mybrowneyedgirl Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 not much to update i guess. H. i have finally come to grips that our marriage is over. i can try and try and try but i think ive done too much damage. we are proceeding with the divorce. i am keeping my distance after he has obviously had issues dealing with the pain ive caused him. im not giving him room for the absusive comments. im not chasing him. things have settled and we are civil. but we will probably end up divorced. im ok with it. MM. still havent replied to his email. i guess hes getting divorced as well. only time will tell. me. im maintaining. its hard to be a single mom. im grieving my marriage, what ive done to my kids, my H and also my MM. and so i just am trying to get through the days. i doubt i'll ever see happiness again. im sad and heartbroken. i havent been tempted to respond to MM. so nothing major to report except for now i'm a single mom struggling to make ends meet and do right by my children. as all others have said. never, never get involved in an affair. it is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I don't doubt you will ever see happiness again .. You did the right thing in setting your husband free and not responding to his abusive comments.. Only time will tell if your husband wishes to forgive you and fight for you or if the OM ... or maybe someone in the future.. Hopefully your husband will be able to contribute to yours and/or your children's support .. You will be happier free .. and you Also will be happier with someone else, once you are happy being with yourself ..
Crazyforhim Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 ((hugs)), Sorry you're feeling low right now but I think you've made the right decision about your M. Stop beating yourself up so much. Even though you know having the A was wrong obviously there were other issues in the M that led you to the situation you found yourself in. Maybe things with OM will work out, maybe they won't. Only time will tell. Until then my advice is to live in the present, enjoy those beautiful kids of yours and go and find yourself again. I have decided that I have given and given so much of ME to everyone else over the last 17 years I was M that it's now time to be a little more selfish and focus on me and find my true self before getting back in any relationship. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk sometime. Our stories are similar so I really know what you're going through.
pureinheart Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hey MBEG.... I was a single mom and it's a transition right now, although I promise it will get better, count on that. Actually MBEG, I've always done better financially (after the dust settled and I became more stable), even raising two kids, on my own. JMO, your H is abusive, and he didn't all of a sudden get that way, even if the A "triggered" it, it was still there and would have surfaced (if it already hadn't) eventually. Telling you right now in the devastation that all will be well with you, is something that is not seen, although it will be seen.....((((MBEG)))))
pureinheart Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I don't doubt you will ever see happiness again .. You did the right thing in setting your husband free and not responding to his abusive comments.. Only time will tell if your husband wishes to forgive you and fight for you or if the OM ... or maybe someone in the future.. Hopefully your husband will be able to contribute to yours and/or your children's support .. You will be happier free .. and you Also will be happier with someone else, once you are happy being with yourself .. This is the key, right there....
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 me. im maintaining. its hard to be a single mom. im grieving my marriage, what ive done to my kids, my H and also my MM. and so i just am trying to get through the days. i doubt i'll ever see happiness again. im sad and heartbroken. i havent been tempted to respond to MM. You will see happiness again. I hope you have friends and family you can surround yourself with. People other than your children? Draw strength from them. Stop beating yourself up.
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) not much to update i guess. H. i have finally come to grips that our marriage is over. i can try and try and try but i think ive done too much damage. we are proceeding with the divorce. i am keeping my distance after he has obviously had issues dealing with the pain ive caused him. im not giving him room for the absusive comments. im not chasing him. things have settled and we are civil. but we will probably end up divorced. im ok with it. MM. still havent replied to his email. i guess hes getting divorced as well. only time will tell. me. im maintaining. its hard to be a single mom. im grieving my marriage, what ive done to my kids, my H and also my MM. and so i just am trying to get through the days. i doubt i'll ever see happiness again. im sad and heartbroken. i havent been tempted to respond to MM. so nothing major to report except for now i'm a single mom struggling to make ends meet and do right by my children. as all others have said. never, never get involved in an affair. it is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. mybrowneyedgirl , if u believe that u tried ur best to work out ur marriage and now its ur husband who doesn't want to try , it is ok . If u know in ur heart that u made genuine effort ( i hope it was )then u need to have some peace , because u made a mistake but u have regretted it too . btw i dont understand what u mean by " ... what u have done to ur MM... ? Best of luck Edited March 11, 2010 by bestplayer
jennie-jennie Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 mybrowneyedgirl , if u believe that u tried ur best to work out ur marriage and now its ur husband who doesn't want to try , it is ok . If u know in ur heart that u made genuine effort ( i hope it was )then u need to have some peace , because u made a mistake but u have regretted it too . btw i dont understand what u mean by " ... what u have done to ur MM... ? Best of luck May I ask you again to write out "you" and "your"? It really is difficult for me as someone who does not have English as her first language, to get a sense of your posts.
OWoman Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 MBEG, it doesn't sound as if either R (with xMM or BH) is doing you much good of late, so taking a break to focus on YOU and your kids seems to me to be a good move. I'm glad you're setting boundaries with both of them - if you take back either of them, it should be on terms that suit BOTH of you, not terms that they dictate, which leave you in a weak position. Otherwise you'd be better off alone (or, down the track, with someone else). Single parenting is hard initially, but long-term it's easier than joint parenting. You form stronger Rs with your kids, you don't have the confusion and conflicting messages of two parents pushing and pulling, you can set the parameters of how things are in YOUR place, and who cares if your H has a different set of rules or guidelines in his... and you don't have to worry about the negative stuff they're picking up from watching him abuse you, or you grovelling around him, or any other negative R dynamics. I wouldn't worry about how you "damaged" either your H or your MM - they're adults, they must take responsibility for their own choices and their own healing, just as you must for yours. But what you can be proud of is stopping the damage to your kids by not having them exposed to the toxic behaviour of either your H or your MM. Happiness will return when you're ready for it. But first you need to heal, and to forgive yourself.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Though the ending of a marriage is hard, harder for some, it isn't the end of you. It is the end of the marriage. If the choices you have made have caused you pain and grief, which you recognize, now is the opportunity to rise from the ashes so to speak. Where do you want to go from here? What steps will you need to take to get there? Where do you see yourself in a month? six months? a year? What do you like about yourself? What don't you like? What things and people help me be a better person? What things and people hold me back from being that person? It is evaluation time. IT IS PAINFUL:(, if you are honest with yourself. But with the pain there is an unbelievable freedom. There is something about dropping off all the dead weight. You become lighter in your thinking, your actions and your view of the world and yourself. This IMO is where your happiness will return. You will wake up one morning and realize you are progressing and that you like who you are and where you are headed. Just as with Stampy, there will be days when the memories will overwhelm and the misery will appear. But don't let it stay. Invite it in for a brief second and then say, "Get the hell out of here!" You can't let it stay for any length of time. There is nothing wrong with reflection, it is only wrong when the reflection turns into a long swim in the pity pool. You will recover, your children will adjust and become content and happy again. You have your work cut out for you, and you will want to say f-this.....don't! I survived, prospered even. My children are better than I could have hoped for. The grace of God is immeasurable.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Though the ending of a marriage is hard, There is something about dropping off all the dead weight. You become lighter in your thinking, your actions and your view of the world and yourself. ---------------- I agree ..
Heather1 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I'm glad you're getting a break from both men. You're stronger than you think you are, and I agree w/ OW that these men have to be responsible for their own behaviour as well. You're carrying the weight of 3, possibly 4 people...& your kids!! Do you think it's better for your kids to see you unhappy w/ your H for life? Or is this a chance for your kids to finally see the "real" you? I'm still w/ my H, but I wonder about the example I'm showing my kids being unhappy all the time w/ their dad & just staying cuz I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel like I'm showing them to hang in there no matter what kind of relationship it is. Mine isn't abuse (except my in-laws), but it's for sure a lonely life. You hang in there....you're going to rise from the ashes MBEG!!!
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 May I ask you again to write out "you" and "your"? It really is difficult for me as someone who does not have English as her first language, to get a sense of your posts. sure jennie-jennie , I will do that for you. btw it was the first time you asked me about this .
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Though the ending of a marriage is hard, harder for some, it isn't the end of you. It is the end of the marriage. If the choices you have made have caused you pain and grief, which you recognize, now is the opportunity to rise from the ashes so to speak. Where do you want to go from here? What steps will you need to take to get there? Where do you see yourself in a month? six months? a year? What do you like about yourself? What don't you like? What things and people help me be a better person? What things and people hold me back from being that person? It is evaluation time. IT IS PAINFUL:(, if you are honest with yourself. But with the pain there is an unbelievable freedom. There is something about dropping off all the dead weight. You become lighter in your thinking, your actions and your view of the world and yourself. This IMO is where your happiness will return. You will wake up one morning and realize you are progressing and that you like who you are and where you are headed. Just as with Stampy, there will be days when the memories will overwhelm and the misery will appear. But don't let it stay. Invite it in for a brief second and then say, "Get the hell out of here!" You can't let it stay for any length of time. There is nothing wrong with reflection, it is only wrong when the reflection turns into a long swim in the pity pool. You will recover, your children will adjust and become content and happy again. You have your work cut out for you, and you will want to say f-this.....don't! I survived, prospered even. My children are better than I could have hoped for. The grace of God is immeasurable. That's great advice.
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Definitely good for him.. and the people who are preaching about her H is abusive....tell me how would you feel/react when your SO had an affair for 3 years and still pining for AP....what would you do....i would say any normal man with 3 digit IQ would react like her H and even more ballistic(least expected).... ironically none of you said she is abusive towards her H when she was in affair.... mbeg, i can't really say what you can do ...but concentrate on your job...best of luck scorp , I think this time she was really trying to work it out with her husband , but unfortunately it seems her husband is too angry , or may be he thinks that mbeg still hasn't shown the sincerity that he expects from her . mbeg , it is really a tough situation but try your best before u give up. Best of luck
Heather1 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Scorp.....did you know you're logged on to the OW site & that we're all in different stages of our A? Just wondering cuz you seem appalled. I have my own money... MBEG, hang in there. I really think you'll be the one who comes out alright
Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Definitely good for him.. and the people who are preaching about her H is abusive....tell me how would you feel/react when your SO had an affair for 3 years and still pining for AP....what would you do....i would say any normal man with 3 digit IQ would react like her H and even more ballistic(least expected).... ironically none of you said she is abusive towards her H when she was in affair.... mbeg, i can't really say what you can do ...but concentrate on your job...best of luck You obviously haven't done your homework on this, as if you had, you would realize that that topic has been beaten more than any dead horse on LS.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 scorp , I think this time she was really trying to work it out with her husband , but unfortunately it seems her husband is too angry , or may be he thinks that mbeg still hasn't shown the sincerity that he expects from her . He was trying and they were doing counselling.. Time and time again MBEG and her exMM kept breaking NC, and she was focussed more on exMM than fixing her marriage. To be honest, it just sounds like he got totally fed up and pissed off. I know it's been really hellish on you MBEG, and you don't deserve abuse from your H. He did give you so many chances though, and yes, it's wrong he's treated you poorly, name called and all, so it probably is best to divorce as soon as possible, get everyone into family counselling so you and your H can learn how to co-parent together, but apart. This IS going to be a hard transition for your kids..
Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 my post was for the people who said her H is abusive(which includes you)....i hope this time i got it right I am not sure that i ever posted that her H is abusive, though quite possibly i did, as I believe his name calling is exactly that. However i have also told MBEG that what she has done to her husband was also abusive.. and I have urged her more than once to let him go.. perhaps doing your research would be a wise step towards not needing another account..
donnamaybe Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 i have yet to see a person who will approach situation like this with out anger/profanity....which i consider more than normal.... do you think he should use pet names when he is interacting with her(classic) Okay, but there's a difference between just having an "attitude" and literally being verbally abusive. When I was going through my divorce, my ex would come home and, in full view of our 5 year old son, would literally stand over me as I sat on the couch and scream verbal abuse at me. He was having a REALLY hard time with the fact that he couldn't control me. I ended up buying ear plugs just so I could come home at night, and then worked with the process server to get him served so I could get him the hell out of my house ASAP.
Heather1 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I'm guessing you're a male BS by you're replies. So stay home Mom's are spending their H's money? Interesting. How about stay home Mom's are so friggin lonely & isolated & doing free slave labor (nurse/lawyer/dr/housekeeper/hooker) & are just sitting ducks for someone to see them for who they are & appreciate them? and unfortunately, that's not the answer. So yeah, it's OUR money....but I also inherited money before we were married. You should probably study up on why A's happen in the first place & maybe that will help you forgive, or at least understand, whatever happened to you.
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Okay, but there's a difference between just having an "attitude" and literally being verbally abusive. When I was going through my divorce, my ex would come home and, in full view of our 5 year old son, would literally stand over me as I sat on the couch and scream verbal abuse at me. He was having a REALLY hard time with the fact that he couldn't control me. I ended up buying ear plugs just so I could come home at night, and then worked with the process server to get him served so I could get him the hell out of my house ASAP. Wow I think this would drive a person insane. Thank god you got him out. There is no excuse to do something like that especially in front of a young child. Most abusers do have control issues. I had an ex that was verbally, mentally, physically, you name it...they deserve to be kicked to the curb...see ya.
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 come on you are stay at home mom for how many years????...are you living on your money or H's money...???? Just wow. According to salary.com for the year 2009: "This year, a stay-at-home mom performing the 10 most popular "mom-job functions" does the work equivalent of a $122,732 salary, up 5 percent over last year's calculations. A mom who works outside the home 40 hours a week does work that equates to an annual cash compensation of $76,184, an 11 percent increase. A lucrative second job--if that second shift were actually a paid gig."
jennie-jennie Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 sure jennie-jennie , I will do that for you. btw it was the first time you asked me about this . Thank you! That is really nice of you! I sent you a PM a while ago. Perhaps it got lost on the way? :bunny:
califnan Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 which thread i am in doesn't change my come on you are stay at home mom for how many years????...are you living on your money or H's money...???? I must comment on this.. I was a stay at home mother for about 18 years.. Maintained a nice size home incl the pool and was a great cook.. Raised just two children .. It Was A Life Of Riley compared to holding down a job. Have worked now for 23 years .. It is a grind and a burdensome responsibility - compared to being a "housewife" ... No comparison .. Furthermore, your home jobs are still waiting there when you return home ..
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