Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Don't let some of the posters here that like to bully people make you believe that the only way your marriage can survive is if you TELL TELL TELL. It is just simply not true. You need to do what's best for you. Now that your affair partner has asked for NC you should probably respect that. Let him move on & work on his marriage - & it does seem like, from your posts that is the direction you're going as well. Good luck to you. It is EXTREMELY difficult at first. But trust a gal that's been there. It does get better & easier over time. I agree. I was just talking to one of my best friends today. She had an affair about four years ago and told her husband. She said it was the worst decision she ever made in her life and she wishes she had taken my advice not to tell him. Her husband and she are still together and happy, but she said if she could have it back -- she would take it back (the telling) because it just caused him a lot of pain/heartache/tears and didn't really contribute any to the healing of their relationship. She said all it caused was a lot of anguish on his part, demands from him she could not give into -- such as quitting her job (XAP worked with her at that time) -- and he also had a morbid curiosity with what she and her XAP did together sexually. He wanted every detail. She said she refused to share that with him either. It's difficult but VERY MUCH POSSIBLE... Well I know that and said it.
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Originally Posted by stuckinoz Don't let some of the posters here that like to bully people make you believe that the only way your marriage can survive is if you TELL TELL TELL. It is just simply not true. You need to do what's best for you. Now that your affair partner has asked for NC you should probably respect that. Let him move on & work on his marriage - & it does seem like, from your posts that is the direction you're going as well. Good luck to you. It is EXTREMELY difficult at first. But trust a gal that's been there. It does get better & easier over time. I agree. I was just talking to one of my best friends today. She had an affair about four years ago and told her husband. She said it was the worst decision she ever made in her life and she wishes she had taken my advice not to tell him. Her husband and she are still together and happy, but she said if she could have it back -- she would take it back (the telling) because it just caused him a lot of pain/heartache/tears and didn't really contribute any to the healing of their relationship. She said all it caused was a lot of anguish on his part, demands from him she could not give into -- such as quitting her job (XAP worked with her at that time) -- and he also had a morbid curiosity with what she and her XAP did together sexually. He wanted every detail. She said she refused to share that with him either.Thank you Stuckinoz and thank you Samantha for sharing your views. After being a BS and then becoming a WS out of revenge (not that it matters) I am also in the court of not telling. If the result of my telling ended in the bolded part above I would RUN for a divorce myself. I am a BS and I haven't done these things, but I know my H would especially the part about the morbid curiosity:sick: talk about a M killer...yuck.
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you Stuckinoz and thank you Samantha for sharing your views. After being a BS and then becoming a WS out of revenge (not that it matters) I am also in the court of not telling. If the result of my telling ended in the bolded part above I would RUN for a divorce myself. I am a BS and I haven't done these things, but I know my H would especially the part about the morbid curiosity:sick: talk about a M killer...yuck. My friend said her husband asked so much it almost started feeling like he would be turned on by the details. How's that for yuck?
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Ms. Samantha, I agree tha Ms. "Stones", may have many good qualities, but right now, she is acting in a very selfish manner. How can her husband be integrated into the healing process, if he isn't aware of all the facts? She is much more concerned about the affects as they pertain to her well being than she is about the well-being of any of the other parties. BTW, you haven't disclosed your A, either, don't you think that your opinion will be biased? I admit, as the OM, that I bear the responsibility for my actions, and have told my MW's husband the same thing. I cannot see where continuing deceit is in any way helpful either to getting over the A or re-building a marriage. Ms. "Stones", I really hope that you reconsider your decision, and begin to make the welfare of your husband your first priority. This is just my opinion, and either way, I wish you luck, sincerely. We just disagree. I wonder if you told your XAP's husband to "right" things and bring everything out into the open in the interest of honesty and healing or if you merely did it so you do anything to make something happen? Forcing her hand perhaps to make a choice? If not -- maybe it was your way of repenting for something you felt you had done that was wrong. If you were leaving the affair, it just seems vindictive of you to tell her husband. You could have repented without throwing her under the wheels of the bus for a behavior in which you participated. It wasn't your place to orchestrate things in her marriage. Shouldn't it have been her choice to tell her husband? And if she ended the affair, it seems like your action would have simply been retribution. And I think everyone's opinions here are biased -- based on their own life experiences and how they think things should be handled. Just because you think telling is the best and only option, does not mean all others share that view -- nor does it mean it IS the correct thing to do in every situation. I also accept that I could be making a mistake or I could be making the right decision given the situation. I only know one infallible being and He isn't in the form of a person on this earth. Any one of us could be incorrect in our thinking process.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Wow, some interesting posts today. Thank you all. It is a new day and I am sorry, scorp but I believe you are wrong in the sense that I may not have ended things but I am greatful to OM for ending it and asking for NC as that was what I needed to start me down the path of getting my M and my relationship with my H in order. With even minimal contact I would not have focused where I needed to focus. I do not harbor any ill will toward him for that decision in fact as one of the posters stated, be glad I didn't have to be the one. Even though the OM and myself have not been physically together for a few months we still kept written contact and that kept things going. It needed to stop. I appreciate the information on holding back from telling my H the details of my A. I don't think at this time I can do that. I don't see it bringing about any good for him and I know there will be those that say he should get to make that decision. I see it playing out a lot as Samantha shared of her friend. I will have to see how it goes. I am not worrried about OMW knowing because he would not tell her. I appreciate those that support telling the truth and maybe someday I will be able to "Man up" and get there.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. no point working on the marriage until you do confess. othewise he is working on a marriage that is a facade, and doing so under false premises. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. problem is he is trying hard not knowing what his wife is. not knowing what you have done. he will bust his butt to work on the marriage while thinking the problems are his and that you are innocent of the problems.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 He has a right to change his mind and want out of the affair, especially since he isn't planning on leaving and divorcing his wife. He didn't make a committment to you, he isn't obligated to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you really need to respect his decision in ending the A. Do the NC so you can heal and focus on fixing yourself, fixing your marriage. exactly. the OM/MM owes the OP nothing, nor does the OP owe the OM/MM anything. the only people each of them owes is their spouses and family.
FryFish Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 All the work you do towards fixing your marriage will be entirely counterproductive when he finds out. He will hate you all the more when he realizes that he was putting effort towards a lie. The longer you wait to tell, the more destructive the result WILL be. EVERY good memory you two build between now and the moment he finds out will instantly be turned to a thought of "That lying WHORE!". Its good, great and grand that you want to work on yourself and your marriage before letting your H know about your A but all the work is for not and you will start over at some point less than zero when you H finds out in the future... whether its from you or not.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I agree. I was just talking to one of my best friends today. She had an affair about four years ago and told her husband. She said it was the worst decision she ever made in her life and she wishes she had taken my advice not to tell him. Her husband and she are still together and happy, but she said if she could have it back -- she would take it back (the telling) because it just caused him a lot of pain/heartache/tears and didn't really contribute any to the healing of their relationship. She said all it caused was a lot of anguish on his part, demands from him she could not give into -- such as quitting her job (XAP worked with her at that time) -- and he also had a morbid curiosity with what she and her XAP did together sexually. He wanted every detail. She said she refused to share that with him either. Well I know that and said it. What a great gal she is. Regrets telling him so he could chose to stay with her, but not that she had an A. Sounds like she is a lovely person.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 My friend said her husband asked so much it almost started feeling like he would be turned on by the details. How's that for yuck? No more yuck that her being with someone else then going home to her H.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Wow, some interesting posts today. Thank you all. It is a new day and I am sorry, scorp but I believe you are wrong in the sense that I may not have ended things but I am greatful to OM for ending it and asking for NC as that was what I needed to start me down the path of getting my M and my relationship with my H in order. With even minimal contact I would not have focused where I needed to focus. I do not harbor any ill will toward him for that decision in fact as one of the posters stated, be glad I didn't have to be the one. Even though the OM and myself have not been physically together for a few months we still kept written contact and that kept things going. It needed to stop. I appreciate the information on holding back from telling my H the details of my A. I don't think at this time I can do that. I don't see it bringing about any good for him and I know there will be those that say he should get to make that decision. I see it playing out a lot as Samantha shared of her friend. I will have to see how it goes. I am not worrried about OMW knowing because he would not tell her. I appreciate those that support telling the truth and maybe someday I will be able to "Man up" and get there. And there you have it. Another behind being covered with lies. The marriages that have one partner who gets to do whatever they want with all the facts and the other who is forced to live a lie for lack of knowledge.
JustJoe Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 We just disagree. I wonder if you told your XAP's husband to "right" things and bring everything out into the open in the interest of honesty and healing or if you merely did it so you do anything to make something happen? Forcing her hand perhaps to make a choice? If not -- maybe it was your way of repenting for something you felt you had done that was wrong. If you were leaving the affair, it just seems vindictive of you to tell her husband. You could have repented without throwing her under the wheels of the bus for a behavior in which you participated. It wasn't your place to orchestrate things in her marriage. Shouldn't it have been her choice to tell her husband? And if she ended the affair, it seems like your action would have simply been retribution. And I think everyone's opinions here are biased -- based on their own life experiences and how they think things should be handled. Just because you think telling is the best and only option, does not mean all others share that view -- nor does it mean it IS the correct thing to do in every situation. I also accept that I could be making a mistake or I could be making the right decision given the situation. I only know one infallible being and He isn't in the form of a person on this earth. Any one of us could be incorrect in our thinking process.DMs. Samantha, may I ask you if you ever invision telling your husband the truth, or are you going to continue the deception? Simple question, simple answer.
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 (edited) What a great gal she is. Regrets telling him so he could choose to stay with her, but not that she had an A. Sounds like she is a lovely person. She is a great gal. Do you know her? She didn't say she didn't regret having the affair. In fact she has told me she has. Why'd you make that assumption if you're not being judgmental? Because she said she made a mistake telling and that grates your nerves? Because she did NOT think it helped their marriage in any way to share the fact she had sex with another man and liked it? Perhaps she thinks it would have been better for him in the long run had she not told him. He's perfectly nice to her now. She said he's kind to her, loves her and does not bring it up ever any more. Oh my goodness. It's possible he forgave her. What a shocking surprise. It does happen. Honestly, I think she truly regrets the pain she saw in him after the revelation. I know she regrets the affair. She told him she owned it. It was wrong. She shouldn't have done it. And I know she meant it and loves her husband a lot. And thank you. She is a lovely person with a wonderful heart. One of the dearest people I know. You know -- sometimes we think we're just bent and something is broken. It's probably the case for everyone here. DMs. Samantha, may I ask you if you ever invision telling your husband the truth, or are you going to continue the deception? Simple question, simple answer. Why do you ask Joe? Your motives for asking don't reach out to me as genuinely helpful. I'm not sitting around envisioning about it for the most part. Every once in a while I consider it. I'm taking it day by day. I'm in IC and it's helping somewhat so far. If I come to the decision it's best to tell, I'll be sure to inform. Edited March 12, 2010 by Samantha0905
JustJoe Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Ms. Sam, somehow I knew that I would not get a straight answer.
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Ms. Sam, somehow I knew that I would not get a straight answer. How is I'm taking it day by day and getting counseling not a straight answer? I don't have a yes or a no right now. I don't know. I'm okay with that.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 She is a great gal. Do you know her? She didn't say she didn't regret having the affair. In fact she has told me she has. Why'd you make that assumption if you're not being judgmental? Because she said she made a mistake telling and that grates your nerves? Because she did NOT think it helped their marriage in any way to share the fact she had sex with another man and liked it? Perhaps she thinks it would have been better for him in the long run had she not told him. He's perfectly nice to her now. She said he's kind to her, loves her and does not bring it up ever any more. Oh my goodness. It's possible he forgave her. What a shocking surprise. It does happen. Honestly, I think she truly regrets the pain she saw in him after the revelation. I know she regrets the affair. She told him she owned it. It was wrong. She shouldn't have done it. And I know she meant it and loves her husband a lot. And thank you. She is a lovely person with a wonderful heart. One of the dearest people I know. You know -- sometimes we think we're just bent and something is broken. It's probably the case for everyone here I made the assumption because MY OPINION is there isn't such a good person willing to lie to someone they profess to love and respect. It is a selfish act for a selfish person. And yes I am bent and broken in some aspect, but lying isn't one of them. If my opinion is considered a judgement by you....so be it. I good with that.
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I made the assumption because MY OPINION is there isn't such a good person willing to lie to someone they profess to love and respect. It is a selfish act for a selfish person. And yes I am bent and broken in some aspect, but lying isn't one of them. If my opinion is considered a judgement by you....so be it. I good with that. You never lie. Just like George Washington and the cherry tree or something like that? Okay. So, once she had the affair she could not ever be considered a good person for the rest of her life? Wow. That's forgiving. Well, he forgave her. And I imagine He forgave her. So sorry if you feel the need to think she's a liar and selfish for life. It's a ridiculous judgment.
jnj express Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 To whoever attacked me earlier and stated I was negative----you are way out of line----all I have done is TAKE THE FACTS AND PROPERLY ANALYZE THEM. You who don't like what I stated B4 can spin this anyway you want, based on your perception of how to treat a human being. Bottom line stones IS STILL CHEATING---she is now cheating by OMMISSION---she is now hiding the truth from her H. Let me see when all of you who got married, did you agree in your vows to participate in a mge. built on lies. Those of you who have cheated, and are hiding the truth are continuing the deceit, manipulation, conniving lying. For those who state, no it is better not to tell---WHAT EXACTLY IS IT YOU ARE DOING WHEN YOU COME HOME NIGHT AFTER NIGHT LOOK YOUR SPOUSE IN THE EYES, AND SAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. It is not fine you have allowed another human to go where only your spouse is to go, based on your vows. So tell me just exactly what do you who have cheated and kept silent, call that. Stones is complaining all over the place about all her H.'s faults, yet she loves him. YOU DO NOT CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU TRULY LOVE---Do not spin it any other way cuz you CAN'T. If you don't like living with your H., and are never gonna have a satisfied sex life, then get a divorce, set him free, and it that situation I would agree don't tell him. If you stay with him you need to tell the truth, painful as it might be it is the right thing to do.
bentnotbroken Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 You never lie. Just like George Washington and the cherry tree or something like that? Okay. So, once she had the affair she could not ever be considered a good person for the rest of her life? Wow. That's forgiving. Well, he forgave her. And I imagine He forgave her. So sorry if you feel the need to think she's a liar and selfish for life. It's a ridiculous judgment. I said I don't lie to a person I profess to love and respect. To any old azz on the street, you be the judge. Never said she wasn't a good person, I implied that it is kind of hard to claim goodness when you wrong someone in a way that you know you wouldn't want to have happen to you and you continue to lie to them daily, by omission, but lie none the less. Why would her H have to forgive her if he knows nothing of the A? And yes I am sure God forgave her, as he does us all when we ask and even when we don't do what he commands. Which he did by the way when he said go to who every you offend and tell them and ask for forgiveness. Hey but we all twist to fit our needs in life. I think cheating is ridiculous what ever the excuse, so I guess we agree on each other doing ridiculous things.
JustJoe Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Because Ms Sam, I asked you a direct question, only requiring a direct answer. IDK would have been sufficient. Evasions are un-necessary. Thank you.
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Because Ms Sam, I asked you a direct question, only requiring a direct answer. IDK would have been sufficient. Evasions are un-necessary. Thank you. I gave you a direct answer. I'm taking it day by day. I'm in IC and it's helping somewhat so far. If I come to the decision it's best to tell, I'll be sure to inform. The above pretty much told you -- I'm taking it day by day. In IC working on things. If I come to the decision it's best to tell (should have implied to you I'm not there yet), I'll let you know. You just don't like it when it isn't what you consider the "right" answer or it isn't delivered in the way "you" would like to hear it. Interesting. Guess what? I'm me. You're you. I'll be in charge of delivering my responses. Thank you very much.
JustJoe Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 BTW, In answer to your previous questions, I forced D-Day for two reasons, 1) to end the affair 2) to force her to choose. She would NEVER have either ended her marriage, nor would she ever have ended the affair. She had the best of both worlds, passion and love with me, wealth and power with her husband, so why should she choose? In the end, I finally realized how little respect or integrity she actually had. ALL of this I told her husband when we finally met. She chose wealth and power and I'm not surprised. I knew who she would choose, because I knew her. My guilt is my business. I owed her husband nothing but honesty, which he would never have gotten from his wife. That is all I gave him.
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 And I believe I asked you a few things...... We just disagree. I wonder if you told your XAP's husband to "right" things and bring everything out into the open in the interest of honesty and healing or if you merely did it so you do anything to make something happen? Forcing her hand perhaps to make a choice? If not -- maybe it was your way of repenting for something you felt you had done that was wrong. If you were leaving the affair, it just seems vindictive of you to tell her husband. You could have repented without throwing her under the wheels of the bus for a behavior in which you participated. It wasn't your place to orchestrate things in her marriage. Shouldn't it have been her choice to tell her husband? And if she ended the affair, it seems like your action would have simply been retribution. So, speaking of evading.........
Samantha0905 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Ahhhh, there it is! BTW, In answer to your previous questions, I forced D-Day for two reasons, 1) to end the affair 2) to force her to choose. She would NEVER have either ended her marriage, nor would she ever have ended the affair. She had the best of both worlds, passion and love with me, wealth and power with her husband, so why should she choose? In the end, I finally realized how little respect or integrity she actually had. ALL of this I told her husband when we finally met. She chose wealth and power and I'm not surprised. I knew who she would choose, because I knew her. My guilt is my business. I owed her husband nothing but honesty, which he would never have gotten from his wife. That is all I gave him. Oh -- so you wanted her to choose you and you thought by forcing D-Day it may happen? You didn't have any business saying anything to her husband in my opinion. You chose to -- and that is what it is and a risk someone takes when entering an affair (her, I mean.) I don't think it showed a lot of integrity on your part, so I don't know why you keep talking about respect and integrity. That was an act of anger. You saw it as a battle between your love and his wealth/power. It wasn't done to give her husband honesty. Maybe in some distorted way you convinced yourself of that. You were mad at her. That's pretty simple to see. You talk of the honesty her husband would have never gotten from his wife? Come on. You were having sex with her. You knew she was married, right? And suddenly you became a beacon of honesty shining on him. Please. You should have held your head up and walked if the two of you ended up not together. If you wanted to be honest, be honest if your future relationships and don't have any more affairs.
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