The proposal situation is very frustrating...

March 13, 2010

Threads like this come up often, and yours is not the worst I've read. But still, I'll say what I've said before.

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If he wanted to live with a woman, have a sex life, and maintain the respect of his family and community, he had to marry. Even a ,man's employer might come to see him as immature and unreliable if he didn't settle down with a wife at some point.

None of these things are true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that requires marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the traditional incentives to are pretty much gone. Today, men often associate marriage not with adulthood, but with the end of youth and the end of their freedom. Plus, they dread financial ruin in the case of divorce.

Frankly, I think most men who marry nowadays do so because they feel they have to---i.e. if they don' they will lose the woman they love. You might have to press this issue harder. Best of luck.

March 13, 2010

Threads like this come up often, and yours is not the worst I've read. But still, I'll say what I've said before.

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If he wanted to live with a woman, have a sex life, and maintain the respect of his family and community, he had to marry. Even a ,man's employer might come to see him as immature and unreliable if he didn't settle down with a wife at some point.

None of these things are true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that requires marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the traditional incentives to are pretty much gone. Today, men often associate marriage not with adulthood, but with the end of youth and the end of their freedom. Plus, they dread financial ruin in the case of divorce.

Frankly, I think most men who marry nowadays do so because they feel they have to---i.e. if they don' they will lose the woman they love. You might have to press this issue harder. Best of luck.

You're right, you do say the same thing ALL the time

Personally, I prefer that the man I love marries me because he wants me to be his wife, not to show his boss, family and community that he is mature and respectable.

March 13, 2010

Threads like this come up often, and yours is not the worst I've read. But still, I'll say what I've said before.

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If he wanted to live with a woman, have a sex life, and maintain the respect of his family and community, he had to marry. Even a ,man's employer might come to see him as immature and unreliable if he didn't settle down with a wife at some point.

None of these things are true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that requires marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the traditional incentives to are pretty much gone. Today, men often associate marriage not with adulthood, but with the end of youth and the end of their freedom. Plus, they dread financial ruin in the case of divorce.

Frankly, I think most men who marry nowadays do so because they feel they have to---i.e. if they don' they will lose the woman they love. You might have to press this issue harder. Best of luck.

Do you have any ADVICE to offer me, or are you merely stating your opinion on the concept of men's reason for marrying in general? Because I don't understand how your post relates to me at all.

March 13, 2010

Star, he will ask and it will all be fine BUT I have to say that you getting anxious about it is not going to help matters (just ask LB if you dont believe me lol)

I think you are so brave coming here with this problem I must say! Kudos to you!

The thing is that you are soooo lucky that you have met a man who you love and who loves you, a man you can honestly say that you WOULD marry! I have read your posts for years and you sure went through so sh*t to get here so here is my advice ... Dont worry about a diamond ring and a piece of paper BECAUSE what you have right now is better than most marriages anyway! Him proposing and you being able to call him you fiance is not so important as the fact that you have met your guy, the person you WANT to marry! How cool is that? And how cool is it that you know he wants to marry you too?

I know it is easier said than done but think about it, he is comitting to you in so many ways, how does him saying "will you marry me" make things any different? If you do have the rest of your lives together then what is the hurry my dear!

Enjoy the fact you have a great guy, it was not so long ago you was desperate for what you have right now so there is no need for you to be raising the bar on this one!

x

March 14, 2010

Star, am coming in a little late here, but I would think that if he has intentions of proposing, waiting until after his brothers wedding would make sense.

So everyone can get their share of the spotlight IYKWIM?

March 14, 2010

SG, I love ya but I so hope LB rubs this in your face just a little :laugh:

Oh hell yeah!!! I'm SOOOO here!!!!!! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!!!

This is extemely ironic. I LOVE IT. Now you know what my fiance put me through for a freaking year. It was hell. Not saying this to be mean but I hope you have a more open mind about the whole thing and can understand it better.

Luckily my fiance loved me enough that he didn't bolt when I started flipping out..just goes to show how much he loves me.

As you told me last year, you two haven't been together all THAT long in the scheme of things. I waited a LOT longer. You haven't reached the point of no return, not even close.

That being said you need to chill the heck out. IME if he REALLY loves you and wants to marry you he won't freak out by you bugging him about marriage (and yes you are!) It's also ironic that you told me not to let my friends getting engaged/married freak me out. Do you see how hard it is now? It's such a horrible feeling to be happy for someone and insanely jealous at the same time.

It sounds like he is giving you fairly good signs. If he was nowhere near ready for marriage he would get all weird and ackward and change the subject. My fiance never did that the last 6 months before he proposed. But really SG, you gotta chill out. I wish I had, then I would have been more surprised with my proposal. I don't have any regrets whatsoever as the proposal was still a surprise but I wish I wouldn't have bugged him about it so much.

He's probably wanting it to be a suprise (as did my fiance) and doesn't want to give you any hints whatsoever. Waiting to get engaged longer helped our relationship actually, we learned more about each other and how to deal with our less then desirable qualities. I don't think you guys have fallen on difficult times quite yet but you will eventually. It's easier IMO to have problems prior to marriage..it tests your committment because you aren't staying because you are married. You are staying because you love each other. It makes your relationship stronger. Fiance and I have ups and downs but at the end of the day we love each other and are committed. We have TONS of good times also that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Anyway, my point is that you don't know everything there is to know about your BF, I guarantee. That takes time. The more time the better IMO.

Moral of the story: CHILL. It will happen if you are meant to be together.

March 14, 2010

Star, he will ask and it will all be fine BUT I have to say that you getting anxious about it is not going to help matters (just ask LB if you dont believe me lol)

I just went back and read the whole thread. I think it's halarious that my name came up twice in this thread!!!

But yeah anxiety makes the situation soooooooooooo much worse. It just makes you more anxious!!! I wish I would have known all this last year but I was an idiot. It's hard to see inside the situation when you are living it isn't it SG?

Like I said though, if he REALLY loves you and wants to marry you then he would freak out and change the subject real quick (as did fiance during the first year of dating). Give it time and enjoy what you have now. Engagement brings more stress that you don't have right now, BELIEVE me. Planning a wedding and compromising on things is not always fun. Enjoy just going on dates and being together.

March 15, 2010

Oh hell yeah!!! I'm SOOOO here!!!!!! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!!!

This is extemely ironic. I LOVE IT.

I'm surprised it took you this long to find this thread !! ... I was actually poking fun at myself (and you too, heehee) but starting it. I titled the thread, "I'm feeling like Lauriebell a year ago... :D" (hence why your name came up to begin with, and allina and Lishy laughing at me) but someone thought that was rude, and the mods had the thread title changed.

But anyway...

Now you know what my fiance put me through for a freaking year. It was hell. Not saying this to be mean but I hope you have a more open mind about the whole thing and can understand it better.

The thing is, my BF isn't "putting me through anything" the way yours was, nor am I freaking out and panicking over the entire thing. I imagine this will be the only thread I ever start about the subject. That's the big difference. But yes, I know how it feels - to a degree. I think the most recent couple-friends to get engaged, as well as BF's brother's fiance's shower this weekend, just got me all agitated.

If anything, I was in a mood like this: "Jeezus, another wedding gift for another wedding. Where are MY presents?!" I mean that facetiously, but there was a smidgen of honesty there (the "when's it MY turn?!" part).

That being said you need to chill the heck out. IME if he REALLY loves you and wants to marry you he won't freak out by you bugging him about marriage (and yes you are!) It's also ironic that you told me not to let my friends getting engaged/married freak me out. Do you see how hard it is now? It's such a horrible feeling to be happy for someone and insanely jealous at the same time.

I know I need to chill out, and luckily, I already have. I'm actually totally okay with the while situation - really. There are no "horrible" feelings - I was, literally, laughing at myself when I started the thread. The past week or so have been very telling with BF - he's either reading this thread, or reading my mind. I am 1000000% positive that he's the one, and that I'm HIS one, and that he will propose... it's just a matter of time.

It's hard to see inside the situation when you are living it isn't it SG?

Of course, but honestly, I can assure you I am lightyears away from the upset/angst/stress/whatever-you-want-to-call-it that you experienced prior to your proposal. I wrote this thread because I wanted to preemptively avoid those feelings. Then again, I don't think I'll get there because I just know he won't put me through that (in part, because I won't be nagging/bringing it up).

Anyway...

March 15, 2010

SG- when is your birthday again?

March 15, 2010

SG- when is your birthday again?

Right around his brother's wedding. Like, days apart. We're also going on a fairly luxurious vacation the week before the wedding.

March 16, 2010

The thing is, my BF isn't "putting me through anything" the way yours was, nor am I freaking out and panicking over the entire thing. I imagine this will be the only thread I ever start about the subject. That's the big difference. But yes, I know how it feels - to a degree. I think the most recent couple-friends to get engaged, as well as BF's brother's fiance's shower this weekend, just got me all agitated.

Well, he is being wishy washy about marriage and a timeline..that's "putting you through it" if you ask me. I know you want to make him out to be a good guy but even good guys have a tendency to pull this kind of aloofness when it comes to proposal.

I honestly just don't think your at your whits end yet..give it another year though you will be there. Seriously though, if you can keep it in check until he proposes then more power to ya. But the longer he waits the harder it gets...

I doubt this will be the only thread on the subject, not saying that to be mean, but the longer it goes the more you'll get ancy. But it's OK to feel upset/anxious/agitated. You shouldn't feel like you are a bad person, I certainly don't. Those are all human emotions and perfectly normal when you find the love of you life. So cut yourself some slack. It's okay to get upset..it just means you care.

March 16, 2010

I doubt this will be the only thread on the subject, not saying that to be mean, but the longer it goes the more you'll get ancy. But it's OK to feel upset/anxious/agitated. You shouldn't feel like you are a bad person, I certainly don't. Those are all human emotions and perfectly normal when you find the love of you life. So cut yourself some slack. It's okay to get upset..it just means you care.

LB, now if SG wants to post another thread she's going to be going nuts resisting just to prove you wrong. Don't you know her need to show us that she's very cool and collected :laugh:

I'm messing with you SG, I think it will happen around June/July. Either right before your lease runs out or right after he talks you in to moving in with him. I can actually picture you getting surprised with a welcome home card, romantic dinner and that Tiffany Novo on moving day.

March 16, 2010

I forgot about the Tiffany Novo ring.

I'm with Allina. there are quite a few significant dates coming up- lots of opportunities. I bet he has it all planned out.

Waiting till after the brothers wedding would make sense to me.

LB, don't be toooo smug. There is no fever pitch here.

March 16, 2010

Well, he is being wishy washy about marriage and a timeline..that's "putting you through it" if you ask me.

What are you talking about? There's been no "wishy washyness" about this subject whatsoever. He has been consistent from day one. I think you're projecting what you went through onto me. Our situations are honestly like apples and oranges.

I honestly just don't think your at your whits end yet..give it another year though you will be there.

Of course I'm not at my whits end yet. Like I said, I'm lightyears away from where you were.

I also don't think I'll have to wait another year. Really.

The one thing I KNOW I won't do is nag him and pester him about it to the point of ruining the surprise and postponing the inevitable, as what happened with you.

March 16, 2010

LB, don't be toooo smug. There is no fever pitch here.

Can ya blame me? Especially after her next comments...screw that.

March 16, 2010

Of course I'm not at my whits end yet. Like I said, I'm lightyears away from where you were.

I also don't think I'll have to wait another year. Really.

You don't know that. What was the point of this thread then if you are SOOO sure he will propose soon?

The one thing I KNOW I won't do is nag him and pester him about it to the point of ruining the surprise and postponing the inevitable, as what happened with you.

Again, you don't know that you won't do that. The longer is goes, the more anxiety comes into play. I know you are trying to put me down but I honestly don't even care. I try to help you and you insult me. I kind of hope he makes you sweat so that you can see what I went through and not think I'm so pathetic.

I'm pretty sure you'll get defensive at these comments, but it will prove my point..

Oh and why exactly did you title your thread "I feel like LB did last year.."? Because now you are saying you are lightyears away from feeling like I did...

Edited March 16, 2010 by Lauriebell82

March 16, 2010

Can ya blame me? Especially after her next comments...screw that.

What a "mature" response, LB!

Is that how you purport to counsel people? WOW. Just... wow.

You're hysterical, really. Your reaction to this thread is actually so predictable!

You don't know that. What was the point of this thread then if you are SOOO sure he will propose soon?

I know that I won't have to wait another YEAR. I know I won't have to wait 2.5+ years, like you did. As I said (thought you had read the entire thread???), it was simply yet another friend getting engaged that made me get aggitated. Jealous would be a much better word, actually.

But in reality, the way you and I differ, is that I am perfectly calm, and at peace. Again, as I said, part of that peace is because the past week has been VERY telling with my BF. Like I said above, he's literally either reading this thread, or reading my mind. I've been provided certain assurances that leave me with absolutely no doubt about what our future holds.

In other words, unlike your BF/fiance, I am not being told "if we get married" or being criticized and told I wouldn't make a good wife. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Again, you don't know that you won't do that. The longer is goes, the more anxiety comes into play. I know you are trying to put me down but I honestly don't even care. I try to help you and you insult me. I kind of hope he makes you sweat so that you can see what I went through and not think I'm so pathetic.

Nope, I DO know that. I know that I won't nag or pester him. Period. I know myself better than you do, LB. Sorry, but that's the truth. I've never been one to nag or pester or stomp my feet. And I'm not putting you down, I'm just stating the obvious truth. You nagged and pesterd (you admitted it yourself!), to the point of him having to TELL you months in advance just when and where he was going to propose. Then, months later, you act like it was a big surprise here on LS.

I won't do that to him. I won't nag and pester. I won't ruin the surprise for him. It just won't happen.

I'm also very disappointed in you that you would be so cruel and silly to actually wish torment on me. Again - is that how you counsel people???

I'm pretty sure you'll get defensive at these comments, but it will prove my point..

I'm not defensive at all. I'm very confident and secure in my relationship. I'm sorry you weren't, when you were in my shoes. But it's not fair for you to assume that every girl who gets excited about finally realizing she's ready for marriage is going to experience what you did. Apples and oranges.

Oh and why exactly did you title your thread "I feel like LB did last year.."? Because now you are saying you are lightyears away from feeling like I did...

I said that, because I felt like I was behaving like a petulant child in thinking to myself, "When's it going to be my turn?! Wah, wah, wah!!!"

I felt silly. I felt how you appeared to me. That's why I titled it that way. And that's why the thread title was changed.

Edited March 16, 2010 by Star Gazer

March 16, 2010

LB, now if SG wants to post another thread she's going to be going nuts resisting just to prove you wrong. Don't you know her need to show us that she's very cool and collected :laugh:

I'm messing with you SG, I think it will happen around June/July. Either right before your lease runs out or right after he talks you in to moving in with him. I can actually picture you getting surprised with a welcome home card, romantic dinner and that Tiffany Novo on moving day.

Nah, I just won't post about it because it just won't be a problem! The last thing I want to do is nag/pester him into proposing... man, that would suck. I want him to do it on his schedule, and I know his schedule is somewhat in line with mine. So it'll be okay.

I only want something that looks like the TN. I bookmarked the company you and your fiance went to.

Random comment: I'm really distracted by the herd (wait, flock?) of wild turkeys outside my office window... they just crossed a very busy street to get here. WTF?!

March 16, 2010

You think those weren't put downs SG? Wow. I am going to chose not to comment anymore because I am not a mean and cruel person.

I hope you do get a ring at some point because it is wonderful to have someone love you that much.

March 16, 2010

Oh, and SG you are right that I don't know you..and you don't know me. If you did you wouldn't look down on me so much and think I'm pathetic. I'm actually a really great person. Too bad you can't see that.

March 16, 2010

Can I say I knew this thread would turn into a catfight from the moment I saw it? :/

C'mon. All the 'subtle' hints of 'my boyfriend is better than yours', 'my relationship is better than yours'... what's the point in it? This is a relationship help forum - we're here to help other people, not snipe at them as discreetly as we can.

Edited March 16, 2010 by Elswyth

March 16, 2010

I forgot about the Tiffany Novo ring.

What does it say that I read this as 'Tiffany Nuvar ring' and began to feel completely incensed that such a frivolous item would be created? I blame it on hearing about a diamond encrusted notebook on this mornings news.....

March 16, 2010

Can I say I knew this thread would turn into a catfight from the moment I saw it? :/

C'mon. All the 'subtle' hints of 'my boyfriend is better than yours', 'my relationship is better than yours'... what's the point in it? This is a relationship help forum - we're here to help other people, not snipe at them as discreetly as we can.

I think the motivation for this thread was to take a stab at me unfortunately..not nice

March 16, 2010

I don't know what the motivation for SG's opening post is, honestly - it could be genuine. But the later posts are really evident snipes, and it's quite saddening. I do hope the mods will lock this, as threads have been locked for lesser reason and in this case the OP herself is straying from the topic.

March 16, 2010

I think the motivation for this thread was to take a stab at me unfortunately..not nice

Uh, LB... Really? Truly, with all due respect, you need to get over yourself if you honestly think I would waste my time typing a big 'ole long OP about MY feelings just to poke at you.

Nope, sorry. My OP was about ME, and MY feelings, and MY relationship. You took swipes at me, and I merely responded. I understand you wanting to poke a little FUN at me yourself, THAT was what the whole point of it was. I was poking fun at BOTH of us. But you took it one step too far by actually relishing in it. It's like you want to see me go through what you did. Why?

Again, I'm sorry things didn't go for you the way you wanted them to when you wanted them to. But there's no need to impose your experiences on me. We're two completely different people.

I don't know what the motivation for SG's opening post is, honestly - it could be genuine.

It was. Do people actually start threads like this just to poke at a stranger on the internet? You can't be serious. I used LB as a point of reference, because I was feeling ... SILLY. I don't know how else to describe it.

But the later posts are really evident snipes, and it's quite saddening. I do hope the mods will lock this, as threads have been locked for lesser reason and in this case the OP herself is straying from the topic.

How am I off-topic when I'm discussing MY relationship, MY security within it, MY confidence in a proposal, etc.? In other words, the entire subject of the OP, ME and MY relationship??

If anyone else wants to comment on how to avoid getting agitated and jealous the next time another friend gets engaged (which I'm sure will happen ), feel free to contribute. But I'm not going to bother responding to someone who actually WISHES and HOPES that I go through the same horrible things they did. That's just a horrible thing to do.

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The proposal situation is very frustrating...

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