Just a stone's throw Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I thought my story was different but seems to be a lot like the others I've read today. About 1 1/2 years ago I allowed myself to be lured into an affair with a MM with two kids (I'm a MW, no kids) who I worked with. I found the attention he paid to me first as friends, sharing mostly an email friendship quickly grew into an intense physical relationship. At first I became a bit emotionally interested but we both quickly worked through that and realized that we were both interested in "Friends with benefits" type of situation. I have since left that employment but he had helped with his industry connections, me land on my feet in a better position but now am traveling a good portion of my time. Our relationship as of the last few months has become mostly email and he recently ended the relationship all together because he felt we needed to stop torturing each other. He wants to protect his family and says he can't allow our relationship to potentially jeopardize losing his kids. We both have struggled with our marriages, he stays for his kids and his position in the community, I stay for the friendship I have with my husband and the fact that a divorce in his family would be devestating. The OM has asked for NC as he feels this is the only way we'll get over each other and I am having a really tough time with this. We had been really good friends on top of this affair and had chatted almost every day about everything. It is so hard to let this go. The decision was very one-sided and wasn't a discussion. I am trying multiple self-help books to try to help me to work on my marriage but feel totally empty and sad. Any tricks for getting over someone who was a friend as well as friend with benefits? Unfortunately the benefites were awesome.
califnan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If You were the one who had initiated the NC .. How do you think you would feel ... I think you would feel uncertain and guilty about your decision .. You are the lucky one .. you have left the relationship on a good note and he has made the decision for NC ... NC was a good decision for both of you - especially since you are both married .. but you have a clearer conscience.. Talk to us on "Infidelity" and Other Man / Woman relationships, and read the other related stories ... This will get you through it, and you will be fine..
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Trying to get over an affair I thought my story was different but seems to be a lot like the others I've read today. About 1 1/2 years ago I allowed myself to be lured into an affair with a MM with two kids (I'm a MW, no kids) who I worked with. I found the attention he paid to me first as friends, sharing mostly an email friendship quickly grew into an intense physical relationship. At first I became a bit emotionally interested but we both quickly worked through that and realized that we were both interested in "Friends with benefits" type of situation. I have since left that employment but he had helped with his industry connections, me land on my feet in a better position but now am traveling a good portion of my time. Our relationship as of the last few months has become mostly email and he recently ended the relationship all together because he felt we needed to stop torturing each other. He wants to protect his family and says he can't allow our relationship to potentially jeopardize losing his kids. We both have struggled with our marriages, he stays for his kids and his position in the community, I stay for the friendship I have with my husband and the fact that a divorce in his family would be devestating. The OM has asked for NC as he feels this is the only way we'll get over each other and I am having a really tough time with this. We had been really good friends on top of this affair and had chatted almost every day about everything. It is so hard to let this go. The decision was very one-sided and wasn't a discussion. I am trying multiple self-help books to try to help me to work on my marriage but feel totally empty and sad. Any tricks for getting over someone who was a friend as well as friend with benefits? Unfortunately the benefites were awesome. Adhere to the NC as you will find it beneficial as well. There is no need to contact if the A has ended and I do not believe in a "friendship" after an A has ended, those boundary lines were already crossed. In my situation my XOM ended things to focus on his relationship with his girlfriend, but still wanted to remain friends. It was impossible for me as I could not heal. Your MM is right NC is essential for healing and it is probably best that it ended for both of you if neither of you were planning on leaving your marriages. It hurts like hell, I know. Take this time to grieve for yourself maybe even get into counseling. Hope things start to get easier with time. Hang in there.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I stay for the friendship I have with my husband and the fact that a divorce in his family would be devestating. Any tricks for getting over someone who was a friend as well as friend with benefits? Unfortunately the benefites were awesome. I feel sorry for your husband. He deserves better than someone who will always crave another man because you like the benefits and tout how awesome it is. You will never be satisfied with the benefits with your husband because he is just the same-old same-old and not new and exciting. So you really should be divorced. That way you can mess around with whoever you want, whenever, have a new man when it suits you for those awesome new "benefits".....and your husband WILL move on and find someone better. He deserves that...not a wife that will always want other men and the sex from them that comes with it.
2sunny Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I allowed myself to be lured into an affair with a MM these wimpy words tell me that you feel like the victim - a powerless over what transpired. the exact opposite is true with the actions you took. own the bad behavior yourself. get your mind around what you have created for yourself. admit that you cheated and do some counseling to find out why you did this and view yourself to being a victim - having fallen to the prey of a MM. your attitude and the way you are processing this is backwards if you are to heal from it all.
scatterd Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Yes you need to go nc Does the MW and MH no about or suspect any thing.How do you feel about your husband?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 these wimpy words tell me that you feel like the victim yes, I thought this as well. gotta blame someone else right?
Bryanp Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Just curious how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been during to him behind his back and putting your health at risk for STD's? How would you feel if your husband told you that somehow he allowed himself to be lured into an affair with a married woman? How do you justify disrespecting and humiliating your husband in such a horrible way? Why don't you be honest with your husband and allow him input to decide if he wishes to remain in the marriage after what you have done. Don't you think this is the very least he deserves?
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I love him, been married for many years. We've never had a great physical relationship and I admitted that to him this past year and we agreed to counseling for that which did help but I'm still struggling as we've grown away from our church and isolated ourselves a bit. I do want to work on our marriage. I'm not ready to give up. I think the affair was more of a symptom. I wasn't out looking for that type of action. I do take responsibility for it though.
scatterd Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 does the the OMW know this happens all the time to people like me.I am loyal but it seems their is more cheaters then people like me..
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I don't believe she knows, no.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 How would you feel if your husband told you that somehow he allowed himself to be lured into an affair with a married woman? How do you justify disrespecting and humiliating your husband in such a horrible way? Why don't you be honest with your husband and allow him input to decide if he wishes to remain in the marriage after what you have done. Don't you think this is the very least he deserves? Yes, he does deserve that.
2sunny Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I love him' date=' been married for many years. We've never had a great physical relationship and I admitted that to him this past year and we agreed to counseling for that which did help but I'm still struggling as we've grown away from our church and isolated ourselves a bit. I do want to work on our marriage. I'm not ready to give up. I think the affair was more of a symptom. I wasn't out looking for that type of action. I do take responsibility for it though.[/quote'] and what exactly do you plan to do about it all?
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. That may change in the future. I am trying to work on myself to see what I want out of our marriage and see if it is possible to rekindle in my heart what I felt for him for so many years but has turned to impatience and anger. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. I give him a lot of credit. I don't have a timeframe by which I'll do this. I travel a lot so counseling would be very difficult. I am trying some self-help books and I have one friend who is having similar issues (without the affair) that I've confided in.
scatterd Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 As long as you communicate with OM you will not be able to fix your realationship.you are in an affair fog.You can not feel your husband because of that.Go no contact do counciling and put all of your energy into your husband the good guy or you will lose him.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Good question. I don't think I can confess to my infidelity at this point. That may change in the future. I am trying to work on myself to see what I want out of our marriage and see if it is possible to rekindle in my heart what I felt for him for so many years but has turned to impatience and anger. He is trying very hard knowing that things aren't great between us. I give him a lot of credit. I don't have a timeframe by which I'll do this. I travel a lot so counseling would be very difficult. I am trying some self-help books and I have one friend who is having similar issues (without the affair) that I've confided in. i still see your writing style as an attitude of complete selfishness. a great marriage doesn't have room for that amount of selfishness. until YOU are willing to change - there is no need to make any effort at all. when it becomes more about your H and how to be giving and a partner in a good, healthy relationship - things may begin to change. as long as it's all about you and what you are going to get out of it - it will never look happy at all.
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Just a stone's throw you may want to post over in the OW/OM section as there is less animosity. I am an XMOW and have never disclosed my infidelity to my H. My marriage is slowly recovering and I feel there isn't a need to disclose my A at this time. I may change my mind in the future.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 i still see your writing style as an attitude of complete selfishness. a great marriage doesn't have room for that amount of selfishness. until YOU are willing to change - there is no need to make any effort at all. when it becomes more about your H and how to be giving and a partner in a good, healthy relationship - things may begin to change. as long as it's all about you and what you are going to get out of it - it will never look happy at all. Appreciate the honest feedback and kick in the pants.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Appreciate the honest feedback and kick in the pants. and i'm honestly not trying to be mean - just trying to work from your chosen words which look the way i described. if i am to be at all helpful - i can only point out what is obvious to me from what you have written. the bottom line is - your M cannot begin to heal until you decide to be honest with your H. he deserves at least your honesty. what he does with your honesty is up to him at that point. what you do with it is yours. i have seen some of the most intimate and trusting marriages come out of crummy circumstances like what you are describing here. it's only possible if you can be honest, unselfish and willing to work on the M. until then - you are only pretending. don't short change the possibility of having it be great by not telling the truth.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Just a stone's throw you may want to post over in the OW/OM section as there is less animosity. I am an XMOW and have never disclosed my infidelity to my H. My marriage is slowly recovering and I feel there isn't a need to disclose my A at this time. I may change my mind in the future. she looks like she's in the right section. she's not only concentrating on her position of having been the OW - she's addressing the issues within her M at this time since her OM went NC. since we are moving forward - OM technically isn't part of the equation any longer.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Telling my H about the A would be more than difficult as he has a very explosive personality. Not to mention the MM lives in my community and I know that my H would be on his front steps and would likely resort to violence. I have seen this when he was just jealous and nothing was even going on on my part. I am not concerned about the MM but I am concerned about his W and kids. They don't deserve that but again, guess I should have considered that before I said "yes" in the first place.
crazycatlady Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Just a Stone - I think part of it was the communication, what you were lacking with your H. Is there any reason you can't communicate with him? Why not email back and forth with your H like you use to do with your AP. Get to know each other again. Let go of your old anger and resentment towards him, work on forgiving yourself for your lapses and guilt. IC can be done by phone and scheduled weeks and weeks in advanced if you want in person. I think right now this is important for you. You need to figure out yourself before you can work on your M. But there is no reason why you can't try and restore some of your communication. All it takes is to start. CCL
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Telling my H about the A would be more than difficult as he has a very explosive personality. Not to mention the MM lives in my community and I know that my H would be on his front steps and would likely resort to violence. I have seen this when he was just jealous and nothing was even going on on my part. I am not concerned about the MM but I am concerned about his W and kids. They don't deserve that but again, guess I should have considered that before I said "yes" in the first place. I hope your husband doesn't have an explosive personality towards you. I would especially not disclose if he has this type of personality.
Author Just a stone's throw Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Just a stone's throw you may want to post over in the OW/OM section as there is less animosity. I am an XMOW and have never disclosed my infidelity to my H. My marriage is slowly recovering and I feel there isn't a need to disclose my A at this time. I may change my mind in the future. Thanks for this, I'm sure there is a balance somewhere. Just found this site today so am finding all areas very helpful. Until today I had just been dealing with this inside my own head and I don't give very good advice.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 well lets' hold both you and MM accountable for your actions. i'm sure your H is less likely to be angry if you bring the truth to him instead of him finding out by "accident" or from some other source. and yes, BOTH you and MM both knew what is possible when you both said yes - so he has to have an idea that when the truth is revealed there may be some consequence to him. he would be an idiot to think it would never happen. it will play out the way it's supposed to. you cannot control you H actions or reaction to this. what you do about his actions or reactions will be key. stay level headed and calm. keep a safe and solid boundary.
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