oilrig Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 MM received and email invite from a company he used to work for and our currently friends(although 150 miles away). The invite was directed (en mass) by email to the man and his partner. MM responded---"Although an evening out with you guys would do me a world of good I have have to decliine as the work situation has not changed---which is also the reason for my late reply(as I was hoping for the situation to change). The function was at a hotel(150 miles away) which just so happens to be in the same town as his wifes sister too. It was signed, MM & Wife(her name of course) I was a bit surprised to see that response and the thought of them at this dinner and an over night together--. could of also been an easy way of getting out of an event by using the "unemployed work excuse" after all who is going to say --can't come for marital reasons. However, i see if as he still very much sees himself as part of a couple by signing it as he did!! Bugger bugger bugger--Anyone see it as I do --or insignificant?
Crazyforhim Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) I really don't know that I would read that much into it. I, for example, sent out Christmas cards in December signed my H and I plus kids. I had already moved out and was done with the M, but we live in a small town and it was just easier to do that than explain the whole situation. Obviously if these people were close to your MM they would have probably already known the he and W were having issues as my close friends already knew. Edited March 11, 2010 by Crazyforhim Addition of verbiage
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Why does this surprise you so much? He is married and his wife is not a 'ghost'. She does exist. Maybe you're actually seeing this for what it is. An affair with a selfish man who just wants you as the OW. Nothing more, nothing less. He isn't divorcing or leaving his wife, he is just having an affair. At home he has his wife to meet all his other needs. She exists and I'm sure his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be (to you). MM and MW exaggerate and lie, to get what they want.
Brokenlady Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Yes, I believe he still sees himself as her husband and part of a couple with her - because he is. The reality is that he and his W are still a cohesive unit - while he's still married and living with her. Much as it is discomforting to you, they are a unit until he decides to make changes. I used to be somewhat upset by similar things when xDM was still MM, but it is to be expected.
2sure Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I'm missing something. Why wouldn't he answer an invitation to he & his wife , from he & his wife??
Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I did not quit responding to things sent to my now exH and I as a couple until after our divorce was final.. and because i knew that he would forget birthdays and such, I signed his name to the cards/gifts even after we had been well separated. I didn't think of it as us being a couple, just that it was what people had come to expect. *shrug* there was no real thought behind it. I had even put his name on gifts to my children at Christmas until My Sweetheart reminded me that I no longer was obligated to make up for his shortcomings, and that signing only my own name on the gifts I had worked so hard to pay for for my children was acknowledgment to them of how MOM was thinking about them and working hard for them to have what they wanted and needed. But I had just been so used to doing it for so long.... now I sign only MY name to gifts and cards... unless they are from My Sweetheart and myself.. which then we both sign.
Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 What is it you're hoping we'll say here? That yes, of course, he HAD to sign it MM and W because he didn't want his former co-workers to know his M is in trouble? How could we possibly know that? And the next time you decide to stalk his W's Facebook account, and she says something like "H and I are going on holiday" or "H and I are going to a function with the kids", are you going to come back and want us to tell you he's only going through the motions? I'm just really confused as to what benefit there is to trying to interpret things. Generally, if you think you're being strung along, you probably are. Ummm.. I am confused.. is there some big back story I have missed?
Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Yes. She hacked into MM's email and read all his email, and something as well with W's facebook account. The gist I got from her last post (as well as this one) is taking the info she has, she's wanting to know if she's being strung along. My apologies to the OP if this is incorrect, but the hacking was what I was referring to in my post. Well, I haven't seen that thread, but I would venture to say that anyone who distrusts what they are being told so much that they would go to that extreme to gather information should probably rethink the whole relationship. That being said, My Sweetheart has given me passwords to his online accounts, so that I am free to see whatever I want, whenever I want. (And he has my passwords as well) So we have no reason to distrust each other. Any relationship in which the partners involved keep secrets from each other, should be rethought. In My Opinion.
pureinheart Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 you said you are married ....are you divorced now...???? Hey Scorp!!!!!!
White Flower Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Hey Scorp!!!!!! I feel like I'm following you to make sure you're following after scorp!
Author oilrig Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 it would be great to exchange passwords but the account is his wifes too-she doesn't have anything seperate. You know, i think about everything all the time--what is real what is not--its hard when its long distance and and affair. all i am doing is trying to find out the truth because her behaviour just doesn't seem to coordinate with a couple that is "suppose to be moving forward with a possible separation" I am doing all this as i see so many woman duped by married men and their words--- Yes its not right--yes its not trusting--but in absense of talking to her how do i really know--all her missing you remarks--missing you like mad--hope you miss us as much as we miss you---xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx , lots of love--how are these remarks of someone who's husband is saying they need to think of moving forward -other than calling her and possibly devastating her world if he has been a total fraud--than this does feel like the less "intrusive way"--this way i am dealing with him. hi last email message home was very brief--have a great weekend-say happy birthday to ____ x that one kiss-- drives me insane I asked him about it--when you text or email do you foster things--ie hugs or kisses -he said NO well i guess he conveniently forgot about that one kiss I guess that should be my answer right--I am devestated at the fact that yes maybe i too have been lied to for over a year or so--i am trying to match up actions-words-i mean this is someone i have talked to every day for a year--hours and hours---and met 5 times over the last year--not just a quicky one night a week somewhere. I don't get what he could possibly be getting out of it---why waste your time with all that talking-- So i am trying to figure it all out in the best way I know how with all your help here :) Please help me- don't chastise me please--after all if he is a liar than i think i have been beat up enough for one year thannks- When we are together i have no insecurites, everything he has said about everthing has always added up-- he tells me all the times she won't let go--wants him back to the old person he was--"he will come out of this" she loves him and that is all that matters--tells me she says she is missing him--he in one year has never spoke bad of her(like i see some people saying) he doesn't make out like his life is bad at all at home--just doesn't want to be with her anymore in a marriage but really wished to remain a Dad. Huge expectations this year with their 20th anniversary coming up in May too--as he says--happy 20th--so long I am off--how cruel does that sound he says? He admits he is slow--he admits he has no way to proove how things are going there -- My heart loves him--my head is trying to protect myself--he adores me and spends all his time with me that he possibly can--makesvideos for me--wants to be a part of his day as much as possilbe. He has gone to great lengths and times to make it look like they are moving forward if its all a lie and when its an overseas online thing--why bother??? Anyways i am ranting--but i guess that is also why this space is here too--too rant and I am just a girl in love with someone -wanting them to be in love with me as deeply as he says he is. unfortunatley i have a head over my heart and its my head that wants to make sure too--
greengoddess Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 You need help. Reading their emails is so wrong on so many levels. It's scary actually. and you are not only reading them but POSTING them?
herenow Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Well, I haven't seen that thread, but I would venture to say that anyone who distrusts what they are being told so much that they would go to that extreme to gather information should probably rethink the whole relationship. That being said, My Sweetheart has given me passwords to his online accounts, so that I am free to see whatever I want, whenever I want. (And he has my passwords as well) So we have no reason to distrust each other. Any relationship in which the partners involved keep secrets from each other, should be rethought. In My Opinion. The reality is, you can have passwords to, what you think is, everything and still be in the dark. I had all my H's passwords, but guess what, I didn't even know about the account he used to communicate with his OW. I didn't see that one until d-day when he divulged it.
Tashcw Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 He has gone to great lengths and times to make it look like they are moving forward if its all a lie and when its an overseas online thing--why bother??? -- Have you had any other proof they're 'moving on' other than what he's said? Because sadly even all he's said is that they're "moving forward possibly with a separation" that doesn't sound like a guy who is anywhere near leaving his wife and children. Have you discussed what would happen if he did leave? Where you would both live? How often he'd like to see his children? Money issues etc?
fooled once Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 it would be great to exchange passwords but the account is his wifes too-she doesn't have anything seperate. You know, i think about everything all the time--what is real what is not--its hard when its long distance and and affair. all i am doing is trying to find out the truth because her behaviour just doesn't seem to coordinate with a couple that is "suppose to be moving forward with a possible separation" I am doing all this as i see so many woman duped by married men and their words--- Yes its not right--yes its not trusting--but in absense of talking to her how do i really know--all her missing you remarks--missing you like mad--hope you miss us as much as we miss you---xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx , lots of love--how are these remarks of someone who's husband is saying they need to think of moving forward -other than calling her and possibly devastating her world if he has been a total fraud--than this does feel like the less "intrusive way"--this way i am dealing with him. hi last email message home was very brief--have a great weekend-say happy birthday to ____ x that one kiss-- drives me insane I asked him about it--when you text or email do you foster things--ie hugs or kisses -he said NO well i guess he conveniently forgot about that one kiss I guess that should be my answer right--I am devestated at the fact that yes maybe i too have been lied to for over a year or so--i am trying to match up actions-words-i mean this is someone i have talked to every day for a year--hours and hours---and met 5 times over the last year--not just a quicky one night a week somewhere. I don't get what he could possibly be getting out of it---why waste your time with all that talking-- So i am trying to figure it all out in the best way I know how with all your help here :) Please help me- don't chastise me please--after all if he is a liar than i think i have been beat up enough for one year thannks- When we are together i have no insecurites, everything he has said about everthing has always added up-- he tells me all the times she won't let go--wants him back to the old person he was--"he will come out of this" she loves him and that is all that matters--tells me she says she is missing him--he in one year has never spoke bad of her(like i see some people saying) he doesn't make out like his life is bad at all at home--just doesn't want to be with her anymore in a marriage but really wished to remain a Dad. Huge expectations this year with their 20th anniversary coming up in May too--as he says--happy 20th--so long I am off--how cruel does that sound he says? He admits he is slow--he admits he has no way to proove how things are going there -- My heart loves him--my head is trying to protect myself--he adores me and spends all his time with me that he possibly can--makesvideos for me--wants to be a part of his day as much as possilbe. He has gone to great lengths and times to make it look like they are moving forward if its all a lie and when its an overseas online thing--why bother??? Anyways i am ranting--but i guess that is also why this space is here too--too rant and I am just a girl in love with someone -wanting them to be in love with me as deeply as he says he is. unfortunatley i have a head over my heart and its my head that wants to make sure too-- Stay out of his email!!! Really oilrig. Stay out of his personal business. It isn't your place. You are his mistress, not his wife. You are going to have to figure out for yourself, without the continued hacking into his and her personal stuff, what you want to do. Continue to believe him or trust him.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 ll i am doing is trying to find out the truth because her behaviour just doesn't seem to coordinate with a couple that is "suppose to be moving forward with a possible separation" I am doing all this as i see so many woman duped by married men and their words--- Yes its not right--yes its not trusting--but in absense of talking to her how do i really know--all her missing you remarks--missing you like mad--hope you miss us as much as we miss you---xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx , lots of love--how are these remarks of someone who's husband is saying they need to think of moving forward -other than calling her and possibly devastating her world if he has been a total fraud--than this does feel like the less "intrusive way"--this way i am dealing with him. WOW! You're right her behavior doesn't at all coordinate with a couple that is supposed to be getting a "possible separation" (what the heck is a possible separation????) There's the information you need. Right there. No need to look elsewhere. He's a liar and a cheater, what else do you need to know???? Why are you putting so much thought into something when the information is screaming in your face? If you are having trouble accepting it, then call her up, email her. Send her an email from him discussing the "possible separation" and see how she responds. If a simple X bothers you, you'd be put over the edge if you spent a night as a fly on the wall when he is home! I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but the truth is plain as day. He's playing both of you, how obvious can it get???
torranceshipman Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Oilrig, I think the evidence has mounted up to ridiculous levels here. You need to walk away from this one. And to the poster who has access to all their sweethearts email accounts: any man that gives you access to all his email accounts - thats a really unhealthy thing to do. I do understand why that is important to you - I know an A ups the insecurity factor, etc, and it must be reassuring for you to have that access so you know what he's doing, that there aren't other OW's, etc. But a) I'm presuming that he has at least 1 account you don't see, unless he doesn't mind you eavesdropping on everything his W and kids write to him (which is a bit twisted, you must admit-letting his mistress read his W's emails), and also has no problem in your accessing his work data and all sensitive work related stuff in it. I;m guessing there's at least 1 account you're not seeing for those reasons...
Fallen Angel Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Oilrig, I think the evidence has mounted up to ridiculous levels here. You need to walk away from this one. And to the poster who has access to all their sweethearts email accounts: any man that gives you access to all his email accounts - thats a really unhealthy thing to do. I do understand why that is important to you - I know an A ups the insecurity factor, etc, and it must be reassuring for you to have that access so you know what he's doing, that there aren't other OW's, etc. But a) I'm presuming that he has at least 1 account you don't see, unless he doesn't mind you eavesdropping on everything his W and kids write to him (which is a bit twisted, you must admit-letting his mistress read his W's emails), and also has no problem in your accessing his work data and all sensitive work related stuff in it. I;m guessing there's at least 1 account you're not seeing for those reasons... I don't see what is "unhealthy" about it. But you are right, he could possibly have an account I do not know about. i could possibly have accounts that he doesn't know about. That is true of anyone in any relationship these days. But i do not have accounts he does not know about, and I trust him when he tells me that I know about all of his accounts. That is the thing, we trust each other. He has no reason to lie to me, nor I to him. I did not demand, or even ask for the passwords to his accounts. He offered them to me. If he had an account that he used to communicate with his wife, then he would I am sure have just told me as much. I would not open emails from his children. I would probably not open an email from his wife if I came across one. (I have never seen one, hence the "probably" as I haven't faced that temptation yet, so can not say with 100 percent certainty how I would deal with it.) That is the thing about trust.. you say "he could have, and probably does..." I say, "he could have, but I have no reason to doubt when he says he doesn't..." I trust him. If I reach a point in our relationship when I do not trust him, then it is time for me to remove myself from that relationship.
fooled once Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 I don't see what is "unhealthy" about it. But you are right, he could possibly have an account I do not know about. i could possibly have accounts that he doesn't know about. That is true of anyone in any relationship these days. But i do not have accounts he does not know about, and I trust him when he tells me that I know about all of his accounts. That is the thing, we trust each other. He has no reason to lie to me, nor I to him. I did not demand, or even ask for the passwords to his accounts. He offered them to me. If he had an account that he used to communicate with his wife, then he would I am sure have just told me as much. I would not open emails from his children. I would probably not open an email from his wife if I came across one. (I have never seen one, hence the "probably" as I haven't faced that temptation yet, so can not say with 100 percent certainty how I would deal with it.) That is the thing about trust.. you say "he could have, and probably does..." I say, "he could have, but I have no reason to doubt when he says he doesn't..." I trust him. If I reach a point in our relationship when I do not trust him, then it is time for me to remove myself from that relationship. Threadjacking for just a second...something FA wrote interested me... why would you or he need your passwords? I ask because as you know, I am married (and happily). I have not, in 12 years of marriage, ever needed to be in my husband's email nor he in mine. There is just no need. Not because either of us are hiding anything, but my email is just that, my email. If we have email from family, many times we are both copied. But i get email from my mom that is personal - between her and I. He has no need to read it, unless I forward it to him. No, we don't keep secrets, but I am sure he has no interest in my mom's daily movements (LOL - not like it is exciting or anything!!) I just can't image why I would need to be in his email. So FA, if you can seriously help me with this - why is there a 'need' for you to be in his email and/or him in yours? Or is it more of a "in case you need it, here are my passwords" kind of thing? Do you daily/weekly go in and read his email? I personally don't take you as the snooping kind, which is why I ask.
Fallen Angel Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 (edited) Threadjacking for just a second...something FA wrote interested me... why would you or he need your passwords? I ask because as you know, I am married (and happily). I have not, in 12 years of marriage, ever needed to be in my husband's email nor he in mine. There is just no need. Not because either of us are hiding anything, but my email is just that, my email. If we have email from family, many times we are both copied. But i get email from my mom that is personal - between her and I. He has no need to read it, unless I forward it to him. No, we don't keep secrets, but I am sure he has no interest in my mom's daily movements (LOL - not like it is exciting or anything!!) I just can't image why I would need to be in his email. So FA, if you can seriously help me with this - why is there a 'need' for you to be in his email and/or him in yours? Or is it more of a "in case you need it, here are my passwords" kind of thing? Do you daily/weekly go in and read his email? I personally don't take you as the snooping kind, which is why I ask. He offered them to me after we had been talking about my exH and all the lies he told, and all the things he hid. We had been discussing the fact that trust is something that doesn't come easily to me. He asked if I trusted him, and I said yes. He said he wanted me to have his passwrods so that if anytime I had a doubt, I would be free to check up on anything I wanted. I do not as a rule read his personal things. I do go into several of his online accounts (myspace) regularly, but at his request. (I manage his apps *mobsters* for him when he is working and does not have access to internet.) I have occasionaly opened an email that appeared by it's subject line to be "hinky", a hold over from having a dishonest, hurtful husband for 15 years I suppose, but I have yet to find anything to make me believe anything other than what he has told me. There have been women who have "flirted" with him on myspace, but he always denies their attempts at "friendship", denying the friend request and following it up with a short note saying that he is happily in love. ((I know this because one of them wrote me a note and forwarded his message to me... she said that she was impressed by the way he just came out and said he was in love with me and not interested in anything other than mobbies. )) I trust what he tells me to be the truth, but if I ever have even a moment of doubt, he has given me the tools I would need to research what is making me feel doubt. Isn't that what people say they expect of a wayward spouse when they are repairing the marriage? Full transparency? Why then does it seem so odd, after his initial lies by ommission to me about his maritial status, that he would want to be totally transparent with me? He is showing me that he will do anything that will help me to feel more comfortable, even if it is not something I asked for. And the truth is, it is nice to know, that he trusts me enough to allow me that intimate look into what is his private domain, if ever I choose to look. Edited March 13, 2010 by Fallen Angel that whole.. I suck at typing thing again.
Got it Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Oilrig, I think the evidence has mounted up to ridiculous levels here. You need to walk away from this one. And to the poster who has access to all their sweethearts email accounts: any man that gives you access to all his email accounts - thats a really unhealthy thing to do. I do understand why that is important to you - I know an A ups the insecurity factor, etc, and it must be reassuring for you to have that access so you know what he's doing, that there aren't other OW's, etc. But a) I'm presuming that he has at least 1 account you don't see, unless he doesn't mind you eavesdropping on everything his W and kids write to him (which is a bit twisted, you must admit-letting his mistress read his W's emails), and also has no problem in your accessing his work data and all sensitive work related stuff in it. I;m guessing there's at least 1 account you're not seeing for those reasons... That is ridiculous! How on earth is it unhealthy? Unhealthy for whom? My sMM and I have access to any and all accounts that we want. We understand that separation and living separate lives contributed to the ending of our own marriages so a lesson we are not repeating in our relationship. Isn't this level of sharing, being totally transparent, what another infidelity websites say should be done between the BW and WS? Well if it works in that relationship it works in other relationships.
MizzBlue72 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 You know, i think about everything all the time--what is real what is not--its hard when its long distance and and affair. OK, this is important, what you stated here. Blurring the lines between what is real and what is not. As much as we want to believe it, affairs IMO are not a real relationship. Affairs are the pieces that we can steal when the OW/OM are away from their spouse. A lot of problems happen when we, the OW, start thinking the A is a real relationship. Let's face it - it's not. We aren't the ones who will spend vacations or holidays with the OM. His wife will. Birthdays, shopping, nights out at the theater, rolling over in the morning and smiling at each other .... those are the moments that we would like to share with the MM. These are the moments that we never get while in the A. I had a major problem with the 'what is real and what is fantasy' when I started the A with MM. It was really hard. Tore me up more than once. If you are going to continue with the A, you have to acknowledge that these things you will not have. Keeping that in perspective will help to keep you sane. I'm not sure about exchanging passwords. I don't believe in that. The MM I am seeing is separated from W and moved out of state from her, and now lives in the same town as I, but I still feel that he deserves his privacy, and I mine. If he asked for my passwords, I would give them to him (and he me) but I wouldn't want them. I just think that's not right.
MizzBlue72 Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Oilrig, I think the evidence has mounted up to ridiculous levels here. You need to walk away from this one. And to the poster who has access to all their sweethearts email accounts: any man that gives you access to all his email accounts - thats a really unhealthy thing to do. I do understand why that is important to you - I know an A ups the insecurity factor, etc, and it must be reassuring for you to have that access so you know what he's doing, that there aren't other OW's, etc. But a) I'm presuming that he has at least 1 account you don't see, unless he doesn't mind you eavesdropping on everything his W and kids write to him (which is a bit twisted, you must admit-letting his mistress read his W's emails), and also has no problem in your accessing his work data and all sensitive work related stuff in it. I;m guessing there's at least 1 account you're not seeing for those reasons... I agree with you 180% I just can NOT understand why people would want to share each other's passwords. No - I am not hiding anything from my partner. I would never dream of asking for this. I don't know ... My xH lied every time his mouth moved. And I still would not have wanted his email passwords. Same as I think it is an invasion for me to open his mail or rummage through his wallet. He showed me the same respect by not going through my purse. Maybe I have NO clue what I am talking about here, since yes, I am divorced from xH .... but hell. What do I know???
fooled once Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 He offered them to me after we had been talking about my exH and all the lies he told, and all the things he hid. We had been discussing the fact that trust is something that doesn't come easily to me. He asked if I trusted him, and I said yes. He said he wanted me to have his passwrods so that if anytime I had a doubt, I would be free to check up on anything I wanted. I do not as a rule read his personal things. I do go into several of his online accounts (myspace) regularly, but at his request. (I manage his apps *mobsters* for him when he is working and does not have access to internet.) I have occasionaly opened an email that appeared by it's subject line to be "hinky", a hold over from having a dishonest, hurtful husband for 15 years I suppose, but I have yet to find anything to make me believe anything other than what he has told me. There have been women who have "flirted" with him on myspace, but he always denies their attempts at "friendship", denying the friend request and following it up with a short note saying that he is happily in love. ((I know this because one of them wrote me a note and forwarded his message to me... she said that she was impressed by the way he just came out and said he was in love with me and not interested in anything other than mobbies. )) I trust what he tells me to be the truth, but if I ever have even a moment of doubt, he has given me the tools I would need to research what is making me feel doubt. Isn't that what people say they expect of a wayward spouse when they are repairing the marriage? Full transparency? Why then does it seem so odd, after his initial lies by ommission to me about his maritial status, that he would want to be totally transparent with me? He is showing me that he will do anything that will help me to feel more comfortable, even if it is not something I asked for. And the truth is, it is nice to know, that he trusts me enough to allow me that intimate look into what is his private domain, if ever I choose to look. Thanks FA - Honestly, I wasn't being critical .... I was just curious as to how it came about and I never said anything about expectations of wayward spouses. I was just curious as to why you and he decided to give each other passwords and if you and he went into each others email on a regular basis. As I said, I am married and don't do that and even when H and I dated, I didn't do that so it was very that people do that. It wasn't a criticism, I was just curious.
Author oilrig Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 sorry i fell for someone who like me was married--but I never said one word of a lie to him and shame on me for thinking someone else in the human race could do the same back to me. i hate myelf for being a fool--and i hate him more for playing me like one--it is going to take all my power to not send a whole crap load of stuff of our year long romance-pictures etccc to show her what a cad he has been. why do i have to be the only one to suffer here? my family has know everything since we made it known---why does he get to now sulk away and live a normal life??? He should lose everything too-******* that he is
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