Trying to get over an affair

[califnan]

BTW, In answer to your previous questions, I forced D-Day for two reasons, 1) to end the affair 2) to force her to choose. She would NEVER have either ended her marriage, nor would she ever have ended the affair. She had the best of both worlds, passion and love with me, wealth and power with her husband, so why should she choose? In the end, I finally realized how little respect or integrity she actually had. ALL of this I told her husband when we finally met. She chose wealth and power and I'm not surprised. I knew who she would choose, because I knew her. My guilt is my business. I owed her husband nothing but honesty, which he would never have gotten from his wife. That is all I gave him.

 

Joe, I forgot .. are they still together ..

[JustJoe]

Ms. Sam, If you would have read my post, completely, you would have found the passage, that I already knew what her choice would be. As far as anger, nothing could be further from the truth. I long for her each day, her smile, her eyes, looking at me with love and desire are in my sleep. I never wanted it to end, the way it did, I only wanted to love her. As far as your sarcastic remarks about my honesty, who is more honest now? Me or you? Answer that if you honestly can.............Califnan, They are back together, and going on a trip to the Islands, to "re-connect". I truly wish them both well. But she called me last week and told me she would love me forever. I never answered.

[JustJoe]

BTW, I own my choices, I have no excuses, and I made my apologies. No more lies and betrayals for Joe.

[lkjh]

Look if you really cant respect him enough to be honest then at least divorce him so he can find someone who can show him the love/respect he deserves as a human

 

This is his life to, not just yours. Please think from his perspective. You are making decisions that benefit you and only you. None of us can force you to do anything. You will do whatever you want and that is your right but please keep him in mind when making the decisions.

 

Not telling him is purely selfish

[lkjh]

Also, please realize that your affair is not over. In the future when he gets horny again he will contact you. Save you H some time and take care of this now

[JustJoe]

Wow, some interesting posts today. Thank you all. It is a new day and I am sorry, scorp but I believe you are wrong in the sense that I may not have ended things but I am greatful to OM for ending it and asking for NC as that was what I needed to start me down the path of getting my M and my relationship with my H in order. With even minimal contact I would not have focused where I needed to focus. I do not harbor any ill will toward him for that decision in fact as one of the posters stated, be glad I didn't have to be the one. Even though the OM and myself have not been physically together for a few months we still kept written contact and that kept things going. It needed to stop.

 

I appreciate the information on holding back from telling my H the details of my A. I don't think at this time I can do that. I don't see it bringing about any good for him and I know there will be those that say he should get to make that decision. I see it playing out a lot as Samantha shared of her friend. I will have to see how it goes. I am not worrried about OMW knowing because he would not tell her.

 

I appreciate those that support telling the truth and maybe someday I will be able to "Man up" and get there.

Ms> Stones, I am in favor of disclosure, yes, but I am flexible as to when and under what circumstances, disclosure takes place. In my case, disclosure was needed to end the affair. In your case, I would counsel against immediate disclosure, until the dust settles, you have yourself back together, and NC has been in place for a while. THEN, go to your husband and tell him what happened, explain that you haven't had any contact with MM for x number of months, that you are committed to rebuilding your M, and you will do whatever it takes to earn back your husband's trust. Most men would at least be willing to listen, if they have assurances that the affair is well and truly over, and that there is absolutely no further contact. This scenerio, provides for time to re-connect, time to get over the MM, and proves both your honesty, and that your H is your first priority.

[bittersweet memories]

 

You know -- sometimes we think we're just bent and something is broken. It's probably the case for everyone here.

 

 

 

Samantha, speak for yourself...

Edited March 12, 2010 by bittersweet memories

[on1wheel]

You would probably find a more sympathetic ear in the "other man/woman" forum. Most of us here are the victim of people like yoy who only think of their own needs.

You should be ashamed, but aren't. That tells people more about you than you think.

I hope you find happiness, but have you ever thought of the pain that you will cause once caught? Since your H hasn't figured it out I can only assume he either was doing the same or simply doesn't care about you enough to care.

[bestplayer]

What a great gal she is. Regrets telling him so he could chose to stay with her, but not that she had an A. Sounds like she is a lovely person.

 

bentnotbroken , I too find it weird , if it she could go back , wouldn't she take back her infidelity rather than her decison to disclose it ?

[Samantha0905]

bentnotbroken , I too find it weird , if it she could go back , wouldn't she take back her infidelity rather than her decison to disclose it ?

 

She has said that also. She's not here to discuss it herself and none of you know her, so I'll leave it at that. She sure is a good person, however, and one of my best friends.

[Samantha0905]

Ms. Sam, If you would have read my post, completely, you would have found the passage, that I already knew what her choice would be. As far as anger, nothing could be further from the truth. I long for her each day, her smile, her eyes, looking at me with love and desire are in my sleep. I never wanted it to end, the way it did, I only wanted to love her. As far as your sarcastic remarks about my honesty, who is more honest now? Me or you? Answer that if you honestly can.............Califnan, They are back together, and going on a trip to the Islands, to "re-connect". I truly wish them both well. But she called me last week and told me she would love me forever. I never answered.

 

I'm sorry you had to lose her. I think in most instances, the affair person was someone we never should have had in our hearts I suppose. I don't see how telling her husband was your responsibility. But you did it and that's that. It's a decision you made and a risk she took when deciding to involve the hearts of two men in the situation.

 

It sounds to me like she's still unsure of her choice. Maybe it would have been best if you allowed her to make the choice -- perhaps by walking away and seeing what happened. I'm not suggesting you should have waited -- during that time you most certainly could and should have dated. But you "forced" something and I suppose it's playing out.

 

Anyway, telling my spouse or not telling is a decision I'm making. As I've said, I'm working on it and it may very well be I choose not to tell for the duration. Or, I may get caught after the fact. Or, my XAP may show up on the door step and tell my husband everything. I know everyone has an opinion about whether one should or should not tell. From what you've said, you prefer telling . I'm not on that wagon yet.

 

Hope all goes well for you.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, speak for yourself...

 

Okay. When I do speak for just me everyone seems to like to tell me what I'm "really" thinking or whether or not I "really" have remorse, etc. Lots of assumptions. I apologize for assuming everyone here has something a bit broken inside of them.

[jennie-jennie]

You know -- sometimes we think we're just bent and something is broken. It's probably the case for everyone here.

 

Okay. When I do speak for just me everyone seems to like to tell me what I'm "really" thinking or whether or not I "really" have remorse, etc. Lots of assumptions. I apologize for assuming everyone here has something a bit broken inside of them.

 

No need to apologize, I saw the word "probably" in there. And it is true for me at least.

[Just a stone's throw]

Okay. When I do speak for just me everyone seems to like to tell me what I'm "really" thinking or whether or not I "really" have remorse, etc. Lots of assumptions. I apologize for assuming everyone here has something a bit broken inside of them.

 

 

Sorry, no one is on this website becaue they are completely fulfilled and well. IMHO..... We'd all be doing something else with our time. I am grateful that you've all chosen to share a piece of your human-ness with me and my issues. I am not worried that my Ex AP will show up and get involved. That is the last thing I worry about. I am not worried about drinking too much and slipping up and telling. I made one huge mistake deciding to have an A. I now have a choice whether to make another decision to tell my H about the A which I view right now as another mistake on my part If my view on that changes, I may decide to tell him. But that's where I'm at right now.

[Samantha0905]

No need to apologize, I saw the word "probably" in there. And it is true for me at least.

 

Thanks for that find jennie. I've not had enough coffee and am feeling low key this morning. Glad I said "probably" and it wasn't all inclusive.

[Samantha0905]

Sorry' date=' no one is on this website becaue they are completely fulfilled and well. IMHO..... We'd all be doing something else with our time. I am grateful that you've all chosen to share a piece of your human-ness with me and my issues. I am not worried that my Ex AP will show up and get involved. That is the last thing I worry about. I am not worried about drinking too much and slipping up and telling. I made one huge mistake deciding to have an A. I now have a choice whether to make another decision to tell my H about the A which I view right now as another mistake on my part If my view on that changes, I may decide to tell him. But that's where I'm at right now.[/quote']

 

Thanks. It's where I am also as far as the telling is concerned. I shared what happened with my friend because I think it's important to look at things from every perspective possible when making a decision.

[seibert253]

How can your husband help fix something if he doesn't know what's broke?

 

Just a thought.

[Just a stone's throw]

stone,

 

 

tell me one reason for not telling apart from hurting your H which i consider bull crap

 

if you would have cared you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place....you never bothered about what an A will do to your H while you are in it...now since it is ended (of course you are not the one ended nor you had any intention to)...all of a sudden where this hurting your H comes from....

 

 

and tell me why your clueless H has to work on a M which is obviously f*up cause of you

 

as i said in my previous post the posters who ask you not to tell cause they did the same..continue to do the same..yet they expect some thing will change their position or M(if you don't trust me,go check their 1st post and last post see if there is any change)

 

if you can't tell the truth let your H go....he deserves way better than what you are giving him

 

 

You assume that everything that came out of my A was bad. I don't see it that way. It was a time of significant personal and professional growth for me, some of which was at the aid of my AP. I was quite naive prior to the A and thought that only other people made mistakes, not me. Well, guess what I was falable. I chose the name I did on this site because I would have been the one to cast the first stone prior to my A. My Dad, my brothers, other people who had A's; I would have kicked my husband out if he would have confessed to an A. And then there I was, taking on a decision that I had only blamed others for. I have accepted that I made that decision but the telling of my H affects him and a whole host of people who have benefited somewhat from my personal growth. If I can live with myself and this decision, keeping it to myself and not losing it, then I feel I've protected a lot of people from a lot of unhappiness. Again, no need to make (what I view) to be two mistakes at this point. I think telling can sometimes be a selfish act in and of itself in order to get the pressure off the cheater.

[califnan]

I can well understand why a woman who has had an affair on her husband, would not wish to tell him - and hurt him. But there is also the financial aspect .. Should he decide to divorce - she may have to become self supporting .. Working outside the home, is Not fun. After spending decades as a stay-at-home wife and decades as a working woman - believe me, a stay-at-home wife/mother (and all it entails) is The Life of Riley by comparison ..

[jnj express]

Hey stone----your still thinking only of you----yes you will hurt and cause pain to your H., and family, but admit the truth your scared as crap of the repercussions that will hit you----stop giving us all this crap about your growth etc., etc.,--and how you were aided by the OM in your growth, you could have had all those benefits w/out spreading your legs for him, but then again maybe not who knows----bottom line you don't want to do what is right, and proper, cuz you know what the consequences will be----tell me were you thinking these thoughts about not wanting to hurt others while you had your legs spread.

[confusedinkansas]

Some people here are SO graphic. I highly doubt it's necessary. We all know the actions on a man's part in an affair & a woman's too.

 

Anyway - Stones Throw....

Marriages survive affairs every day! Marriages even survive affairs when the person that had the affair chooses not to tell. AND YES.....They even go on to be BETTER MARRIAGES than they were prior to the affair.

 

I'm a no tell gal myself. Here's the way I see that............

One thing, why add undue pressure on a marriage? What purpose does it serve? Yeah, he'll know - but so what? Does your husband tell everything he does on any given day? I doubt it. Perhaps he is surfing porn sites. Do you know about that? No. Perhaps he is frequenting bars on a daily basis or drinks too much. (this was one that my husband did) Does he volunteer this to you? No. Perhaps he has flirted with someone from his work in the past - Are you aware of that? No. See where I'm going with these EXAMPLES of what goes on in a marriage on any given day. No one tells the truth 100% - 100% of the time.

 

I'm not downplaying affairs. I know how BAD they are - but they aren't the end of the world. You can survive them. You can go on to have a productive life. Unlike many here would have you believe...........So, take off the Scarlet A - make your decision - if it's to tell, or not to tell. And get on with life & your marriage. -

 

Seems to me the arguements here are TO TELL......Not To tell.......I've seen several cases here where posters have been bullied into telling. Don't you be another statistic. I know specific storie on both sides of the coin. Each situation is different. Do what's right for your situation.

 

. It is so hard to let this go

It DOES GET EASIER! Time is a wonderful thing when it comes to this. Right now you feel as if it's the end of the world, your heart is crushed - but it will heal.

[ladydesigner]

Seems to me the arguements here are TO TELL......Not To tell.......I've seen several cases here where posters have been bullied into telling. Don't you be another statistic. I know specific storie on both sides of the coin. Each situation is different. Do what's right for your situation.

 

Totally agree with this. Posters can argue till the cows come home on telling the BS. I know and I have made my decision, no one will sway me, it is what I have chosen to do. Not tell.

[Just a stone's throw]

Some people here are SO graphic. I highly doubt it's necessary. We all know the actions on a man's part in an affair & a woman's too.

 

 

Seems to me the arguements here are TO TELL......Not To tell.......I've seen several cases here where posters have been bullied into telling. Don't you be another statistic. I know specific storie on both sides of the coin. Each situation is different. Do what's right for your situation.

 

 

It DOES GET EASIER! Time is a wonderful thing when it comes to this. Right now you feel as if it's the end of the world, your heart is crushed - but it will heal.

 

 

No intention to be bullied. Interesting and helpful to hear both sides. Can do without the graphic representation of the A though, thank you very much. But guess it's your freedom of speech.

[califnan]

Telling the Husband: Another reason why I think the husband should be told of an outside affair is that, if the husband has been supporting the wife, he should be Free to make the decision as to If he wishes to Continue to keep her in the present lifestyle..

[jnj express]

For all of you, who are bound and determined to continue cheating by ommission----fine.

 

Then do the right and proper thing and divorce your H., and don't tell him, but let him go.

 

And please, for those who have had A's, do not come here and tell us how you love your H. or W.

 

I would like any of you to explain to me what kind of love you have, while you are (to downplay this) in you lover's arms. While you are lying to your H., about where you will be, who you will be with, and what you are gonna be doing. So what type of love is that, pray tell that allows you to be completely irreverant of your vows, and relationship, lie to your H., disrespect your H., allow others to go where only he belongs, (and you took vows about this w/out anyone twisting your arm). What type of love is that---tell me I really would like to understand.

 

For all of you who are cheating and never want to tell, of course you don't wanna tell, 1st you think you won't be caught, 2nd if you do get away with it once, many do it again, and again, and again, cuz they did get away with the cheating.

 

And here we have at home the innocent H., trusting you, and for most mge.,s loving you till the day you part.---explain it to me I don't understand. For the person who tried to slide the A., under the rug by saying everyone lies, what planet are you from, nothing, in any way shape or form, compares to an A. An A. is the murdering of a mge.

 

Stones, here in her posts, spends all her time worrying about the A, the OM, and in last place behind everything else, "Oh I guess i need to work on my mge". What kind of love is that.

 

Get a divorce and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, WILL CARE WHAT YOU DO---YOU ARE SINGLE, you can sleep with a different man every night if you want to.---The only reason anybody is screaming at tiger woods, is cuz he got married, had he stayed single NO ONE WOULD HAVE CARED ONE THING ABOUT HIS SEX LIFE.

 

I will end this with this last thing and for you cheaters who refuse to tell---take heed----go on these other sites, and read----read about very late delayed finding out of an A., years later. They are way more devasting to both partners, mainly cuz now both partners are up in age, and really have no where to go. But the discoveries by older marrieds, are hell on wheels for both H. and W.---Don't just take my word for it--check for yourself. Also if the guilt does come into play for the cheating spouse, believe me it festers, and you will find life ain't so good, and you will always be looking over your shoulder, if something new or different pops upin your day to day living. And if you do not feel guilty about what you have done, then shame on you for you are one cold, hard person, who does not deserve to be married, or to be loved by your innocent spouse.