paperchase Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Ok quick background... Dated for a year, got dumped about a year ago. Issues were age difference, and the fact that I'm divorced with two kids. Begged, cried, etc. Got caught so off guard. Eventually went NC and moved on. She came back in 3 months and begged to a second chance. We went to counseling discussed issues, fell back "in love" but didn't really resolve things. (one of the issues was that she didn't include me in her social circles and that hasn't changed. makes me feel marginalized) A year later (today) she's dumping me again...kinda of. She's pulling away, has said things about dating other people, being single, growing apart, needing space, etc. I took it like a man this time and told her it wasn't what I wanted but ok. She sort of changed her tune and said maybe she was being hasty and so we are "technically" together but things have clearly changed. We now see each other about 3 out of 7 days when we practically lived together. We still have sex and hang out but things are tenuous at best. So, the question is what to do? I have not pressured her and have allowed her to have her space. I haven't tried to have any heavy conversations. We had one mini argument the other day when I picked her up to spend the night. She said take me home; I was like "ok"; then she said she didn't want to argue. I said me neither and so we would up spending the night together. But that short fuse is a sign of her not wanting to work through disputes...a sign I think that she certainly has no trouble walking away. So I want to offer a counseling session with the therapist we saw a year ago. Is this a good idea? I don't want to pressure her and I'd hate for her to say no. My posture is that I want us to work but if not then so be it. I simply refuse to grovel and cry like I did the last time. I honestly have a feeling this is just one of those relationships that has run its course where both people love the other but know in their heart that it's not viable long term. But when it's good we have so much chemistry. Alas, the more things change the more they stay the same. One of my other fears is that we see the therapist and that is the straw the leads her to say it's truly over. That might not be a bad thing though. Some veteran advice is needed.
northstar1 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 That's a tough one. If you suggest it, do you think she'll want to put in the effort? From what I've seen of your story, she doesn't seem to have the same committment to a long term relationship that you do. If you both want different things, then ultimlately therapy isn't going to work.
Author paperchase Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 yeah you're probably right. we don't want the same things. she loves me to death but wants to find someone with my qualities that fits in her social circle. she won't say it, but I can feel it. she keeps coming back to me but it's almost against her will. she says stuff like I tried to get over you but i can't. I've never loved anyone like this. so she's pulling away again and really wants to move on but is struggling a bit. therapy might just confirm this.
Woggle Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I say you let her go and move on with your life. she will do nothing but suck the life out of you.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 one of the issues was that she didn't include me in her social circles and that hasn't changed. makes me feel marginalized WTF is this? If it is what I'm smelling it to be, the chipping lead paint on my back door would be firmly planted in her azz. Reading the rest of your post, to me, you sound like a placeholder until the next better thing comes along. Hang out and have sex? I mean that's fine if you're FWB and have no emotional interest in each other but it sure doesn't seem like that's the case, emphasis on *seem*. Perhaps, if you like therapy, get some IC, erect some boundaries and move those little doggies along
mella Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Therapy isn't a magic cure-all. She seems to have you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. If I were you I'd get off the ride and realize that she has issues that are hers and hers alone outside of the relationship. She is not treating you with respect, and doesn't sound like she even knows what she wants. The trust is being broken over and over and you can't possibly feel secure with her. I think you deserve better treatment and a stable partner. Good luck.
name witheld Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 no, you only dated a year and it should be enough time now to move on. Like nike says...
Author paperchase Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 no, you only dated a year and it should be enough time now to move on. Like nike says... Just to be clear, we've dated a little shy of 2.5 years but were broken up for about 2 months of that time which further underscores your point.
Author paperchase Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Therapy isn't a magic cure-all. She seems to have you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. If I were you I'd get off the ride and realize that she has issues that are hers and hers alone outside of the relationship. She is not treating you with respect, and doesn't sound like she even knows what she wants. The trust is being broken over and over and you can't possibly feel secure with her. I think you deserve better treatment and a stable partner. Good luck. I definitely don't feel secure at the moment. Our relationship is rocky and she has said enough to give me pause. And this has been a roller coaster ride. I mean the highs have been high and the lows have been low and it's rarely been a stroll in the park. I know therapy isn't a cure-all. I did it for years with my ex-wife and it worked until we stopped going. It was really the only place we could effectively communicate. I think it good for that and it's good at helping the parties identify if the relationship is worth salvaging. At times I felt it was a way of prolonging the inevitable. Anyway, I do deserve better but as many on this forum know the heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Anyway, given all the signs I have begun to get out and flirt/talk to other women. I don't want to be left out in the cold clutching my pearls like I was the last time. I'm not doing anything physical because we are still "technically" a couple. Last night I was basically telling her that she's right and to go and date other people and experience life and she kept saying no, no, just forget I said we should break up and how much she loves me. She was telling me how none of her friends are in our corner and how hard it is to tell them about the things we do and places we go because they figuratively/literally roll their eyes.
Author paperchase Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 WTF is this? If it is what I'm smelling it to be, the chipping lead paint on my back door would be firmly planted in her azz. Reading the rest of your post, to me, you sound like a placeholder until the next better thing comes along. Hang out and have sex? I mean that's fine if you're FWB and have no emotional interest in each other but it sure doesn't seem like that's the case, emphasis on *seem*. Perhaps, if you like therapy, get some IC, erect some boundaries and move those little doggies along Hey, I've always respected your veteran tough love on here. I do feel like a placeholder until the next better thing comes along, but at the same time I don't think the next better thing will come along. I just don't think she fully knows or has accepted this. She told me a while back that the reason she though I was "the one" was because for the first time in her life she stopped searching for a replacement. I found that both curious and foreboding. Anyway, I believe her age/immaturity, need for excitement or whatever you want to call it makes it difficult for her to find long term contentment and to distinguish between love and infatuation and to recognize when the grass is not greener. At the same time, I don't really want to bear the weight of these shortcomings.
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