Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 TG - "the right thing to do is rarely the easiest thing to do and what feels the best." So right on this. The affair has been over (physically) since last fall and verbally for over a month. I do want things to be right with my husband and have committed to working very hard on my part to see that happens. It does not involve confessing at this point though many of you think that is the only way to go. Again, I appreciate what you are warning me of and coaching me on but I have to do what I feel is right for us. End of story for now on that. I will be happy to let you all say "I told you so" should I come back with my tail between my legs sobbing because the story went the other way. I pray that does not happen. Thank you for your thought-provoking feedback, please know that I take it to heart and process through it each and every day.
lkjh Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Stone, This is gonna sound mean but can you stop lying. You don't want to do things right and you are not looking out for your H. Your actions don't go with this. You are not looking for the right time to be honest and what not, you are doing everything to benefit you and only you. You will never confess because you are your #1 priority. Im not trying to be cruel but Im simply saying it how it is. Have you not noticed that the only people who you agree with(and the only advice you follow) are those that have done the same thing as you and are still trying to "fix" it. You should learn from their mistakes, not repeat them. Its pretty simple(even though a few will say its not) if you can't respect your H as a person, man, and husband by being honest with him then divorce him. Why are you so willing to be cruel to him but not accept any responsibility for yourself. Simply saying you except some is not the same as actually doing it. Its your actions that count not your thoughts.
lkjh Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Also, don't be so sure you that you covered everything up. Its amazing how these things come out
seren Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Just a Stone's Throw - As a BS I would have rather think H had decided to work with me to repair our marriage WITHOUT knowing about the A. I think that if you are committed to working it out with your H and getting your marriage back on track, then only you know what it can stand and only you know how disclosure will impact upon your H and marriage. It might be you will never have the excitement of the A, but it can still be good, just hope it is good enough for you and you don't do it again. No one know the dynamics in another's relationship, I would imagine it is difficult to carry such a secret and can understand the people who say tell, but for me, I would rather be where we are without the knowledge of the A. Burying my head in the sand? maybe, but I know what would work better for me, as do you.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Just a Stone's Throw - As a BS I would have rather think H had decided to work with me to repair our marriage WITHOUT knowing about the A. I think that if you are committed to working it out with your H and getting your marriage back on track, then only you know what it can stand and only you know how disclosure will impact upon your H and marriage. It might be you will never have the excitement of the A, but it can still be good, just hope it is good enough for you and you don't do it again. No one know the dynamics in another's relationship, I would imagine it is difficult to carry such a secret and can understand the people who say tell, but for me, I would rather be where we are without the knowledge of the A. Burying my head in the sand? maybe, but I know what would work better for me, as do you. Seren, I so appreciate your POV as a BS. I have been married to my H for over 20 years and I do know him well. It is just the two of us and we have lived in other places of the country away from family and have been through some incredible stressors in our lives so have relied heavily on each other for support in times of need. I do have to trust that I know what he would and wouldn't want to know and yes, I am carrying the burden for us because I have to. I feel in some ways it is my responsibility to do that and I know it's not a level playing field I expecting our marriage to continue on. Also, that I am not willing to go down the path of another A ever again. I do know that it affects me deeply as he is deeply in love with me and my ability to accept that in my heart is always tethered by the thoughts of "if you only knew you would feel so differently" - so I have trouble fully accepting that love.
seren Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Someone said that the key to making it all work after an A is for the WS to forgive themselves, me and H have been together over 20 years too and I see him tie himself in knots each and every day because he hasn't forgiven himself, it is a terrible thing to see. I once asked him if he would want to know if I had been the one to have an A and his answer was a very emphatic NO! Which is what I knew he would say, I always thought I would want to know, but now that I do, I am sure that ignorance is sometimes, if not bliss, then easier on the heart. Each to their own. This jars with my belief in honesty and if I had an A I am not sure I could stay quiet, but that is me, my view, my world.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Oh, I know I'm a far cry from forgiving myself! But I see your point. It is something I have to work toward but I have to know that I have totally invested myself in the M and to my husband and have done what I can to stay "clean". Then we'll talk forgiveness..... maybe.... I'm also not beating myself up about it every day. Accepting responsibility for one's actions and forgiving yourself for hurting other's terribly and potentially f***ing up your marriage are different things altogether. Look, I've made some really big errors in my life outside of this, some I've disclosed and some not and good things have come of them. The biggest one I have been honest with my husband about since day one and he has not been really mature about it though he accepts it. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say I am working on many years of knowing my husband and what I can see he's emotionally capable of handling.
confusedinkansas Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 there is a reason why people call once cheater is always a cheater.... This quote here is tossed around in this forum as if people believe it is 100% true - 100% of the time. For the record...IT IS NOT. It doesn't apply to me & I have a feeling that it doesn't apply to StonesThrow either....& MANY MANY others. StonesThrow - it seems to me as if (& I have seen this behavior more times than not on this website) The BSs here are trying to bully you into confessing. I for one hope it doesn't work. I think that if someone chooses to tell, then they should tell. If they choose not to tell - well then, that's a decision they have to live with. Being married for almost 30 years myself, (& in a marriage that has been to hell & back) I for one believe that infidelity is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Contrary to what seems to be the popular belief. StonesThrow...I know you'll do what's best in your situation. Other than this specific issue...Which has totally gotten your thread off track, How's it goin' otherwise? With the marriage & "Trying to get over the affair?"
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 This quote here is tossed around in this forum as if people believe it is 100% true - 100% of the time. For the record...IT IS NOT. It doesn't apply to me & I have a feeling that it doesn't apply to StonesThrow either....& MANY MANY others. StonesThrow - it seems to me as if (& I have seen this behavior more times than not on this website) The BSs here are trying to bully you into confessing. I for one hope it doesn't work. I think that if someone chooses to tell, then they should tell. If they choose not to tell - well then, that's a decision they have to live with. Being married for almost 30 years myself, (& in a marriage that has been to hell & back) I for one believe that infidelity is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Contrary to what seems to be the popular belief. StonesThrow...I know you'll do what's best in your situation. Other than this specific issue...Which has totally gotten your thread off track, How's it goin' otherwise? With the marriage & "Trying to get over the affair?" CIK - Thank you so much. I am frustrated by the badgering and have chosen not to respond to those that have stated and restated their points for which I have addressed my choice of actions and reasoning at this point. I have said, it is what it is and have considered asking the Mods to lock the thread though I am still hopeful that interraction with those who have something constructive to say/exchange will still have benefit. I think there has been a lot of good interraction here. I am doing good this week. We are doing good. When I think about exMM (which is getting to be a little less and in less of a "I miss talking with him" manner, I am either calling or emailing my husband and chatting with him. I know these are small things but I am moving in the right direction. I will not likely have to see exMM for a couple months possibly at a conference. I will need to prepare for how I handle that. Thank you again for asking and supporting.
ladydesigner Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I think if a M is making forward movement then that is great news. Mine is as well and as much bullying that has gone on in this thread, and even to me in general, I will not let it influence the decision that I am already set with. My decision is to 100% to not disclose and that only applies to my situation. I have forgiven my H for his A and I have forgiven myself. Case closed:D It sounds like you are doing wonderfully Stone's Throw, keep up the forward and onward way of thinking!!!
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 I think if a M is making forward movement then that is great news. Mine is as well and as much bullying that has gone on in this thread, and even to me in general, I will not let it influence the decision that I am already set with. My decision is to 100% to not disclose and that only applies to my situation. I have forgiven my H for his A and I have forgiven myself. Case closed:D It sounds like you are doing wonderfully Stone's Throw, keep up the forward and onward way of thinking!!! Thanks, LD!! Same to you!!!
Owl Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 StonesThrow - it seems to me as if (& I have seen this behavior more times than not on this website) The BSs here are trying to bully you into confessing. I for one hope it doesn't work. I think that if someone chooses to tell, then they should tell. If they choose not to tell - well then, that's a decision they have to live with Interesting to see that you note it's "the BS's here" that are "bullying to tell". Why do you think that is? Do you think that what the BS's are wanting to happen here is for Stone's marriage to fail? Or do you think that perhaps....just perhaps...that the BS's pushing Stone to tell are doing so because they believe that it's the best thing, and the right thing...for her marriage and for her husband as well as herself? After all...they ARE the ones who have been in her H's position...they're the ones who can relate to that unseen side of her equation far more than you can. I wouldn't call it bullying...I would consider that they're making strong recommendations based off their EXPERIENCE. Bullying implies a level of malevolence and harmful intent...which I don't believe is there in most of these posts, to include mine. Being married for almost 30 years myself, (& in a marriage that has been to hell & back) I for one believe that infidelity is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Contrary to what seems to be the popular belief. CIK...I can see why it would be easy for you to believe this...from your viewpoint of the triangle. Clearly the BS's that you're commenting about here don't share that viewpoint...for them, it WAS the worst thing that has happened to them in their marriage. It certainly was in mine...and interestingly enough, my wife seems to share this opinion. Stone- I understand that you're very reluctant to tell. Don't take me wrong. And there may be mitigating circumstances in your situation that I don't see which makes telling a 'death sentence' for your marriage if it were to occur. But on the subject of forgiveness...how can you truly forgive yourself if you've never been forgiven by the person you harmed? If they've never had the chance to forgive you? Just my thoughts as one of those horrible, bullying BSs. But please realize that I'm one of those BS's in a very happily recovered marriage as well. My advice and viewpoints aren't based in bitterness or anger...they're based in the experience I had in going through this and rebuilding my marriage afterwards. I wish you well.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 Owl, I feel honored to receive your post as I can tell from other's posts that you're an esteemed LS contributor. I do appreciate your POV and will digest your words of wisdom. You are right about the forgiveness thing, I don't see how that can be an option without him forgiving me. So perhaps I will have to live with not forgiving myself. So good for you and your wife to be at that point in your relationship where you have experienced healing and forgiveness. I do not know your full story so forgive me, just a few posts that I've read. Your points are well-taken and appreciated.
experienced57 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 Just a stones throw.. I just joined this forum so I could say something to you and the others.. I have some experience with an affair.. that started out to be something simple and physical and ended up being more.. We sometimes make decisions in life that aren't always the best choice. We then pretend to be happy and try to make the best of the situation. We do this mainly because society dictates that we do.. or we dont want to admit to making the wrong choice. I have been married for many years. 32+ years. I have been relatively happy and I love my wife. But there are things that I have been missing in my life. Things which I know I wasnt going to find along the same path. So I strayed from the path.. I found someone on Craigslist that had a mutual want and need. Anyway.. We hit it off as friends.. then lovers.. We still are friend and lovers. It's too late to change my life, I know that. I also dont want to hurt my family as there are deep roots after so many years. We have children and even grandchildren! (I dont look or act my age). What I found were things I have been missing all these years.. things I know I could never have and thought would never have.. heck.. I found feelings I never knew existed! Yet I wouldnt do anything to hurt my family or her family. So we go about our normal lives and enjoy a secret life when we can.. Never hurting anyone or society. Life is short, I know my time for being desirable and a capable lover is limited. I found someone I love and enjoy, who makes me feel whole. I learned that I am capable of loving more than one person. We are both fulfilled with wonderful new feelings and lust. We still love our respective families and go about our normal lives. Yet we enjoy so much together and do love each other. So why is that so terrible. Dont feel bad about what you did. Nobody should judge you.. They dont know how you feel or what you need. Share your info.. but dont expect any forgiveness. Follow your heart.. dont miss the best things in life because of some mistake or pride. There are ways to do things harmoniously and with care. Think outside the box.. but most of all.. Think.. CIK - Thank you so much. I am frustrated by the badgering and have chosen not to respond to those that have stated and restated their points for which I have addressed my choice of actions and reasoning at this point. I have said, it is what it is and have considered asking the Mods to lock the thread though I am still hopeful that interraction with those who have something constructive to say/exchange will still have benefit. I think there has been a lot of good interraction here. I am doing good this week. We are doing good. When I think about exMM (which is getting to be a little less and in less of a "I miss talking with him" manner, I am either calling or emailing my husband and chatting with him. I know these are small things but I am moving in the right direction. I will not likely have to see exMM for a couple months possibly at a conference. I will need to prepare for how I handle that. Thank you again for asking and supporting.
lkjh Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 This quote here is tossed around in this forum as if people believe it is 100% true - 100% of the time. For the record...IT IS NOT. It doesn't apply to me & I have a feeling that it doesn't apply to StonesThrow either....& MANY MANY others. StonesThrow - it seems to me as if (& I have seen this behavior more times than not on this website) The BSs here are trying to bully you into confessing. I for one hope it doesn't work. I think that if someone chooses to tell, then they should tell. If they choose not to tell - well then, that's a decision they have to live with. Being married for almost 30 years myself, (& in a marriage that has been to hell & back) I for one believe that infidelity is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Contrary to what seems to be the popular belief. StonesThrow...I know you'll do what's best in your situation. Other than this specific issue...Which has totally gotten your thread off track, How's it goin' otherwise? With the marriage & "Trying to get over the affair?" Have you noticed that you constantly shoot down others advice because its "not correct 100% all of the time", but come up with advice that is correct almost never. I have yet to see someone right about how lying has pulled them out of their slumps You are a cheater so of course you don't think infidelity is bad. You were a OW so obviously you are going to feel sympathy for stone and try an defend her actions. But all of you advice is based scenarios that work less than 5% of the time. When they do work it puts the operator through hell. Stone, since you have been here all you do is listen to the people that agree with you. Honestly sit back and ask yourself if that strikes you as even remotely intelligent. Literally you have been assembled yourself into a group of people that have all made the same mistake, all tried the same cover up, and all got the same negative results and yet you continue. If you dont want to change thats fine. But stop pretending like you are some poor victim trying to get your marriage corrected. All you are doing is trying to cover up your infidelity.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 For the record, I am not portraying myself as a victim. I made the mistake of saying in my OP that I "allowed myself to be lured into an affair with a MM". I mis-spoke. I think I cleared that up later that it was a conscious decision to cheat. I do not feel like I was victimized by him, I felt he was very charming and he came into my life at a low point when I thought I needed something different. But I made that decision, no one else. I have always stated that I accept the responsibility for my actions. If I choose not to respond to those who post in a degrading language or I feel are being nastier than necessary, I will not respond to them. Simple as that. I am not a victim to them either, they have their opinions, I still read them, I just choose to not perpetuate an arguement with them when I have already stated my position. It seems futile. I get it that people are very passionate on both sides of the equation. And if stated in a constructive manner, I have responded to most. My life has not been conventional, for the most part. I have chosen a different path on many occaisions though I may seem like a pretty mainstream person on the outside. I do have a great deal of inner strength and though this episode has thrown me for a loop, I will learn and grow from it too. Perhaps in the end, my marriage will end or it will end up being stronger and last our entire lifetime. I don't know but I'm going to do what I feel is in my control right now to make a go of it. E57 - thanks for your post - I am thinking... a lot. I'm not just going through the motions. I appreciate your perspective and the out-of-the box suggestion. As I've said, convention hasn't been my strong suite through my whole life. Why should I start now? (that was a rhetorical question - I know what most of you will say!!)
confusedinkansas Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 You are a cheater so of course you don't think infidelity is bad. You were a OW so obviously you are going to feel sympathy for stone and try an defend her actions. But all of you advice is based scenarios that work less than 5% of the time. When they do work it puts the operator through hell. I didn't say that infidelity isn't bad. I said that "It isn't the worst thing that can happen to a marriage"........Of course it's bad. It's bad all the way around, no matter how you look at it. Affairs, at the time & prior to....for some of us....seem to be an answer. An answer to a problem. We don't go around & take a poll to see if it's a good idea or a bad idea. We just DO IT. When people are in the middle of a crisis, they don't ALWAYS take the time to think before they act. It's not until after the fact, after it's over or smack dab in the middle - THEN we realize, Wow, this was a stupid idea. What was I thinking.....(that's kind of my scenario - I'm sure I'm not alone) Of course I'm going to take the side of the cheater. Only because I can relate to that. I know how they feel. As for the 5% / 100% /95% - whatever percentage of the time.....How do we REALLY know any of the percentages (Myself included) are true? People lie about affairs! The reason that I say BS's are doing the bullying...is because "Most" of the time it is. Yes, they are the ones that are in the same situations as Stone's husband. They relate....They want to know the truth. Truth - Most of the time - is the right decision. But it doesn't work all the time in everyone's situation. That's all I'm saying. It's all I've ever said.
Owl Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 The reason that I say BS's are doing the bullying...is because "Most" of the time it is. Yes, they are the ones that are in the same situations as Stone's husband. They relate....They want to know the truth. Truth - Most of the time - is the right decision. But it doesn't work all the time in everyone's situation. That's all I'm saying. It's all I've ever said. Well, clearly we don't agree. In fact, I can't think of a single time you've ever actually agreed that someone should tell the truth. Every time someone has come here with the slightest desire not to tell the truth, you've reinforced that choice regardless of the situation. And why does the fact that they are BS's (and can therefore relate to her BH) negate the value of their recommendation that she tell the truth to her H? Just because it comes from the BS doesn't mean that their advice isn't valid, or doesn't make sense to consider. IMHO, it's quite the opposite...they're providing an insight that the WS is typically lacking or not willing to truly consider. And I think you're confusing "bullying" with "not backing down" on their viewpoint and advice. Yes, there are some harsh posters here on LS that attack the person...but there are a larger number that post honest advice here that are equally as unwilling to compromise on their advice (because they feel it's right) as you are. Just a stone- There's no reason to 'feel honored' that I posted to your thread...nothing all that special about my advice vs. anyone else's on this site. But I'm glad that you're considering my advice and think that it might have some relevence and usefulness.
Owl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Stone- I'm curious if you've given any more thought to telling your H over the weekend? Or do you believe that things will heal as they are now?
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Well, clearly we don't agree. In fact, I can't think of a single time you've ever actually agreed that someone should tell the truth. Every time someone has come here with the slightest desire not to tell the truth, you've reinforced that choice regardless of the situation. And why does the fact that they are BS's (and can therefore relate to her BH) negate the value of their recommendation that she tell the truth to her H? Just because it comes from the BS doesn't mean that their advice isn't valid, or doesn't make sense to consider. IMHO, it's quite the opposite...they're providing an insight that the WS is typically lacking or not willing to truly consider. And I think you're confusing "bullying" with "not backing down" on their viewpoint and advice. Yes, there are some harsh posters here on LS that attack the person...but there are a larger number that post honest advice here that are equally as unwilling to compromise on their advice (because they feel it's right) as you are. Just a stone- There's no reason to 'feel honored' that I posted to your thread...nothing all that special about my advice vs. anyone else's on this site. But I'm glad that you're considering my advice and think that it might have some relevence and usefulness. fBs here...and I agree with OWL. I too am succesfully reconciled with my WS, and I would always advise honesty as the tru path to healing and forgiveness. Why? Because the keeping of secrets, or even one secret, destroys intimacy in a marriage in my opinion. It is too much work, and the constant working at keeping the secret causes emotional distancing from your spouse. So, if you want a marriage that exists like a "partnership" with shared responsibilities, well ok then. But if you crave true intimacy with your spouse and an opportunity to build a better relationship than there can not be any more secrets, whether it be about the affair, your feelings, his feelings, etc.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Stone- I'm curious if you've given any more thought to telling your H over the weekend? Or do you believe that things will heal as they are now? Owl, I think about it all the time. Just not there yet. I have played out a gazillion scenarios in my head.
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Stones, I truly hope that at some point, you will have the maturity and self-esteem to make an honest, clean break from the deceit and drama of your past. I wish you well and also would hope that you have never taken my words as a personal attack, but as an extra word of warning and concern. I ended my affair and did it the honest way and you can too. Good luck to you.:)
2sunny Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Owl' date=' I think about it all the time. Just not there yet. I have played out a gazillion scenarios in my head.[/quote'] do you see how much time and negative energy it takes up in your head? that is the key in being honest... there is no longer the need to have that huge negative barrier onto which grips at every thought - every emotion. to clear the mind and make space for only positive, productive thoughts and actions is priceless. it takes such little energy to keep the mind clear of clutter and negativity.
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