- NC so difficult!

[soleharmony1123]

My ex who I've been dating over 3 years told me he needed a break from our relationship over a month ago and I respected and accepted his decision, although I knew there was possibly more to it than that. Of course, I got the spiel/line about how he still loves me but he needed space, blah, blah, yada, yada....still wants to be friends because I'm his best friend and always will be (his words, not mine). I told him we couldn't be friends. There was much back and forth on that.

 

After that convo, I immediately began to try to move forward and continue working on me. I didn't raise issues with him nor did I try to get to the root of the problem. Why? Because about a week prior to that, we were having a "talk" and he told me there were no problems with our relationship, except that I tried to find things wrong (not exactly true).

 

Back to the next next day after the break-up, my phone is ringing and it's him. First thing that morning...and so it's been ever since the breakup. Even after I wrote him a very short letter yet again simply stating that I respected his decision to break up and I understood his need for space and asked that he also respect my need for space as well.

 

To date, he has called consistently...almost daily. At first, it was daily. Then it became, every other day and so it's been. Some days it's still every day. Today he has called me about 4 times since this morning and I have not answered his calls nor returned them. I failed miserably at no contact for the first month. It was not because I called him, but because he would call me leaving messages that he needed or wanted to talk to me about this, that or the other, and I would break down and return his calls. Now, we're going into the 2nd month of the break and I am determined to go NC 100% - even though he continues to call because he "wants to talk to me." I love him with all my heart, but his phone calls are tearing me up inside. It doesn't seem that he's interested in trying to work things out. Instead, it seems he wants to keep stringing me along. Some way to treat someone who he said has always been his first love and who is supposed to be his soulmate. He's 42 and I'm 44. We've known each other since we were teenagers.

 

Part of me feels like he regrets his rash decision, but at the same time he's waiting for me to say something. Last week, I asked him to please respect my request for space and I got this spiel about how he loves me and needs me and please don't shut him out like that. But I have to think about ME because he's not considering my feelings in this at all.

 

LoveShacker's please share your thoughts with me on this.

 

 

-Soleharmony

Edited March 10, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[aimchase]

So he consistently tells you he still loves you but isn't interested in actually looking to reconcile? He's trying to control you while he keeps his options open.

 

You need to prove that you are independent and won't be lead by his actions. NC is your only way forward. Every time you return his calls, he will think 'still got her under my thumb'. You must remove that tag, otherwise it encourages him to continue this selfish action of calling you numerous times.

 

NC will back him into a corner and will force him to address his behaviour and decisions for the future. Want him back? NC is the way forward. Don't want him back? NC is still the way forward. Want to be messed around in this medium of silly calls whilst making no progress? Take the calls and still be in the same position in weeks/months to come.

 

He'll start calling for all sorts of reasons - some will sound like life and death. He'll claim he's in desperate need of something, he'll complain he's sick and needs you, he'll try every trick in the book. But unless he says that he wants to repair the relationship, you must not answer these calls.

 

And if you both do want to repair the relationship, you need to be strong and demonstrate that things will need to be committed and on sensible grounds. Any manipulation, indecision, or messing around, and it's curtains.

 

You can be in control of this quite easily. Go for it and good luck.

 

Aim

[soleharmony1123]

So he consistently tells you he still loves you but isn't interested in actually looking to reconcile? He's trying to control you while he keeps his options open.

 

You need to prove that you are independent and won't be lead by his actions. NC is your only way forward. Every time you return his calls, he will think 'still got her under my thumb'. You must remove that tag, otherwise it encourages him to continue this selfish action of calling you numerous times.

 

NC will back him into a corner and will force him to address his behaviour and decisions for the future. Want him back? NC is the way forward. Don't want him back? NC is still the way forward. Want to be messed around in this medium of silly calls whilst making no progress? Take the calls and still be in the same position in weeks/months to come.

 

He'll start calling for all sorts of reasons - some will sound like life and death. He'll claim he's in desperate need of something, he'll complain he's sick and needs you, he'll try every trick in the book. But unless he says that he wants to repair the relationship, you must not answer these calls.

 

And if you both do want to repair the relationship, you need to be strong and demonstrate that things will need to be committed and on sensible grounds. Any manipulation, indecision, or messing around, and it's curtains.

 

You can be in control of this quite easily. Go for it and good luck.

 

Aim[/Quote]

 

Thanks, Aim,

 

I feel more convicted about NC now - especially when you said "he's trying to control you while he keeps his options open." I'm relieved to know NC works out in either endeavor - whether I decide I want him back or even if I do not.

 

I could have you shaking your head at his silly attempts of drawing out a phone call from me thus far. For example, if you only recently moved about 3 months ago, wouldn't you still remember your previous address? ('Enough said, right?)

 

I watered down my efforts at NC this past month because I kept "weakening" and returning his calls thinking what if I don't and something was really wrong or he really wanted to talk this time, etc.

 

NC is for me! I'm 3 days successful 27+ more to go!!

 

Thanks!

 

-Soleharmony

[name witheld]

I agree with aimchase.

 

Was in a similar situation myself (read my posts if you wish), kinda strung along for a bit until I just said NO!!!

 

Anyways she has gotten in touch a few times but just with **** so i have kept strong. I still love her very much, but now it is logic ruling emotion and not ehe other way round.

 

At least oyu seem to have the right mindset and will be able to move on and develop yourself and come through it bettter than you were before.

 

So good luck to ya and I can tell by your txt that you are a smokin' hot laydee and will be happy again soon!

[soleharmony1123]

I agree with aimchase.

 

Was in a similar situation myself (read my posts if you wish), kinda strung along for a bit until I just said NO!!!

 

Anyways she has gotten in touch a few times but just with **** so i have kept strong. I still love her very much, but now it is logic ruling emotion and not ehe other way round.

 

At least oyu seem to have the right mindset and will be able to move on and develop yourself and come through it bettter than you were before.

 

So good luck to ya and I can tell by your txt that you are a smokin' hot laydee and will be happy again soon!

 

 

NameWithheld, thanks for your encouraging words! You and I both have to think with our minds and command our hearts to slow down and wait for the brain's (voice of logic) to signal that it's safe to proceed. lol!!!

[LovelyDaze]

So he consistently tells you he still loves you but isn't interested in actually looking to reconcile? He's trying to control you while he keeps his options open.

 

You need to prove that you are independent and won't be lead by his actions. NC is your only way forward. Every time you return his calls, he will think 'still got her under my thumb'. You must remove that tag, otherwise it encourages him to continue this selfish action of calling you numerous times.

 

NC will back him into a corner and will force him to address his behaviour and decisions for the future. Want him back? NC is the way forward. Don't want him back? NC is still the way forward. Want to be messed around in this medium of silly calls whilst making no progress? Take the calls and still be in the same position in weeks/months to come.

 

He'll start calling for all sorts of reasons - some will sound like life and death. He'll claim he's in desperate need of something, he'll complain he's sick and needs you, he'll try every trick in the book. But unless he says that he wants to repair the relationship, you must not answer these calls.

 

And if you both do want to repair the relationship, you need to be strong and demonstrate that things will need to be committed and on sensible grounds. Any manipulation, indecision, or messing around, and it's curtains.

 

You can be in control of this quite easily. Go for it and good luck.

 

Aim

 

I couldn't have said this better myself!!!

 

NC is invaluable because it is a win-win for the dumpee/brokenhearted.

 

If the dumper never comes back...good. They show you that they are not for you.

If the dumper comes crawling back...good. Then, you can see if they are ready to work on the fractured relationship. Anything less, as aimchase stated, doesn't matter and must be dismissed as BS.

[soleharmony1123]

So, he calls this morning (NC in full effect) and leaves a voicemail message that he guesses I got his other messages but he's not sure (lol!!) since I haven't returned his call. So, please return his call when I get his message because he "wants to talk to me" since he hasn't talked to me in 2 days.

 

It's so much easier to ignore his calls than it was in the beginning, and for the most part, the same old tired message - "I want to talk to you." But really has nothing to say...nothing substantial.

[sadheart2010]

so what are you trying to achieve with the NC?

 

That he will give up?I mean if he loves you,he does.No NC will make him change this quick.Its just sounds like he is regretting everything already now

Edited March 12, 2010 by sadheart2010

[soleharmony1123]

To put it bluntly, I want to "weed out" all the BS. That is what I'm seeking to achieve with NC. Either the man truly loves me as he says he does or he does not. My goal is to see some actions consistent with his statements. I don't believe in romantic love as it's depicted in today's society. I believe in love based on principle. When you love someone, you love them. There's no falling in and out of love --(dat der's infatuation!)

 

I've known this man practically all my life - he knows me and I know him. We were best friends long before this relationship thing. But the lack of manhood he's displayed over the past few months has forced me to put NC into effect because I want to move on if he's not going to live up to what our goals were, i.e., marriage. All the phone calls despite my requests for mutual space shows lack of regard for my feelings and conveys that he's trying to keep me 'stuck'.

 

While I agree with you that he may be regretting his decision to breakup, until the precise moment that actual statement flows from his mouth ("I made a mistake, Sole, there was no reason for me to pull a powerplay by breaking up with you since we've always had a relationship where we talk things out and have never had an argument"), then I have no reason to see his behavior as anything more than a control tactic, as Aim pointed out.

 

 

-Soleharmony

Edited March 12, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[sean1970]

To put it bluntly, I want to "weed out" all the BS. That is what I'm seeking to achieve with NC. Either the man truly loves me as he says he does or he does not. My goal is to see some actions consistent with his statements. I don't believe in romantic love as it's depicted in today's society. I believe in love based on principle. When you love someone, you love them. There's no falling in and out of love --(dat der's infatuation!)

 

I've known this man practically all my life - he knows me and I know him. We were best friends long before this relationship thing. But the lack of manhood he's displayed over the past few months has forced me to put NC into effect because I want to move on if he's not going to live up to what our goals were, i.e., marriage. All the phone calls despite my requests for mutual space shows lack of regard for my feelings and conveys that he's trying to keep me 'stuck'.

 

While I agree with you that he may be regretting his decision to breakup, until the precise moment that actual statement flows from his mouth ("I made a mistake, Sole, there was no reason for me to pull a powerplay by breaking up with you since we've always had a relationship where we talk things out and have never had an argument"), then I have no reason to see his behavior as anything more than a control tactic, as Aim pointed out.

 

 

-Soleharmony

 

From your keyboard to everyones LCD. Probably the most adult, rational, and "I get it" (aware) post from a recently hurt ex I have read since my LS induction. A far cry from the kiddie pool of tears I rained here for many weeks. However, a good game plan is not worth the keystrokes they were typed with if execution fails.

 

Fantastic start... Keep your chin up Soleharmony... We are here when you need us....

Edited March 13, 2010 by sean1970

[soleharmony1123]

From your keyboard to everyones LCD. Probably the most adult, rational, and "I get it" (aware) post from a recently hurt ex I have read since my LS induction. A far cry from the kiddie pool of tears I rained here for many weeks. However, a good game plan is not worth the keystrokes they were typed with if execution fails.

 

Fantastic start... Keep your chin up Soleharmony... We are here when you need us....

 

 

Thanks, Sean1970. It's a long journey and I've failed at NC the first time. I never called nor emailed him but he's been consistent in contacting me. I re-implemented NC on March 9th. So far so good. It's only March 12th, but I'm in a much better position than I was a month ago. When I hear his ringtone on my phone, I don't even flinch anymore. I know it's him calling but now it's almost second-nature to ignore his calls. Does it feel good? Absolutely not - but it is empowering. Why? Because when he abruptly decided he needed "a break" from our relationship, space and all the other terms he used that probably meant he's found someone else, I felt like the ground had opened up to swallow me.

 

I appreciate being a part of LS. You're all awesome! Reading various posts of others with similar struggles has really helped to strengthen my resolve to stick with NC. While I will not venture to say my execution of NC will not fail...I'm one determined lady, so when I set my mind (and heart) to do something, it gets done. Make no mistake about it.

 

-Soleharmony

Edited March 13, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[soleharmony1123]

So now it seems my ex is on a new trend....he's now calling several times and not leaving a message. I hope I don't sound like I'm beginning to over-analyze things - but I read somewhere (most likely here) that when an ex calls you and doesn't leave a message, it's because they're bored.

 

Guess it doesn't really matter since his messages have all been the same these past few weeks...

[LovelyDaze]

So now it seems my ex is on a new trend....he's now calling several times and not leaving a message. I hope I don't sound like I'm beginning to over-analyze things - but I read somewhere (most likely here) that when an ex calls you and doesn't leave a message, it's because they're bored.

 

Guess it doesn't really matter since his messages have all been the same these past few weeks...

 

Those phone calls scream "head games"...don't play.

 

You're doin' great, soleharmony! Stay strong & don't quit.

[soleharmony1123]

Those phone calls scream "head games"...don't play.

 

You're doin' great, soleharmony! Stay strong & don't quit.

 

 

Thanks, LovelyDaze.

 

Head games make me very angryy...especially with the message he left me this afternoon ("Sole, I think it's f****d up that you're not returning my calls...really f****d up...Ok, bye").

 

It was hard not to react by calling him & telling him off. He broke up with me!!

 

I won't lower my dignity by reacting to his message - well, I reacted, but not by calling him and that felt good. I guess I'm "inside his head" somehow; otherwise, he wouldn't be calling me almost daily EVER SINCE he broke up with me.

 

Now, I have a question: Since my first attempt to NC was unsuccessful largely because once he received my short letter telling him I agreed with his reason for the breakup and that we both need space, he called telling me he loved me but he's confused, but he needs space, but he needs to be able to talk to "his Sole" because he can't really talk to anyone else. (Sole, "the crutch" is not the distinction I want) Needless, to say, I weakened and he won.

 

This time, it's different because I'm determined I will not be a doormat.

Edited March 14, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[LovelyDaze]

Thanks, LovelyDaze.

 

Head games make me very angryy...especially with the message he left me this afternoon ("Sole, I think it's f****d up that you're not returning my calls...really f****d up...Ok, bye").

 

It was hard not to react by calling him & telling him off. He broke up with me!!

 

I won't lower my dignity by reacting to his message - well, I reacted, but not by calling him and that felt good. I guess I'm "inside his head" somehow; otherwise, he wouldn't be calling me almost daily EVER SINCE he broke up with me.

 

Now, I have a question: Since my first attempt to NC was unsuccessful largely because once he received my short letter telling him I agreed with his reason for the breakup and that we both need space, he called telling me he loved me but he's confused, but he needs space, but he needs to be able to talk to "his Sole" because he can't really talk to anyone else. (Sole, "the crutch" is not the distinction I want) Needless, to say, I weakened and he won.

 

This time, it's different because I'm determined I will not be a doormat.

 

Definitely take this time to give each other plenty of distance to assess what is going on. This forces both of you to think for yourselves about the other and if it is worth all the dramatics to even be involved in each other's lives any longer.

 

On your part, I think it will be eye-opening to discover that you have grown weary of dealing with the same person with the same tired games and that you clearly deserve better. That's when you put that revelation to action by trying something "new" by not contacting him anymore.

 

Don't worry about his feelings either. Only worry about what you truly need in your life and that is truth, integrity and peace from all the drama.