairs prior to our own relationship turning physical? Once our friendship developed into more than just friendship I did say that it was unacceptable to me for him to continue in any other relationship. He was occasionally getting calls and/or emails from a couple of former affair partners. He did give me his passwords after the disclosure of this information, though as I recall one had very little to do with the other, except that it is his way of being "transparent" with me, and so to alliviate any concerns I may have that he might continue in those affairs. To my knowledge he has not continued in those affairs, and when either of these women attempt to contact him, he lets me know right away because we have agreed to be honest with each other. He does occasionally accept a phone call from the one mentioned in my previous post, as she has been a long time "family friend". He is forthcoming about these calls by telling me about them. I do not think I "twisted" anything. He offered me the passwords after our conversation about trust. I did not demand them, nor would I have.
Getting_stronger Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Oilrig babe- move on. You cant twist and turn every nuance in your head. You are the one this hurts- not him. Things are what they are. He is married. You are married. The end. If you choose to continue the affair- recognise it for what it is. A secondary relationship that will never satisfy you if you are looking to be his primary focus. Maybe in future things will change. But right hjere- right now- it is what it is. Stop stalking him, get your own womderful life back in order, and take back control. You are losing it and your attractiveness to yourself, him, your husband etc will diminish big time. xx
torranceshipman Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 He offered them to me after we had been talking about my exH and all the lies he told, and all the things he hid. We had been discussing the fact that trust is something that doesn't come easily to me. He asked if I trusted him, and I said yes. He said he wanted me to have his passwrods so that if anytime I had a doubt, I would be free to check up on anything I wanted. I do not as a rule read his personal things. I do go into several of his online accounts (myspace) regularly, but at his request. (I manage his apps *mobsters* for him when he is working and does not have access to internet.) I have occasionaly opened an email that appeared by it's subject line to be "hinky", a hold over from having a dishonest, hurtful husband for 15 years I suppose, but I have yet to find anything to make me believe anything other than what he has told me. There have been women who have "flirted" with him on myspace, but he always denies their attempts at "friendship", denying the friend request and following it up with a short note saying that he is happily in love. ((I know this because one of them wrote me a note and forwarded his message to me... she said that she was impressed by the way he just came out and said he was in love with me and not interested in anything other than mobbies. )) I trust what he tells me to be the truth, but if I ever have even a moment of doubt, he has given me the tools I would need to research what is making me feel doubt. Isn't that what people say they expect of a wayward spouse when they are repairing the marriage? Full transparency? Why then does it seem so odd, after his initial lies by ommission to me about his maritial status, that he would want to be totally transparent with me? He is showing me that he will do anything that will help me to feel more comfortable, even if it is not something I asked for. And the truth is, it is nice to know, that he trusts me enough to allow me that intimate look into what is his private domain, if ever I choose to look. So he lied to you about being married in the 1st place, and then 'proves' he is honest by giving you access to some, but not all of his email accounts? (he and his W/family will email each other regularly, and I am guessing he uses an account you don't see for that - so he is hardly being honest with you by passing on passwords to accounts he decides he is happy for you to see). He's also had A's before and still keeps in touch with at least one of them. He sounds like a pro. I hope I don't sound like I have a beef with you-I don't. I don't like the sound of the MM, though - its him I am criticizing not you. He's not being honest with you.
OWoman Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Mizz, I get the point you are trying to make here, but by stating this: A lot of problems happen when we, the OW, start thinking the A is a real relationship. Let's face it - it's not. We aren't the ones who will spend vacations or holidays with the OM. His wife will. Birthdays, shopping, nights out at the theater, rolling over in the morning and smiling at each other .... those are the moments that we would like to share with the MM. These are the moments that we never get while in the A. ... as such a bald generalisation, it just begs those of us whose As WERE "real" in the terms you describe above to speak up and take issue with your post. Some As are as you describe; others are not. Some As are the "real" R, while the W gets the scraps. Not all As are the same. Oilrig - I do think you're clutching at straws here. I think you are trying to build a R out of fairydust and hope, ignoring evidence that suggests your MM is as, or more, invested in his M. The fact that you're so low on trust should be a clue for you - he's just not convincing you, and for good reason: the case against is stronger than the case for. Based on the evidence you've presented, he's not about to dump her. Cut your losses - or accept your current role for the long haul. I see little changing, unless you change it.
Got it Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 OK, this is important, what you stated here. Blurring the lines between what is real and what is not. As much as we want to believe it, affairs IMO are not a real relationship. Affairs are the pieces that we can steal when the OW/OM are away from their spouse. A lot of problems happen when we, the OW, start thinking the A is a real relationship. Let's face it - it's not. We aren't the ones who will spend vacations or holidays with the OM. His wife will. Birthdays, shopping, nights out at the theater, rolling over in the morning and smiling at each other .... those are the moments that we would like to share with the MM. These are the moments that we never get while in the A. I had a major problem with the 'what is real and what is fantasy' when I started the A with MM. It was really hard. Tore me up more than once. If you are going to continue with the A, you have to acknowledge that these things you will not have. Keeping that in perspective will help to keep you sane. QUOTE] Really? I got all of that and more in my affair. Why such a broad generalization on affairs? Not all affairs are moments in the middle of the day, sneaking in an hour or two a month, etc. Quite a few are multiple times a week, overnighters, vacations, etc.
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