Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Just a Stone - I think part of it was the communication, what you were lacking with your H. Is there any reason you can't communicate with him? Why not email back and forth with your H like you use to do with your AP. Get to know each other again. Let go of your old anger and resentment towards him, work on forgiving yourself for your lapses and guilt. IC can be done by phone and scheduled weeks and weeks in advanced if you want in person. I think right now this is important for you. You need to figure out yourself before you can work on your M. But there is no reason why you can't try and restore some of your communication. All it takes is to start. CCL Thank you, that sounds very constructive and we do talk a good deal already. We are very good friends, that's what brought us together in the first place. The issues really had a lot to do with physical attraction. I can say I really never felt a "zing" with my husband and I always thought, well, that's just the way it is. Then the OM came along and BAM, there was a lot of Zing and things I had never thought possible. It was totally physical but I wanted to recreate that with my H and even with Sex Counseling, we've made progress but nowhere near a zing. That's something very hard to tell a spouse, you don't feel a Zing when you're together and they say "well how do you know?" Not trying to sound even more selfish here, just trying to be honest as to why I continued to pursue the OM. I will take your advice though and step up the conversations with him, email and phone when I'm away as I can see I've drifted, definitely.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you, that sounds very constructive and we do talk a good deal already. We are very good friends, that's what brought us together in the first place. The issues really had a lot to do with physical attraction. I can say I really never felt a "zing" with my husband and I always thought, well, that's just the way it is. Then the OM came along and BAM, there was a lot of Zing and things I had never thought possible. It was totally physical but I wanted to recreate that with my H and even with Sex Counseling, we've made progress but nowhere near a zing. That's something very hard to tell a spouse, you don't feel a Zing when you're together and they say "well how do you know?" Not trying to sound even more selfish here, just trying to be honest as to why I continued to pursue the OM. I will take your advice though and step up the conversations with him, email and phone when I'm away as I can see I've drifted, definitely. this is a good start!
fooled once Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you, that sounds very constructive and we do talk a good deal already. We are very good friends, that's what brought us together in the first place. The issues really had a lot to do with physical attraction. I can say I really never felt a "zing" with my husband and I always thought, well, that's just the way it is. Then the OM came along and BAM, there was a lot of Zing and things I had never thought possible. It was totally physical but I wanted to recreate that with my H and even with Sex Counseling, we've made progress but nowhere near a zing. That's something very hard to tell a spouse, you don't feel a Zing when you're together and they say "well how do you know?" Not trying to sound even more selfish here, just trying to be honest as to why I continued to pursue the OM. I will take your advice though and step up the conversations with him, email and phone when I'm away as I can see I've drifted, definitely. The Zing, IMHO, was the newness, the secrecy, the sexiness you felt because someone NEW was into you. But are you willing to throw away your marriage for that Zing, which could easily turn into "hum drum" once the newness falls away? Do you see yourself with your H when you are both 70? Do you see him taking care of you when sick or ill? Do you see you and him holding hands at the end of a long day? Do you WANT those things? Do you want to care for him that way again? Had this OM not come into the picture, what were you planning to do to keep your marriage alive? We all need to own our own parts of a breakdown in a relationship. We also all need to own our own parts in building back up a relationship. Long marriages have highs and lows. The more you two are together, the more "hum drum" things can become. Marriages DO take work - you need to find the time for each other, the time to be romantic, the time to work on communication, etc. Do you and your H do 'date' nights? If not, start doing them. Get away and talk about each other - your first dates, future plans, how each of you are feeling about topics, etc. Regarding your husbands alleged explosive personality - what would you consider a 'good' reaction to finding out your wife is involved - mentally and physically - with another man? What would you consider an acceptable reaction to the love and trust you gave this person being thrown back in your face? I hope you can dig deep within you and find a way to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage or end it so your H can have the chance to find someone else!
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 The Zing, IMHO, was the newness, the secrecy, the sexiness you felt because someone NEW was into you. But are you willing to throw away your marriage for that Zing, which could easily turn into "hum drum" once the newness falls away? Do you see yourself with your H when you are both 70? Do you see him taking care of you when sick or ill? Do you see you and him holding hands at the end of a long day? Do you WANT those things? Do you want to care for him that way again? Had this OM not come into the picture, what were you planning to do to keep your marriage alive? We all need to own our own parts of a breakdown in a relationship. We also all need to own our own parts in building back up a relationship. Long marriages have highs and lows. The more you two are together, the more "hum drum" things can become. Marriages DO take work - you need to find the time for each other, the time to be romantic, the time to work on communication, etc. Do you and your H do 'date' nights? If not, start doing them. Get away and talk about each other - your first dates, future plans, how each of you are feeling about topics, etc. Regarding your husbands alleged explosive personality - what would you consider a 'good' reaction to finding out your wife is involved - mentally and physically - with another man? What would you consider an acceptable reaction to the love and trust you gave this person being thrown back in your face? I hope you can dig deep within you and find a way to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage or end it so your H can have the chance to find someone else! All very valid points and thank you for taking the time to convey them. All the things you expressed are the exact things I think of when I'm telling myself the A is not (now was not) worth it. I have the kind of man who will be there holding my hand when I'm sick and loving me every minute. I am very fortunate. We spend a lot of time together. We have weekly date nights and sometimes more than one (a benefit of no kids, one of the few). I think I sometimes am just going through the motions though. I need to engage. I have to stop sitting back and critiquing the situation every moment trying to identify what is wrong and why it won't work out.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 The decision was very one-sided and wasn't a discussion. He has a right to change his mind and want out of the affair, especially since he isn't planning on leaving and divorcing his wife. He didn't make a committment to you, he isn't obligated to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you really need to respect his decision in ending the A. Do the NC so you can heal and focus on fixing yourself, fixing your marriage.
michelangelo Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I find it fascinating that women who fear their husband's potential for violence upon being told of their cheating ways, don't have any qualms about actually cheating. So that potential violence is no impediment for the affair, just for the airing of it? Interesting. Seems to me that if one feared potential violence then one would not cheat. Convoluted self serving "logic."
FryFish Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Seriously, he is going to be much less angry if you tell him on your own rather than when he figures it out on his own. Especially if you choose to lie to him when he confronts you after he finds out... and he WILL find out. And you are very likely to lie.
JustJoe Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Just a stone's throw you may want to post over in the OW/OM section as there is less animosity. I am an XMOW and have never disclosed my infidelity to my H. My marriage is slowly recovering and I feel there isn't a need to disclose my A at this time. I may change my mind in the future.MS. Designer, I did not know this about you I can only say that I disagree most strongly. A wound, tightly bound, will never heal. A wound open to the sun and air will heal far quicker.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. That may change in the future. I am trying to work on myself to see what I want out of our marriage and see if it is possible to rekindle in my heart what I felt for him for so many years but has turned to impatience and anger. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. I give him a lot of credit. I don't have a timeframe by which I'll do this. I travel a lot so counseling would be very difficult. I am trying some self-help books and I have one friend who is having similar issues (without the affair) that I've confided in. He deserves more than your credit. He deserves the truth. He is trying to fix something and doesn't know you are pining for another man. That's just plain crap. The energy he is putting into a relationship with you, he could be putting into a reciprocating relationship. One where he is respected with the truth. That's like giving a person a destination without a map to get there.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I find it fascinating that women who fear their husband's potential for violence upon being told of their cheating ways, don't have any qualms about actually cheating. So that potential violence is no impediment for the affair, just for the airing of it? Interesting. Seems to me that if one feared potential violence then one would not cheat. Convoluted self serving "logic." I have always felt this way. If violence is part of a personality, why not leave instead of risking a violent explosion? The concern should be part of the thought process before the A, not the a$$ covering process after.
lkjh Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Your post seem self-centered. Im not trying to be be cruel but they all have something about finding what you want and how your were lured. You need to respect your H and be honest with him. In one of your post you said something about telling him there is something missing in your relationship and you two are working on it. Don't you find that hypocritical to have your H work on your relationship with out all the details while you are cheating Look you can try an run from this but be prepared to live a lifetime of trying to find a fix to this. People who try an lie their way out of problems like yours end up on loveshack for years trying to deal with the mess created from a life of lies. It ultimately ends with everything being messed up. You may be able to hide it for life but it will be at the cost of you peace of mind Don't use the MW and her children as a excuse to continuing lying, not telling your H has nothing to do with them. It simply has to do with having your cake and eating it to. You want to have had the affair and keep you steady home life. Just be honest. Im not saying that everything will end up perfectly fine because the nasty act is done. But, being honest is the right thing to do and your H deserves that. You know this already Do not have children with your H until you are honest, that would be way too cruel
jnj express Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hey stone---so you wanna take your dirty dark little secret to the grave with you----you had better be prepared for a long hard road, with festering guilt, and you will always be looking over your shoulder. You can never get to drunk, in that you might let something slip, you are always gonna have to worry about the situation if the other wife ever finds out, will she contact your H.---Bottom line it will be way better if you tell him, then someone else, or he has to discover it himself. I guarantee you that both your H. and the other wife have gut feelings that something is not right. Your H. has a right to know who he is married to, so he can decide how to live out his life----You took your chances on cheating on him, now you should come clean and take your chances on keeping your mge., going where the truth has been told. Let me ask you----was there hot passion at the beginning of your mge. Was there zing back then, and if there was no zing why did you marry your H.----Did you intend to live thru an entire lifetime, in a mge., w/out passion. You need to work on fixing yourself---your H. does not know, and you are prone to cheating, so you will probably do this again, when you meet some guy, and the chemistry is there---why not, you got away with it once, why not again. Best thing you can do if you refuse to "out yourself" is to get a divorce, and set your H. free.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Thanks all for your thought-provoking and real views of my stated situation. You've given me a lot to think about.
JustJoe Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Good Luck, "Stones", you have a difficult time ahead of you. I hope that you will be honest with your husband , but more importantly with yourself.
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Thanks all for your thought-provoking and real views of my stated situation. You've given me a lot to think about. Just a stone's throw , dont get discouraged by some of the useless negative comments , there are so many excellent advices u will get here so listen to those only , I can see u do have patience . Best of luck
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Just a stone's throw , dont get discouraged by some of the useless negative comments , there are so many excellent advices u will get here so listen to those only , I can see u do have patience . Best of luck Thanks for the encouragement. I know I have to take my licks. I can't say I'm proud of what I've done. I am trying to "right the ship" and appreciate all input, some is a little harder to swallow than others but still necessary.
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Hey stone---so you wanna take your dirty dark little secret to the grave with you----you had better be prepared for a long hard road, with festering guilt, and you will always be looking over your shoulder. You can never get to drunk, in that you might let something slip, you are always gonna have to worry about the situation if the other wife ever finds out, will she contact your H.---Bottom line it will be way better if you tell him, then someone else, or he has to discover it himself. I guarantee you that both your H. and the other wife have gut feelings that something is not right. Your H. has a right to know who he is married to, so he can decide how to live out his life----You took your chances on cheating on him, now you should come clean and take your chances on keeping your mge., going where the truth has been told. Let me ask you----was there hot passion at the beginning of your mge. Was there zing back then, and if there was no zing why did you marry your H.----Did you intend to live thru an entire lifetime, in a mge., w/out passion. You need to work on fixing yourself---your H. does not know, and you are prone to cheating, so you will probably do this again, when you meet some guy, and the chemistry is there---why not, you got away with it once, why not again. Best thing you can do if you refuse to "out yourself" is to get a divorce, and set your H. free. jnj express , I know mostly ur advice is good , in this post I dont see a reason why she should further complicate things by reavealing those details which is already over . ur suggestions to her to just get a divorce rather than working on her marriage is downright rude & makes no sense . I am sorry but let me ask do u have a negative personality ? because ur comments suggest so.
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I love him' date=' been married for many years. We've never had a great physical relationship and I admitted that to him this past year and we agreed to counseling for that which did help but I'm still struggling as we've grown away from our church and isolated ourselves a bit. I do want to work on our marriage. I'm not ready to give up. I think the affair was more of a symptom. I wasn't out looking for that type of action. I do take responsibility for it though.[/quote'] At least you admitted you didn't have a great physical relationship with your husband. I feel the same way about mine, but it's not something I feel good about announcing. Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. That may change in the future. I am trying to work on myself to see what I want out of our marriage and see if it is possible to rekindle in my heart what I felt for him for so many years but has turned to impatience and anger. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. I give him a lot of credit. I don't have a timeframe by which I'll do this. I travel a lot so counseling would be very difficult. I am trying some self-help books and I have one friend who is having similar issues (without the affair) that I've confided in. Don't allow yourself to be pressured to tell. I do think you should reconsider counseling. Even if you travel a lot, I'm sure you could work out a time when you could get counseling. Telling my H about the A would be more than difficult as he has a very explosive personality. Not to mention the MM lives in my community and I know that my H would be on his front steps and would likely resort to violence. I have seen this when he was just jealous and nothing was even going on on my part. I am not concerned about the MM but I am concerned about his W and kids. They don't deserve that but again' date=' guess I should have considered that before I said "yes" in the first place.[/quote'] Hopefully he isn't too "explosive" with you. Sorry "Stone", but your words are hollow. Where was your concern for the MM's wife and kids, when you were f**king him? Where was your worry about your H's "explosive", temper when you were in bed with the MM? It's all about YOU isn't it. It's about how YOU will feel if the wife and kids are hurt, just like it's about how YOU will feel if you tell your H and he beats up your boyfriend. It's all about how you don't feel the "zing". Have you ever once thought about somebody, other than yourself? I'm an OM, but I never deluded myself or martyred myself, at the expense of other peoples rights and feelings. I'm guessing that you will continue to read self-help books, because SELF is the only person you really care about. It's time for you to woman-up and for once, be honest. Think of your husband's rights. Sometimes people do things that are wrong and regret them later. An affair is selfish, but it doesn't mean the person is selfish for life or even 100% at the time. I'm sure the OP has some good qualities. I'm sure she does have thoughts about others. I'm sure even during the affair she had things which bothered her about it. It's not like people who have affairs have antisocial personality disorder. I have always felt this way. If violence is part of a personality, why not leave instead of risking a violent explosion? The concern should be part of the thought process before the A, not the a$$ covering process after. Not saying this as anything about the OP, but that's a lot easier said than done for someone who is being physically or emotionally abused. It just isn't that simple for them. Research it. It's not black and white. Just a stone's throw , dont get discouraged by some of the useless negative comments , there are so many excellent advices u will get here so listen to those only , I can see u do have patience . Best of luck Ditto from me.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you for your comments. He has not physically abused me. He has come close at times and I just know that I don't push things. As for verbal abuse, yes, I do feel that and it is part of my struggle with feeling negative about him. We've discussed it many times and I get the same reply, I need to stop being so sensitive. Sorry, it's degrading. That is a separate issue and I didn't turn around and have an A because I wanted to degrade him. So before anyone can jump on me for that please don't because I don't believe in an "eye for an eye". Admitting to him that our physical relationship was not exciting to me was an awful, awful thing. I saw how much he hurt from that. It did get us into counseling and that did help in our abiltiy to communicate with regard to our physical relationship. But it cut him down tremendously and he's still rebuilding his self-esteem. If you do have that conversation with him, I hope you find a way to do it more gently than I did. I wish I could take that moment back and do it more effectively.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 At least you admitted you didn't have a great physical relationship with your husband. I feel the same way about mine, but it's not something I feel good about announcing. Don't allow yourself to be pressured to tell. I do think you should reconsider counseling. Even if you travel a lot, I'm sure you could work out a time when you could get counseling. Hopefully he isn't too "explosive" with you. Sometimes people do things that are wrong and regret them later. An affair is selfish, but it doesn't mean the person is selfish for life or even 100% at the time. I'm sure the OP has some good qualities. I'm sure she does have thoughts about others. I'm sure even during the affair she had things which bothered her about it. It's not like people who have affairs have antisocial personality disorder. Not saying this as anything about the OP, but that's a lot easier said than done for someone who is being physically or emotionally abused. It just isn't that simple for them. Research it. It's not black and white. Ditto from me. I was emotionally and mentally abused for over 20 years, so I do know what I am saying. I was a physically abusive person for most of my life, so I know it from both angles and my opinion is still the same.
Jeff1962 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. That may change in the future. I am trying to work on myself to see what I want out of our marriage and see if it is possible to rekindle in my heart what I felt for him for so many years but has turned to impatience and anger. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. I give him a lot of credit. I don't have a timeframe by which I'll do this. I travel a lot so counseling would be very difficult. I am trying some self-help books and I have one friend who is having similar issues (without the affair) that I've confided in. I posted this in another thread. I am speaking in general here. If someone were cheating and not telling their spouse, how would the cheater feel if spouse found out and decided to get all freaky with someone else out of revenge or hurt? I think that if you are going to cheat you should at least afford your spouse the same decision that you made. Then you can know how it feels to know that your spouse is probably doing all the things with another that you probably never did with eachother. Just a thought.
Samantha0905 Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I was emotionally and mentally abused for over 20 years, so I do know what I am saying. I was a physically abusive person for most of my life, so I know it from both angles and my opinion is still the same. Well, after volunteering and picking women up from their homes to take them to shelters my opinion is physical and emotional abuse creates a psychological dynamic that makes it very difficult for abused women to leave the situation. Many times -- even when they do leave -- they end up going back. It's the nature of an abusive relationship. Sometimes they finally escape the abuse. My opinion stays the same also -- it's a lot easier said than done.
JustJoe Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Ms. Samantha, I agree tha Ms. "Stones", may have many good qualities, but right now, she is acting in a very selfish manner. How can her husband be integrated into the healing process, if he isn't aware of all the facts? She is much more concerned about the affects as they pertain to her well being than she is about the well-being of any of the other parties. BTW, you haven't disclosed your A, either, don't you think that your opinion will be biased? I admit, as the OM, that I bear the responsibility for my actions, and have told my MW's husband the same thing. I cannot see where continuing deceit is in any way helpful either to getting over the A or re-building a marriage. Ms. "Stones", I really hope that you reconsider your decision, and begin to make the welfare of your husband your first priority. This is just my opinion, and either way, I wish you luck, sincerely.
stuckinoz Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Telling my H about the A would be more than difficult as he has a very explosive personality. Not to mention the MM lives in my community and I know that my H would be on his front steps and would likely resort to violence. I have seen this when he was just jealous and nothing was even going on on my part. I am not concerned about the MM but I am concerned about his W and kids. They don't deserve that but again' date=' guess I should have considered that before I said "yes" in the first place.[/quote'] Don't let some of the posters here that like to bully people make you believe that the only way your marriage can survive is if you TELL TELL TELL. It is just simply not true. You need to do what's best for you. Now that your affair partner has asked for NC you should probably respect that. Let him move on & work on his marriage - & it does seem like, from your posts that is the direction you're going as well. Good luck to you. It is EXTREMELY difficult at first. But trust a gal that's been there. It does get better & easier over time.
bittersweet memories Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Well, after volunteering and picking women up from their homes to take them to shelters my opinion is physical and emotional abuse creates a psychological dynamic that makes it very difficult for abused women to leave the situation. Many times -- even when they do leave -- they end up going back. It's the nature of an abusive relationship. Sometimes they finally escape the abuse. My opinion stays the same also -- it's a lot easier said than done. It's difficult but VERY MUCH POSSIBLE...
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